Alright, alright… let’s see how Kirito goes about wielding that dumb sword you see in the screenshot above.
— Yo, is Yui practically an extra party member or what? I don’t think other players have a tiny fairy loli telling them useful things like “He’s going to punch twice again!” I mean, it’s cheating. The developers should’ve banned Kirito and his friends a long time ago.
— The fight is dumb anyway, because you just have a bunch of melee DPS throw themselves at the boss and it somehow works. Whereas Log Horizon will drone on and on about strategy and tactics, SAO is brawn, brawn, and more brawn. That’s putting it nicely, too. To put it meanly, the show’s dumb as shit. But don’t get me wrong. Neither anime gets it right. Log Horizon is as dull as SAO is stupid.
— The boss himself doesn’t fare much better. He’s pretty limited in his moveset. All I’ve seen so far are some punches and ice breaths. SAO might not have a bunch of pointless narration, but it doesn’t have much imagination either. Thrym doesn’t summon any adds or interact with the environment in any way. He doesn’t do anything befitting of a raid’s final boss. He just attacks head-on like the group of adventurers fighting him.
— Kirito gives both Klein and Leafa a look, and they just know what he wants to do. Of course they do! They’re just melees! Unfortunately, when the boss’s attack pattern changes, the frontliners all manage to get themselves frozen in place by an ice breath. Gee, it would’ve been nice if someone had taken one for the team and decided to be a mage, huh? In fact, in most games, melee DPS are at a disadvantage. Everyone wants ranged DPS because they don’t die like idiots. Hell, there’s a recurring joke in Final Fantasy XIV that dragoons do nothing but die. A lot of MMOs try to balance this out by having the melee DPS do more damage, but even then, it’s only worth the trade-off like half of the time.
— I also like how they’re all on one side of the boss. You’d think one of these melees would’ve tried to flank the giant already, since most of his devastating moves are frontal AOE. If he ain’t facing you, he can’t damage you! Not only that, if you draw the boss’s attention, you also draw it away from the rest of the group! But hey, strategy and tactics are, like, difficult, man. Even something as basic as flanking the boss. Kirito’s group of adventurers is supposedly the best of the best, but they’re still dumb as shit.
— Kirito tells Sinon to buy the melees thirty seconds. As a result, we get to see an archer go into melee range of the boss. Come on… Why does kicking Thrym in the face even faze him? He’s a fucking giant. He should just shrug off an archer’s kick. After all, archers shouldn’t be able to kick well! More importantly, I’ve never seen a boss grunt and get knocked back as much as this asshole. In fact, if Kirito’s team was actually smart, it sounds like they could just stunlock the giant into submission.
— Freyja then tells Kirito that Thrym can’t be beaten normally. Instead, they need to utilize her family treasure. But what basically happens is that the rest of the group just stands off to the side in order to have a conversation. What is the boss doing? Shrug. Probably still shaking off the effects of getting kicked by Sinon’s dainty legs.
— Yep, we briefly see Sinon dodging Thrym’s attacks, distracting the giant all by herself. The boss doesn’t even give a fuck about the rest of the group. Now, imagine if one of them had been a tank, and the rest were ranged DPS… but no, we need a golden hammer this big to beat the boss! The funny thing is, it doesn’t even look like Sinon’s having any trouble evading damage. So what the fuck is Freyja talking about with the whole “You can’t beat the boss this way!” Yeah, you can’t because the majority of them are stupid melees.
— Freyja’s family treasure? It’s literally just this amalgamation of gold. Yeah, just one giant mass of gold.
— Here’s Kirito using a lightning skill. And by shocking the treasure, the treasure is now… uh, a darker gold…? Hell, not even. Good job, boys!
— Kirito finds the hammer and chucks it at Freyja. When she catches it, she starts going berserk. Klein’s true love then turns into this bearded giant. Yeah, it’s Thor. And yeah, ain’t nobody allowed to have any hot anime babes except Kirito. The only “girl” to show Klein any attention just happens to be a dude.
— Why are they both crouched like that?
— Sinon: “While Thor has aggro, let’s attack!” Hey look, this show does have the concept of aggro! One of us should play a class that specializes in drawing the enemy’s aggro, thereby allowing the rest of the party to–… Fuck it, let’s all be DPS.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing, babe!? I need a healer to cup my balls!
— This is literally the extent of Kirito’s leadership. Throw more dots, everyone! Use your skills! Really? I should use my fucking skills? Are you sure?
— Klein hasn’t quite recovered from the shock of his waifu turning into a man.
— Other than Sinon, everyone attacks the same way. Basically, the rest of them all run in and perform a melee attack. So fucking boring. Hell, Silica supposedly has a pet dragon, but where is it?
— They look like a pair of angry birds.
— Before Thrym dies, he tells the adventurers not to lower their guard around Asgard. Nevertheless, I thought someone said Sinon would do something cool. Turns out it was just bullshit.
— As thanks for being the bottom, Klein gets to have Thor’s golden hammer… I don’t know, maybe it’s a symbol of how Klein got hammered. Just look at the dinky way the hammer is drawn, though. It’s got this tiny-ass handle that looks like it can snap off at any moment. The show does nothing to make the hammer look cool. Hell, it does nothing to make Klein look cool. He receives a new weapon, but it’s done in about the most ho-hum way possible. Why not position the camera below the guy to at least make him seem imposing?
— But wait! We still need to obtain Excaliber so that Kirito can look cool!
— But if you think there’s any sense of urgency here, you’re dead wrong. Look at these guys just staring at a set of stairs. They don’t start moving unless Kirito announces, “Let’s go!” Come on.
— Then they get down the stairs… and stare some more! But look at those tiny stairs. So basically, they had to climb down one-by-one, then spread out in a line. After all, nobody can do anything unless Kirito gives the go-ahead!
— Kirito actually apologizes to Excaliber for not showing up sooner? Haha, okay. By the way, don’t even bother asking why it’s just assumed that Kirito gets the sword. Of course he does.
— After some awkward grunting, our harem lead finally manages to whip his golden dong out of its prison. Congrats, dude. You’ve totally earned it.
— The entire dungeon falls apart, but Klein still got to embarrass himself one last time before they all ride the platform they’re on down to the ground. It’s like he’s getting punishment for even daring to think he could bag a girl like Freyja.
— Oh shit, we’re in grave danger! I’ll protect you, baby! Yeah, that’s right, he’s cradling Excaliber in his arms, because Excaliber doesn’t have a sharp edge, I guess. Asuna? Who? Oh right, my girlfriend! Well, I’m sure she’s fine…
— Right on cue, Tonkii shows up to save everyone. I mean, who didn’t see this coming as soon as they started falling?
— Kirito suddenly accepts his limitations and throws Excaliber away? Haha, okay. Apparently, he can’t make the jump to Tonkii if he’s cradling his golden dong. I like how bummed out he is about it, though. My e-sword!
— But Sinon wasn’t about to let her man lose his manhood! So she shoots a magical rope at the golden dong, and pulls it back to Kirito. Wow, what a haremette!
— Are you serious? That was the cool shit that Sinon got to do? Talk about lame. At the end of the day, her one “cool” move is just saving Kirito’s fucking penis extension.
— But before she hands it to him, she makes him promise her one thing: “Every time you draw this sword, remember me in your heart.” First of all, groan. As if these girls couldn’t worship the ground that Kirito walks on any harder. Secondly, she says this right in front of Asuna? The blatant disrespect!
— All Kirito can do is look sheepishly at the rest of his harem. And all they can do is frown because they’re haremettes, not real people with real agency!
— Naturally, Kirito can’t do anything about the fact that his harem is unhappy. Oh well, he can do the next best thing: take his rage out on Klein!
— Lisbeth: “That dungeon’s going to disappear just because we completed it once.” What a terrible MMO. Kirito’s group got a world first, and nobody else gets to even try the quest. Even Silica thinks it’s a waste.
— Well, this is Kirito’s world, after all. The idea that he and his friends are playing an MMO is nothing more than a conceit. Nobody else has any impact on this world. Normally, in any given MMO, multiple guilds will be earning achievements left and right, making a name for themselves. Taking down raid bosses, scoring a big win in a PVP battleground, crafting a legendary piece of equipment, etc. These are all things that can happen in any given MMO. But in this world, you never hear about that shit. No one has any impact on the world except Kirito. No one gets to do any meaningful quest except Kirito. Hell, just look at the other assholes! All they do is slaughter monsters over and over! Do Kirito and his band of mindless followers ever run into another group when they’re in a dungeon? Of course not! Now, you can argue that the dungeons are instanced, but even then, do Kirito and his band of mindless followers ever run into other adventurers on their way to a dungeon? Again, of course not. No one gets to do anything meaningful in this world except the Gary Stu. So I can only conclude that it’s not an MMO. This whole thing is just Kirito’s playground.
— Yeah, yeah… the frozen wasteland thaws, and plant life instantly appears. Kirito’s group has managed to change this world permanently. Sucks to be everyone else. You wake up one day and an entire quest zone has disappeared completely on you.
— Tonkii’s kind starts to cry out in happiness. What about the rest of the adventurers? And the rest of the giants? I guess they just said, “Fuck it! Let’s not kill these NPCs anymore!”
— Three NPC sisters show up to give their thanks and officially bestow the Excaliber to Kirito. Yawn.
— Klein stupidly yells out to one of them, asking for an NPC’s contact info. Uh, okay. She pities him by waving back, thereby raining dandruff all over the poor loser. That doesn’t stop Klein from embracing the dandruff anyway, because with Kirito hogging all of the female attention to himself, this is the best he can do.
— And that about does it for this shitty mini-arc. What’s that? Kirito installed a camera in the bar, and this allows Yui to feel like she can fly around in the real world? Well, the idea here is that he’s blurring the line between the real world and MMOs. Yui is becoming more and more like a real daughter everyday! Funny how this one crucial bit of information — something that actually has to do with the theme of taking MMOs seriously — is tucked away at the end of an arc, amounting to a paltry 1% of the story.
— During the credits, Kirito’s haremettes just kiss his ass some more. It’s pathetic. It’s so boring, the black guy in the back would rather just stand there and stare off into space.
— Best part is, Kirito isn’t even sitting next to or across from his waifu.