…and I feel fine. Of course, you all voted for me to continue this accursed feature long into the future of this blog (however long that is), but for now, I can rest assured that there will be no more dramatic munching of chocolate bars, no more mysterious imoutos, no more dry-humping godslayers, et cetera, et cetera. Here it is! — the final installment of the summer’s Harem Hill, where everything’s a joke and the points don’t matter.
Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate
Are you a bad enough dude to save your girlfriend and win the election for student council president? The last episode is like an anime version of Die Hard: With a Vengeance. Oojima has to run from payphone to payphone in the allotted time or something bad will happen to Chisato. Unfortunately for him and his campaign, this is all meant to be a distraction: to keep him away from making his final speech to the student body. His campaign team can see his ratings plummet in real time!
Which is a little bizarre. I mean, how does that even work? Do they continually poll the student body throughout the morning? But I’m nitpicking, and besides this and a few other unsavory moments, the episode is actually pretty solidly entertaining. When the powers that be finally apprehend the mastermind behind it all, the anime tries to inject a little moral ambiguity: “Oh, with that minority facing discrimination, there wasn’t any conflict among the other students. It’s what every nation does.” I think this very exchange between Yuina and the current student council president epitomizes Chocolate‘s greatest flaw: too little, too late.
This political issue shouldn’t have been a throwaway line near the end of the final episode. It, like a lot of the other politically-related subjects, should have been the main thrust of the show. But held off until the 11th hour, the topic is necessarily discarded as quickly as it is brought up. The weighty issue must not be all that important then, because the proof is in the pudding. We’d rather waste time on baking sweets than shine a spotlight on an actual election issue.
In the end, Oojima even manages to give a very good speech. Since my country’s presidential election is just a little over a month away, I guess it’s only natural that this particular line stands out to me: “It was more important to prey upon the weaknesses of my rivals then develop my own policies.” Oojima even admits that he initially ran for a very ridiculous reason. Still, it’s too little too late; too much fluff, too little substance.
In all my weeks of writing about Campione!, I have never once bothered to dissect the show’s lousy take on the various myths we know and love. I’m not going to start now. Unfortunately, a large part of this episode is just the characters prattling on about Metis. I’m glad the show finds it an effective storytelling technique to have its characters stand around and chat while an evil goddess hopes to devour their world. For the sake of this post, however, all you need to know is that Metis is Athena’s mom — if you hadn’t already known that — and that she wants to absorb Athena in order to des–… OH GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR OWN DAUGHTER?!
But let’s backtrack a bit. Godou can’t initially fight — something about him already using up his Golden Sword powers — so his beauteous babes will try to hold off Metis while he attempts to escape with the suddenly-amnesiac’d Athena. This plan will work because Erica is still full of Godou’s magical fairy semen, and as we all know, women are weak without our virile seed! Hell, she even has the time to blush in the middle of an attack because she just can’t help spending every living second thinking about how awesome Godou is:
But it was just a matter of time before Godou has to save the day. After all, he has the penis and his haremettes don’t. And thus the final showdown between Godou and the Metis-Athena hybrid who I’m just going to call Methena for brevity’s sake. All of a sudden, the haremettes show up! How did they know where Godou was? I guess they’re just drawn to his penis like flies to a bug zapper.
And one by one, they each plant a big fat kiss on the hero! In between kisses, our manly Godslayer even has the time to taunt the evil goddess:
Unintentionally funny moment: after kissing Ena, gold swords thrust up out of nowhere… if you know what I mean. And like most villains, Methena just stands there and allows her enemy to make out with his haremettes, but at this point, what else can I expect? But oh wait, even Athena kisses him! The only female on the show who hasn’t kissed Godou is his damn sister. Ah shit, I shouldn’t have given them any ideas. So Godou, with a big fuck-off scythe, saves the day:
That’s it. The show ends. There was never much of a plot, just a series of arcs where Godou kisses babes in order to fight off random gods. I have to give Campione! a ton of credit though. It started off like any generic action-harem show, but it got so bad, so quickly that you just have to marvel at it. But as crazy as it might sound, I don’t think two episodes of magical fairy semen is enough to make Campione! the worst harem of the summer season. So we’re down to two.
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai
Poor dog. I’m not even sure what there is to say about this episode. Lisara puts herself in danger to save Ryousuke from the cosmic void. I gotta admit, though… this part of the anime is at least visually interesting to look at:
But the same cannot be said about the story. She confesses her love to him, their happiness creates something magical, ???, the world profits. Yup, that’s it. People are going to use happiness to improve the lives of both humans and shinigami! Sure, the world’s still covered in a shitty green haze, but hey, a girl’s love for a pervert conquers all. Oh, there are naked chicks here and there, but for a finale episode, Dekinai seems pretty understated for once, a far cry from the breast-groping antics of its first few episodes.
Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru!
Uh… alright guys, mystery’s over. Miyabi’s the Imouto. Even better, she knew this little fact all along. She tried to sex up her own brother, knowing fully well that they were blood-related. Worst of all, no one’s even dismayed. No one — not even her own brother.
First of all, nothing even happens. Nothing. Shougo and Ikusu confront Yuzurina, then she just disappears. That’s it. Nothing else. Nada. Shougo then goes to have a talk with Miyabi, who confesses everything. Does Shougo get mad knowing that he could have fucked his own sister? Nuh uh. The anime just ends…
…with all the girls fighting over Shougo, including his own fucking sister. At first, I was interested in the show because they totally played off the Imouto like some weird stalker. That, however, went quickly by the wayside and the show turned into another generic “meet each girl and fix her problem(s)” story that you so often find in harem anime. Still, there was this naive assumption that, “Hey, since Shougo wants to avoid fucking his sister, the converse must be true!” But nope, Miyabi is totally cool with incest. So there you have it: a shit-ending full of incest. Hell, the worst ending of all five shows.
Hey, I’m your sister
And this is crazy,
But I knew it all along
So let’s have flipper babies.
* * * * *
These were the standings as of last week:
KKK! — 32695
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 31650
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 26710
As you might have already noticed, I didn’t bother to do the whole points gimmick for this final post, but let’s face it… I lumped Imouto, Chocolate, and Campione! together because there was no way in hell they were going to contend with the AT-X shows. Without even assigning points this week, we already knew that Dekinai is worse than Estetica. Both shows are full of rapey overtones, and I don’t really feel like debating over whether which show has more rape to it. I mean, really, that’s not a conversation we need. In terms of storytelling, however, Dekinai is far worse, veering off into the land of bland melodrama in its final few episodes. For that and that alone, I bestow upon Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai the Crown of Shit Harem.
But let’s not short change our other shitty harems! In the end, no singular AT-X show is worse than watching three terrible harems back-to-back-to-back. I don’t even have to make up some points for this final week to come to this conclusion. Why, you ask? Because for all of Dekinai and Estetica‘s terribleness, Campione! easily wins the award for The Flat-out Worst Episode of the Season, harem or not.
Last and certainly not least, Imouto has to take home the award for the Worst Ending of the Season. That was terrible. A six year old could come up with a better ending than that. I don’t care if the light novels are still on-going or not, because it doesn’t take a monkey to come up with some sense of finality. That’s just Storytelling 101. But to top it off, you still have the whole incest thing to rival all the rapey shit you got from Dekinai and Estetica. Also, don’t forget all the homophobic nonsense from the third week of the season. Even though I’ve already crowned Dekinai as the worst harem of the season, I’d be lying if I said Imouto didn’t come close all by its lonesome. Hell, for much of the season, it carried the KKK! alliance while Chocolate and Campione! just floundered (nobody saw that 12th episode Campione! coming).
To wrap this up, remember that 79% of you guys voted for me to continue Harem Hill. Are you sure you don’t want to change your vote? I see another incest-themed anime for the fall. I also see a show about treating a socially awkward girl like a pet. The seasons may change, but it’s probably going to be more of the same….