What’s the theme this week? A true hero takes milady’s punishment with grace. As always, let’s take a look at last week’s poll results:
Oooh, so close. One of these weeks, Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? will finally win… or lose. Whatever it is. But for now, Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance is up 3-0. With that out of the way, let’s now dive into the fourth week of the season.
Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? Ep. 4
00:29 — The girls play one of those lottery games and win a trip to a hot springs resort. Why, of course they did. Every time one of these stupid lottery games show up in an anime, the grand prize is almost always a trip to some fancy inn. The most recent example? See ImoCho.
03:39 — We go shopping for swimsuits with the girls because, well, this episode is also doubling as the season’s requisite beach episode.
04:20 — More jokes about Theia’s flat chest, ’cause we just can’t get enough of them.
04:50 — The harem lead makes sure to ask Sanae, the ghost, whether or not she needs a swimsuit. She assures him that she still has one from a long time ago. Plus, she just can’t wear any regular bikini off the sales rack. It’s got to be an ectoplasmic lil’ number.
06:00 — Using alien technology, Theia helps the rest of the group save money by opening a gate directly to the hot springs resort. The harem lead then pats the flat-chested tsunderekko on the head to signify this approval.
Yep, not even done with a wink.
06:32 — When they get there, it turns out the inn is nothing more than a rundown apartment building.
06:43 — And it turns out their room is just exactly what they’ve been living in this whole, entire time anyway. Hey, they shouldn’t have any trouble getting settled in, then! Still, is any of this supposed to be funny? Hoho, you thought you were going to have a fancy vacation, but… you’re not! What. A. Gut. Buster. Oh yeah, the room is haunted too. Are you laughing yet?
08:10 — Still, the gang heads to the beach anyway…
08:46 — The harem lead learns that Harumi is here too, because her summer vacation home is nearby. They may as well just have stayed home, ’cause nothing has changed whatsoever. Why even bother with the pretense of going on a vacation?
09:41 — The girls are finally in their bathing suits, and naturally, they draw the crowd. The harem lead’s girls are always the hottest girls around. No exception. Normally, girls would want to check guys out as much as guys check them out. But not in an anime. In anime, the girls are totally oblivious to any other guy but the harem lead:
I mean, just look at Koutarou:
What girl wouldn’t want such a magnificent specimen all to herself?
10:23 — Alas, despite the haremettes’ various cute and/or sexy bathing suits, Harumi-chan with her white summer dress and parasol combo takes the lead anyway. And of course she does. She’s your typical, boring, understated Japanese beauty. A girl like Kiriha might have giant breasts, which harem fans are content to masturbate to, but let’s not kid ourselves. Simply because she dares to wear a two-piece bathing suit, she is automatically considered inferior to someone like Harumi. A true Japanese waifu would never show off her goods like that in public for other men to see!
10:53 — The rest of the girls are jealous. So what do they do? They decide to beat up on the harem lead for, uh, not drooling all over them.
11:04 — The harem lead wonders what he’s done to deserve this fate. Harumi tells him he doesn’t try to understand women’s feelings. So if women are seeking your approval, you better give it to them or you get abused.
11:52 — Sanae looks a little gimpy.
11:57 — The girls look and see the harem lead laughing and enjoying his time with Harumi. How dare he! He’s supposed to stay buried in the sand and be miserable on this vacation!
12:18 — So the girls threaten to split his head open with a large stick. Irrational jealousy is so funny! I’m so glad Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? has such a perfect handle on how women think and act. I now know never to go to the beach with my female friends, ’cause you never know if they are secretly in love with you, and therefore, would go yandere on you out of nowhere! Haha, women are so crazy.
13:23 — Those two guys in suits who had run the lottery are here too, and they’re trying to capture Sanae for some reason. I’m sure it’s a stupid reason. The rest of the girls do what they do best, so they beat up those two guys in suits.
14:15 — With two-thirds of the episode down the train, our harem lead finally gets to enjoy a dip in the hot springs.
14:31 — “Everyone else was getting along pretty well, too.” What are you? The Haremette Day Care Center?
14:40 — Theia confesses that she’s trying to “prove [herself] as a worthy successor in order to protect [her] mother, the current Empress.” Obviously, getting the harem lead’s loyalty proves you’re ready to rule.
Someone then says, “So, you want apartment 106 to help protect your mother.” Someone just said that with a straight face. It’s not even a joke, ’cause tender, contemplative music was playing in the background. In fact, why don’t we just drag everyone’s sob story out in the open while we’re here. Sanae won’t stop haunting the apartment, because she’s waiting for her parents to return. Hint: they’ve forgotten all about you and they never loved you in the first place.
16:40 — We now see the girls fast asleep. I guess I’m mildly surprised the harem lead didn’t walk in on them while they were bathing in the hot springs. Mildly.
16:52 — A sleeping harem lead rolls over, and snuggles Ruth. He’s really dreaming about a beetle in a tree, though. Yeah… a beetle. Don’t ask. Naturally, the girl gets mad at a guy for not dreaming about her. So she beats him up. Then the rest of the girls get mad at him too. Top-notch comedy.
18:05 — Don’t worry, buddy. I’d rather dream about beetles than any of these girls too.
18:35 — Forced out of his room, our harem lead goes for a stroll on the beach and runs into Kiriha. I love how the girl’s breasts are practically falling out one second…
…only to be covered up another second. Top-notch animation.
19:06 — Kiriha has in her hands a card she received from someone she liked. She just hasn’t seen this person since. I wonder who this person could be…
19:38 — Sanae sneaks up on the two of them, but when she surprises them, the harem lead’s special charms shock the ghost and send her flying to the ground…? Has he been carrying those wards on him this entire tim-… actually, I don’t care. Anyway, Sanae storms off because she’s offended he even has those charms in his possession. How many more times can the guy piss off one of his haremettes in just a single episode? Seriously.
20:43 — Those mysterious men in suits are still up to something. Up to something nobody cares about.
21:32 — The next day at breakfast, Koutarou and Sanae argue some more. I’m just a spirit. You’re just a boy. We’re destined to be enemies! Uguu, we can never be friends! So she storms off again. Oh boy, drama out of nowhere.
21:59 — The credits finally roll. So what have we learned this week, kids? We learned that it’s okay to flip your shit for whatever reason you want.
Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance Ep. 4
— Just look at the determination in our harem lead’s eyes. This cross-dresser means business.
— In fact, what am I even looking at?
— These eyes, man, these eyes. Who’s behind this anime, again? TNK? Who the fuck are they? Oh… ooooooooh… they produced School Days and Kenzen Robo Daimidaler. It’s all beginning to make sense now.
— Lots of still shots with action lines on top follow. I don’t know what’s funnier, to be honest: this show’s horrible animation, or the fact that something as highly-budgeted as Mahouka still had to resort to the same lazy trick.
— Meanwhile, you have Claire battling these spirits with nothing more than her whip. Needless to say, she isn’t doing very well:
But I don’t know… I think we need more action lines to convey just how much danger she’s in.
— “Why am I so weak?” the girl wonders. So that the harem lead can show up in the nick of time to save you!
— Unfortunately, Claire’s impatient, so she uses that evil magic she had been given at the end of last week’s episode. In doing so, this… ugly thing comes out. Holy shit, nothing looks cool in this anime, huh? “Give me your poor, your tired, your ugly ass Pokemon-rejects,” says Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance.
— The new, evil spirit then corrupts all of the other spirits, causing them to turn against their masters. You get to see hilarious shit like this giant bird turd flipping the fuck out.
— Apparently, that ugly thing is a twisted version of Scarlet. Poor fire-cat.
— Kamito has no choice but to summon his loli sword and enter the battlefield himself.
He tries to reason with the girl, but uh, she just says, “Shut up! I need power!” Good writing. Good dialogue. Good everything. Best anime of the season right here, folks.
— After a series of flashbacks, where we see more of Claire’s sob story, she argues, “Uguu, you don’t understand how lonely I am!”
— So the hero goes, “I’ll be here for you, idiot!” Naturally, Claire reacts with infinite grace by whipping him across the face. This is what it has come down to, folks. True love means allowing a girl to beat the shit out of you. You saw it first in Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?, and now you see it here in Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance. You ain’t a true Nipponjin if you don’t let your haremette beat you whenever she’s mad. Then naturally, once you get married, the tables are turned.
— Claire then has the nerve to ask, “Why didn’t you dodge that? I wasn’t trying to hit you.” Babe, I only threw the punch because I thought you’d avoid it!
— Our gentlesir’s answer? “Claire, I love your flame.” So whip me all you want! In any case, he re-iterates his desire to be her contracted spirit. Yo, asshole, you’re not even a spirit.
— Twisted Scarlet is having none of this bullshit, though!
— Best part is, Claire only finds out now that her precious Scarlet is still alive. What did she think that thing was?
— In just a single strike, however, the harem lead destroys the red crystal on the twisted Scarlet’s head, and that is enough to turn the mad spirit back into a cute fire-cat. So much for that, huh? Obviously, if we waste any more time with this scene, we won’t be able to have all the juicy harem hijinks that are soon to come.
— Afterwards, our gentlesir asks the girl if she’s okay. She just tells him to shut up, or she’ll turn him into cinders. Man, what an amazing girl.
— Tired of this charade, Restia shows herself to the harem lead.
— Aaaaaaand she’s off again. Not before she brings this stupid golem thing to life, of course.
— The timing of this conversation is just stupid. The giant-ass golem is still on a rampage, bringing the whole coliseum down. But we can’t escape yet! We have to discuss who Restia is to the harem lead!
— Since Kamito still won’t snap out of his Restia-induced funk, Claire plants a kiss on him:
But uh, it’s not like she cares or anything! She just wants to save the town!
— I’m not going to describe the fight between Kamito and the giant-ass golem. It’s just poorly animated and ugly. I mean, look at this. It’s horrendous. And that thing attached to the golem’s left wrist? Yeah, it’s Claire’s whip. Somehow, it grew in length and size. Not only that, it’s strong enough to hold back a giant-ass golem. B-b-but it’s not like she wants to save Kamito or anything!
— Kamito has to use a lot of Ren Ashbell signature moves to take down the golem. As a result, Claire can’t help but think, “Could it be…. could Kamito and Ren Ashbell be the same person?” Yeah, they are, but I mean, can’t people copy other people’s moves? Why would using the same moves be indicative of anything?
— After the fight, Kamito passes out once again, ’cause using that loli sword drains a lot of his juices, if you know what I mean. When he comes to, he finds himself in bed again with, of course, his naked loli:
But it’s different this time! ‘Cause Claire wasn’t around the last time Est was naked in Kamito’s bed, so obviously, we need to redo the scene with gusto! And spirit!
— Elsewhere, another haremette arrives on campus in a horse-drawn campus. But enough. Enough. I’m done. I’m out. Fuck both of these shows.
Vote away, vote away…