…you just can’t notice how good it is! I love basketball! I especially enjoy watching talented post players (e.g. Olajuwon or even a guard like Kobe Bryant). And this season just happens to have a basketball anime! As a result, I’m totally stoked. Let’s go!

• The opening introduces us to a few really special basketball players in Japan. They’re all called the “Generation of Miracles.” I’m sorry, but that… that doesn’t inspire awe or fear. I don’t understand the need to put a shounen-y label on everything. I mean, if you thought Field of Dreams was corny… why can’t we just say that these were talented athletes and leave it at that?

• The anime also praises the sixth man,” i.e. the first guy off the bench. Last year’s NBA Sixth Man of the Year is currently rocking a PER (an adjusted efficiency rating; 15 would be the league average) of 9.34. There’s no special insight here; the anime just reminded how much Lamar Odom totally sucks now.

What a coincidence–that just happens to be his name!

• Regarding Taiga’s background: “He went to middle school in America. Must have learned from the source.” Yes, Taiga learned how to play basketball from nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaturally talented African Americans hailing from the land of opportunity.

• I was going to remark how every sports anime always has to have a female team manager, but to my surprise, Aiko is actually the coach. Well played, anime. Well played.

• Aiko’s dad is a sports trainer so that somehow gives her the talent to instantly discern someone’s physical attributes just by staring at him or her at a standstill. In fact, this is what she really sees:

I’ve read the manga and it turns out that Aiko is really a super kawaii Terminator sent from the future to evaluate skinny Japanese guys. Y’see, after being thoroughly embarrassed by Michael Jordan, the aliens have instead set their sights on Japan and South Korea. They instantly crushed all competition; it turns out the ability to seduce a 2-D bishoujo and 6 pool rush didn’t really translate well to physical competition–who knew? Now, East Asia’s only hope lies in one Terminator chick and her team of misf–… nah, I’m just shitting you; this is just another example of P-P-POWER LEVELS!1!! leaking into every single anime.

• Taiga is so-goddamn-buff, however, that Aiko sees… onigiri?

What?

• Kuroko, the last guy to be evaluated, stuns everyone there. Why? ‘Cause he’s good at being unnoticed. No, seriously, I’m not shitting you this time.

• Oh well, this isn’t an anime about realism so we need a character that the average Joe can root for. No one wants to root for the genetic freak, i.e. Taiga. We want to root for someone like us, i.e. Kuroko. I can thus stomach the fact that Kuroko panders a bit to the audience. But still, the following scene is so contrived:

Sports stories have always been about underdogs. You don’t have to insult my intelligence by having Aiko literally tell me that Kuroko can’t cut it as a basketball because of her special ability to measure power levels.

• Taiga’s a humongous dick over just how bad Japanese people are at basketball:

I guess we need a villain for the time-being, but still, the story could’ve given him a better reason to be disdainful of his new team. Getting all worked up about Asians in general sucking at basketball is like bitching about how most Americans can’t make good ramen.

• Uh oh, we’ve got a badass over here.

• Er, ew:

First, Aiko can see your power level. Now, some guy can smell your power level. But because Kuroko’s so inconspicuous, he has no smell!

• Taiga and Kuroko briefly play one-on-one, but to Taiga’s surprise, Kuroko really sucks (spoilers: he doesn’t really suck). Kuroko’s comeback?

I have no words.

• The basketball team decides to have a scrimmage between the first years and the second years. Time to see how good the animation is–… oh anime:

• Here,

we see three guys guarding one guy who’s just passing the ball. For the uninitiated, basketball has five players on each side. If three people are guarding a single person, that means there are at last two others that are completely wide open. Again, I know that realism will never be the strong suit in sports anime, but still… you’re totally breaking my balls here, anime.

• We get a montage of Taiga constantly Mozgov-Perkins’ing his new team.

Basically, actions lines everywhere.

• The first years are losing and Taiga’s obviously cheesed. Time for Kuroko to…

…sparkle like an Edwardian vampire? It turns out that Kuroko’s so inconspicuous, his opponents don’t notice him passing the ball. I… I’m speechless. It would’ve been more believable had the anime just said, “This guy is so attractive, we can’t even focus on basketball,” but somehow, (anime) reality is stranger than fiction. Better yet, just say he’s really damn good at passing despite being physically unimposing. Y’know, like Steve Nash or even Ricky Rubio. Instead, Kuroko “[diminishes] his… weak presence” to the point that he owns you. Sigh.

• “Misdirection,” Aiko says.

“You’re a wizard,” Hagrid says.

• If Kuroko is really so good at making himself unnoticed, the best strategy is to literally be the sixth man on the floor. No, I mean that there should be six people on the court for his side. C’mon, since we’re already in goddamn fantasy land, what’s the big deal? It’s not like they can see him anyway!

• Oh God, I think I’m dumber just for having seen that episode. Thankfully, the Suns-Lakers game is about to start.