M’lady, please… people are looking… /blush
Kanojo ga Flag o Oraretara Ep. 4
• Like before, this show’s plot is pretty much nonsensical so I’ll just hit the highlights.
• The athletic carnival is a week long, and has both morning and midnight events.
• The anime’s trying to be funny, so the characters have to compete in contests where they gather cats, or put on a princess dress and race to the finish line. Yeah, it’s pretty lame.
• And every week, we get tons of “Everyone thinks Meg’s a girl!” jokes, ’cause if it ain’t funny the first time…
• The tonal shift is just bizarre. Yes, the girls are all unrepentantly stupid — except for Nanami — so you’re like, “Oh, this is more of a joke anime then a harem anime.” But then amidst all the craziness, a super serious Souta stands up from the table and walks away from his friends. Ugh, he just can’t allow himself to get too comfortable with his new friends, y’know? After all, he still has that death flag on his head. Don’t you remember? He has to discover the truth behind this world! What exactly does this show want to be? Why are practically all the girls dumb as hell? What are we trying to say that the bland harem lead has real issues to worry about while his female friends run around screaming like idiots?
• Of all the people to confide in, Souta decides to tell a robot that he’ll die soon.
• Yes, he fears death… but he fears making his friends sad even more!
• All of a sudden, Souta suddenly realizes that the letter is referring to the girls at his dorm. I get how Nanami is the Princess Knight, but uh… how is Akane a magician? And somehow, Ruri is a ninja.
• It gets even crazier. Ruri suddenly accesses some “memory bank,” which gives our hero a vision of some previous life where he and four girls had embarked on some sort of mystical quest. That’s right, those four girls were a motley crew consisting of a knight, a magician, a ninja, and a cleric. Back then, the five of them found a door beneath Quest Hall — who knew it existed back then? — and what lied beyond the door is someone who can topple Souta’s death flag. In any case, we’re missing a cleric. As you can see, we have a super serious story beneath all the braindead nonsense with the athletic carnival. Trust me, the carnival is really stupid:
• Still, Souta knows now what he must do. Since he doesn’t want to just give in and die, and thereby making all of the girl sad, he must now find this cleric! After all, he needs to get the entire gang together if they’re going to on this mystical quest! Quest? Quest Hall?! Wow! It’s all coming together!
• Souta then tells the robot he needs her, so as a result, even robots can sprout flags. Right.
• With a renewed sense of purpose, Souta raises all of his friends’ victory flags the very next day, but nevertheless feels guilty about it. Right, encouraging people to win is oh-so-manipulative. But ah, he can’t raise a flag on Nanami’s head because she’s speshul~! What is he to do then? T-treat her normally? Pfft?
• Souta and Nanami have to do the last leg of the relay together, but just as they’re about to win, they accidentally knock a table onto Nanami’s leg. As a result, she’s too hobbled to finish the last lap. She even starts to cry: “If only I had a victory flag…” WHY? WHY CAN’T I BE A PART OF YOUR HAREM?!
DON’T WORRY LITTLE GIRL. YOU TOO CAN JOIN MY HAREM!
EVEN IF I HAVE TO DRAG YOU KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO IT!
• They still lost. But it’s okay, because Souta’s actions brought tears to the members of the school board, so they’ll let Quest Hall stay. Big surprise there.
• Elsewhere, a masked shoujo has been observing our hero? Of course. Anyway, the episode’s over, and I can be thankful for that.
Nisekoi Ep. 16
• Have you ever wondered how silly the girls’ uniforms look?
What’s with that tie? In any case, Raku is headed to Kosaki’s house because he’s going to help her family with some part-time job, but… OMG I’M GOING TO A GIRL’S HOUSE THIS IS SO CRAZY.
• It turns out the girl’s family is in need of a cook, so the girl thought that a classmate who enjoys cooking would somehow be up to the task. Yeah. Oh well, Raku is over the moon anyway. After all, he never thought he’d be able to see Kosaki over the summer vacation! I mean, it’s not like friends can just pick up the phone and invite each other out for some ice cream or anything! Hazukashii, motherfuckers — do you speak it?
• When Raku gets to the Onodera store, which sells sweets by the way, Raku runs into an angry shopkeeper.
Maybe he wants to buy stuff? Just a crazy thought.
• Oh, it’s Kosaki’s mom.
• Actually, she looks mentally-impaired with that dumb look on her face:
• Kosaki’s mom quickly puts Raku to a test. He’ll have to whip something up from scratch in order to impress her. Oh, I’m sure our bland harem lead can do it. Bland as he may be, he’s still a Gary Stu at heart. After all, he worships at the feet of the greatest Gary Stu of them all, Kirito-sama. Chinese Crusher Tatsuya hopes to challenge Kirito-sama for the throne, but with the sequel to SAO coming this summer, Kirito-sama will definitely have the last laugh. But I digress…
• Wow, Raku wiped a bowl dry. That totally means he isn’t a “newbie when it comes to cooking.” I totally know that feel. Earlier today, I sharpened my pencil before crunching some differential equations. I’m a legit astrophysicist now.
• I have no idea what those turds you see above are supposed to be, but apparently they’re delicious. So damn delicious that Kosaki’s mom already wants him to marry into the family! Parents in this fucking anime, man.
Kosaki’s mom: “…you brought home a surprisingly worth man, didn’t you?”
‘Cause he made two grey lumps of turd, it totally means he’s marriage material. Wow, I wonder why reports of domestic violence are going up in Japan!
• Afterwards, Kosaki teaches Raku how to make some sweet red bean paste. The guy is amazed, however, that she can remember “every little step.” Wow, it’s like… you actually have a brain or something. But like a lot of haremettes lately, Kosaki is actually a terrible cook. Yes, she remembers “every little step.” She just can’t actually do any of those steps. How is that even possible? Seriously, how? Like I’ve said, she’s mentally impaired:
• But it’s okay! She’s good at adding finishing touches to the sweets, i.e. the most superficial and shallow part of the process! It’s even her “area of expertise!”
• I’d like to know why the subs keep referring to the sweets as “Japanese sweets.” What else would they be?
• Kosaki’s like, “You perfect the taste, Ichijo, and I’ll perfect the shape… I think we’re going to turn out some great Japanese sweets.” Ichijo proceeds to mentally flip out: “Was that a proposal? Y-You want me to marry into this family?” No, she said you guys would make some fucking great sweets. Perhaps you’re mentally impaired too.
• Some old man enters the shop to buy some sweets. He jokingly suggests that he and Kosaki should go on a date sometime. He didn’t even say it in a lecherous way, though I’m sure a small minority out there would consider his words an act of microaggression. But I digress. We’re not here to talk about those folks. We’re here to talk about Raku, this show’s prime marriage material! Raku proceeds to violently grab the old man by a shoulder in order to give the old man his change.
Wow, I wonder why reports of domestic violence are going up in Japan!
• Kosaki finally reveals to the bland harem lead that she knows he and Chitoge aren’t actually dating. Not that this actually matters. The two of them proceed to just stand there and talk about the weather. Y’know, stuff that coworkers might actually talk about. After all, according to Raku, the timing isn’t right for a confession of love. But honestly, the timing is never going to be right. Not until a new harem series pops up and replaces Nisekoi.
• Actually, I think it would be hilarious if the series went on forever, and the characters are still hemming and hawing over their feelings at some retirement home. “Ehhhhh? What’s thhhhhhat? Onodera asked me to fetch her pills for her? D-does that mean she likes m–…” /snore
• All of a sudden, a typhoon strikes. All of a sudden, two young teenagers are trapped in a house overnight with no adult supervision. Here’s Raku’s measured response:
• Raku learns that Kosaki has a sister. A sister, you say. So, you have a younger sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from Raku. Now his failure is complete. If you will not be brave enough to confess your true feelings of rabu to the harem lead… then perhaps she will…
• Who the fuck cares?
• Raku does. Raku really does. He cares so much that he asks for an umbrella so that he can brave the storm instead of spending the night with a classmate that he supposedly has a crush on.
• On the other end of the equation, Kosaki feels, “What am I gonna do? I can’t wipe this smirk off my face.” But what is there to smirk about? This is Nisekoi after all. It’s not like either of these characters are going to do shit. They’ll just sit around and blush at each other until they both fall asleep. Yeah, real smirk-worthy.
• Kosaki invites Raku up to her room, but that doesn’t mean anything in a harem anime. Oh sure, in real life, if a girl did that, you’d probably at least get to make out with her. But in a harem anime, they’ll just do something mundane like talk about the past. I guarantee it.
• In fact, the girl spends more time preparing both herself and her room than actually hanging out with the guy she supposedly likes so much. She then puts on a dress with ugly-ass shoulders:
I mean, what is this? Little House on the Prairie?
• Kosaki also has this killer pic of our bland harem lead on her desk:
It thus puzzles me how her mom had failed to recognize Raku at the start of the epiosde. Asian moms are expert snoopers, my friends. The concept of privacy is more akin to a unicorn in an Asian household. As such, Kosaki’s mom would’ve seen that picture a long time ago and proceeded to mock her daughter for even entertaining the thought of dating in high school.
…maybe it’d be easier if you’d collect 70 stars first.
• Raku thinks, “I mean, heck, this is where she just changed her clothes.” Uh, so what? This is the same kind of logic you’d get from a panty thief. Just sayin’: “I mean, heck, this is what her vagina just touched!”
• Raku is about to peek at the overturned photo on Kosaki’s desk, but she comes back in time with some tea. You didn’t think he’d discover her true feelings for him, did you?
• As they sit there in a modern girl’s room, Nisekoi‘s blandest coupling possible wonders what they could do to pass the time. There’s no TV, no computer, no video games, not even a fucking cell phone to chat with friends. Wait, are you sure this is a modern girl’s room?
• Two high school kids spending the night together with no adult supervision… “Want to play a word-chain game?!” Well, what can you honestly expect from Kosaki?
• Raku counters with a killer idea of his own: let’s look at yearbooks! Wow, maybe these characters are in a retirement home already!
Raku: “Just six months ago, we were junior high students. I wonder what you call this kind of feeling…”
I call it the “this is written by someone who has no clue how teenagers act” feeling.
• Raku thinks, “I gotta give myself props. No matter how tiny she is, I can always spot Onodera.” What?
• Kosaki then tells Raku that at least one girl in junior high had (more like “still has”) a crush on him, but she can never tell him who it is. Oh ho ho ho.
• “If only this moment could go on forever and ever,” Raku whines. Yes, who wouldn’t want to sit around and reminisce about the past all the time. Who wants to live in the present anyway! Why can’t I just be a kid forever!
• And just like that, the typhoon has left Japan. Oh man, I guess Raku’ll just have to head on home, won’t he? Aw, what a pity. Raku’s consolation prize: Kosaki’s precious email address. And it only took him two years to get it too. I’m out. Screw this.
Seikoku no Dragonar Ep. 4
• The episode kicks off with a flashback scene. Woo boy, can’t wait to see shota Ash Blake ham it up. But yeah, he and Silvia had met before as younger children. Somehow, they just plum forgot to exchange contact info with each other. Basically, it’s like with Souta and Rin in Kanojo ga Flag o Oraretara. These kids, man… they’ll fondly remember an event from their past, but they never even bothered to learn the other person’s name.
• Basically, loli Silvia had hurt her leg, so she can’t make it to the Mother Dragon in order to receive her parr. But like every bland harem lead ever, Ash Blake offered to carry the girl all the way there. Yeah, even as a shota, he already knew what to do. You can’t just become a bland harem lead. You have to be born one. It has to be deeply engrained into your psyche.
• Back in the present day, Silvia “[wonders] what that boy’s up to now.” Maybe you should’ve asked for his name when he was busy carrying you.
• Speaking of Ash Blake, our hero stumbles out of a closet for some reason. Heh. Oh, I’m sure he’s just been sleeping in there since Eco has claimed his bed. But yeah, in his accident, he comes across that same stuffed dragon you just saw in Silvia’s flashback. Oddly enough, Ash Blake has no clue why he even has this stuffed dragon:
Alright, so you’re telling me that Silvia had bothered to give him a stuffed dragon, but not her name? And you’re telling me that Ash Blake inadvertently brought this stuffed dragon with him to this academy without realizing he had done so? Seriously, is that what you’re telling me? Of course. It’s a fucking harem, after all.
• At an assembly to introduce the newest student council members, we learn that Silvia will serve as the public morals officer. As if she hasn’t already tried to be one. As for Ash Blake, he lives up to his bland harem lead role by being in charge of “general affairs.” You can’t get any vaguer than that. In his speech to the school, he proudly announces, “To be honest, I’m still not sure what I can bring to the table…” Me neither, buddy. Me neither.
• Last and definitely least, for some reason, Ash Blake’s own parr is also a member of the student council. What could she possibly serve as? Lolibait for dragon rape fantasies?
It turns out she will serve as the school’s mascot. Nope, it’s true.
• Apparently, Ash Blake now has a fan club. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Well, it’s a fan club for the person responsible for slaying the zombie dragon in last week’s episode. The club’s founding members just don’t realize that the Silver Knight and Ash Blake are the same person.
• Elsewhere, a bunch of hooded men get beaten to a pulp by a female character with the biggest rack yet in this anime:
It’s just the way things are: the older you are, the bigger your boobs get. I mean, how else are you going to distinguish these female characters by their age? By giving them wrinkles? Pfft. Poor Granny though…
• Seeing as how she’s a blonde and kinda looks like Silvia anyway, I’m going to guess that this lady and our bitchy princess are related.
• Back at school…
• The president of Ash Blake’s fan club then interrupts his class in order to announce her wish to…
That’s just par for the course, really.
• Sigh, I’m sure you know how this will unfold. Since the fan club don’t actually know who the Silver Knight is, they’ll somehow end up treating Ash Blake poorly. Then when the Silver Knight’s true identity is revealed, the girls will cry at the bland harem lead’s feet. Ho hum.
• We’re twelve minutes into this episode, and nothing has really happened yet.
• It turns out the president of the fan club isn’t really nobility, so in order to make her go away, all you have to do is threaten to reveal her secret. Heh, gotta put that uppity commoner in her place, right?
• Speaking of nobility, Ash Blake has magically become a noble! ‘Cause y’know, having an Arch is some fancy ass shit, yo. But think about the implications! Ash Blake’s fan club aren’t actually enamored with the Silver Knight for his heroic deeds! They’re just a bunch of gold diggers who want to be set for life by marrying into nobility! Oh harem anime, what biotruths about the opposite sex won’t you bravely reveal to the world?
• Actually, let’s discuss the president’s gold digging tendencies some more!
Rebecca: “Jessica will set her sights on your essence for sure.”
Eco: “What’s that? Is it yummy?”
Haw haw, cum jokes.
• But y’see, the jokes are apparently too subtle, and Seikoku no Dragonar wouldn’t want them to fly over your head. As a result, Eco demands to know what an essence is. If Ash Blake wasn’t going to tell her, she’ll just look it up in her Draguarth, which is basically a Wikipedia for dragons. And what should she find?
Hurr hurr hurr, it’s cum, guyz.
• Rebecca keeps things professional, however, when she says, “In any case, Ash, you must take care to keep your identity under wraps.” Yeah, man. Better watch out for those sperm-thieving gold diggers! Ugh, some women just give the rest of us such a bad name!
• Ah, the big-breasted blonde from earlier — well, the bigger-breasted blonde in case my description isn’t quite clear enough — will be paying Ansullivan a visit. Not only that, she is Silvia’s sister, and her name is Veronica. For some reason, Silvia is very scared of her big sister. So scared that the girl buries her head in her hands and cowers in broad daylight.
• Well, that’s a little more dramatic than necessary:
• Ironically, Silvia complains that her sister is too much of a tyrant. Hah.
• Elsewhere, Anya continues to obsess over Ash Blake. But hey, can you blame her? She even overhears girls out on the town talking about the Silver Knight! Unlike other harem leads, Ash Blake’s girls aren’t just limited to a handful of his classmates. Nope, the entire female population of Ansullivan is his harem.
• Silvia continues to be down in the dumps. When Ash Blake wonders why, Cosette teases the answer, but first, she needs to know if he’s concerned for Silvia’s sake as a classmate… OR AS A MAN?!
Definitely not as a man.
• Apparently, Veronica had forced Silvia to undergo “drills.”
• Ash Blake offers Silvia his help, but she tells him off. But do you really think she doesn’t need his help? Oh, just wait…
• Now, what do you suppose is going through Silvia’s mind right now? She’s about to see her abusive sister, after all. What safe place do you think Silvia is retreating to? If you said, “She’ll think back to her shota savior,” then ding ding ding!
Silvia: “I made that boy a promise. That I’d be a fine, upstanding knight…”
So yes, she does need the bland harem lead. Like every tsunderekko ever, however, she just doesn’t realize it yet.
• The next day…
Ash Blake: “Behave yourself aorund Princess Veronica, Eco.”
Eco: “And YOU behave yourself around ME!”
Ash Blake: “I don’t want a big scene, all right? Just be a good girl and I’ll buy you a crepe.”
Eco: “You will?! Then I suppose I’ll do what you say!”
• The show then makes a big deal out of Veronica’s arrival. The characters even talk about how her monstrosity of an airship can actually take flight. Something about a special version of fafnite. I don’t really care.
• And just like that, the episode ends. Well, that was dumb.