Rail Wars! Ep. 9: Tunnel vision

Rail Wars! - 0901

I think there’s something very odd about the way Aoi’s right breast has been drawn, but details details! What I want to know is whether or not our heroes had managed to deliver the organ on time! So let’s have a look at that, shall we?

— Even when a character is bringing her superior some hot tea, it’s really just an opportunity to stare at her large rack. And naturally, there’s ‘caeki’ to go with said tea.

— Alright, alright… now we’ll hit up Naoto and company. And as you can plainly see, he is being delicately mounted by his drenched coworker. The man can barely talk under all that pressure.

— What follows next is an exciting footage of the train entering a tunnel. I’ll let you guys connect your own dots. Oh yeah, we ain’t slowin’ this caboose down!

— Hell, look at those killer light trails. Rail Wars! isn’t sparing any expenses for this week’s SFX budget!

Rail Wars! - 0930

— Once again, the train is taking a sharp corner at “high” speeds, so it might tip over. Aoi and Sho look to be on the job, buuuuuuuuuut this tunnel is just too tight!… what? Oh, get your mind out of the gutter! We have a life to save!

— So what does Sho do? He launches himself against the tunnel wall only to fall back down onto the train, and… and, well, that’s it. He balanced the train by throwing himself against the tunnel wall. This is cutting edge shounen train action, man. This is uncharted territory. Never have seen such death-defying attempts to balance a draisine as it careens through a tunnel at a little over 40 km an hour. In twenty years, we’re going to watch the Train la Train where a bunch of sexy trains do battle, and we’ll have Rail Wars! to thank for blazing this new path in anime.

— Next, they’re about to enter the longest tunnel in the line (that’s what she said), so they really, really need to slow down. What follows is a bunch of mechanical talk about trains that I didn’t pay any attention to — something about lining up the cogs with the rail — so… we’ll just skip ahead to the action.

— Naoto tries to pump the breaks, but it’s too difficult! So Aoi comes up to him, places a hand on his shoulder, and says, “Don’t give up.” That’s s-so inspiring! Yeah, one more time, dude. Pull on the breaks once more! Aoi even places her hand on his to show the guy that she’s there for him. You totally needed a pep-talk in order to pull a fucking lever.

Rail Wars! - 0908

— I’ve never had to scream “Enter!” with my partner before.

— This entire time, Sho is busy biking for his life. So if he’s the brawn, and Haruka’s the brain, what does that make the other two? Well, Aoi’s kind of the brawn too, but I don’t quite feel right saying Naoto is the other half of the brains…

Me too, buddy. Me too…

— We may have left the longest tunnel, but we still have plenty more tunnels to plumb. So, uh, sit back and enjoy the tunneling action.

— At one point, Aoi somehow loses her footing and falls right out of the goddamn vehicle. Think fast, harem lead! She proceeds to hang there in midair for quite some time. It’d be hella unfortunate if they were to come up upon a pole or something…

Doki doki

— I wonder if Haruka’s steaming through this entire scene, ’cause turn on the deredere! Aoi lets out a tiny little whimper: “…gomen…” Oh lawd, that’s enough to melt any train otaku’s heart.

Rail Wars! - 0910

— Holy crap, how many more tunnels do I have to sit through?

Overhead action!

Delicious rear action!

Michael Bay action!

— So yeah, while Naoto is confident that the last S-curve on the trip will be a piece of cake, it looks as though the train is falling apart. What now, buddy? What now?!

— We’re just back to the whole “let’s hang off the side of the train” action. Booooooring. The only difference now is that Naoto’s replacing Sho, who had hurt his foot in his “let’s kick a tunnel wall” attempt.

— Yeah, this is the harem lead all the girls are chasing.

— Aoi’s helping him, so she suggests that he screams whatever he wants during the curves. Y’know, to hype himself up. Naoto is whitebread as fuck, so naturally, he screams “I’m going to be a train driver no matter what!”

Rail Wars! - 0931

— Aoi; “You did pretty well, compared to yourself, Takayama.” Woo, compared to myself! Moe Sucks is the best anime blog ever! Compared to itself, of course…

— One last curve! Let’s do it, guys–… what, what the fuck are you doing here? Then who’s holding the organ!

— What the fuck?! You, too? Where’s the organ!

— Apparently, we needn’t worry about the organ because both girls are literally holding onto the train with one arm as the train is tilting. Safe practices, guys.

— Finally, our heroes have made it to the destination! There’s just one problem: Sho breaks the lever that’s used for pumping the brakes.

— Oh well, there’s nothing left to do but to stop the multi-ton car using nothing but your damn shoes!

— But Shou then manages to break even more of the train. Welp.

— Time to tuck and roll! Heroic leap! Naturally, the characters are no worse for wear.

Rail Wars! - 0926

— In fact, Aoi is like a cat, so she has no problems jumping off of the train and landing on her feet. Her boobs just had to through a painful-looking distortion, then her head became misshapen. All in a hard day’s work.

— Afterwards, Haruka apologizes for dragging him into this mess. ‘Cause y’know, wanting to deliver an organ on time is selfish. But hey man, this is the perfect opportunity for her to mention how she had once lost someone precious to her, so that’s why she was so hellbent on delivering that organ! Very organic storytelling.

— Aoi interrupts this little touching moment between Haruka and the harem lead, however, by flicking the latter’s forehead. Ain’t nobody’s winning this thing. After all, it’s a harem, a genre defined by its ability to infinitely defer the big payoff wherein the main character chooses one of the girls.

— Any final words, captain?

Rail Wars! - 0927

That’s what she–… nevermind.

— The ever-inspiring Naoto then blames himself for all the troubles they had to go through. Man, what girl doesn’t love a guy with no confidence!

— Remember that train-driving simulation from two episodes ago? Yeah, me neither, but the characters manage to pass it this time, so kudos to them.

That what sh–… goddammit, anime, stop trying to set me up.

— Afterwards, everyone’s headed for one of Noa’s crappy concert. Mari offhandedly mentions that Noa’s her rival, but it goes over the harem lead’s head.

— The harem lead then catches Aoi staring at some feminine clothes, but she pretends as though she doesn’t look good in them. Naturally, Naoto tells her otherwise, so…

Aoi: “Wh-What’re are you saying, you idiot? B-But if that’s what you say, I’ll look for [the dress] again.”

Classic harem move.

Rail Wars! - 0929

— The episode ends with both characters re-affirming their different career paths: Naoto wants to be a train driver, and Aoi wants to be in security, but this time around, there’s no drama: “I have no choice but to protect the train you’re driving for you.” Who knew the anime about trains would end up being the best harem of the season?

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4 thoughts on “Rail Wars! Ep. 9: Tunnel vision

  1. Jovian Dreamer

    Every week I click on your Rail Wars articles because the fan art intrigues me. I don’t even watch the actual show, so I don’t read the posts. Just here for the fan art and the mildly amusing screen caps. You should do the “intriguing” fan art thing for all the other posts. Or a, um, provocative gif like that one for Btooom. At least for other shows like Rail Wars and Btooom, that is, anime that aren’t very interesting.

    Also, what is your source for all this Rail Wars fan art?

    Reply
    1. E Minor Post author

      Also, what is your source for all this Rail Wars fan art?

      They’re eyecatches at the end of every episode.

      Reply
  2. Maratz

    “In twenty years, we’re going to watch the Train la Train where a bunch of sexy trains do battle”

    You had my curiosity but now you have my attention. People only exist to ride trains. Kamui Shinkansen-tsu, go forth!

    Reply

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