Harem Hill Week 8: The show goes on

I guess I’ll do a Harem Hill a day until I get caught up.

I don’t know what’s going on anymore in Estetica. The last thing I remember is a beach episode. All of a sudden, our characters are in some sort of ranking tournament. Anime loves its ranks; nothing like stratifying the student body into tiers to make people feel like shit because they’re not awesome Mary Sue superheroes like our main guy. We need appropriate clothing to fight though!… because somehow what they’ve been fighting in isn’t good enough. So everyone undergoes a transformation sequence — even the main character — and everyone gets to wear generic RPG outfits.

Okay, make that generic eroge RPG (250+100). Anyway, after eight episodes, the show still needs to fellate the main character about how he’s a step above the rest of the students. Man, he’s just so powerful; a swing of his big, black blade alone opens up a gaping hole in dear Mother Earth. Class A material… no, Class S (100)!

It has always been mystifying to me that power levels in Dragon Ball Z could be so popular with shounen fans, but the idea has never really spread to other crappy anime. I guess some sort of numeric rating really takes the mystery out of heart-pumping fights, but what heart-pumping fights? Think of all the embarrassment that you could save… tsuntsun vice president girl would never try to challenge Ousawa if she knew his power level.

All in all, nothing interesting happens in this episode. It feels like a set-up to something larger, but it’s Estetica, so that larger something is probably just tentacle rape.

Everything else: At the start of the episode, some powerful dude “demonstrates” his power but all I see is a gush of wind. I guess he farted really strongly (250). Gratuitous cleavage that the heroine isn’t embarrassed about until we cut to her. In the middle of a fighting tournament, the three heroines decide to get naked and take a bath (150×3). So episode doubles as a hot springs episode too (100)! Oh wait, it’s just a silly fantasy. Still, that means Myuu imagined her friends naked just because Ousawa mentioned a bath (250).

KKK! — 21345
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 21060
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 14450

Campione! opens with everyone playing beach volleyball (50). I could’ve sworn we’ve already done a beach episode, but hey, with five shitty harems to keep track of, I must’ve gotten Campione! mixed up with some other show. And that’s one of the real problems with harem shows like the five we’ve got, isn’t it? Not only do they all sort of blend together into one mishmash of generic tripe, but the middle episodes are often so boring, they’re propped up by “obligatory trip to the beach” or “obligatory hot spring scene.”

Lo and behold, we have a hot spring scene! Even one of the heroine has to remark, “I didn’t know Italy had such great hot springs!” That’s the beauty of anime! Just make shit up! Need an isolated, tropical island to stage a mystery? No worries, my rich Japanese friend just happens to own such an island! What’s that on the distance? A fleet of Chinese fishing boats? Oh dear.

The last thing I remember about Campione! is the characters beating some werewolf/vampire wannabe, so I guess this episode will be full of fillerish nonsense. Case in point, Erica handcuffing Godou and dragging him on a scenic (inflatable) boat ride (100). And course, Godou thinks its his fault that he’s in the situation he’s in. Don’t want to be kidnapped? Maybe you shouldn’t have been such a manslut! You totally asked for it with that generic black hair, polo shirt and slacks!

But we can’t have a proper hot spring scene without the guy “accidentally” stumbling upon the bathing heroines and them scolding him about it. This is anime tradition! Great prophet Tenchi climbed the mountain and when he came back down, he had with him two stone tablets filled with harem laws. “Thou shalt peep and thou shalt be beaten over the head with a mallet.”

At this point, I got semi-tired of the episode and skipped ahead. Athena makes her pettanko return. Then he gets longer hair and slashes away at a dragon? Godou and some silver-haired heroine fly around for a bit — par for the course — then she begs for him to order her around…? Y’see, when Erica kisses him, he gets all powerful and shit. Silver-haired heroine doesn’t want to be outdone so she’s gotta kiss the main character too. Makes sense (250). Only she doesn’t realize that it has to be done through kissing. When she learns the truth, both of them blush like schoolchildren. K-kissing? How embarrassing! Whatever. Your moment of zen:

Just the tips. We end on a cliffhanger: Godou gets hit with an arrow. I totally believe that the main character of a harem anime is in real, serious danger.

Everything else: Cleavage shot right off the bat (100). Hell, motorboating right off the bat (250), and of course, the main character doesn’t quite know how to react to the situation (100). More naked girls. Naked girls everywhere (150). Naked girls who have decided to sexually harass each other (350). Anime is full of equal opportunity rapist positions. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to grope innocent shrine maidens.

Who’s the “old” lady? Isn’t that the same old lady from the first episode who claimed to have slept with Godou’s grandfather! Why, it is (100)! Then of course, a maid comes by with cups of fresh milk (100). Hmm. Who then proceeds to spill the white liquid all over herself (100). Hmmm.

KKK! — 22995
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 21060
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 14450

Oh ho ho, Chocolate totally has you believing that its vanilla characters might actually engage in sex, but they’re just playing shogi. Chocolate, you card! That switcheroo totally had me fooled (100)! Your delicious wit knows no end.

When the characters are chatting it up in the clubroom, I just can’t stand it. I see a toy ghost or something. Next thing I know, Oojima is telling his childhood friend that he doesn’t have that kind of love for her. Whoa, this escalated quickly. The next time we see Oojima, he says, “Woo, I got to bathe in peace for once!” Man, he’s kind of a dick! Then his teacher confesses to him (350). What the fuck?

Did I miss something?

So the teacher calls up her sister so they can play a game of shogi with the main character as the prize (350). The dumbest thing about Chocolate is how it swings from being a carefree, fluff-filled harem to a dramatic spat between two sisters. Tears are shed, slaps are dealt, and Oojima sits there like a dumb log:

That’s what we’re all asking, buddy. Then comes the “tear-jerking” story about how the two sisters came to be: their father’s first wife was barren, so he was pressured to leave her. Oh dear, he couldn’t bear the thought of abandoning his first wife, so he compromised by merely having a baby with the second woman. Then he took the baby and told his first wife to raise it like her own. What a man (350)!

KKK! — 24145
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 21060
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 14450

Last time we left off, the hero in Dekinai couldn’t get his penis up because he’s suffering from PTSD. So onto episode 8!… wait, what’s this? Holy shit, a recap episode for a harem like Dekinai after just seven episodes. Here, lemme recap things for ya: guy charges up by molesting girls, girls beat shit up, childhood friend gets kidnapped, guy goes to save her and now his penis is soft. Bam. Done. Still, a recap after seven episodes, man. Seven. Y’know what, give Dekinai 10k points just for this nonsense. You gotta be one hell of a shitty harem to pull a stunt like this. Onto the actual eighth episode….

Cule was about to sex our PTSD victim up but he hesitates. Harem leads gotta harem. Oh well, she force kisses him anyway. I guess it’d be double standards if we didn’t count this as rapey (350). The characters in this dimension communicate with each other through some sort of prawn-like earpiece (100). I don’t know why I’m mentioning this now. It’s just as non-sequitur as the prawn-like earpiece.

I skip ahead in the show and I suddenly see Cule licking the main character’s nipple (350). I’ve made a terrible mistake. She even moans while doing it too (250). It must feel good to lick a guy who looks like centaur while fighting. She then unhooks her bra and we get treated to this reaction face:

That’s the face every woman wants to see when they unhook their bras.

Man, it’s getting hot in here! But nothing happens. It doesn’t get hard and Ryousuke is forced to apologize: “It’s not you. The way I am now, I can’t do it with anyone.” Man, PTSD is a helluva drug. The next shot I’m about to show you… I don’t even have to say anything. Just take it all in:

Yep.

The villain’s sluglike things do battle with the flying prawn army (100). Childhood friend falls off of a really tall building and her life flashes before her. By life, I mean shitty moments with Ryousuke; she has not had much of a life (150). Nevertheless, she screams out her love for him and undergoes… a transformation? Next thing I know, Lisara barges into a room full of neon-colored slugs and some tentacle thing restrains her (350). The neon-colored slugs then take turn whipping her (250) until her clothes fall off. I, uh, yeah… I think we’ve gone a little too far away from harem into hentai. Welp, time for Ryousuke to pull off a daring rescue mission…

…on some blue flying slugs (250).

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 26600
KKK! — 24145
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 21060

Four down, one to go, and there’s nothing quite like ending with a show where a main character might trip and accidentally fuck his sister. Right away, creampuff girl and pettanko girl begs the main character to measure their skirt length (250). Like any red-blooded male, he… blushes and covers his face like a prude (100).

A fortuitous breeze drops by….

Mmm, yeah, tar-covered crotch really gets me going (250)! Anyway, Imouto takes us to a theme park instead of the beach, but don’t let that prevent you from ogling babes in bikinis (250):

In the end, it turns out the vice president has the same voice-changing phone as everyone else. Then comes the dumbest revelation ever. Y’see, the vice president has been forced into an arranged marriage. Oh how she wishes she was someone else. Someone who wouldn’t have to do what her parents tell her to do. What’s this?! Is that a phone with the ability to alter one’s voice?! Why, I’ve never seen this phone before!! But I bet if I use this phone, I can pretend like I am someone else! Brilliant plan (250)!

C’mon Shougo, don’t let the girl outdumb you. What are you going to do?

Yep, that’s pretty dumb (250)! Your move, vice prez!

Right here, right now, at school (250). Truly, they would make the dumbest babies ever.

Everything else: At this point, Mister X cavorting around in the nude is just passe (150). An “accidental” boob grab (350) during a ride. The vice prez does pretty much strip naked (150). Meh, I’m sure there are more dumb things to tabulate, but I’m tired now.

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 26600
KKK! — 26395
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 21060

Yep, I cheated to get Dekinai back into the game. Tune in tomorrow for the ninth installment.

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12 thoughts on “Harem Hill Week 8: The show goes on

  1. Andmeuths

    You just don’t stop giving! Gold as always!

    Anyway, I’m looking forward to your take on Chocolate’s…. ahem, Yandere.

    Reply
  2. Ian Caronia

    I am way too overjoyed to see Harem Hill continuing. I know it hurts, E Minor, but you gotta admit that there’s some joy to be had in systematically wrecking the harem genre like a beauty pageant judge wrecks the self-esteem of unsuspecting contestants.
    -Those prawn pieces reminded me of the Babel Fish from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, only they have no wit in their construction and their design serves no other purpose than to look stupid. That aside, I’m surprised to see the acid tabs Dekinai’s creators popped before writing the “script” finally kicked in.

    Reply
    1. E Minor Post author

      I will get my nerd badge taken away for confessing this but I have never read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

      Reply
      1. Ian Caronia

        I read the first one but not the second (have an audio play of it on cassette though). If you have the time it’s a pretty fun read.
        And no worries, mate, that badge is overrated anyway. Got mine taken after I admitted I’ve never read the whole Lord of the Rings series. Besides, thanks to this blog I don’t think we will lose those proud symbols so easily. haha

        Reply
        1. E Minor Post author

          Got mine taken after I admitted I’ve never read the whole Lord of the Rings series

          Welp, I’m guilty of that too.

  3. podboq

    Thanks for doing this, someone’s gotta point out the BS. If we’re entertained while you do so, even better :)

    The art in those squid and prawn army screens is actually kinda cool.. if only the characters and plot weren’t utter drek.

    Reply
    1. E Minor Post author

      Thanks for doing this, someone’s gotta point out the BS.

      Someone out there must be doing the same thing I’m doing… probably just not all at once.

      Reply

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