Rail Wars! Ep. 8: The train that couldn’t slow down

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Rail Wars!Rail Wars! never changes… Hell, the war part practically doesn’t even exist.

— The cold opening has nothing but a landslide, but hey, this just means we’ll actually get to see some train-on-train action in this week’s episode.

— So basically, this is how it’s going to play out. Noa’s upfront about her desire for Naoto, so obviously, Naoto will retreat from her like a shy, little boy. Aoi will then do the tsuntsun thing she’s been doing all season, but ah, here’s the new twist: the once nice and sweet Haruka is now stewing in her yandere juices. Gosh, who would you guys pick?

— No one. ‘Cause waifus ain’t real.

— Haruka’s not quite cooked all the way through, though. One look from Noa was enough to make the girl sit back in her seat and look downcast.

— And the guy they’re all fighting over? J-j-just s-stammering all ohooooverrr the place! Hey, I feel for people with speech impediment problems. I just don’t feel for gutless wimps.

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— Eventually, Sho shows up to save the guy… with a cup of coffee. I think this is the most presence Sho has had all season. What a bro, though! His spidey senses were tingling, so he just knew Naoto was beset by three really angry, big-boobied women. Worry not, my virginal friend! I’m here to save you for marriage!

— Naoto is absolutely oblivious to all the female attention he is getting, and now, the childhood friend girl is here too. But apparently, this is what girls like Noa really, really want: “I don’t exactly hate to have to compete for being chosen.” What’s funny, though, is that she’s an idol, so chasing after any dick is tantamount to career suicide. I’m sure if her fans knew what she was doing right now, you’d see all these uploaded pictures of her posters and CDs being trashed. NOA-CHAN YOU HARLOT!

— Finally, the harem lead gets a very urgent phone call regarding the landslide. Trains are being stalled! Oh the horror! The horror!

— All Naoto and his team are going to do is go assist some customers. Customers are number one!!! Even so, Noa thinks he looks pretty cool. He could fart in her face and she’d think she was in the middle of a Parisian patisserie. The other girls are shooting daggers with their eyes. Naturally, yandere-chan wants to kill the intruder, but Aoi has her hate reserved for the harem lead.

— Exciting footage of our train employees handing out raincoats! We even see Sho bravely carrying an old person on his broad shoulders! Wow! He’s so strong! Too bad he’s not smart enough to wear a raincoat himself. In fact, he’s wearing nothing but a wifebeater.

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Not to be outdone, Aoi also refuses to cover herself up even though they’re handing out those raincoats like candy. But hey, if her anime hair can take the rain, I’m sure that sheer dress of hers will be just fine.

— Afterwards, the four of them are rewarded with a nice cup of coffee. Man, again? Plus, the characters’ heads look ridiculous here. Anyway, why am I even bothering to point this scene out? When Aoi finds herself staring at her reflection in the coffee, the harem lead reminds her to drink the coffee before it gets cold. Gosh, if he doesn’t look out for his haremettes, they can’t even drink the coffees right!

— Just outside, a customer is making a lot of noise because she needs to deliver an organ on time or someone will die. But even though she was in a panic just a second ago, we now see her calmly sitting at a table, explaining her story to everyone.

— Are there no nearby runways where you could potentially find a small plane to get this job done? It’s raining cats and dogs, but it doesn’t look like a raging storm. I’m sure you could fly in this weather. But no, this is a train anime, so our heroes will figure something out. They will drive a train through the landslide!

— Haruka is such an idiot: “If trains won’t move then I should run on the track at worst.” Hurr, if I start now, I will reach the destination in two hours! Yeah, that’s smart. Let’s run for two hours straight in the rain! I know what the anime is trying to do. We’re supposed to sit here and marvel at her selflessness and determination. Waaaaa~! She’s willing to do whatever it takes! No, the truth is that she’s just wasting valuable time. In an urgent situation, every second counts, and you can’t sit there and seriously consider a girl’s dumb-as-fuck proposal to jog through the rain for two straight hours.

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— Haruka: “If the transplant surgery can be performed, one person will be saved.” Yeah, uh, I think that’s the idea… But sure enough, we’re still wasting time on this idea. This awesome, awesome idea. In fact, just look how mad she is. Holy shit, she looks like she’s about to wreck some harem lead balls.

— Haruka: “I absolutely can’t bring myself to give up on that just like this.” Oh my God, no one’s telling you to give up. We just want some good ideas — ideas that don’t involve running through the rain like an idiot for two hours.

— Harem lead goes, “Wait!” ‘Cause, y’know, he has an idea. He’s the harem lead, so he always knows what to do. Haruka’s response? “What? We have no time!” Ahahahaha, get running then. Why don’t you just pick the organ up and start running!

— Naoto’s plan? Just use an old track. It’s unblocked, but at the same time, it hasn’t been actively maintained. But I’m sure it’s a better plan than running for two fucking hours in the pouring rain. Actually, I don’t know. Maybe it would be funnier to watch Haruka attempt this.

— But whatever. Here’s Naoto’s golden chance to drive these shitty trains.

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— In fact, this is the tin box they’ll be riding in. Only the very best!

— Blah blah blah, a bunch of boring train details.

— Goddamn, put on some raincoats, you dumb fuckers. In fact, I’m not sure I want to leave the organ with you guys… And honestly, what is Sho doing? There’s no way you’re exerting any significant amount of force on the train with your arms that high up.

— Yeah, Sho is literally going to power this train by pedaling. Just look at that face full of determination. But it’s too hard to pedal with just one person alone! So we need to… we need to…

— Seriously? We gotta watch these characters push the train some more?

— Naoto’s superiors had already told he could run all the red lights. The anime feels the need to point out, however, that running red lights are normally not okay! In fact, just look how distraught he is! Remember, kids! When you’re watching this big-boobied anime, keep in mind that running a red light is a no-no!

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— They start going downhill, but it’s incredibly steep for some reason. Here’s our delicious train action, though. Sparks flying everywhere! Train tracks flying by! Clenched teeth on the harem lead’s face! This train is going too damn fast!

— Watch out! Dangerous boobslides ahead!

— U-uguu, harem lead… I’ve done a terrible thing! But it’s okay! Safety first! This old train still comes equipped with airbags!

— Uh, is she going to get an orgasm out of this? I know the train is vibrating pretty hard, but c’mon…

— This entire time, however, the guy doesn’t even help her up. Well, why would he? It’s not like he’s a nice harem lead or anything.

— What’s a temp leader’s job? Giving out urgent orders like telling Sho to go to the other side of the train so it won’t tilt. Man, what would we do without you, captain?

— Dude’s been saying “We need to decrease the speed” for a while now, pumping the brakes just isn’t working. We need…

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…the D.

— Aoi: “Is it the one with a ‘D’ on it?” GEE, I DUNNO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

— The train’s tilting again! I’d tilt too if these jerks were in charge of my safety. But nevermind that for now, because Aoi’s plan is to hang on the side of the train just to keep it from falling over. Yes. By herself. This probably 2-ton train car taking a corner at over 40 km/h is literally being held in place by a 45 kg anime babe. Eventually, Sho joins her, but it was still ridiculous as fuck when Aoi was on her own.

— Naoto: “We need to lower the speed more…” Tell me something new, please.

— Now they’re approaching an S-curve, so Aoi and Sho will have to run from one side of the car to the next! Exciting! No? Well, have a random pantyshot in the middle of a tense situation to make up for it.

— The four of them get a short breather as they exit the dangerous tunnel. Naturally, they get saluted for their bravery.

— But if you thought the last five minutes were heart-pumping, you ain’t seen nothing yet! After all, the old line is just up ahead!

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— It’s possible that they might run into a rockfall and be trapped inside one of these tunnels. That would be horrible, but the team assures Naoto that they’ll be fine. “We can’t give up now,” Aoi says! Hear, hear! “We’ll be together all the way,” Haruka assures! Yep, tomodachis forever! “Even to the depths of HELL!” Sho exclaims. Wait, what? Now I remember why we don’t give you lines…

— But all of a sudden, they run into some overgrown roots or something, so this is the last thing Naoto sees…

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14 thoughts on “Rail Wars! Ep. 8: The train that couldn’t slow down

  1. Anonymous

    Rail Wars! along with SAO II and Mahouka are still on my watchlist because I’m just curious how hilarious of a trainwreck they’re going to finish as. Not “if”, it’s “how” because they’re too far into their respective shows in such a state that there’s very little chance they’ll be able to redeem themselves no matter what they manage to pull off.

    Congratulations Rail Wars!, you manage to make even “steamy” harem drama boring. And really? You get an actual action scene with the train (whoa! a train!) and just throw fan service at it like it’s worth nothing? Let me correct myself, it IS worth nothing. Like I get it, why else would we need tits-tacular girls in this show? To act as meaningful characters? That’s hilarious.
    Coupled with the rest of the nonsensical bullshit, what a spectacular way to destroy a potentially decent scene. Nothing like swaying tits and girls flopping all over the place to build up the libido, I mean, tension.

    PS: Good point about the whole idol thing. I remember idol fans just going completely ape-shit when they hear a rumor or see their megami-sama acting like a human being for seeing someone they show interest in. Idol otaku are the worst pigs. It’s really disgusting and childish, but the fact that the writer either doesn’t care or probably doesn’t even know about that stuff happening is pretty fuckin’ dumb also. Then again, I don’t expect much from the show in the first place, much less anything resembling reality.

    Reply
    1. E Minor Post author

      Congratulations Rail Wars!, you manage to make even “steamy” harem drama boring.

      What’s a steamy harem drama that isn’t boring?

      Reply
  2. gomegron

    Then they all die, and it cuts to the hospital where the guy who needs the organ is, turns out there actually was a donor that had just moved to the area a month ago, so he’s all fine!

    …If only.

    Reply
  3. JGRed

    “The train that couldn’t slow down”

    Hm, that sounds familiar. Wasn’t that also the name of a movie about a train that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, the train would explode?

    Reply
  4. natethegratest

    @eminor

    When can the premises of the subject an anime revolves around be interesting? How can an anime pull off being explanatory but also pull the interests of the audience?

    Reply
    1. natethegratest

      Guys guys I has a very epic way to get the moneys with my totallitarian unique idea.

      PLANE WARS!

      Potassium, so the setting is that we got these planes and we got this academy who trains people to use these flames.

      Remember this isn’t some useless side-plot to mask an ecchi harem generic anime. MY ANIME TALKS ABOUT SHOVELLING THE COAL INTO THE RIGHT PLACES. oh shit… I mean my anime talks about how you have to fuel the gas in the right places… Yeah.

      And now to our totally awesome, creative, imaginative, characters11111

      !

      So we got this small wimpy kid who has female phobias or something but he really wants to fly airplanes so he does some boring academy tihs and it’s edgy cause the earmuffs and training pistols disappear with every new cut. MY ANIMAY IS EDGIER THAN THE SHARPEST CRAYON IN THE BOCKS22222

      Then we got the feemales who push around our hopeful future pilot and create some hirrarrious comedy backlash.

      Oh yeah, then theres that 1 guy who says nothing and wears wife beatersband stuff.

      So the plot is that planes yeah but then we dont wanna bore you so theres a bunch tsuntsun delicious character development and w w w w wwwwoorrllddd building. This anime will eat you up, and spit you out. You can self insert, think of fanfiction, but hey this isnt some perverted anime lolimouto su/stu show we got going on here!!!

      101per¢ original.

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        If Plane Wars! had a lot of jet fighter battles it could possibly be entertaining in its own right with needing ecchi nonsense plastered all over it

        Reply
    2. Anonymous

      If you got time watch or read Silver Spoon, Library Wars or Welcome to The NHK (if you haven’t already). All of these have pretty unique premises that almost border on the gimmicky, pretty much like Rail Wars!. In fact, I would almost venture to say that the premise of “trains” itself isn’t as wild as these three have. Country life and farming, censorship, and social anxiety that a NEET suffers from, respectively.
      Being “explanatory” I feel is not the most optimal or interesting way to share either information about something or explaining the setting. The best way is to SHOW by telling a story through carefully crafted and focused scenarios of which characters act out the plot. Sure, exposition is fine, but it needs to kept at a minimum; too much and it becomes an info-dump and those are never interesting to watch or listen to. Sometimes, exposition isn’t even needed.
      The MC from Welcome to The NHK suffers from extreme social anxiety and his status as a NEET, and it’s very well conveyed through inner thoughts and the visual cues, his perpetually panicked expressions and mannerisms, and being “trapped” in his apartment which is an important setting that says a lot about him. It might help to mention that the writer was a NEET himself when he wrote the story, so he’s unfortunately an authority on the subject.
      On the other hand, you got Silver Spoon, where a city boy encounters something like “culture shock” when he has to deal with the realities and responsibilities of farming and raising live-stock. Yeah, there’s exposition like how to correctly milk a cow or the paradoxical nature of caring for an animal destined for consumption, but those themes feel real because the city boy has to deal with them personally.
      Has Rail Wars! thus far been successful in developing characters and plot centered around it’s theme of trains and the alternative universe Japan of non-privatized railways? Hell no, nobody with an ounce of literary knowledge of craft would give it a pass. It’s a thinly guised typical harem story that overshadows everything else. Whenever something related to trains appear, it either feels forced like they HAD to fit it in somehow to remind people the show has something to do with trains. Or the segments feel completely shoo-ed in and results in falling flat on its face. And like this week’s episode aptly demonstrates, there’s no integrity to respect the theme and it’s shown by simply piling unneeded ecchi fan service onto it. Also, it certainly doesn’t help that none of the characters LOOK or FEEL fresh in the slightest.

      Reply
  5. mrfatso

    So… how many more episodes before we get train x train action scene completed with mist, steam and other mysterious black bars while boobs comment on the hot steamy train action that are being shown off screen?

    Reply

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