For a lot of people, Paris is this idealized city full of cultural icons (e.g. the Eiffel Tower), good food, good wine, and romantic, passionate people. Then you go to the real Paris and realize that, like any other megalopolis, it can be kind of a dump. That’s Tamon in a nutshell. That cool, hyper-confident idol onstage belies the fact that, in real life, he’s a hot mess who threatens to commit suicide (jokingly or not) whenever his housekeeper rejects him. He might seem cool and gallant when he pleads with Utage to be true to himself in the season finale, but that’s the sneaky thing about Tamon. Whenever he needs to, he can always turn on the performance; he can always become the idealized Tamon in a pinch. When you interact with the guy and Hottiehara comes out of nowhere, you can never truly know if he’s being genuine or just putting on the fake stage persona. I especially don’t buy his act in front of the children one tiny bit. At the end of the day, we have to rely on our evidence, which is what we’ve seen of the real Tamon over the previous twelve episodes. Ultimately, if you had to pick between idol Tamon or Tamon’s b-side, who would you choose? In theory, you’re not supposed to want the simulation. You’re supposed to want the real thing — the person whom you will actually be spending most of your time with. Tamon’s idol self is a performance, and your lover can’t perform 24/7. In fact, go to the doctor if it lasts longer than two or three hours.
Jokes aside, this is seemingly true for all of the boys in F/ACE (well, we haven’t met the fifth and final member). They all have b-sides, and the b-sides all suck. They don’t just suck by comparison. If you could somehow take the idol thing away and just make them normal boys, they would still suck as people. Ori is a complete jackass who never once gave a shit about his own superfans. Suddenly, he sees a Tamon superfan treat her idol like a god, so Ori wants her for himself. Pathetic. And they always give these characters sob stories as if that justifies their misanthropic behavior. Aw, mommy and daddy told Ori that he could never surpass them, so he hates losing! What? Am I supposed to feel bad for him now? The same goes for Keito, the miser who sees every fan as exploitable paypigs. Aw, but you see, he has to take care of all his siblings and make sure they can afford college! Sorry, but the world is full of poor people trying to make ends meet, and yet somehow, they find it within themselves to be nice. Great, Keito can pay Utage a rare compliment once in a blue moon. What, do you expect me to give him a cookie for that? Being a decent human being is what he’s supposed to do! Natsuki is the only redeemable member of the cast, because at least he doesn’t bully Tamon. But he’s also killing everyone around him slowly with secondhand smoke, so nevermind.
Then we have Mr. B-Side himself, a.k.a. the King of Mold, a.k.a. the Fungus Among Us. The second Utage steps away, this kid collapses. Is this real? Or is yet another performance to get Utage to come racing back to his side? Hell, does the answer even matter? Y’see, Utage can’t leave now, because if Gloomyhara dies, he also drags Hottiehara down with him. There’s this pervasive romantic notion that our lovers have to need us. We want them to passionately proclaim, “I can’t live without you!” But is that really desirable in reality? Is that even attractive? What would you think of your SO if their life fell to pieces just because you weren’t there? What would you think of your SO if they started hallucinating that there were multiple versions of you all around their pigsty of an apartment? I wouldn’t want that! I would want to be with someone who has their shit together. Of course, I don’t mean you need to have literally every problem in your life completely figured out. It’s a tough world out there. But at the very least, you shouldn’t collapse at work and start seeing things just because your not-girlfriend housekeeper quit on you.
If Tamon was putting on act, that’s obviously problematic. But even if he wasn’t, that’s still problematic. This is other my problem with Tamon. Set aside the fact that he would often threaten to kill himself whenever Utage rejected him. You can kinda sorta play this up as hyperbole, because this show kinda leans in the romcom direction. But if you take a step back and look at Tamon as a whole, what has he learned? What has changed about him over the course of the long season? Has he actually grown at all as a person? In fact, how did he make it this far in life without Utage? And why does it seem like he’s gotten worse ever since he’s gotten to know her? At the very end of the episode, Tamon tells Utage through tears that he would accept any decision she makes. Sure, I totally believe that… except for the fact that he literally stalked her to find out where she lived.
Despite all of Tamon’s problems, however, Utage ultimately decides to stay by his side. Many Japanese tourists suffer from Paris syndrome when they come face-to-face with the real thing. Not Utage, though. She doesn’t have Tamon syndrome. Her problem isn’t that the real Tamon sucks. I mean, he does suck, but that fact doesn’t actually bother her. Her actual problem is that she stared into the dump, then proceeded to fall in love with the dump. When people crave a burger, they think of the fake but shiny food-looking product that is probably jampacked with glue and other inedible nonsense in order to make it look good on TV. What they get at a fast food joint instead is often a dry, overcooked patty hastily slapped between two limp buns by poorly compensated wage slaves. Social commentators have often pointed out the absurdity of (post)modern individuals making real decisions based on their hyperreal fixations. Somehow, Utage manages to go the other way and desire the real over the hyperreal. She tries to reject Tamon’s b-side by quitting, but every time she looks at the idealized version — every time she goes to worship at the altar of the hyperreal Tamon — she is reminded of the dump instead. In a way, it’s hilarious. She suddenly needs to strip her room bare of all Tamon merchandise. The popess of the Church of Tamon is having a crisis of faith. We always knew that she wouldn’t really quit being a housekeeper. We always knew that she would come back to Tamon in the end, because that’s how these anime romcoms always play out. The final episode tries to hedge itself by claiming that Utage actually enjoys being a housekeeper! It’s not just for Tamon! She just really, really likes helping people! But in the end, she can only reconcile her belief in her oshi god by embracing the dump. She’ll simply have to hide her blasphemy.
Eh, what else can I say? The “rom” was simply not very romantic. The grand conclusion after thirteen episodes is “I love him more than just as a superfan, but I have to hide my feelings.” Meanwhile, the “com” is basically “Haha, classic Tamon trying to kill himself over his low self-esteem again!” Tamon’s B-Side is just a ridiculous scenario (high school girl gets to wait hand and foot for one of the biggest pop star in the country) full of ridiculously unlikable people.
Stray thoughts & observations:
— Even though I don’t think Utage and Tamon are a good match, I think quitting without any warning kinda sucks. Then again, he’d probably threaten suicide again, so… yeah… yeah, nevermind. Y’see, if he wasn’t mentally ill, then it would suck to ghost him.
— I mean, would a normal person stalk a high school girl in order to find out where she lived? I thought for a second that maybe the housekeeping service had spilled the beans, but no, they won’t break the law. So of course, Tamon takes things into his own hands.
— Trust the kids! They have a sixth sense about this kind of thing!
— Wait, no, don’t trust the kids. Tamon spends one afternoon cleaning an apartment, and that is somehow enough to win the kids over.
— Huh, Utage actually enjoys being abused by the rest of F/ACE. Maybe she’s a masochist. She makes up all sorts of ridiculous excuses for grown men acting like children.
