All you lonely girls out there, it is time to teach you how to get a man! Now I know what you’re thinking: “I’m such an unpopular girl! I have no friends, and all I care about is school, school, school! How will I ever get a boyfriend!” Fear not, my little wallflower. Allow me to show you the way~
It’s a good thing you’re already unpopular. Make sure you even have some sort of pathos. How? Oh, just by saying stuff like, “People always betray me… It’s like a doll house. You hang out together, and pretend to be friends, but when it suits them, they just abandon you.” Hot guys will only go for unpopular girls. But don’t take it from me. Take it from my sensei, Stephen T. Colbert:
Their song “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” isn’t just catchy, it has a great message. “You don’t know you’re beautiful. That’s what makes you beautiful.”
First of all: great dating advice. Remember girls, low self esteem – very attractive to men. Guys always go for the low hanging fruit, easy pickings.
But look… nowadays, just being a cute but unpopular wallflower isn’t enough anymore. You’re going to have to bump the angst up a little. Spice up your back story a bit, if you know what I’m saying. Preferably with a dead rabbit.
Bitches Dicks love dead rabbits:
Oooh, ooh, it seems as though a guy is finally taking notice of you. But how do you know he’s the right one? Good question, girls. Check his hair. Is it black? Awesome. Is it disheveled? Even better! Does it resemble Skrillex? My dear, I believe you’ve just hit the romantic jackpot!
But look, just because he notices you, and you notice him noticing you, doesn’t mean the sparks will fly just yet! Make him chase you a little. Make him be persistent! Romance isn’t born out of mutual interest!
I mean, what are we? Grandmas? No! Romance comes from a boy battering down your defenses until you just can’t say no anymore! But look, don’t think your job is done just quite yet. You think because he’s got the hair and the can’t-take-no attitude, he has what it takes to be an alpha male? “But wait,” you ask, “why do I even want an alpha male?”
Good question! If a nasty perpetrator breaks into your home in the middle of the night, will your man rush downstairs naked with a baseball bat, or will he cower under the covers with you? I got that from The Mindy Project, a delightful little show about a neurotic woman hung on how her relationships must resemble Meg Ryan flicks, so I know it’s full of good advice! My point is, you’ve gotta test your man! How? Put yourself in a little danger!
Lemme tell you what, nothing gets a man going like seeing his woman get kidnapped, preferably by another man. It probably taps into a primal instinct from the Stone Age, and hey, if it’s good enough for the neanderthals, it’s good enough for us. And maybe a little threat of rape wouldn’t hurt either, y’know? Notice any salaryman around you lately? Maybe slip him an extra choco danish, if you know what I mean? Eh? Eh?
So what did your man do? Did he leap instantly into action? Did he rush headfirst into danger even if it meant punching you square in the nose? Wonderful! Very wonderful! But here’s the coup d’grace:
Yes! Kissed you without your permission! Oh, how spontaneous! Nothing like a boy you’ve barely known locking lips with you out of nowhere, ’cause that could never go wrong. You’ll know the kiss hit the spot if you suddenly see a blurry image of a cat yawning. And if he squints his eyes at that evil salaryman — whose unwanted affections for you is totally different from your man’s unwanted affections — you know you have your alpha male. Now that you’ve picked out your man though, what’s next? You still have dates to go on, stolen moments to be had-… oops, look at the time. I guess we’ll just have to continue this next week… in Shoujo Seminar 101.