Right off the bat, Moffle comes charging at Kanye and gripes, “In the twenty-nine years since this park was established, we have never taken a day off without advance notice! That’s how we’ve built up the trust of our customers.” Isn’t that hilarious, though? The trust of their customers? Well, where are these fuckers, then? ‘Cause we’ve been following Kanye for a few days now, and I don’t see the fucking return business. In fact, let’s go even further. I bet Moffle and company probably think the park still has a decent reputation. Oh, it hasn’t got a bad reputation! People have simply forgotten about Amagi Brilliant Park! The truth is, the Amagi Development Group only appears evil, because their goals are undesirable. But they’ve been telling these idiots the truth for a long time now, and that is that the theme park is a dump. Lo and behold, Fiddy Cent and Queen Latifah have recruited Kanye just to tell them the exact same advice they’ve been getting all this time! The only difference is that Kanye doesn’t want to repurpose the land that place is sitting on. But as you watch this anime, it becomes quite apparent that you’re witnessing some kind of theme park from hell.
Once Kanye starts having a meeting to discuss the various changes he wants to implement, the whole organization reveals itself to be a complete clown show. The park apparently doesn’t open at night. What kind of amusement park doesn’t open at night?! And the sad thing is, the mascots have nothing but excuses and backtalk in response to Kanye’s advice. Boo hoo, the place isn’t equipped to open past sunset. Then fix it! They’ve had years to fix it, and yet, they’ve sat on their asses and done nothing. But the problems don’t stop there. The park also has weekly holidays. And of all the days to close on, they close on Fridays. I could somewhat understand closing on a Monday, but a Friday? Holy hell, who made this boneheaded decision? No wonder the place is failing. These workers have pride, but no work ethic. How does that even work? In fact, they’ve known for a while now that if they don’t hit a certain visitor count, they’ll all be out of a job. For the less unfortunate, they’ll even cease to exist! And yet, they’ve continued to have weekly holidays and do nothing about the fact that the park can’t open at night. It doesn’t make any goddamn sense.
Worst of all, they charge customers to see the attractions within the park. You already have to pay a fee to access this dump, but once you get inside, they nickel and dime you even harder. The funniest part is how these guys are in the hospitality business, but none of the mascots seem to give one shit about the customers: “If we do it even once, our guests will never want to pay again.” No wonder no one wants to come back. Even if I want to bring my family to the place, I have no idea how much I’ll end up spending by the end of the day. Will I be seeing this attraction or that attraction? Oops, sorry kids! Dad only brought enough money for x amount of attractions! Guess we’ll just have to cut our day short! The thing is, these guys are stuck in a rut. They’ve done the same thing for so long, they’re afraid of change. The park has been opened for twenty-nine years. I certainly don’t need to tell you guys that twenty-nine years is a long time for anything to exist, much less a theme park. As such, you have to learn to move with the times. In fact, it would be incredibly useful if Kanye actually rounded them all up, and took them to another theme park.
Hell, these guys don’t even need to go to another theme park. Visit Nintendo. Or visit Toyota. It doesn’t matter. Go anywhere, and it will soon become clear that 99% of the successful businesses out there never sit still. You have to update. You have to innovate. You have to change with the times. You can’t just sit there and expect your park to be a hit. Customers move on too, so you have to attract new customers. None of this is even complicated business shit. You don’t need an MBA to realize this. It’s all common sense. But with a mere two months away from shutdown, all the workers can do is bitch and moan about Kanye’s suggestions. They’re stuck in a metaphorical time capsule. But you can’t place the blame solely on the workers. Every team needs a leader, and it’s clear that Amagi Brilliant Park hasn’t had one for a long time. Everyone might say that Queen Latifah is their leader, but it’s quite obvious that — like the crown that she wears on her head — she’s nothing more than a figurehead. In reality, the place has been run by committee for a long time. No leader means no clear vision. No clear vision means nothing gets done. Nothing gets done means we’re out of a fucking job.
Things go from bad to worse when an ornery family insults Moffle’s pride, so he beats up the dad. And hell, he was going to turn on the mom too had Kanye not stopped him. In the end, like a Men In Black special agent, Fiddy Cent had to erase the family’s memories. The only difference is that she does it by capping their asses with memory-wiping bullets. Oh, that Fiddy Cent! Sadly, because it’s the Fumoffu bear, Moffle doesn’t get fired. The merciful Kanye decides to give the asshole mascot another chance, but personally, I would’ve sacked him. Instead, Kanye has a more devilish plan. Remember, this is a KyoAni anime. So sure, last week’s episode had to lay the foundation for the story, so it couldn’t really afford to goof off. But now that that’s all said and done, bring on the fanservice. And holy hell, is there a lot of fanservice. There’s no doubt that what we see here is meant to make up for that swimming anime. But let’s just be honest with ourselves: Free! simply flips the gender on us. All of a sudden, it’s now the guys who are parading themselves onscreen like the hunks of beefy meat that they are. Gee, I wonder why some people are so uncomfortable with that.
It’s hilarious how this scene just keeps going and going. Oh, what are they doing, you ask? They’re filming a quick commercial to advertise the fact that the park attractions now cost only 30 yen! And of course, this short promotional video needs a bunch of super sexy moe girls to wear nothing but mega-skimpy bikinis. As an aside, Queen Latifah is a pettanko in this universe. The more you know! Anyway, our girls then proceed to bounce up and down for the camera for a gratuitous length of time. Kanye keeps nitpicking the girls’ performance, because it’s KyoAni’s cheeky way to extend the scene. Wait, I thought this was a family park. Is this really the sort of thing that will bring the desired customers to the park? Or will it attract a different clientele instead? It turns out, however, that it’ll hardly bring in any customers. But that’s apparently the belabored point Kanye is trying to make. He’s willing to do anything even if it means he will only get one extra visitor by the end of the day. Meanwhile, the mascots bitch about staying open at night. The lesson here is pretty obvious. A humbled Moffle thus can’t say anything. He simply goes and does his job.
Still, Moffle is predictably mad that Queen Latifah had participated in the ad in the first place. There are apparently reasons why Latifah shouldn’t leave the safe confines of the hanging garden. Something bad even happens to her at the end of the episode. But seeing as how she is by far the least interesting character on this show to me, I’m not even going to bother doing any speculation. I’ll just add, however, that she is Moffle’s niece. And not only that, she looks like his older sister or something. Shrug. All in all, I still think the drama in this story is a bit too forced, and of course, the fanservice does nothing for me. But shrug, there are worse shows to watch this season, so I guess I didn’t mind this episode too much. Most of all, at least our heroes have an objective from day to day. It’s not just a bunch of people doing random shit for an entire season. It’s just too bad this anime isn’t really a horror story instead. I can just imagine it: Five Nights at Amagi Brilliant Park! Oh, during the day, everything’s all nice and cheerful, and you have hot moe babes to ogle. But at night, the various mascots turn evil and stalk the park grounds for victims. Anyone they catch will be killed and stuffed in an empty mascot suit. C’mon, that sounds like an awesome anime!
Oh, and is anyone else disappointed that Kanye hasn’t had to use his heart-listening powers all that much?