Wait, is this blonde girl supposed to be the reverse trap? ‘Cause honestly, that’s the least convincing reverse trap I’ve ever seen. Gosh, I just can’t wait to hear her story, so let’s start the show.
— The episode kicks off with Aoi running laps around Naoto. Sure, the harem lead isn’t very athletic, but I’m more concerned by the fact that someone seems to have turned on the super deformed mode on this anime.
— Naoto then trips and falls, but Aoi’s breasts naturally breaks his fall. Y’know the drill. It’s just standard harem fare. The girl goes, “You know I’m only here because you said you wanted to retrain, right?” Mm-hmm, yeah, tell us how tsuntsun you are as you wrap the harem lead’s dainty lil’ ankle in bandages.
— Really though, this tsundere act is so bipolar, it’s hilarious. She kicks him in the ankle, but then tells him with concern that he really needs to see the doctor about it. Then why did you kick him?
— Naoto is reading some news article about a prince, so Aoi goes all rawr rawr feminism on us: “What’s so great about a story where the girl has to rely on a man to live happily ever after?” Hey, it’s not like I disagree with her. Hell, she’s preaching to the choir. I just laugh because, uh, this is Rail Wars!, where these girls’ happiness sure as hell do hinge upon the harem lead’s existence. It’s just one of those “Are you kidding me?” moments. Say what you will, Aoi, but nobody buys your bullshit.
— But yeah, this week’s episode involves some fancy prince from a foreign country. But as you can already tell from the picture at the top of this post, this prince ain’t got no balls. She sounds like a perfect match for Naoto, actually.
— Naoto says, “Whatever guy tries to seduce you, Sakurai, is in for a lot of pain.” Then for some reason, he and Aoi stare into each other’s eyes awkwardly. Okay then.
— Even though Sho is in this scene, there’s nothing to say about ’cause he doesn’t say or do anything. Anything important, that is. The guy spends the majority of the scene polishing his rod. Yeah, really. Again, I’m not sure why he’s even in this show.
— Later that day, Naoto’s about to meet a prince, but instead, he blushes as a train arrives at its station. So Rail Wars! is a harem, but at the same time, it’s an impotent harem (of course, what harem isn’t impotent?) because the harem lead is too busy getting turned on by trains. You can’t make this shit up.
— Traps almost always sound and look like girls, huh? But the hilarious part is that reverse traps almost always sound and look like girls too! At least Yu Kashima actually looks somewhat androgynous, but she’s not pretending to be a reverse trap.
— Prince Bernina. Her name is Prince fucking Bernina. You’re not even trying.
— And like Naoto, our “prince” blushes as sh–… I mean, he rubs against a train. Only in anime.
— Lots of train talk follows. As always, I just tune these scenes out. When I say I want this show to have less fanservice and be more about trains, I didn’t literally mean the anime should tell me stuff like how “the DF51, the greatest diesel engine on narrow-gauge railways, runs on the non-electrified sections.” Man, I don’t care about that shit. Rather, when I first heard about Rail Wars!, this was the first thing that caught my attention: “On top of that, an extremist group called “RJ” plots to privatize the Japanese National Railways.” So tell me… have we gotten a single episode that even comes remotely close the sentence I just quoted?
— So even though Prince Bernina isn’t from this country, “[t]he JNR engines have a special place in [his] heart.” Sounds legit to me.
— Seeing a kindred train otaku spirit in Naoto, Prince Bernina pounces all over the guy. Gosh, this is awkward! Hugging a man and all, that is! Oh, if only you were a girl, Bernina-kun!
— Naoto: “You’re really good at Japanese, Bernina.” C’mon, dude. Every damn foreigner in anime lately is fluent in Japanese. But it turns out Haruka used to know Bernina from their childhood! And Haruka taught Bernina how to speak Japanese fluently (sure). So uh, does Haruka know about Bernina’s true gender? Ooops, I forget we’re not supposed to talk about that yet!
— Apparently, Haruka used to study overseas in England. Okay. Look how seriously she looks though as she says, “Really, that’s all.” Like she really, really doesn’t want Naoto to get the wrong idea, i.e. Haruka and Bernina share a special boy-girl bond. Naoto’s oblivious as fuck, though, so it’s not like he even cares if Haruka’s close to another guy or not. He casually tries to take his leave, but then Haruka pulls that stunt that every fucking female anime character does. Y’know, they grab onto a corner of your shirt and like that’s supposed to be cute or something. But really, Naoto-kun, Haruka isn’t lying! Bernina means nothing to her! NOTHING! I mean, we wouldn’t want to offend the harem lead. This does seem to suggest that Haruka thinks Bernina’s a boy…
— We cut to a not-so-subtle ass shot of Aoi. That skirt does not look comfortable, especially since it looks like it’s made of rubber.
— Aoi spotted someone looking suspicious, so being the action hero girl that she is, she’s in hot pursuit of the perp. She swears she’s doing this to protect Naoto. Uh, awkward. Anyway, she misses the train as a result of this. I don’t know why Naoto looks so distraught over this, though. I guess he’s concerned about her? But she’s always proven she can handle herself so…
— Who doesn’t knock before they enter a room? But had he knocked, then we wouldn’t get to see this delicious shot of Haruka’s blurry ass behind a layer of pantyhose. Oh boy, Rail Wars! bringing out the big guns!
— It… it doesn’t even look like he’s looking at her as he’s speaking. Actually, what the fuck is he staring at? This is kinda creepy!
— So basically, Sho will stay in his room and wait for trouble to rear its ugly head. At the same time, Haruka will be in Bernina’s room to act as a decoy. Did you really have to put a girl inside Bernina’s room, though? Why couldn’t you put the more capable Sho in Bernina’s room? As for Bernina… naturally, the harem lead will hang out with the prince “all night for protection.” Everything’s clear for take off…
— Bernina’s location is supposed to be a secret, right? But despite this, Naoto knocks loudly on the prince’s cabin door, saying “Bernina” loudly. Good job, bro.
— When he opens the door, he finds that the prince is missing! Oh dear! Did someone abscond with our royalty?!
— Naoto: “What is this, a suspense thriller? Who attacks another person on a train?” I know, right? Who does that!
— But it’s a false alarm, guys. The prince is fine; the prince is just busy drooling over the train.
— Oh hey, Mari is here too. I feel like she’s a stalker.
— Bernina continues to cause a ruckus because the prince wants to explore the train. Welp. She’s a reverse trap and she’s spoiled.
— Eventually, Naoto does manage to corral the prince, but this episode is just full of great animation, I’m hardly paying any attention to the story.
— The prince eventually wishes to take a shower, but first, Naoto must promise not to peep. We all know he will, so this is all for naught anyway. Plus, isn’t it just goddamn sad that the harem lead will inevitably peep on a showering girl? It happens all the time that we’ve come to accept it. We’ve come to just accept the fact that the main character will violate the girl’s privacy. But first, Naoto is quick to point out that he’s not gay: “I’m not about to peep on a guy showering.” C’mon, guys, no homo! Let me make this very clear! NO. HOMO.
— Just earlier, Bernina was like, “Well, I’m fifth in line to succeed the crown, so unless something terrible happens, I won’t be king.” Then what do we see next? A news report saying how “[a] car carrying the King of Atela and four members of the royal family was in an accident today.” This is such bad storytelling, it’s farcical.
— But this is apparently news that Bernina needs to hear right away. Like right away. I mean, sure, who doesn’t want to know their family had gotten in an accident? But Naoto couldn’t wait until the prince had gotten out of the shower? Really? She’s stuck on a train. It’s not like she can do anything about the situation. The guy can afford to wait and not walk in on a naked person, girl or otherwise.
— But he’s the harem lead, so of course he can’t wait. That face, though…
— But first, we must stare at a set of bra and panties. Yo, maybe the prince just likes to wear women’s bra and panties. Are you kink-shaming, bro? Are you kink-shaming?! I can’t even! I literally can’t even!
— Naoto wonders if he’s in the wrong room: “The doors look so similar!” Yeah, sure, dude. He then fantasizes that it’s Haruka’s room. And because it’s Haruka’s room, she would come out of the shower with nothing but a towel on. But then he snaps back to reality when Bernina calls out to him from behind the shower door.
— Bernina manages to faint in the shower (she apparently heard the news about her family in the shower), and this forces the harem lead to kick down the door and carry the naked prince out of the shower. Scandalous.
— When he finally sees that Bernina is actually a girl, I love how soft piano music starts to play. You’ve discovered this girl’s secret! She’s naked before you! She’s completely vulnerable and defenseless! Time for a romantic piano piece to play, uguu…
— Um, this… this doesn’t look right… Oh wait, it’s just anime, so all girls are nipple-less.
— Our harem lead proceeds to rub the girl down with a towel, because he wouldn’t want her to stay wet and catch a cold. I’d say throw a big towel on her, but again, this is anime. Have you seen the towels in anime? They’re hardly towels at all. They may as well be tissue. Except this guy.
— Bernina stays unconscious until Naoto tries to leave and get Haruka. Then magically, the girl wakes up and tells him to stay. Why? Because even Haruka knows nothing about Bernina’s secret. Aw, don’t you feel special now, harem lead?
— Good lord, what do you fucking think?
— Well, since Naoto couldn’t promise not to peep, he can now promise not to reveal Bernina’s secret to the world.
— Sho wonders why the harem lead didn’t invite Haruka to get some coffee. According to Naoto, Haruka didn’t answer when he knocked, so he just left her alone. Uh, isn’t she the decoy? Shouldn’t he worry that something might have happened to her? Oh right, right, we’re only allowed to worry about one haremette at a time. Anything more would just frazzle the guy’s tiny brain.
— All of a sudden, this bald guy brazenly walks into the dining room to try and attack the prince. But because this is lame ass anime about trains, this assassin didn’t even bring a gun. Instead, he has a stun gun. A stun gun. This has got to be the worst assassin I’ve ever seen.
— But despite the threat on their lives, Naoto tells Sho not to hurt the assassin.
— Another assassin shows up, and he too is equipped with nothing but a stun gun. But just look at how heroically Naoto endures the shock attack. What a beast! What reverse trap wouldn’t wet her panties over that?
— Somehow, our harem lead continues to talk quite lucidly as the stun gun is up against his goddamn neck. His neck!
— But he’s just a lame-o harem lead, so he eventually goes down. I just didn’t expect to get an ahegao in this week’s episode of Rail Wars!
— Out of nowhere, Aoi shows up to knee the bad guy in the face and save Naoto’s ass. She still feels the need to praise the harem lead, though. Good job, harem lead, for eating those stun gun attacks like a chump.
— And with that, we’ve come to end of this week’s episode. Just fantastic. Just another truly fantastic episode of Rail Wars!