Welcome back to our weekly installment of Harem Hill. Last time, Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai staged a furious comeback, stunning the frontrunner Hagure Yuusha no Estetica to take week one’s crown. Here is the scoreboard again for anyone just tuning us.
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 2150
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 1610
Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! — 825
Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate — 200
Campione! — 70
With a long summer season ahead of us, however, it’s still anyone’s ga-… uh huh. Uh huh. Hm… interesting. Ladies and germs, our judging panel has decided to level the playing field. Under the current format, Dekinai and Estetica have far too great of an advantage. Until now, we’ve only been looking for fanservice, but can a harem not be shitty in other ways? Therefore, the judging panel promises to submit the harems to even greater scrutiny. While nudity will always score big in Harem Hill, stupidity is making a comeback!
Now let’s start the show!
With a lot of ground to make up, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate starts off with the classic childhood friend trope, but did we not establish this last week? The anime nonchalantly segues into a boob-grabbing scene.
Smooth. Altogether? Let’s say 250 points.
Dekinai, last week’s winner, understands that it’s a marathon and not a sprint. It begins innocently enough with a panty shot. The harem lead delivers some nonsensical rambling about the intoxicating smell of sweat assaulting his senses…
…despite, y’know, sitting there in the middle of rain. The panty shot and low stupidity combines for 150 points.
Last week’s lame duck, Campione!, begins by making Pandora a twin-tailed loli. This is pretty mild stupidity, no? — so about 50 points. Clearly, however, Campione! got the message that it has to step its game up.
Our dense harem lead wakes up to a naked blonde chick in his bed (150). Why did he not notice till now (50)? So what’s a harem lead to do with a naked bombshell in his bed? Obviously scream at her to put some clothes on! 100 points for being yet another generic nipponjin.
Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! knows that its one advantage is to keep up the creepy stalker sister angle, but can it do it for two weeks in a row? The opening starts off with a maid cafe trope — every harem anime needs one (50). But why does everyone care so much about our harem lead? The recruiter admits that it’s mainly his wealth that they’re targeting. Still, a bit of a flaccid opening for Imouto.
After suffering a humiliating defeat last week, Hagure Yuusha no Estetica is looking for revenge. Right off the bat, we have the harem lead whipping the girl into bed (250), who can’t help but let out a “Kyaaaa~” (50). And who could forget the panty shot (100)?
But egads, don’t get carried away and show male nudity! Do you think I’d be watching this show if I was comfortable with my sexuality?! That’s a big penalty (-1000)!
But worry not. Estetica gets right back on track by forcibly stripping the girl down to just her panties (350). The girl pretends to be the harem lead’s imouto to prevent the onslaught, but to no avail.
This is a harem lead who knows what he wants as he quickly assaults her boobs (450)! Unfortunately, the naked harem lead really held back what could’ve been a transcendent start for Estetica.
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 2300
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 1810
Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! — 875
Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate — 450
Campione! — 420
Chocolate is just awkwardly flailing about now with the uninspired yaoi joke (100). The harem tries to double down on stupidity when the male lead is later assaulted by the student council president’s bodyguards. Yes, the student council president has bodyguards. Still, this is only a middling level of stupidity (100) — certainly not enough to overcome raunchiness of the other competitors.
With Estetica making up some precious ground on Dekinai‘s slim lead, the harem lead here tries his hand at stupidity too by nicknaming his penis “my kingdom” (100). The red-headed female informs our male lead that she’ll be transferring into his school — so, so original (50).
But not to be topped, Imouto brandishes a transfer student of its own (50). Not only that, it’s a reverse trap (100)! The anime also gets some bonus points for low stupidity: no one seems to realize that they’re obviously staring at a girl (50), and this sets Imouto up perfectly for the whammy:
Unfortunately, Imouto fails to capitalize by exploiting the trope where girl get mad and throw objects at the harem lead (150). Not only that, the anime gets all meta and has a student ask why there are always transfer students. The teacher replies, “…I hate kids who mind tiny details like that.” Eesh, cleverness in my generic harem? No thanks (-50).
Seeing as how Dekinai‘s time in the spotlight was rudely interrupted, the anime sneaks back in with a subtle panty shot (100). But other than some lame comedy bits and clothed boob-docking (100), Dekinai finishes the middle act meekly.
Like Chocolate, Campione! appears lost in this big league competition. The blonde tsundere from last week has gone total deredere. Dude, you never go total deredere. Still, we get a judicious amount of cleavage from our main girl (100), which seems to drive the harem lead’s imouto rather jealous (50). And of course, the harem lead is sad now that his relationship with his imouto is ruined. Nothing like creepy incest insinuations!
Campione! wouldn’t dare to disappoint its audience either so the blonde girl is a transfer student too (50)! Wow, three transfer students in one week. Technically, the girl in Estetica is also a transfer student… from another dimension! What’s up, Chocolate? Why are you the lame duck now? Still, only 200 measly points for Campione! Maybe it should just give up. It still hasn’t caught up with Chocolate.
With its strong start ruined by male nudity, Estetica hopes to get right back on track. Unfortunately, it stumbles by making its hero too much of a badass (-100). Hey, we like our nipponjins weak and wussy!
Time to get back to what the harem lead knows best: stealing panties (350). The girl is now furious, so she decides to power up. Y’know, when you’re missing your panties, it’s probably not a good idea to use any powers that might lift your skirt up.
This stupidity is worth something (50). Estetica seizes the opportunity and delivers the double whammy!
Stealing her bra (350) and showing off frontal nudity (150)? You don’t say! What’s that? Do I hear a “Kyaaa~!” too just for the cherry on top (50). Nice.
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 2660
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 2650
Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru! — 1175
Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate — 650
Campione! — 620
Wow, Estetica barely inches ahead with a ten point lead. It’s time for the homestretch. Wait, what’s this? The representatives of Kono Naka ni Kitori, Imouto ga Iru!, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate,
CKampione! have decided to forge an unholy alliance! All hail the new superpower, KKK!
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 2660
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 2650
KKK! — 2445
Can the trio do enough in the final act to threaten the top two harems? The Chocolate contingent immediately delivers the goods with a panty shot (100).
The bad news? It’s blurred (-50). The good news? She’s covered in suggestive gunk (150)! The harem lead then gives a rousing, but completely boring speech. Chocolate ends with him and a childhood friend eating chocolate in the moonlight… uh, okay.
Kampione! isn’t as perverted as other shows, but it can deliver with the generic goodness. First, shrine maidens. Second, shady figures going “OMOSHIROI” over and over. Finally, a silly fight between the harem lead and the blonde girl because she just has to test his powers! These are only worth 50 points each, but with the new alliance, every little bit counts!
Finally, Imouto steps up to the plate to hopefully wrap up KKK!‘s opening effort on a high note. Is that awkward ass-shaking at the school dance? Why yes, yes it is (50). Our filthy rich heir then gets his groove on with all of the girls at the party:
I don’t have a fucking clue what “the legendary dolphin tango” is, but it’s gotta be worth big points just for its audacity (200). Throw in some obligatory boob-grabbing (200):
And some convenient malfunctioning of clothing (150), it looks as though Imouto might just lead the KKK! alliance to the promised land.
Last, but certainly not least, we have our creepy phone call from the doting sister (100).
Our harem show is turning into a veritable mystery. Imouto offers some petit fours for the finish:
A classy touch (150). After tabulating all the points, the newfound KKK! pulls in a hefty 1150 points for the final act, bringing its total up to 3595. Will this harem triumvirate upset the balance of order?
Dekinai knows that the only way to fight off the upstart alliance is by delving into fetishes, and BDSM is the perfect start (150). And what’s better than one naked mahou shoujo transformation sequence? Two naked mahou shoujos (300)!
And what’s better than one boob grab? Two boob grabs (700)!
With 1150 points in the final act, Dekinai does just enough to hold off KKK!, but let’s not forget that Estetica had just managed to overtake the lead by a mere ten points.
Bam, Estetica‘s heroes stumble upon yuri in the middle of the P.E. equipment building (250). After one of the girls run away in embarrassment, the door closes and our harem lead is conveniently trapped with three babes. This isn’t stupid at all because we all know that doors can only be opened from the outside (250). Oh no, one of the girls have to pee. What will we do? Our harem lead does what he does best and solves the problem!
With two simple strokes, every girl will now have to pee! Fuck yeah, water sports (500)! But the girls don’t want to pee because it’s just so hazukashii~! Fine, the harem lead will just have to force them to pee:
There you have it — biting a girl’s ear will make her pee uncontrollably (250).
And of course, the money shot:
No, those are not shadows beneath the three girls (150). Enjoy! And yes, there’s even a triple nude shower scene at the end (450). What a spectacular finish for Estetica! It doesn’t look good for the other competitors, but let’s tabulate the numbers anyway:
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 4510
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 3800
KKK! — 3595
Estetica was embarrassed last week by allowing Dekinai to stage an upset, but never underestimate the heart of a champion! But even though that lead looks big, it’s encouraging to see that the three lesser harems have decided to put away their differences and pool their shittiness together. With just two weeks under our belt, a 915-point lead for Estetica over KKK! hardly seems insurmountable. With that, I’ll see you guys next week.
Our Crown of Shit Harem lesson of the week: bite your girlfriend’s ear and enjoy the dampy goodness!