Our first candidate for Harem Hill? Looks like it.
In a thick, dense jungle far, far away…
…lives a shiny dragon with pretty eyelashes…
Nyoron: That looks like a fucking horse. I love dragons. That’s no dragon. It’s a horse.
…she then turns into a hot humanoid babe.
‘Cause if there’s one thing World of Warcraft has taught us, it’s that all female dragons are also hot humanoid babes. Lying before her…
…are two children. The boy’s name is Ash Blake, and he’s missing an arm.
Whoops, not anymore. Now he’s all full of privilege. Okay, that’s enough plot for now. Time for the amazing OP and its amazing JPOP song. Sit back, relax, and acclimate yourself to a cast of hot girls waiting to jump your bones.
The one that will win by default because she’s the first girl we see in the OP.
The blonde girl with a big rack because she’s blonde and all foreigners have big fucking racks, am I right fellas?
ARGH LOOK AWAY IT’S A GUY MY FRAGLE SEXUALITY–
Hay gurl, whatchu doin’?
Hmph, I smear my face with cream whenever I eat a crepe like a child, and now I’m mad at you for noticing.
Now meet bigger boobs. Not big enough?
Oh shit, too big. What do you think this is? Eiken? Dial it back. Dial it way back. Dial it so far back, it gets creepy.
Noicer. And y’know what? Throw in a brown girl ’cause this shit is equal-opportunity!
Just ignore the Zechs reject next to her. And because we’re all about equality here, let’s give the mentally-impaired some love too!
Perfect. I think we’ve got a hit on our hands, guys! Let’s do it! Let’s start the show!
Well, that’s definitely a firecracker way to kick things off. Aw yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.
Our mysterious maiden then lifts up Ash Blake’s shirt to reveal…
…rock-hard six-pack abs. We ain’t in Shinji-land no more, son. This is motherfuckin’ Ash Brakku! She then proceeds to… kiss his arm? Yo lady, the abs ain’t gonna kiss themselves. So okay, she’s Navi, and what she’s doing here is a ceremony for the Navi that’s about to be born. ‘Cause she’s gotta entrust this new Navi to our hero, and what better way to do this than by imprinting your impossibly huge tits on a guy’s body? Look, if you know of a better way, I’m all ears.
Now, you’re gonna watch a lot of shows about magical academies this season, but I want you to ask yourself whether or not these other shows contain flying fucking dragons?
Yeah, that’s what I thought. We soon find out that Ash Blake is no superstar among his peers. In fact, he’s “[t]he school’s number-one problem child!” Wow! And he still has all that time to get six-pack abs? Bravo, dude. Anyway, at dragon school, everyone’s gotta have a dragon. But Ash Blake don’t got no dragon. Obviously, our bro’s going to get a dragon. You know it, I know it, big-boobed lady guaranteed it with her boobprinting. So before we get to that, let’s introduce a couple more characters.
First up, the pervy best friend who’s always trying to score with chicks.
And the uptight glasses-guy with the shitty Asian haircut.
Nyoron: He’s so nerdy, the glasses are literally windows.
I know! And sweet, he even does that thing where he pushes up his glasses with a single finger. That’s how you know this cliched stereotypical character is legit!
So anyway, Senios is a three-year advanced course, a.k.a. high school. Big shocker there. And every student has a starbrand, which is this tattoo-like thing that designates you as a breeder of dragons or some shit. Guys have the mark on their necks or the backs of their hands. Hot babes, on the other hand, have to sport their starbrands in places like their upper thighs. Noice. Since Ash Blake doesn’t have a dragon of his own yet, he doesn’t have a starbrand, a fact that seems to bother him. Again, we’re going to correct this, but c’mon, don’t you want a history lesson first? ‘Cause y’see, Lautremont Knight Country gained its independence when the Chevron Kingdom…
…gave it the task of dragon rearing and management. But we remain in a cease-fire with the Zephar–…
Ugh, I see someone has no appreciation for world building! Fine, we’ll just get to the good stuff!
The blonde from the OP is actually a hardass, and her name is Silvia. Here, you can see her scolding her classmates just for standing and talking around a doorway. But it’s okay, ’cause she’s a princess. And as we all know, princesses are allowed to be bitches as long as the harem lead gets to tame them.
In any case, there’s going to be a big race in an upcoming school festival. Unfortunately, you sort of need a dragon in order to participate. Oh, what are we to do? Now, you might wonder how a guy without a dragon even managed to get into a school that is, well, all about dragons. And y’know what, that’s a very good question, and I’m going to answer your question…
DRAGONS HEADBUTTING EACH OTHER HELL YEAH!
DRAGONS WITH FRICKIN’ LASER BEAMS ATTACHED TO THEIR HEADS!
(They’re actually ice beams or some shit, because the princess is icy? Get it? Yeah, it’s subtle. I’m only pointing this out because if I don’t, some smartass will jump at the chance to correct me even though this post is obviously a pisstake.)
Unfortunately, our dragon-less hero gets a little too worked up in dragon P.E., and ends up tripping himself and his best bud’s dragon all over Silvia and her dragon. Everyone is now super mad at him. Have you noticed that no one ever refers to him as simply Ash? It’s always Ash Blake. Anyway, although the instructor lets Ash Blake off the hook this one time, Silvia will have none of it!
Y-yeah! They’re dragons! Not horses!
Nyoron: Still look like horses to me.
Silvia begins to taunt Ash Blake. Like maybe he already got his dragon, but it died! Oh snap, that did it! We’re going to have a fight! We’re going to have a… race at the festival…? Lame. And if our hero wins, she’ll take back the insult and apologize. Even lamer. What is wrong with you kids? Don’t you guys know how to have a little fun? Where are the humiliating punishments? The princess then tells the guy with no dragon, “It’s about time someone put you in your place.” Oh, okay.
The day of the race finally arrives, and for now, our hero will continue to rely upon his best friend’s dragon. Of course, pride is obviously at stake here; Ash Blake doesn’t want Silvia to continue insulting his nonexistent dragon. But that’s not all! The winner of this race will also get a day-long date with the student council president! Now, let me give you two reasons why this is a very important prize:
Even the girls are cheering! Them hills are alive! Silvia then walks on stage to parrot her family motto: “One must do one’s utmost, no matter the contest.” Wow, real inspirational there, lady. Her peers don’t respond to it well, either. They start comparing Silvia to her brother, who’s apparently in jail for committing the heinous crime of slaying a dragon. So he’s a… dragon…slayer. At this point, Ash Blake starts to feel sorry for Silvia. Hey, his six-pack abs might be rock-hard, but that doesn’t mean his heart is! But whatever, we’ve got a race to attend to. And… we’re off!
Some people get to run on foot. Others get to fly. This seems terribly fair. But even though Ash Blake’s pride is at stake, a harem lead never stands idly by when a haremette is in trouble! Silvia’s classmates are intentionally riding in a line to block her path. Ash Blake won’t stand for this blatant disregard for sportsmanship so he bodychecks them out of the way!
Three downed girls for a single haremette is a fair trade, I’d say. Silvia barks, “Don’t expect me to thank you,” but her cheeks are blushing, and her skirt is fluttering daintily in the wind. So y’know, the taming is already underway.
We climb mountains!
We ford rivers!
A dude that’s running on foot is somehow keeping up with a flying dragon! But eventually, he relents and lets his best bud’s dragon have a rest. All of a sudden, he hears a strange noise coming from the forest. He decides to take a closer look and comes upon a Zepharos airship… or so the Zechs reject claims.
Yo, I’m getting impatient here. I thought our hero was going to get his dragon. Where’s the damn dragon? But apparently, creepy masked dude over here is cursed with some special ability, and that special ability allows him to see that there’s a dragon within Ash Blake’s left arm, i.e. the left arm that was magically regenerated for him by the horse lady at the start of the episode. Then outta nowhere, a brown girl in lingerie shows up and starts whipping Ash Blake. No, really:
Good thing she’s got that Harry Potter scarf though. Wouldn’t want to give away her identity or anything.
Whoops. But when the opportunity presents itself, our wannabe assassin can’t get the job done. And she begins to slip and fall down a crevasse. Ash Blake thinks to himself, “Shit, I’ve already helped someone who’s insulted me today. Might as well help my would-be killer too.”
Well, ain’t that a kick in the pants
If we’re lucky. But no, his magical arm comes alive! And out of it emerges…
Yeah, my very own dragon anthropomorphized as a naked, pink-haired pettanko!
Thanks, big-boobed lady from my dream!