Sure, why not! After all, Akame ga Kill! aims to deliver by giving us the same boring nonsense over and over. So, uh, what else is new?
— Like always, the bad guys are stupidly evil: “Feeble pigs, simply existing to be exploited. Wine bought with citizen taxes sure is delicious.” Of course, I hardly expect this anime to be subtle, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s stupid. In any case, Chelsea, disguised as a maid, quickly assassinates him. She then asks, “What the hell kind of message did he even want?” It’s like the show is elbowing you, going, “Hey, hey, did you realize he wanted something sexual? Didja? Didja?!”
— Wave and Kurome immediately show up, but they’re too late. Chelsea quickly disguises herself as a pet cat, because this evil bad guy just happens to have a basket full of cats. Literally a basket full of cats.
— Apparently, all the new Danger Beasts have been exterminated. Man, when did that even happen? It’s just too bad we had to waste valuable time with Tatsumi and Esdeath on a tropical island.
— Leone: “Maybe they’d leave us alone if we just gave them Tatsumi…” Do it. I dare you.
— Even Tatsumi’s allies are like, “Why didn’t you just leave her there?” Dudes, she was nice to him! Mass murderer she might be, but it would’ve been rude to just leave her!
— Holy shit, our “heroes” are dumb as fuck. Najenda reasons that Esdeath would’ve eventually escaped anyway, so it’s somehow better for Tatsumi to clear his “debt” to her. Otherwise, when they fight, he might not be able to, uh, give it his all? Again — a-fucking-gain — she’s a mass murderer. But uguu, I can’t go all out on a mass murderer because I unfairly left her on a tropical island! Seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with you people?
— Najenda might be the leader of the group, but she’s only in her mid-twenties. That’s as old as it gets! But it gets even better, ’cause Esdeath is even younger!
— Tatsumi then gets beaten up for implying that he thought Najenda was older. What’s that? You never ask a woman how old she is? Boy, that joke never gets old! Women are so fragile and insecure about their age, right guys? Right?!
— Najenda then says they’ll take their first step to overthrow the corrupt government. The first step? What have we been doing this entire time?!
— Oh lord, the show has a new OP. But why now? More importantly, why do we get one after a throwaway beach episode? Seriously.
— Elsewhere, Seryu sics her pet on some desperate bandits. It isn’t censored, but it may as well be censored if it’s going to look like this:
— Wave is troubled by Seryu’s actions. He also realizes that the Capital is more fucked up than he initially thought. But he then says, “I’m simply going to carry out my duties as a soldier.” What an idiot. They’re all idiots. Is there even a single redeemable character in this show? Wave’s supposed to be Tatsumi’s foil, but he doesn’t really have a good reason to be where he is.
— This animation.
— Najenda tells her group that some religious group will lead an armed uprising. Uh-huh. You’ll excuse me if I don’t find that very believable. Plus, we’ve seen countries full of powerful warriors get completely wiped out by Esdeath. Somehow, the third time will be the charm? Our heroes are somehow convinced that with the help of the Revolutionary Army, things will be different this time. I thus can’t help but wonder why they didn’t help the previous resistances.
— Tatsumi whines that an uprising like this will lead to the deaths of many people. Uh, it’s called a revolution. What do you expect? The comically evil bad guys you’re up against to just fold if you assassinate a few important ministers and government officials?
— In fact, he suggest they stop the religious uprising.
— A bunch of not-so-compelling battle strategy talk commences. Really, it’s just Najenda moving some pieces around on a giant map and telling her allies that the plan will work. They underestimate us! We’re stronger than they think! Too bad Esdeath is a giant Mary Sue that would make even Tatsuya of Mahouka blush…
— The best part is how she thinks there’s going to be a bunch of repeated surrenders without bloodshed.
— In the middle of all this fighting, Night Raid will supposedly infiltrate the Capital itself and assassinate Honest. I like how all this strategic planning seems to make no mention of how they’ll deal with Esdeath.
— Blah blah blah, assassinate a spy within said religious group, and also lure the Jaegers out to kill them. Tatsumi is all determined and shit to kill his enemies, and just like that, Chelsea is already in love with the guy. She’s barely been onscreen at all, but hey, that bland shounen charm is just too hard to resist. So first Esdeath, and now Chelsea. Who’s up next? Akame? Mine? C’mon, don’t be shy! Let’s just turn this shit into a veritable harem while we’re at it!
— Naturally, when the scene comes to an end, we cut to Esdeath ’cause we just gotta keep this harem train going. She continues to be all bummed out and everything over Tatsumi. The best part? She’s staring at this shitty drawing of the guy. Normally, the harem lead is a badass Gary Stu or something, but truth be told, Tatsumi is just not that impressive. What has he even accomplished since this show started?
— Some voiceover tries to act as though Night Raid and the Jaegers are just two different groups “with… differing ideologies, principles, and goals…” On the one hand, you have Night Raid’s “save the world” mindset. On the other hand, you have the Jaeger’s “defend the rich so they can exploit the poor some more” mindset. Ah, what we have here is truly a battle of compelling ideologies.
— What a clown show.
— Najenda receives invaluable information that Esdeath and her band of weirdos are on the move. She thus turns to Mine and Akame and tell those two girls to continue attracting attention. Like literally attract attention:
We’re taking our first steps towards overthrowing the government, you guys! You just have to frolic on the beach in your bathing suit. Apparently, last week’s episode wasn’t enough to whet our appetite.
— Plus, why would this even work? Seriously? Why on earth would this plan even work? Night Raid has eluded discovery for so long, wouldn’t it be painfully obvious that they’re setting up a trap if they are suddenly attracting attention like this? Again, everyone in this show is just incredibly stupid.
— When Tatsumi continues to be his predictably wholesome self, Lubbock accuses him of being gay. Hah, classy!
— But because Tatsumi isn’t drooling all over the girls, they are desperate for his attention: “Tatsumi, which bikini do you prefer, Chelsea’s or mine?” But what does our boy hero do? He praises Susanoo’s muscles. Hey, the guy did idolize Bulat…
— So much for all that serious military planning just a few minutes ago. We’re back to stupid fluff already.
— Elsewhere, the camera pans longingly across Akame’s scantily-clad body, but the story would want you to believe she’s really sad about her upcoming fight against her sister. Sure, sure. Even when there’s character development, Akame ga Kill! has to do it in the skeeviest way possible.
— Even though our Mary Sue realizes her group is stumbling into a trap, she still splits her group anyway. Still, it looks like people are going to die soon. If you’re not a filthy manga reader, start taking bets now on who dies next. I say Chelsea since she’s fallen in love with Tatsumi so ridiculously fast.
— Goddamn, are we uncomfortably close to these horses’ hind quarters are what? What the fuck.
— Mine tries to assassinate Kurome from afar, but the latter magically dodges the shot. The rest of Night Raid come out of hiding, however, to confront Akame’s sister and Bols. Wave got stupidly knocked back to god knows where. But like Tatsumi, I’m sure he’ll have plot armor on for quite some time. I don’t expect him to die until the story is nearly over.
— Doesn’t this look like an unfair fight? Well, it’s not, because Kurome can somehow summon zombies from the ground to do her bidding. They’re apparently corpses in her collection. Somehow, they just travel along with her wherever she goes, then when she needs them, they go underground just so they can make a dramatic entrance. This includes a giant skeleton of some Danger Beast.
— Tune in next week for, well, the actual fight, because we were too busy ogling girls in their swimsuits.