A wise woman once said, “The penis is sensate; the penis is the man; the man is human; the penis signifies humanity.” I am certainly sure I have no idea what she meant, being that I’m just a lowly man, but if Hoshizora e Kakaru Hashi was a penis, I guess it’d be pink and small, and that just can’t bode well for its humanity, now can it?

We open the show with a memory flashback, which is so meta because this anime is destined to be distant memory. A taller kid tells a shorter kid that they’ll be friends forever, which is why this is the first time our main character’s had this memory in a while. Our hero awakes from his precious childhood, and we see that he is aboard a train. A girlie voice calls out to him, “You’re up, Onii-chan,” and I shudder a bit. The last time two anime siblings climbed onto a train and headed out to the country, we had ourselves a good ol’ fashioned failcest. The totally-not-a-girl boy is Ayumu, the sickly brother of the our main man, Kazuma. Ayumu looks out the window and croons at a sparking creek as if it’s the most amazing sight to behold. Big bro can’t help but stare at the water with mouth agape too.

OP intermission

At this point, the OP starts and I see this thing floating at me. I decide this is a good time to get some food and leave my cat to watch the OP for me. Take good notes, Anna.

Back from intermission

We get the title of our first episode:

And I agree — had I been playing this as a dating sim, I would have taken the bear path each and every time.

Our brothers partake in some riveting dialogue about how the countryside is quiet and the air is clean. Sickly boy nods with enthusiasm and you know some old fart wrote this story. I just can’t imagine a kid being sent to the countryside and going “Sweet, clean air!” Our brothers board a bus because the show will be extra nostalgic with extra shots of them sitting alongside numerous windows featuring moving scenery. Ayumu takes the time to ask Kazuma what their new home is going to be like. He tells us, “It was my first time there, but I felt like I’d been there before.” Ah, a veteran of galge too, I see. Following this epic tale of Kazuma’s childhood, in which he describes nothing substantive, we cut to an overhead shot of the bus driving through some forest. This reminds me of the massive tracking shot at the start of The Shining. As a result, I am a little sadder inside — I know there won’t be any hatchets in this anime.

Unfortunately for the pair, they were headed in the wrong direction.

Hey, I’ve been saying that all along! The train ride shots that became bus ride shots are now bus stop shots — it’s a narrative that dares to reach new heights.

Our absurdist play is interrupted by a random monkey stealing Ayumu’s hat. Without a single care in the world, Kazuma dashes off after the monkey, oblivious to the idea that he’ll be leaving his brother behind to squeal like a piggy — that ten dollar hat’s a big deal, y’know. Kazuma retrieves the hat, but nevertheless misses the monkey as if the hat was never the only goal in mind.

Damn that monkey! What should I do?

A) Go back to Ayumu
B) Rape the monkey

Maybe choice B would have gotten us the bear, but Kazuma chose A, earning himself a buxomy beast.

They lock eyes for a second, then quickly regale us with the witty banter of “A-a girl?” and “Y-yes, I’m a girl.” They walk, they talk, and I balk — don’t tease me about the bear when there is no bear:

Our buxomy beast leads Kazuma to a creek and crosses it in two hops and a flash. At this point, I rub my weary eyes.

Am I seeing what I’m seeing?

I think I did. Don’t lie, Kazuma — you did too. Methinks buxomy beauty is holding out on a little secret. Perhaps Kazuma’s mad descent into a hellish forest after some bakemono in the form of a monkey led him to a surreal world of dickgirls just waiting to penetrate his every orifice. It’s like a Japanese The Divine Comedy. For your hat, my dear Beatrice! This would be a very interesting anime after all — or it is just a poorly animated piece o’ shit harem anime that can’t even get a girl’s anatomy right. It’s the latter — I pinch myself and I know it’s the latter. Here I am on a Saturday morning, a little sleep groggy, and examining anime girl’s packages.

Kazuma takes his turn and crosses the creek, but mid-jump, he must have fallen into some portal ’cause we get yet another flashback. We must go deeper!

Dude, no. The boys will never let Kazuma live this down. The camera cuts to buxomy girl’s legs and they kind of shift as if there’s a little something something going on down there. Must be one hell of a kiss — if I was Kazuma, I’d ask, “Is that a wild vegetable in your dress, or are you just happy to see me?” We cut to commercial.

Commercial break

Give us the juicy analysis, anime fans. What do you think of this show?

Hmm, quite.

Back from the commercial break

Our little Brokeback tryst is sadly interrupted by more anime panties.

Whatever she’s doing with her hips, it looks kind of painful, but I’m sure Kazuma felt the brunt of it. Little girl goes on a rant against our main man; how dare he try to tame her friend’s White Dragon?!

Unfortunately, misunderstandings are misunderstandings and Kazuma is sent back to Ayumu with his head down. But hey, he got the hat and the brothers’ odyssey may now continue.

The brothers finally arrive at Yorozuyo Inn. If you keep watching this anime, you’ll notice that there never seems to be another soul in this gigantic palace besides the owner, a young girl mopping the baths, and the two virile brothers. She shows them around and Kazuma can’t help but wistfully stare at fields of leeks and tanks of perpetually flowing water.

Ah, the boondocks. Nothing like tearing yourself away from the modern comforts of 21st century Japan for verdant fields of dickgirls. Upon seeing his room, Kazuma, the ever youthful, remarks, “Wow, so this’ll be my ceiling. Pretty cool.” He runs his fingers across the slanted ceiling like it was the buxomy beast he accidentally flattened earlier that day. The innkeeper wants to treat them to some tea, but first things first… a bath scene. I wonder what’s behind door number shitty harem?

With a “shing!” sound effect, like this is a cheap video game oh wait it is, naked Kazuma walks in on a beautiful girl mopping the baths. Oh my! Kazuma flips out at the idea that a woman can see his penis and tries to hightail it out of the situation as fast as he could. Dear Penthouse, this is not. Being the harem anime that this is instead, he only naturally bumps into the innkeeper and they collapse in a cloud of dust.

I don’t understand why we have this great need to detail everything on the female characters, giving them more than they even need, but render our main man practically sterile. No worries, buddy, I fixed it for you in Paint. One’s better than nothing though; Moe Sucks ain’t rich. Upon coming to her senses, the innkeeper glances downward and goes, “Ara~ pinku.” In a thousand years, sociologists across the world will debate the eternal question: “What exactly was pink down there?” Hey, if we’ve got dick girls in this anime, put me down for the mangina camp.

Some time later, Kazuma grips his defiled body and sobs — I know a certain someone who isn’t wearing white on his wedding day~ Ayumu interrupts the pity fest and drags his sister downstairs for dinner and tea. In yet another time shift, Kazuma reminisces on his busy day — just seventeen minutes into the first episode and we already have our first montage; my generation has no attention span. Perhaps sensing that oniichan is harboring ecchi thoughts about anyone but him, Ayumu uguus his way into Kazuma’s room.

Poor Ayumu couldn’t sleep being just mere yards away from his sibling. He blushes as he clutches the pillow tighter to his face. Ah, the brocest is strong in this anime. We are nearing the end of the episode and I can’t help but wonder if this scene is supposed to be the climax. Oh dear.

We awake to more verdant fields — am I the only one perturbed by scenes of such fertility following a session of bro spooning? Kazuma and Ayumu are introduced to their guide, the bath girl from just a short while ago. Kazuma clutches his last shred of dignity as he nervously apologizes to Tsumugi. She laughs it off:

Ooooooh.

Aaaaahhh, more dick jokes. We are at the height of comedy — it doesn’t get any better than this, folks. Ayumu gives an inquisitive look as if he’s thinking, “Small? What is big like then?” In the following scene, Kazuma bluntly informs us that “Ayumu’s body is pretty fragile.” Say no more, buddy. Since we already had our climax, this must be the denouement.

Mm, nothing like ending an episode with instructions on how to find your subsidiary middle school. Tsumugi tells Ayumu to simply follow people who look like him, a very solid life advice for when we need to get those damn ‘im’grints’ outta the country. As the brothers separate, we arrive at Kazuma’s new school where buxomy beast and her battle-axe friend are both in his class. We close with a wave hello from Ui, the buxomy beast (I should use her name at least once so the nerds don’t get mad at me), but I like to think she’s waving us goodbye.

Ladies and gentleman, this is the start of our harem. In the next few months, one of these lucky ladies will have the privilege of… not being chosen by the main character because we can’t have any plot resolution in an anime. Instead, we’ll just debate on blogs across the internet on who Kazuma should have ended up with because this makes all the damn difference in the world. At this point, I close the media player and stare wistfully out of my apartment window.