Before we begin, let me get something off my chest real quick. Some people seem to desperately want this show to be a parody. Like maybe the world would be less ugly if Cross Ange turned out to be a parody or something. Sure, it’s self-aware. Yeah, Sunrise is winking at us. But y’know, a parody actually has to be clever, a tiny bit thought-provoking, and perhaps even a little funny. Is there really anything clever, thought-provoking or funny about anything that you’re about to see? At the end of the day, what difference does it make whether or not the show’s winking at the audience? Seriously, think about it. Let’s do a thought experiment. One show has lesbian rape, and another show has lesbian rape, but its director is winking at you. Is the second show somehow better? Is it somehow redeemed? Don’t be fooled. It’s still trash either way. It doesn’t fucking mean anything if all he does is wink. Again, a parody should actually be clever, thought-provoking, and funny. Otherwise, you’re no different from that asshole who throws cheap insults at someone, then when people dare to get offended, he goes, “Bro, chill out! I’m just joking!” My point is, you can call this a self-aware parody all you want, but it doesn’t mean anything unless the anime has a point to make. I’m not seeing that point. As such, I’m going to blog Cross Ange like I would with any other anime.
— “These [are] the massive, hostile creatures who traverse space-time, known as ‘DRAGON.'” Oh, is that what they are called? I had no idea what these giant, flying lizard creatures were.
— Ange foolishly believes her empire will actually send a release order for her. This has got to be the dumbest character in recent anime history.
— Right off the bat, we get some yuri action in about the trashiest way possible. The taller girl even licks her lips in anticipation of “meeting” Ange. What? Did you think the sexual assaults would be limited to just the first episode and the first episode alone?
— One girl tells the captain to take it easy with the skinship: “We get complaints about how hard you ‘massage’ the newcomers.” Welp.
— Ange’s stupidity doesn’t stop there. After being introduced to her squadron or whatever, she asks, “Are these all Norma?” Later, she calls them defects. I get it. You hate Normas. And I hate bears. Do you know what I don’t do? I don’t go up to a bear and insult it to its face. Get my drift? Probably not.
— Oh, so that’s her excuse: “The Light of Mana just doesn’t reach this far.” It’s like cell phone coverage! She just has a shitty provider like Verizon or something!
— In fact, the story feels like a broken record at this point. Ange will say or do something condescending or just plain stupid, then someone will proceed to put the princess in her place. Cross Ange is trying so hard to make us hate its heroine that it’s beginning to make me wonder…
— Case in point, Ange refuses to wear her rider suit. In her infinite wisdom, Ange claims she’d rather be naked than wear something so revealing. She thus gets her comeuppance when Salia forces her to go naked. Gee, didn’t see that one coming!
— Again, the story is trying so hard to make you hate Ange. Apparently, she can’t even dress herself. My only question is why. Why would you write a character like this? How is any of this interesting or funny? Rather, it’s like we have this sick need to put “this haughty bitch” in her place or something. We therefore make her as dumb as possible because this will maximize our enjoyment for when she repeatedly gets her comeuppance.
— Elsewhere, we learn that Jill is an amputee. Probably lost it to a dragon or something.
— With her new rider suit, we now get to see Ange go through a a training simulation. None of the girls think our princess will get it down, but that’s where they’re wrong. It turns out this simulation is so similar to that sport that she plays back home, so of course, she’s a fucking natural at piloting her mecha too! And just a few minutes ago, she couldn’t even dress herself. Amazing!
— When Ange is assigned to her dorm room, she immediately starts to imagine herself back at home. Eventually, she tells her dearest maid to fetch her horse, but when she turns to look at the maid, she finds herself back in her oh-so-cruel reality.
I can just imagine some people cackling with glee as they watch this scene. This doesn’t feel like a parody. It feels like a hateful story that’s relishing in Ange’s pain and misery.
— A training montage follows, but it’s not even animated.
— But we learn that somehow, just somehow, Ange is above average in every important category. C’mon, what sixteen-year-old girl doesn’t have a deep understanding of military theory?
— Ange gets picked on some more in a scene at the cafeteria, then afterwards, she gains an admirer. She regales said admirer with stories about her perfect Mana-filled world. Oh, there’s no violence! There’s no discrimination! Yeah, seriously.
— Shit hits the fan, however, when Zola isn’t satisfied after a sweaty sex session with one of the other girls. Welp, you know where this is headed. It’s all part of the “condescension > comeuppance” cycle that we’ve been seeing all episode long. Hell, all series long, if you think about it.
— Y’see, Ange’s admirer had given our princess a cup of pudding, but for some reason, Ange accepted it only to throw it away later. Now that you’re all mad at Ange for shitting on that little girl’s feelings, you’re less likely to feel as bad when the captain rapes her!
— And oh yeah, Ange bought a pen and pencil just to write an invocation of her entitlements as royalty as well as a petition for her release. No, seriously. We really, really want you to hate this girl. Therefore, Zola drags the girl off to a room to, well, rape her. What else did you think she would do?
— It’s all censored, of course. Otherwise, we’d have to sit through some awkward breast-groping. But hey, buy the blu-ray to see this sexual assault in all its glory!
— Fortunately, dragons attack, so Zola has to back off. Yeah, really, the only thing stopping Ange’s rape was literally dragons. Is this still a parody to you guys? Hell, it’ll become borderline softcore porn when the blu-rays come out.
— Naturally, Ange tries to escape in her mecha as soon as she’s outside the confines of the prison. C’mon, you shoulda seen that coming. What else did you think she would do? Still, does the princess even know where to fly to? Naturally, it’s a poorly thought-out plan.
— But again, we have that cycle all over again. Remember Ange’s admirer? Yeah, she now wants to escape along with the princess! But because they broke formation, that extradimensional portal opens up right above the girl, and a lightning strike rips the admirer in half:
And it’s all Ange’s fault! The show wants you to hate Ange so much, it’s pathetic. But with that, the episode comes to an end. Thank god.
— Oh man, don’t forget that this story will include a male love interest. I can’t wait for when he shows up.