Just harem lead things.
Kanojo ga Flag o Oraretara Ep. 3
• Well, this is not exactly the most wonderful face to wake up to, now is it?
But I think the art in this show is pretty bad in general anyway.
• Souta had locked his room the night before, but Akane got a key from Kikuno anyway. Sure, that’s not creepy at all. On a related note, if Souta really wants to break Kikuno’s big sister flag that badly, maybe he should stop referring to her as Okiku. But obviously, what aspiring harem lead would want a girl to stop doting upon him like a big sister, right?
• But nevermind all of that for now, because the trap had made himself into Souta’s bed somehow without him noticing. Cool. Now, tell me how many people wouldn’t actually mind snuggling a trap they’ve only known for a day. Go on. Don’t be shy.
• Even better, it was Kikuno who planted him there. And here she is! With her ladle!
• Out of nowhere, a helicopter flies by and drops a container. When the container opens up, it reveals…
…a hot, robot babe. Oh don’t worry, that’s just her disconnected head. It fell off when she tried to bow.
• Ruri, the robot, is apparently here to help Akane out. And despite being a robot, she blushes when the bland harem lead welcomes her. What’s next? You’re going to tell me she has a built-in vagina?
• This anime is so unbearably annoying. It’s bad enough that harem anime characters are generic, but these girls are dumber than bricks. As such, I don’t think there’s much of a point to an extensive breakdown of the show’s harem elements. I’ll just try to stick to the lowlights.
• For example, whenever Ruri asks you a yes or no question, her boobs light up with the letters ‘y’ and ‘n!’ Wow, how very clever.
• Some old man wants the student council president to shut down the new dormitory because he’s jealous of the fact that it’s “co-ed.” So even the adults are idiots in this anime.
• If Souta wants to save his new home, he’ll have to become the MVP of some athletic contest. If he doesn’t, he’ll be expelled. Meanwhile, nobody’s laughing at this shit.
• When Kikuno gets mad at the student council president for starting this mess, the robot reveals to the entire world that Mimori has wet herself. What the hell is with harem anime’s obsession with girls’ urine?
• A new girl then shows up. She introduces herself as Rin, and she’s in an archery get-up. Not only that, she’ll be helping our hero win the MVP award so that he won’t lose his home. Every harem lead’s got an endless stream of girls to carry his dick over the finish line, I guess. Ah, but this girl totally hates guys like Souta, because he has a whole bunch of girls fawning over him. Uh huh, not like this archery babe will ever like him or anything. Souta then spots “a typical misandrous girl flag” on Rin’s head. What does that even mean? Misandrous girl flags are typical now? Are men really being persecuted now?
• Rin: “You’re the only man we’ve got, so I’m working you to the bone!” How risque.
• Ruri takes 25 whole minutes to reboot. Needless to say, she doesn’t have an SSD drive in her.
• And so we get a training montage for the upcoming athletic competition. Montages are exciting.
• A question that has plagued harem anime since the dawn of time:
• But guys, Rin is not a total misandrist! She has one guy she’s head-over-heels for! In fact, he’s a childhood friend named “Souda!”
By the way, I’m so glad that in the following flashback, loli Rin loses her cap at the last minute to reveal her long, girly hair. Otherwise, I would have never known! We wouldn’t want to confuse our audience, now would we?
• Souta then goes, “Wow, what a coincidence. There was a guy who used to call me ‘Souda’ when I was a kid.” Gosh, what are the odds of that?
• So it turns out they’ve been texting each other this entire time. They’ve just never met since that sad day at the train station. As a result, I’m not exactly sure how Rin and Souta had managed to exchange phone numbers. But that’s not even the most confounding part: how on earth did they manage to text each other for this long without ever once mentioning to the other person that they’d be attending so-and-so school? Even better, why have they not even revealed their names to each other? Souta should’ve spotted her right on the spot when she introduced herself to us earlier as Rin. Oh that’s right, everyone’s an idiot in this show.
• After insulting him and his manliness all episode long, Rin now thinks he’s manly because he prevented her from falling down a hill. Yep. So in the end, behind that “typical misandrous flag” is just…
• Souta breaks the flag, however, by merely telling her that they’ll always be friends. Ah, but because the yandere flag breaks so easily, the guy then goes, “When did she turn into such an easy woman?” Oh boy, where’s the typical misogynist flag when you need one!
• Anyway, that’s it. What a killer episode.
Nisekoi Ep. 15
• Mari: “I had sworn to myself that I would not speak that way in front of you. But to think that that’s precisely what got you to remember me…” Man, it’s as if people tend to remember the real you and not the superficial stuff that can change over time, i.e. your looks.
• Every single girl met Raku ten years ago. Every single one of them. The stars aligned and he found himself three sweet childhood friends in a single season.
• Oh, did I miss the new OP last week? Oh well, it’s still trash anyway. There’s just one bizarre thing about it:
Raku’s a spider and the girls are bugs caught in his web? What?
• Blah, blah, blah, Mari was really sick as a child so she had no friends. And you guessed it: Raku was such an awesome kid, he befriended her and she’s never forgotten him since.
• So Mari was so sick, she needed to be at a sanitarium in the mountains, because it had clean air. First question: what was young Raku doing at said sanitarium in the mountains? Do you mean to tell me that some kid just wandered by a sanitarium, saw a bedridden girl, and decided to pay her a visit everyday? Second question: if she was so sick, why was he even allowed in her room? Why was he bringing her random shit from the mountains? The answer to both these questions? This anime is shit.
• Mari’s dad: “Have you taken a fancy to that boy? If so, I’ll have him promise to take your hand in marriage.” ‘Cause that was a well-adjusted thing to say to a little girl who had not even hit puberty yet.
• But despite their young age, Raku already knew back then that he liked “girly girls,” especially “girls with long hair!” Yeah! None of this rah rah girl power shit! I like how he was supposedly such a nice kid, but he outright told a short-haired girl that he preferred long hair. But if you counter this with, “But he was just a kid,” then why the fuck does he even have a “type” already?
• So since then, Mari’s worked hard to become the ideal woman for Raku. I dunno, has she looked into being a wise mother and a good wife? I hear it’s all the rage.
• Right now, we’ve got three “different” girls. Mari is totally into Raku, and she admits it. Kosaki is totally into Raku, but she doesn’t admit it. Last but not least, Chitoge doesn’t know she’s into Raku, and she as hell won’t admit it. Wow, such variety.
• Raku is such a manly man that by giving him a single peck on the cheek, Mari no longer needs her medicine. Right. Well, I’m sure there’s plenty of CCs of Raku should the girl ever feel under the weather.
• Raku finally tells Chitoge and Kosaki that the two of them used to be friends. Chitoge then gets mad at him for not telling her sooner. Yay, random bitchiness for no reason. I love tsunderekkos! They are such complete and well-rounded characters.
• Still, at least everything is out in the open now. All the girls admit to each having a key… though will they do anything with said keys? Hah, please.
• Chitoge: “We all met Darling ten years ago, made some kind of promise and we all have keys… What’s up with that?” I’m telling you, this is just a shit anime. That’s what’s up. Nothing more, nothing less.
• If there’s a silver lining here, it’s that Mari’s at least honest. I like honest people. While everyone’s turning all white and grimacing at the thought of the infamous promise possibly being a promise of marriage, Mari at least embraces it. I mean, let’s not kid ourselves. Both Chitoge and Kosaki want to be the girl of Raku’s dreams. I’m just tired of characters dancing around the issue like a bunch of prats.
• But again, a childhood promise doesn’t really mean dick all in the real world, yet it somehow means so much to these anime characters and the show’s target audience. It’s like we want to live in a simpler world where we can trick a little kid into agreeing to marriage and said kid won’t be able to back out. Ugh, if only my childhood friend didn’t have to grow up and completely change her personality and goals in life as people are naturally wont to do.
• Raku: “Well, then, why are there three keys? You know the reason, right? The truth about this promise… Oh, but you’re not about to clue us in, right? How about just giving us a hint…” What an idiot.
• Shocker: Mari doesn’t know why there are three keys either.
• Three keys, one locket. We all know what to do. It just so happens that Raku’s pendant is still being repaired. Oh dear, oh my.
• Mari then stirs up the drama by bragging about how she and Raku have already shared a kiss. Cue pathetic whimpering from Kosaki and unbridled rage from Chitoge.
• Aw, Kosaki’s such a good friend, putting aside her feelings for Chitoge’s sake and all that. But we can’t have one of the haremettes conceding defeat!
• Raku: “My feelings today and my feelings from long ago… huh?” How is this even a debate? I like steak medium-rare now, but I liked it well-done as a kid. Welp, better eat it well-done. I like girls now, but I thought they had cooties before. Welp, better dump my girlfriend! Look, I’ve not been shy about bashing Kosaki, because she is the most pathetic of the haremettes, but c’mon, this is just stupid. Your feelings from ten years ago — especially the feelings of a young child — means dick all. Even if we were talking about a adults, my tune wouldn’t change. If my friend went up to me and said, “Man, I know I loved her when we got married, but I feel nothing for her now,” I’d still advise him to at least consider a trial separation. ‘Cause you know what? Feelings from a decade ago are not really all that important. It’s not healthy to lie to your current self. That shit only breeds resentment.
• Mari: “…besides, we just might see the good in each other for the first time once we’ve become husband and wife…”
And if you don’t, you’ll still force it anyway because divorce is such a bad thing, right? And if you just tell yourself that you’re happy, everything will be okay, right?
• She then adds, “People have long been getting engaged on the sole say-so of their parents.” I wonder why it’s so appealing to Nisekoi‘s target audience that their parents’ orders are ironclad. Hmmmmm. I mean, why wouldn’t we want to make our own decisions in life? Are we really that inept? Gosh, I really don’t know.
• Raku: “What can I do? The way she steamrolled over me, I can’t not go…” My, my… what a spine this guy’s got. No wonder all the girls love him. “It can’t be helped,” Raku says. Jesus Christ.
• But it doesn’t matter. We know there’s no true love here. We just think we know what love is. We just think that love is a girl single-mindedly pining for us for the past ten years. We just think love means being overly-attached. We just think her utter disregard for our discomfort and feelings just means she knows what she wants and that’s us. That’s cause we don’t actually know what love is. In fact, we might even be scared of what true love entails. We’re scared that a real girl might notice how unhappy we are and thus relent. We’re scared that a real girl might actually allow us to make our own decisions in life. No, no, no, let me have the crazy chick who’ll strong-arm me into marrying her instead. Yep, that’s true love… as I’ve seen it and read it in my fictions.
• Mari’s old man does that thing where dads love to intimidate their daughter’s date. Meh.
• Mari’s dad: “Well, that day, [Raku’s dad] and I acknowledged each other’s power.” What, are you guys in a shounen anime series or something?
• The old man still wants to throw Raku’s dad behind bars, however, so this is nothing but blackmail. Basically, if Raku doesn’t give in to Mari’s demands, who knows what’ll happen to his father! Wow, true love! As a result, Raku chickens out; he won’t be calling off the engagement or anything.
• Mari’s dad: “I’m sure that you’ve cared deeply for Marika all this time yourself…” And I’m sure lying won’t have any repercussions.
• Mari repeatedly throws Raku under the bus each time he tries to lie to her father. God, Raku just reveals himself to be more and more of a loser with each passing second. Why the hell is everyone in love with him again? Oh right, it’s because the girls are just as pathetic: “Despite it all, I”m fine with the situation.”
• When Mari reveals to her dad that she and Raku have shared a kiss, the dad blows up: “Don’t you reckon you should be gettin’ into that stuff after you’ve gotten to know each other some more? Huh?” Alright, now let’s take that argument… and apply it to the engagement. Eh? Ehhhh? But that’s anime for you. A kiss is no way, Jose, but marriage though…
• Her dad then tells Raku all about how she continues to talk about her friendship with Raku from that summer ten years ago. Man, how creepy and socially stunted that must sound. I mean, shit, she has nothing better to talk about than a single fucking summer? Has she not done anything else in her life that’s even worth mentioning? But ah, this is also a series about a guy who’s been holding onto some stupid childhood promise that he made ten years ago, so hey, we’re all a little dysfunctional in the end, aren’t we?
• But whatever, Raku confesses that he’s in love with someone else so he can’t honor the engagement. He then gets himself in trouble when the father asks if the girl he’s in love with is naturally his girlfriend.
• Mari: “There is nothing that you can acquire without making a move on your own.” Girl, don’t be telling him that! Our bland harem lead might just follow your advice!
• Mari then asks him again what sort of girl he prefers. It would be nutty if he suddenly confessed to her that he loves Kosaki. Then out of nowhere, we get some sort of psychological thriller where Mari seemingly goes missing, and Kosaki suddenly slips into a crude dialect every so often… By the way, I recommend the Korean movie Shi gan.
• But nah, Raku just tells her she’s cute as she is now. Doki doki.
• Raku: “The fact that you… That you’ve put in all this effort for me, it makes me happy, and I think you’re totally awesome.” That’s right! Go ahead, girls! Pine obsessively over a guy for ten whole years! That’s how you win them over!
• Ah, Mari was so strong, confident, and forward before, but it only takes a couple weak-ass compliments from the harem lead to make her retreat like every other blubbering haremette.
Seikoku no Dragonar Ep. 3
• Right off the bat, Rebecca has herself draped all over Ash Blake, but there’s no way our dragon herder will allow some woman to get the best of him, right?!
Right. Well, I’d be intimidated too if my girlfriend’s breasts were as big as my head.
• False alarm, Ash Blake’s penis. You may stand down. Rebecca only wants to recruit our harem lead. More specifically, she wants him to join the student council.
• I’ve told you before all about how girls typically have their starbrands in sexy places like their inner thighs, right? Well, can you guess where Silvia’s starbrand is located? That’s right! It’s right above her breasts!
• All of a sudden, she thinks back to her childhood friend. C’mon, it’s Ash Blake. The childhood friend is always the harem lead. And of course, this doesn’t mean that she’ll recognize Ash Blake for who he really is. They never recognize their own friends. Never. That requires too much cognitive thinking skills. Just see Nisekoi for reference.
• A dragon is on the loose! Won’t a manly dragon whisperer show up and calm it down? We wouldn’t want to turn it into glue, after all.
• But first, infodumping from Rebecca — complete with bouncing breast physics when she stands up, of course.
• An alarm sounds, and when our hero looks out the window, he sees Sylvia attempting to calm the wild, buckling dragon down by riding its neck. No, really, you have to watch this scene to see how funny it looks in animation.
• Ash Blake doesn’t understand why the princess would do something so reckless. Well, duh, she’s totally jelly of you and your magical dragon whispering skills.
• Not to be outdone, Rebecca somehow undergoes a mahou shoujo treatment, which sticks her into a skintight outfit. But we don’t get to see how this oh-so-tense scene resolves itself. Instead, the anime immediately cuts to Eco eating another fucking crepe. All we get is Ash Blake thinking to himself, “Everything worked out in the end, thanks to Rebecca.”
• Some backstory about a paladin form five hundred years ago. I don’t care.
• Apparently, a dragon can create an Arch armor for its master, whatever the fuck that is, but doing so would be so hazukashii, ne~… When Ash Blake brings it up, Eco begins to blush profusely. When a girl blushes, it means she’s going to beat you up and that’s perfectly okay.
• Nearby, a poorly-disguised Anya — y’know, the dark-skinned assassin from the first episode — is stalking Ash Blake. Even though she tried to have him killed, she now has an interest in him for whatever stupid reason–… check that. It’s a harem anime; she needs no reason to fall in love with the harem lead. But yeah, Anya just can’t help but think of the guy, uh, clutching his foot in pain. In fact, the image of him clutching his foot in pain is so captivating, it distracts her from her duties, much to her master’s chagrin. Oh well, the Zechs reject can get over it.
• Rebecca is still trying to recruit Ash Blake. She takes him to an inn where they serve burgers and finger sandwiches. Very fancy.
• Our heroes can’t eat for long, however, as the Zechs reject suddenly summons an ugly-ass dragon. It’s not just any ol’ dragon though. It’s a dragon with rotten flesh! Oh my, it even has a penis!
• Eco runs to tell the dragon off, because, uh, this town has fantastic boutiques, and as such, it’d be a shame to smash them to pieces. In response, the dragon shoots tentacles at our heroine… sigh. I guess this is just par for the course.
• Naturally, the tentacles must slowly rip Eco’s clothes apart. The camera must then get us a close-up of Eco’s crotch. How else would we appreciate all the care and attention to detail that the animators have put into animating the girl’s mound of Venus? Ooh, but don’t look too hard! A tentacle then curls itself up against her crotch, shielding it from our perverted eyes! At the same time, the zombie dragon is firing lasers at the city with its mouth. Just because your flesh is rotting doesn’t mean you can’t rape and chew gum at the same time!
• There’s only one thing that can save Eco and her mound of Venus, and that is a mighty spear.
Pfft, not that spear. You think a Gae Bulg can subdue this mighty beast? Please. Naturally, the zombie dragon’s head grows right back after being penetrated by Rebecca’s spear. No, no, no, if you want to save the day, you need a manlier Bulg! C’mon, Ash Blake! It’s your time to shine! Show us your Bulg!
• But unfortunately, Ash Blake is tasked with babysitting the princess, who is currently frozen in place by fright. He tries telling her off, but that still doesn’t work. So he slaps her hard across the face.
Uguu, how can I ever thank you for hitting me, my harem lead…?
• Oh that’s easy. Our hime-sama will just have to let Ash Blake ride her dragon, if you know what I mean.
• Before you know it, the zombie dragon is swallowing Eco right up:
Y’know what, that doesn’t look like a fucking mouth to me.
• Inside the zombie dragon, the tentacles have already reduced Eco to naught but her panties. They then begins to pulsate with the girl in their grip. Yeah, I’m watching a hentai, aren’t I?
When the girl looks down, even more tentacles prepare to launch themselves at her soon-to-be revealed crotch. Ahhhhhhhh…
• But somehow, a naked Eco is suddenly transported to “the Highdragon Workshop” where a lady named Navi is awaiting her. Y’know, it’s the boob-imprinting lady from the start of the very first episode. Navi then reveals to the girl that Ash Blake is still battling the zombie dragon on the outside, but unless Eco does something to help her master, our bland harem lead will die. Oh no.
• That’s right! Our hero needs his Arch! A bunch of Arch designs then fly themselves right at Eco’s head. Say, is this whole scene happening within the girl’s head or what? Are you trying to tell me that she’s talking to this Navi person and designing Ash Blake’s arch while she’s being tentacle-raped in the real world?
• Right, right, Navi has Ash Blake’s exact measurements thanks to that boob-imprinting scene. And even though Eco’s currently being sexually assaulted right now, she demands that Navi stop messing around with her “dog.”
• Sure enough, our bland harem lead gets his manly Arch:
• Eco then says, “I-I didn’t make this just for you, okay?” Yeah, yeah, take a drink whenever a tsunderekko lies to herself. Whoops, I have alcohol poisoning.
• So Ash Blake hops onto the zombie dragon and attempts to ride it once more. There’s no dragon he won’t ride, you hear?!
• All of a sudden, Ash Blake is flooded with the dragon’s memories from before it became a zombie. Y’see, you need to understand the dragon. You need to become the dragon. By having a tool ride its head. Then once the dragon has revealed its soul to you, you will finally be able to defeat it. But you’ll need a real weapon, and not that pathetic Gae Bulg. Puh-leeze. Let me show you a real weapon:
• Then with a single blow, Ash Blake’s golden light rips the zombie dragon apart, thereby revealing his naked, nipple-less loli. Naturally, being nipple-less doesn’t mean you shouldn’t yourself cover up anyways:
• Afterwards, Ash Blake and Silvia officially join the student council. Still, it’s only the third episode and Seikoku no Dragonar is already skirting the thin line between ecchi and hentai.
I can’t imagine what future episodes will have in store for us.