Seriously, way to many tsunderekkos this week. As always, let’s first take a look at last week’s results:
Finally! That’s what I’m talking about. Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? just sucks, man. And it’s going to keep sucking from now until it ends. Still, the score at the moment is 3-1 in Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance Ep. 5’s favor. Let’s see, however, if this week’s episodes will continue to tip things in Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?‘s direction.
Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? Ep. 5
For the first time, the anime tries to be serious, but it fails spectacularly. As you’ll recall, the harem lead and the dumb ghost had a bit of a falling out after last week’s episode. Everyone treated the harem lead like a punching bag, but hey, he gets mad once and all hell breaks loose. So the dumb ghost wanders off on her own, and as a result, the weirdo ghost hunters manage to capture her.
Fantastic. Good riddance. Bon voyage, mon petit fantome. What’s that? The cosplayer wants to save the dumb ghost, but then she herself gets carried off by other cosplayers. Oh man, real funny. I’m laughing ’cause I’m 12. But if you think that’s sad, just wait until you see the harem lead get a lecture on niceness from the boring knitting girl.
Seriously, boring knitting girl actually has to spell it out to the harem lead that he had hurt dumb ghost’s feelings:
Boring knitting girl: “We’re fellow Knitting Society members, yes?”
Harem lead: “Yeah.”
Boring knitting girl: “But I could also say this: ‘Satomi-kun and I are strangers who just happen to be in the same club.'”
Harem lead: “What? But that’s…”
Boring knitting girl: “I’m only telling the truth, right? I would feel awful if you said something similar about me. How would you feel?”
Harem lead: “It’d hurt my feelings too.”
Boring knitting girl: “That’s exactly what you did to your friend, though.”
Yeah, kids, being mean is bad. You want to be nice! You don’t want to be mean. Armed with this epiphany, our harem lead thus charges off to rescue the dumb ghost. But first, he needs to gather up the rest of his haremettes. What a great plot.
And no, I haven’t fail to notice the ghost lady who had tried to corrupt the dumb ghost. I just don’t care about her existence, because she’s just a dumb plot device. Naturally, the harem lead will succeed in saving the dumb ghost and all will be well. You know it, I know it, we all know it. these shows operate like clockwork. There won’t be any curveballs. by the end of the episode, the dumb ghost will be gleefully and giddily clinging onto the harem lead’s side like a dumb dog. But uguu, we gotta create drama! We gotta create tension! Therefore, enter the ghost lady: “Hurr hurr, your friends will betray you!” The dumb ghost thus believes her in order, and this creates doubt in the audience’s mind! If you’re an idiot, that is. The way I see it, it doesn’t change anything. The ghost lady is just there to waste time.
Dumb ghost literally sees that the harem lead is coming to save her, but because this is written by babies for babies, dumb ghost tells herself, “No, we’re enemies. No matter how close we are… He’ll always hate me because I’m a nuisance.” Uh-huh, sure, whatever you say. This episode is totally full of suspense because I don’t know if the dumb ghost is right or not! What if she is?!
The harem lead then dramatically breaks down the doors to where the dumb ghost is being kept. Is the dumb ghost thrilled that he has come all the way here for her? Nope. She calls him a jerk: “I didn’t ask for your help.” Welp, you heard the dumb ghost. Let’s go, guys.
And that is what happened. The harem lead turns around and leave, and Sanae dies… even harder.
Unfortunately, we can’t have nice things, so we’re in the darkest timeline. As a result, the harem lead doesn’t leave. Instead, he and the rest of his haremettes fight off an army of spirits just to rescue the dumb ghost. What a waste of time and animating budget.
A bunch of really shitty action follows. The same charms that had repelled the dumb ghost in the first place ends up helping the harem lead rescue her. Top notch irony, Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?, top notch irony. Go ahead, pat yourself on the back. And just like that, the dumb ghost is back in the family. Like anime always says, keep it in the family. Do you guys realize, however, that we’ll have to go through similar such episodes for the rest of the girls? Ugh.
Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance Ep. 5
For some reason, the episode kicks off with some twintailed shoujo being chased by an evil tree:
I just hope the creators of this anime don’t happen to be fans of Evil Dead. Just when the tree is about to make mincemeat out of the girl, however, the hero shows up out of nowhere and fights the tree off:
Great, fantastic, very original. This also reminds me of harem convention #135: if you’re a haremette, I’ve likely saved you before. Therefore, you owe me. You owe me sex. But I didn’t save you for sex. ‘Cause I’m a nice guy. But still, you owe me sex. Anyway, there’s this really dumb moment in which the twintailed shoujo gawks at her hero only to suddenly remember that she should cover herself up:
Really? I mean, this tiny, little moment doesn’t even last two second nor does it add anything to the narrative. Nevertheless, the show’s creators felt strongly that it should be included in the scene. Alright, then…
So the harem lead quickly disposes of the evil, rampaging chunk of wood, but if you think the twintailed shoujo is thankful, think again. C’mon, she’s a twintailed shoujo, so it’s pretty much a given that she’s going to get mad at him. Keep up with me, folks. More specifically, however, this haremette is not quite as dumb as the redhead haremette, so she recognizes right off the bat that our harem lead is none other than the infamous Ren Ashball. Blah blah blah, what a shame it is for the Blade Dance to be corrupted by the mere presence of a Y-chromosome. But even so — dokidoki — I, this twintailed shoujo, am forever in love with you. Why? Harem convention #67:
Every harem series must contain at least one piggyback ride. Uguu, you lost your shoes fighting a tree. Let me carry you all the way back to the village. You know, in the two decades and some odd years that I’ve spent living on this planet, I have never once felt the strong desire to give any girl a piggyback ride. The thought has simply never crossed my mind. And yet, look at these shows. Piggyback rides are a dime a dozen in them. And why?
Often times, these shows make a big deal out of the fact that the harem lead can feel his haremette’s soft breasts pressed up against his back. When you’re both wearing clothes, I can’t even imagine how this is remotely possible unless your clothes are simply made out of tissue paper. But still, this is something worth considering. Do we see piggyback rides all the time in these harem series because it’s the cleanest, most innocent way the harem lead — and thus the male audience projecting their desires onto the bland harem lead — can feel up a girl without receiving her strict consent? Is this just another example of the nice guy doing something nice just to get a sexual favor in return? Gee, I dunno…
Blah blah blah, he introduces himself to her, they share a conversation as he carried her home, the nighttime sky has two shitty moons. Let’s just move on, or we’ll be at this all day. The only thing you need to know is that the harem lead had promised to meet the twintailed shoujo again after the Blade Dance tournament… but he never did. Naturally, girls can never let anything go. They always have to bring up your past mistakes! As such, when we return to the present, the girl — all grown up now, of course — has tracked him down. But uh, not because she likes him or anything. Nuh-uh! She just hasn’t forgiven him for breaking their promise! Yeah! She doesn’t have twintails anymore, though, so… let’s just call her Stalky.
Elsewhere, our harem lead is still feeling up his naked sword. She’s a sword, but also a silver-haired loli. Confusing? Not really. After all, the harem lead is, well, the harem lead, but also the greatest female champion that the Blade Dance tournament has ever seen. Obviously, Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance is really about a confused transgendered girl coming to grips with her fluid gender identity.
In any case, our harem lead is still asking the same dumb questions he had asked weeks ago. ‘Cause nothing ever changes in these anime. Therefore, harem convention #189: one haremette will try to make a move on the harem lead, so the other haremette can walk in on them and get mad:
Yep, yep. This is fresh and original stuff, guys. Keep ’em coming.
Afterwards, we learn that these kids form teams of five in order to participate in team battles. What’s so important about team battles? The top three teams get to enter the Blade Dance tournament. Unfortunately, the harem lead’s team only has two members: the harem lead himself and the dumb redhead. As a result, they keep losing to other teams. Hey, it’s not easy to compete when you’re short-handed. Therefore, you know what this calls for: the generic “Let’s go around and recruit friends” subplot!
I like how their teacher doesn’t really give a shit that the harem lead’s team is short three people. Hah, you’re my student, but if you think I’m going to give a shit about you, think again! I also like how the headmistress had personally recruited the harem lead to this school, but she won’t bother to ensure his entry into the actual Blade Dance tournament. What if he failed to make friends? What if he couldn’t find three additional members to fill out his team? Oh, what am I even saying! It’s the harem lead! Of course he’ll find three haremettes to fill both his team and his pants out!
While the characters are just sitting around, having lunch and discussing the harem lead’s loneliness — don’t ask — the blonde haremette conveniently shows up. Gee, I wonder if this is candidate #1 to join the team. Problem is, everyone’s a tsunderekko, so even though blondie over here totally wants to have lunch with the harem lead and the dumb redhead, she won’t admit it. The harem lead naturally invites blondie to join them, but then it’s the dumb redhead’s turn to go all tsuntsun on us!
Yep, yep, nothing more fun than to have a bunch of girls treat you like shit. That’s how the harem lead knows the girls like him. Obviously, all of our real life relationships are doomed to fail, because we just get along too well. Hold on, lemme go tell my girlfriend real quick to hate my guts. It’s for the sake of our future, baby! You have to hate and physically abuse me or this relationship’ll never work!
Elsewhere, Stalky is getting ready to transfer into the harem lead’s class. As you can see, she’s grown up in more ways than one. Hey, someone has to make up for the fact that the rest of the haremettes are flat-chested or moderately-endowed at best. Plus, this becomes another convenient way for Grumpy, the dumb redhead, to get mad at the harem lead again:
But wait, there’s more!
The loli sword who just can’t keep her clothes on also decides to throw in her two cents:
Tsunderekkos all around! In fact, I’m sure Stalky’s a tsunderekko too, seeing as how she is still mad at the harem lead for breaking their oh-so-precious promise. But it ain’t just any promise. It’s a yubikiri, which is ten billion gajillion times more contractually binding than anything you can draft up with a bunch of lawyers. In fact these girls can’t even resist being tsundere with each other:
Blondie: “Oh yeah, did you manage to get team members for the Blade Dance?”
Dumb redhead: “Not yet.”
Blondie: “That’s unfortunate.”
Dumb redhead: “We’re having trouble finding members that match my expectations. What about you? You found people?”
Blondie: “I just can’t find individuals that can make it to my level.”
Ugh, just admit it. You both want to be teammates.
But of course, when the dumb redhead asks Blondie if Blondie wants to join her team, Blondie returns with, “You sure you’re not the one who wants to join my team?” What team? You have nobody. At least the dumb redhead has a team of two. But whatever, this is way below my pay grade. Let’s just skip this bullshit to…
Ah yes, the Frigid Warrior Princess, yet another tsunderekko to add to the mix. She’s here to recruit the harem lead to her team. Great stuff. This team stuff is really fascinating. We’re all just delaying the inevitable anyway: they’re all going to be on the same team. Is this shit over yet?
No, no it’s not. The headmistress summons the harem lead just to meet Stalk–… bah, I’m done. Here, have one more tsundere shark for the road:
Vote away, but if you ask me, Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? still sucks more.