Summer 2014 Harem Hill, Week 3: I can’t believe my sword is a loli!

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Let’s kick things off by taking a look at last week’s poll results:

week 2 results

Apparently, people think being stupid is worse than boring. I disagree, but it is what it is. Perhaps the next time Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? is painfully boring, I need to do a better job conveying to you guys just how boring it is. With that out of the way, let’s get started on the latest pair of episodes.

Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? Ep. 3

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00:00 — Right off the bat, Harumi thinks she’s getting a love confession from the harem lead, but instead, he just really wants her to be his partner in the Interclub Obstacle Course Marathon. Oooooh, that good ol’ switcheroo! You got us, anime! We totally thought he would confess his feelings to someone in the third episode of the season.

3:14 — A bunch of girls force Yurika to cosplay. She looks perturbed. She whines. What else is new?

4:19 — Kiriha’s amazingly well-rendered breasts fill our screen:

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She’s managed to convince the people in this universe that she belongs on the track team. Meanwhile, the audience is still comatose.

4:55 — Theiamillis has managed to find herself some loyal followers. They begin to chant “Hail to the princess!” in unison. LOL, so randomz! Elsewhere, scientists have stumbled upon a strange phenomenon known as a humor black hole. A peculiar anime episode seems to be draining this world completely dry of laughter…

6:00 — Kiriha’s battle drones are caught spying on Theiamillis. The alien sics her intergalactic spaceship on the battle drones. The most inconsequential battle ever is then caught on tape.

6:55 — Theiamillis learns of Harumi’s existence. The tsuntsun alien is now jealous.

9:00 — After much fanfare, the race finally begins.

10:18 — Our harem lead runs into his first “obstacle:”


No doubt viewers are just busting their guts at the irony of math being included in a marathon. Harem fans, can you help the hero answer this difficult question?

11:03 — The fourth obstacle is a red bean paste bun speeding eating contest. That’s a lot of carbs and fiber to consume in the middle of a race. Obviously, the anime isn’t content to have its characters merely shit themselves figuratively.

12:17 — Harumi shows Yurika some compassion. The scene lasts entirely way too long. Millions across the world have now flat-lined.

15:10 — Theiamillis has her servant litter the 8th obstacle with landmines. Her plan backfires when people push her and her servant out of the way.

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Despite this, no comedy gold can be seen for miles.

16:17 — Harumi and her weak constitution finally bite the dust. Yurika turns into a mahou shoujo to help her new friend out. Yet another scene that involves Yurika takes too long to resolve itself.

18:34 — Koutarou passes out just one obstacle course away from the finish line. Oh, the irony…

18:54 — The final obstacle course requires Kiriha and Theiamillis to swap bras. Boob jokes. Real funny. Top notch anime. In the end, the two girls punch each other out.

20:00 — Yurika just needs a friend to finish the race. Since she helped Harumi out, Harumi helps her win. As a result, it’s a tie between Yurika and Harumi, the two girls everyone had counted out. All hail Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?, the master of irony.

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22:00 — The credits finally roll. You guys can stop playing dead now. The horror show is over.

Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance Ep. 3

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— As you’ll recall, a demon spirit has decided to crash the party and interrupt the exciting duel between Kamito and his haremettes. So instead of fighting each other, everyone’s now busy trying to play the hero. I’ll provide the cover for you guys! No, I will. No, me!

— In the end, Claire is still stupidly desperate to contract a powerful spirit. As a result, she thinks she can tame the demon spirit. Luckily for her, this isn’t a hentai.

— Did the girl shrink or was she always this short? Ah well, it doesn’t matter.

— The anime thrills us with still images slathered in action lines. We’re halfway through 2014, and we still can’t even be assed to animate a simple action scene between a heroine and a demon spirit.

— No, really, this animation is truly top-notch:

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“Are you daft?” Yes, I even look it, too.

— Why is Kamito even putting himself in danger for Claire’s sake? “I’m her contracted spirit.” God dammit, Zero no Tsukaima, I thought I told you to scram!

— “I have to save that fire-cat tomboy.” Tomboy? What is remotely tomboy-ish about Claire? Because she isn’t automatically a submissive girl from the very start?

— “She’s your average spoiled girl.” Geez, dude, why don’t you tell us some more about how awesome she is.

— Naturally, now that one of his haremettes is in grave danger, Kamito finally manages to summon his sword at full length…

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…wait, what?

“Remember. Remember that feeling. I’m… I’m the most powerful blade dancer, Ren Ashbell!”

So he’s the Ren Ashbell, the previous Blade Dance winner whose performance had inspired many of his current harmettes, including Claire herself? What? Did he cross-dress back then in order to win the tournament or something?

— In any case, the harem lead cleaves the demon spirit in one move. All’s well that ends well, I guess. Wait, what about the fire-cat?

— For some reason, it conveniently starts raining in the spirit realm.

— Afterwards, Kamito passes out from exhaustion. He then dreams of the dark times in his youth — y’know, when he was being raised to be a killer. This was also the same time he met his previous contracted spirit:

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Ooooh, how dark and scary. Anyway, that’s Restia, the girl he’s been looking for this entire time. He just doesn’t realize she’s been observing him this entire time. For some reason, she’s interested in his “awakening.” From what? Who knows. I’m sure the anime will fill us in later when we no longer care.

— Y’know, this story’s getting too serious for my blood. Where’s all the fun and light-hearted harem hijinks?!

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Oooh, what’s this?

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Why, it’s just a naked loli, of course!

— Basically, the harem lead’s “sword” is a pettanko. What do you even say to that?

— “Why are you in my bed?” “That is because I am yours, goshujin-sama.” Abandon all hope, anime fans.

— The kicker, however, is that despite Est being a sword-turned-loli, she’s not completely naked. Nope, nope, she still has kneesocks on for that extra moe factor.

— Well, you know a harem anime can never waste a good naked loli gag. As a result, Est continues to hide under the covers as Rinslet pays the harem lead a visit. Ooh, how scandalous! Talking to one of his haremettes as another haremette is trying to bury her head in his crotch.

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— You see, this is a very complex joke. Kamito’s demon sword has turned into a hot, sexy loli. The hot, sexy loli, however, is now being mistaken for Kamito’s boner, i.e. his “sword.” We’ve thus come full circle. When everyone eventually discovers Est under the sheets, however, they’ll assume that she’s polishing Kamito’s “sword.”

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You can thus say that a sword has engaged another ‘sword” in an epic swordfight! Wow! This joke works on multiple levels! That’s just the sort of genius you can expect from Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance.

— Elsewhere, a depressed Claire is determined to get herself another contracted spirit, even if it means throwing herself recklessly into dangerous situations. I can’t imagine the fire-cat is actually dead for good, though. In a fairer world, Scarlet would revive itself as a catboy devoted to Claire’s every need, but this is a harem anime. As a result, Scarlet will probably come back as a catgirl or some shit.

— It turns out Est has the ability to form clothes when she takes a humanoid form. She just wanted to be naked for the harem lead: “I thought you’d be happier seeing me that way.”

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— I like how the demon sword can not only fall in love, it’s a girl, it’s hetero, and it likes the harem lead right from the get-go. Est even turned down 30 elementalers before allowing Kamito to claim her for himself. Why? Justlolithings... Back in my day, you had to put in the hard work just to win a single girl over. Nowadays, harem endings are handed to kids on a silver platter! Young people nowadays just don’t know what it was like to walk 15 miles uphill both ways just to trigger an event flag!

— I also like how even though the demon sword appears as a flat-chested loli, it’s really a 1,000-year-old spirit. It has an old soul, you guys.

— Well, you know the drill… tsunderekkos just gotta tsuntsun:

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After he explains himself, she immediately goes deredere:

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Oh Fahrenfart, just give it up. You’re not even close to winning this competition.

— Hearing what Claire intends to do, Kamito runs off to rescue her once again. It appears, however, that he’s too late:

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Some hooded figure — probably Restia — approaches the foolish girl. I like how anime characters will just believe any goddamn thing a complete stranger tells them. Oh, you say that if I accept this this foreboding ball of dark energy, it will unlock my true potential? Well, don’t mind if I do! In any case, that about wraps it up for us.

After two weeks, Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance has secured itself a 2-0 record. Can Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? mount a comeback? Or will Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance dance its way to victory? Stay tuned as I try to apply generic sports cliches to this silly competition for the Crown of Shit Harem. Oh yeah, vote away, please:


18 Replies to “Summer 2014 Harem Hill, Week 3: I can’t believe my sword is a loli!”

  1. “Est even turned down 30 elementalers before allowing Kamito to claim her for himself.”

    Actually I think they got the translation wrong and it’s supposed to be 53 people. I’m quite sure she says “go-jyu-san-nin” = 53. Our dude is extra special.

    Note my japanese is pretty poor, so I might be wrong.

  2. I’ve decided to join you in watch both these series because why not. When you watch Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha and Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance side by side, only then can you understand how boring Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha is. Plus, you weren’t joking when you said that all the girls in Blade Dance were tsunderekko built from the ground up.

    These facts makes the voting harder. Shinryakusha is the duller show, but adventure harem shows like Blade Dance kinda rub me the wrong way. The harem setup always seemed like it was more suited for comedy then drama. So even if Blade Dance wants to tell a compelling story, its harem set up will eventually get in the way and the show will fall on it’s face. On top of that, the premise reminds me of Infinite Stratos and fuck that show.

  3. Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance keeps winning in the polls because it reminds people of Zeron no Tsukaima, Infinte Stratos and who can forget last seasons harem gem Seikoku no Dragonair. It sucks rigth down to it’s digital genes.

    “Nowadays, harem endings are handed to kids on a silver platter!”

    I disagree with this, harem endings are actually the rarest endings to the point of beimg almost non-existant, you always see either:

    1. The pink haired girl wins, she comes in different varieties but she always wins.

    2. The sudden arrival girl who the mc knows nothing about, that treats him like shit but somehow unexplicably he still loves her win.

    3. The cool beauty ojou-sama who is always alone, because first world problems that only the mc can solve for her win.

    4. The girl who literally does nothing, gets no kind of development or doesn’t even try to win over the mc (basically she is useless to the anime) win or becomes the focus of the animes “romance plot”. (Ex. Mikonos in Aquarion Evol, Onodera… I mean Tofu from Nisekoi)

    Etc… the MC always picks one girl (most of the time the worst one of the litter), I only remember like maybe two anime with true harem endings and one manga (I’m not counting doujinshi especially the hentai ones for obvious reasons).

    At least with boring you can have it as background noise and glance at it a few times, with stupid it’s like your brain cells are trying to commit suicide one by one especially with that kind of premise. Either way in the end we still lose because we are the one watching it which encourages the studios to keep churning out these kind of shitty anime.

    1. Since, you mentioned Aquarion Evol, I don’t get why it’s OBLIGATORY to have multiple girls either falling in love or having feelings for the MC. If it’s not a straight up harem anime, I see literally no reason to have them other than being meaningless story filler and pseudo-character inventory. Zessica for example knows that it’s hopeless, so why even include that story bit in the first place? I literally had zero interest in her romantic love story (if you could call it that). It didn’t help that her character design was an abysmal attempt at fan service, but she couldn’t have just been a female character that DIDN’T have to be the “second girl”? I guess it’s a cultural thing, but the trend that female characters exist FOR and REVOLVE around the MC is such a waste of effort when there’s nothing to see.

      And, yeah. Wow, Mikono was a nobody in that love triangle/square. A role that had to be filled next to the MC. A mannequin in a T-pose would have inspired more romance.

    2. I’m guessing everyone already knows that these harem “characters” aren’t people. They’re just pillars of cliches that happen to have tits and ass (well, unless they’re present to fulfill a fetish) that take the shape of humans. They do horrible imitations of speech, movement and thought that fools less informed viewers that they’re characters.
      They’re just objects in a multiple choice question that the harem’s Alpha Male has to choose before the final episode.
      And like you aptly put, the girl is already chosen anyway. So the illusion of choice that the harem genre has is broken from the very beginning. From there, it’s just a blackhole of nothing until the pre-determined girl is chosen; no meaningful plot, off-putting attempts at gags, and forgettable characters with forgettable “backstories”. But tired fan service out the wazoo though, we still get that.

    3. I disagree with this, harem endings are actually the rarest endings to the point of beimg almost non-existant

      I was being facetious.

      At least with boring you can have it as background noise and glance at it a few times, with stupid it’s like your brain cells are trying to commit suicide one by one especially with that kind of premise.

      Funny, I feel like boring kills my brain cells more because they’re so unengaged.

      Either way in the end we still lose because we are the one watching it which encourages the studios to keep churning out these kind of shitty anime.

      I doubt I’m contributing in any way to these companies’ decisions.

  4. Anime people are weeaboos. Just kidding but seriously, what is it with that words “Lewd”? Megaoverusage, I guess that just means that’s what Anime is hoping you enjoy: Lewd Fantasies about self inserts and lolimoetoes.

  5. It’s baffling to me that SOMEBODY can write this embarrassing garbage and go to sleep. What a lot of work and resources on things that are NOTHING.

    It’s getting so hard to vote on these. Both of these show are close to perfecting the art of ball dropping.
    Japan, please try harder. I know you won’t, but lie to me so I think you have an drop of originality left.

  6. the thing i like about shinrayouky is the ghost girl that while she has no backstory for now at least.she not tsundere she not cling on the main character there are only few clitches in her but they are not horrible

  7. About halfway through the bit about Blade Dance I got confused and thought I was reading about Dragonaur Academy (was that its title??) again. The day approaches when I will completely incapable of differentiating new harem shows.

    1. @e.minor i think next week everybody will vote for Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? becouse suimsuits episode are alweys painful boring

    2. If the harem shows are overlapping this much, probably a sign to put Harem Hill to pasture. Can’t keep writing about the same shows forever.

        1. Really? I fully expected her to win after she said she was bad with physical sports. That’s the thing about these kinds of shows I suppose since it markets itself as a romcom/harem, it can be incredibly predictable :D.

      1. Noooo its just a slow season this summer! I’m sure autumn will provide plenty of bounty, if you know what I mean *wiggles eyebrows*

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