After posing as a runaway girl in last week’s episode, it’s back to school for Asa. She tells her clubmates that she got a nasty cold. In her absence, another girl has been chosen to play with the band, so she mutters under her breath, “It’s not fair.” Does Asa need more time off from school or does she need some semblance of normalcy? The latter hasn’t really been working out. The school finally has her speaking to a counselor, but Asa isn’t very receptive to the idea. It’s actually pretty surprising to me that this is the first time we see her receive any sort of mental help, and I’m a little wary of the fact that it’s linked to the school. To be fair, the counselor seems nice enough from what we can see. Even so, and maybe this is just my cynicism speaking, I would always wonder if they have my best interests at heart or the school’s. It’s like with HR, y’know? Are you here for me or for the company?
Later, Asa has Makio look over the lyrics to an original song, because she also wants to perform with the band. The woman turns bright red when she reads them. She says they’re “young and fresh.” I’m not sure what that means. When Asa presses for more advice, what Makio ends up saying seems pretty on point to me: be more specific, focus on a single topic, etc. But Asa is reminded of her counseling session, so she is dissatisfied. She presses Makio even further, so the woman gets a bit too metaphorical. It comes as weird, especially to a teenager. Asa struggles with the fact that she can’t channel her pain into anything specific. All she can do at the moment is write platitudes. She always feels like people are speaking a different language. In other words, they’re talking past each other. She doesn’t understand what the counselor wants from her. She can’t pick up on her best friend’s discomfort about her sexuality. She can’t grasp her aunt’s all-too-personal advice.
Asa seems to take umbrage when the counselor tells her that they can talk about anything that is on her mind. They usually do this to help break the ice, to find some insight on your personality or how you’re feeling at the moment, to build a rapport, to establish a safe space where the child feels as they can talk about anything, etc. It’s the standard playbook. But instead, Asa sees the exercise as a burden; she thinks the counselor is putting all of the work on her shoulders: “Is that something I’m supposed to come up with.” With Emiri, Asa echoes a similar thought when talking about their future careers: “I wish someone would just choose for me.” Maybe this is all a symptom of her missing her mother’s overbearing, controlling personality. You can see this leaking out in other ways. When Shingo comes bearing groceries, Asa sees this act of love as “spoiling” Makio. She even adds, “I think it’d be better for her if you were more strict.” The child is practically begging to be scolded. Makio and the counselor both want Asa to express herself freely. Just pick a direction and go. But how can you do that when you feel lost and isolated? What direction? That’s the crux of the problem. Asa wants (her mother’s) harsh guidance; she wants to be told what to do and where to go. But it was this same sort of guidance that made Makio estrange herself from her sister, so she almost seems like the last person on earth for Asa to lean on if she desires strictness.
Asa probably wonders who’s the adult and who’s the child when she sees her aunt act out in front of Shingo, especially in comparison to her mother. Well, she’ll come to realize one day that there’s no real “A-ha!” moment that officially ushers you into adulthood. Some of us adults are still quite childish in many ways. You don’t just wake up and suddenly have it figured out. The only thing you can be certain about are your responsibilities and obligations. Everything else, however, remains a blur. Makio says as much at the very end of the episode: “I wonder if I’ll ever know… who I am, what I do and don’t love, and how I’ll live my life. Maybe someday I’ll figure it out.” For a lot of us, just making it to the next day, the next month, the next year is good enough for now.
At Shingo’s behest, Makio invites a fellow writer over to help solve her writer’s block. Asa listens in on the conversation, and what Juno talks about sounds exactly like what Asa is going through at the moment: writing stuff that feels bland, finding no joy in your own work, feeling lonely and helpless, etc. But as she confesses earlier in the episode, she can’t internalize any of the advice she gets right now. So instead, Asa is spoiling for a fight. When Juno affectionately calls her chibi-san, she thinks the woman is mocking her size. Asa practically screams back at the adults in the room, but their lack of a response disarms her. She can’t stay mad. She’s expecting pushback and she gets nothing. She wants to engage in a bit of a tête-à-tête with a mother — have one of those familiar feeling spats between a teenager and their authority figure, y’know — but no one around Asa can step into the gaping hole left behind by her parents’ tragic passing. Even though she lashed out after reading her mother’s journal, it’s obvious that Asa simply misses her mother for all the good and the bad. Moms keep coming up as a conversation topic, after all. Juno feels as though her mere existence robbed her mother of her aspirations. Shingo’s mother got mad when his father derided his choice to become a banker (she had also been a banker before she got married). Emiri’s mother had shared some embarrassing stories about her with Makio. How can Asa overhear all of this and not miss her mom? In the end, she feels no less lost than before.
Stray thoughts & observations:
— Five years ago, at a New Year’s party, Makio nonchalantly announced to her girlfriends that she and Shingo had broken up. When pressed for a reason, she simply said that he was “too perfect” that it was “draining.” Comparison is the thief if joy, maybe? Someone who looks like they are organized might make Makio feel inadequate. I don’t really get it, but hey, if you’re not happy, then you’re not happy. People always ask, “Is x or y a good enough reason to break up with someone?” You can break up with anyone for any reason. Don’t overthink it.
— Asa is still clueless about her friend. It’s kinda insensitive. Emiri’s just brushing it off for now, but you never know when people hit their limit. Before you know it, you might burn a bridge you never intended to.
