The twelfth episode of Campione! is the worst episode to ever worst. Oh yeah, you read that right. It worsted. It worsted hard. All season long, I’ve been doing my own little competition to determine which of the summer’s five harem series should take home the prestigious Crown of Shit Harem. Now, for those following the developments of Harem Hill up until now, you must know just as well as I do that Campione! has been a pretty poor contender, but this episode… this magnificent pile of shit of an episode truly and absolutely takes the cake. Campione! may not be this season’s shittiest harem, but this twelfth episode deserves its very own spotlight.
Forget Estetica‘s little piss-inducing moment or Dekinai‘s multiple molestation scenes. Those were merely hors d’oeuvres to the main course before you. Campione!‘s twelfth episode may very well be this summer’s worst episode. There are no nipples, no water sports, no tentacles — none of those things that have propelled the shittiest of shitty harems to the top. No, what this episode has is the audacity of hope! The willingness to realize one’s dreams… that with just enough stupidity, even Campione! can rise to the top of the mountain of shit harem albeit for just a single episode.
To put things into context, when we last visited Campio–… actually, scratch that. Fuck context. Context is for losers. Take this!
This fully-clothed dry humping is something else! Look at the raw animal passion on display.
Not only are the individual strands of saliva being animated for your very viewing pleasure, but Godou likes his air sex rough… very rough:
Hm, but y’know, I don’t think I can quite fully appreciate such a powerful scene without a few more dramatic camera angles. In fact, I think some awkward crotch shots might just do the trick!
More, I say! More!
As you can plainly see, their bottom halves aren’t even touching. And yet when it’s all said and done, Erica coos, “I can feel you inside me. It feels so warm.” That’s right, y’all, Godou’s magical fairy semen made its way into Erica’s womb somehow, and it heals! Magical fairy semen cures cancer! No, don’t even pretend it’s Godou’s Campione power or whatever bullshit you just made up this week. It’s magical. Fairy. Semen. And it can fly through the air, and I’m not having it any other way.
Okay, now we can have some context. Y’see, Erica was going to die. Why? I dunno, I guess the possessed Ena was draining her mana or something. Basically, it’s-make-up-your-bullshit-as-we-go-along week. Oh, you want even more context? Okay, Godou got pulled into this intermediate dimension because of Ena’s gramps, who’s really Susanoo. And while Godou and Susanoo was talking, Ena’s sword, which is really Ama no Murakumo, hears Erica brag about how awesome it is to spend even one fucking second with Godou — seriously, she literally says, “Every day feels new… It’s wonderful” — and the fucking sword decides it wants Godou to itself. Godou is such a lady killer that he woos sentient phallic symbols without even realizing it. But who really gives a shit, because all that matters is air sex!
But before our couple can even enjoy the afterglow of their raunchy air humping session, this weird mecha-like manifestation of Ama no Murakumo appears, and it’s “piloted” by a naked Ena. Thanks to Godou’s magical fairy semen, however, Erica can fight again! With her newfound strength, she launches a giant Nike at the mecha-thing:
And this gives Godou enough time to pull a very naked Ena out of the monster, who isn’t very concerned by the way. Oh, I’m boobs-deep in some freaky sword god thing?
Teehee, just let me die! But our manly air sex champion doesn’t heed the fair maiden’s advice.
C’mon now, you can’t read Harem Hill and not predict what happens next:
But the best part comes right after!
Are you serious? You just brazenly humped Erica for five, six minutes — God knows how long that poor voice actress had to pretend she was being kissed by such a virile Godslayer! — and now you’re embarrassed about a naked girl straddling you? You didn’t just tongue-kissed Erica. You hiked one of her legs up for no apparent reason, Hoover’d the spit out of her mouth, then bit her lips or tongue hard enough to draw blood like some weirdo, but you can’t handle a naked girl on top of you? ”Whoa, I draw the line at bloodletting! Get that sex stuff outta here!” You can’t be serious, man! You cannot be serious! That ball was clearly in! How can you possibly call it out!
By the way, literally eight seconds later…
…Ena’s fully clothed again. What, you ask? How did she get her clothes on so quickly, you wonder? Oh ho ho, you missed it, didn’t you! You think it’s a continuity error on the animator’s part, huh? See, we storyboarders at Studio Diomedea are crafty sonuvabitches. Look again!
There! Those flashy beams of light! They totally signify a girl putting her uniform back on! Subtle, isn’t it? Haha, and you thought we made an error! What? You think we’re just being lazy? C’mon, this anime has magical fairy semen! Why wouldn’t a girl thus have the magical ability to put her clothes on when you have magical fairy semen?!
All of a sudden, the world falls apart around them… thus revealing the, uh, real world:
Then “Athena” shows up and absorbs Ama no Murakumo:
I say “Athena” because here’s the real Athena:
So the evil Athena is really Metis and what separates them is a stupid fucking hat. Where did Metis even come from anyway, you ask? Uh… um… magical fairy semen? One episode left, folks… this better be one glorious finale to top what I just watched.