Let’s kick things off by taking a look at last week’s poll results:
Apparently, people think being stupid is worse than boring. I disagree, but it is what it is. Perhaps the next time Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? is painfully boring, I need to do a better job conveying to you guys just how boring it is. With that out of the way, let’s get started on the latest pair of episodes.
Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? Ep. 3
00:00 — Right off the bat, Harumi thinks she’s getting a love confession from the harem lead, but instead, he just really wants her to be his partner in the Interclub Obstacle Course Marathon. Oooooh, that good ol’ switcheroo! You got us, anime! We totally thought he would confess his feelings to someone in the third episode of the season.
3:14 — A bunch of girls force Yurika to cosplay. She looks perturbed. She whines. What else is new?
4:19 — Kiriha’s amazingly well-rendered breasts fill our screen:
She’s managed to convince the people in this universe that she belongs on the track team. Meanwhile, the audience is still comatose.
4:55 — Theiamillis has managed to find herself some loyal followers. They begin to chant “Hail to the princess!” in unison. LOL, so randomz! Elsewhere, scientists have stumbled upon a strange phenomenon known as a humor black hole. A peculiar anime episode seems to be draining this world completely dry of laughter…
6:00 — Kiriha’s battle drones are caught spying on Theiamillis. The alien sics her intergalactic spaceship on the battle drones. The most inconsequential battle ever is then caught on tape.
6:55 — Theiamillis learns of Harumi’s existence. The tsuntsun alien is now jealous.
9:00 — After much fanfare, the race finally begins.
10:18 — Our harem lead runs into his first “obstacle:”
No doubt viewers are just busting their guts at the irony of math being included in a marathon. Harem fans, can you help the hero answer this difficult question?
11:03 — The fourth obstacle is a red bean paste bun speeding eating contest. That’s a lot of carbs and fiber to consume in the middle of a race. Obviously, the anime isn’t content to have its characters merely shit themselves figuratively.
12:17 — Harumi shows Yurika some compassion. The scene lasts entirely way too long. Millions across the world have now flat-lined.
15:10 — Theiamillis has her servant litter the 8th obstacle with landmines. Her plan backfires when people push her and her servant out of the way.
Despite this, no comedy gold can be seen for miles.
16:17 — Harumi and her weak constitution finally bite the dust. Yurika turns into a mahou shoujo to help her new friend out. Yet another scene that involves Yurika takes too long to resolve itself.
18:34 — Koutarou passes out just one obstacle course away from the finish line. Oh, the irony…
18:54 — The final obstacle course requires Kiriha and Theiamillis to swap bras. Boob jokes. Real funny. Top notch anime. In the end, the two girls punch each other out.
20:00 — Yurika just needs a friend to finish the race. Since she helped Harumi out, Harumi helps her win. As a result, it’s a tie between Yurika and Harumi, the two girls everyone had counted out. All hail Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?, the master of irony.
22:00 — The credits finally roll. You guys can stop playing dead now. The horror show is over.
Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance Ep. 3
— As you’ll recall, a demon spirit has decided to crash the party and interrupt the exciting duel between Kamito and his haremettes. So instead of fighting each other, everyone’s now busy trying to play the hero. I’ll provide the cover for you guys! No, I will. No, me!
— In the end, Claire is still stupidly desperate to contract a powerful spirit. As a result, she thinks she can tame the demon spirit. Luckily for her, this isn’t a hentai.
— Did the girl shrink or was she always this short? Ah well, it doesn’t matter.
— The anime thrills us with still images slathered in action lines. We’re halfway through 2014, and we still can’t even be assed to animate a simple action scene between a heroine and a demon spirit.
— No, really, this animation is truly top-notch:
“Are you daft?” Yes, I even look it, too.
— Why is Kamito even putting himself in danger for Claire’s sake? “I’m her contracted spirit.” God dammit, Zero no Tsukaima, I thought I told you to scram!
— “I have to save that fire-cat tomboy.” Tomboy? What is remotely tomboy-ish about Claire? Because she isn’t automatically a submissive girl from the very start?
— “She’s your average spoiled girl.” Geez, dude, why don’t you tell us some more about how awesome she is.
— Naturally, now that one of his haremettes is in grave danger, Kamito finally manages to summon his sword at full length…
“Remember. Remember that feeling. I’m… I’m the most powerful blade dancer, Ren Ashbell!”
So he’s the Ren Ashbell, the previous Blade Dance winner whose performance had inspired many of his current harmettes, including Claire herself? What? Did he cross-dress back then in order to win the tournament or something?
— In any case, the harem lead cleaves the demon spirit in one move. All’s well that ends well, I guess. Wait, what about the fire-cat?
— For some reason, it conveniently starts raining in the spirit realm.
— Afterwards, Kamito passes out from exhaustion. He then dreams of the dark times in his youth — y’know, when he was being raised to be a killer. This was also the same time he met his previous contracted spirit:
Ooooh, how dark and scary. Anyway, that’s Restia, the girl he’s been looking for this entire time. He just doesn’t realize she’s been observing him this entire time. For some reason, she’s interested in his “awakening.” From what? Who knows. I’m sure the anime will fill us in later when we no longer care.
— Y’know, this story’s getting too serious for my blood. Where’s all the fun and light-hearted harem hijinks?!
Oooh, what’s this?
Why, it’s just a naked loli, of course!
— Basically, the harem lead’s “sword” is a pettanko. What do you even say to that?
— “Why are you in my bed?” “That is because I am yours, goshujin-sama.” Abandon all hope, anime fans.
— The kicker, however, is that despite Est being a sword-turned-loli, she’s not completely naked. Nope, nope, she still has kneesocks on for that extra moe factor.
— Well, you know a harem anime can never waste a good naked loli gag. As a result, Est continues to hide under the covers as Rinslet pays the harem lead a visit. Ooh, how scandalous! Talking to one of his haremettes as another haremette is trying to bury her head in his crotch.
— You see, this is a very complex joke. Kamito’s demon sword has turned into a hot, sexy loli. The hot, sexy loli, however, is now being mistaken for Kamito’s boner, i.e. his “sword.” We’ve thus come full circle. When everyone eventually discovers Est under the sheets, however, they’ll assume that she’s polishing Kamito’s “sword.”
You can thus say that a sword has engaged another ‘sword” in an epic swordfight! Wow! This joke works on multiple levels! That’s just the sort of genius you can expect from Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance.
— Elsewhere, a depressed Claire is determined to get herself another contracted spirit, even if it means throwing herself recklessly into dangerous situations. I can’t imagine the fire-cat is actually dead for good, though. In a fairer world, Scarlet would revive itself as a catboy devoted to Claire’s every need, but this is a harem anime. As a result, Scarlet will probably come back as a catgirl or some shit.
— It turns out Est has the ability to form clothes when she takes a humanoid form. She just wanted to be naked for the harem lead: “I thought you’d be happier seeing me that way.”
— I like how the demon sword can not only fall in love, it’s a girl, it’s hetero, and it likes the harem lead right from the get-go. Est even turned down 30 elementalers before allowing Kamito to claim her for himself. Why? Justlolithings... Back in my day, you had to put in the hard work just to win a single girl over. Nowadays, harem endings are handed to kids on a silver platter! Young people nowadays just don’t know what it was like to walk 15 miles uphill both ways just to trigger an event flag!
— I also like how even though the demon sword appears as a flat-chested loli, it’s really a 1,000-year-old spirit. It has an old soul, you guys.
— Well, you know the drill… tsunderekkos just gotta tsuntsun:
After he explains himself, she immediately goes deredere:
Oh Fahrenfart, just give it up. You’re not even close to winning this competition.
— Hearing what Claire intends to do, Kamito runs off to rescue her once again. It appears, however, that he’s too late:
Some hooded figure — probably Restia — approaches the foolish girl. I like how anime characters will just believe any goddamn thing a complete stranger tells them. Oh, you say that if I accept this this foreboding ball of dark energy, it will unlock my true potential? Well, don’t mind if I do! In any case, that about wraps it up for us.
After two weeks, Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance has secured itself a 2-0 record. Can Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? mount a comeback? Or will Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance dance its way to victory? Stay tuned as I try to apply generic sports cliches to this silly competition for the Crown of Shit Harem. Oh yeah, vote away, please: