Fun fact: out of all the wonderful shows this season, Cross Ange gets the most views for this blog! Amazing, isn’t it? Don’t worry. Parasyte is in second place, and it’s followed by, uh, Madan no Ou to Vanadis. Yeah, I don’t even know about that one. Anime just works in mysterious ways. Anyway, enough small talk. Let’s dive into Cross Ange’s fifth and latest episode. I’m sure it’ll be quite the tour de force.
— If you’ve somehow forgotten — and there’s no way you could since this is such a brilliant anime — Hilda fucked with Ange’s Villkiss, ‘causing our former princess to plummet into the ocean. The next thing she knew, she was butt-naked in bed next to some dude. And oh yeah, her hands were bound at the wrists. Welp, that sounds innocent enough. Oh, I doubt very much that this wholesome bishie would have done anything untoward. I bet he just didn’t want her to thrash around too much in bed. She could’ve pulled a hamstring!
— Oh, he has pants on. That’s nice. He also says, “I tied you up just in case.” See? I was right!
— Dude then manages to slip on a bottle, landing his face right in Ange’s crotch. And of course, she doesn’t have her pants on, because they were obviously cutting off circulation to her legs.
— Hell, let’s look at a different angle while we’re at it! Sunrise knows exactly what the audience wants. I think most people’s instincts in this situation would be to close their legs, but Ange’s a hot anime babe, so…
— …she’ll settle with just kicking the guy after he’s gotten a good, long look.
— Ange proceeds to free herself without any trouble. I wonder why she didn’t do this from the start.
— Our heroine then grabs her uniform and runs off to find that the Villkiss had crash landed on a nearby beach. Unfortunately, it has no power. Ange checks to find that… yes, Hilda had fucked with her mecha by stuffing panties into the engine. Really now? Does it really have to be panties? Man, I wish I could’ve been in the room when they came up with that shit. Some poor intern probably said, “How ’bout a makeshift bomb?” Then the head writer replies, “No! Not sexy enough! We need maximum sexy!” And what’s sexier than soiled panties? Am I right or am I right? Then everyone in the room just nodded in agreement, because shit, Buddy Complex was so bad, they may as well throw caution to the wind.
— Shit, in case you had no idea what Hilda was probably feeling at the time she sabotaged the Villkiss, here you go!
— The bishie follows Ange all the way to beach, then tries to guilt trip her: “How could you? I saved our life–…” Dude, c’mon. You tied her up naked next to you.
— The bishie’s voice sounds… familiar… oh man, it’s Rin from Free!
— It doesn’t matter what anime it is. At the end of the day, the girl always accuses the guy of wanting to do “filthy and perverted things” to her. Cross Ange has been pretty trashy so far, but now that the male love interest has shown up, we gotta quickly return to our comfortable gender roles.
— Bishie: “You think I’d feel up an unconscious girl’s shapely breasts, or taste every inch of her vulnerable body, or use her to admire the mysterious female figure?”
— Then he faceplants into her crotch once more. This time, it happened because a crab pinched one of his toes. Shit, that’s not even the best part. When Ange falls on her back, her legs kick up like so. Hilarious stuff, Cross Ange. Hilarious stuff…
— You’d think that by now Ange would have just shot the guy. But nah, she finds some vines and ties the guy up.
— Elsewhere, we see Hilda take a dip in a nice, open-air pool. Pretty fancy digs for a bunch of Normas on a prison island. I mean, are these guys second class citizens or what? Well, they are, because they’re forced to fight dragons. Nevertheless, outside of the whole fighting dragons part, their lives seem pretty damn cushy.
— We then cut to Jill, Salia, and whatever. I haven’t learned all the girls’ names yet. Point is, Salia wants to recover the Villkiss, because she thinks it rightfully belongs to her. Is the mecha really that important? Is there a prophecy that says they can’t defeat the master dragon without it? I mean, before Ange had shown up, the Villkiss was just sitting in a hanger. So you can’t really tell me that they depend on it. Anyway, for some reason, Jill wants to recover Ange even if Ange is already dead. Now, why do you suppose Ange is so important to Jill?
— For some reason, Vivian just knows that Ange is still alive. It’s magic.
— Back on the island, a storm forces Ange away from her mecha. Hell, a lightning strikes a nearby tree, so what does Ange do? Take shelter under another tree. You can’t make this shit up.
— As if it wasn’t bad enough that the bishie could’ve raped her, she now gets bitten near her crotch by a serpent. Why exactly are we seeing this stuff? It’s like Ange has to now make a choice: be violated by a bishie or be violated by nature — which would you prefer?
— On another level, the heroine is inherently dependent upon the male love interest because she bleeds from her crotch. Needless to say, she crawls her way back to the bishie — and he’s still bound by those vines — and begs for his help.
— Like how when Ange was bound, the bishie easily frees himself from those vines, because he has a knife on him. You thus can’t help but wonder why he didn’t free himself earlier, especially when it started to fucking rain. But y’see, our bishie just wanted to be a good ol’ bishie, so if Ange wanted him to stay tied up, he would’ve stayed tied up!
— Yo, the last time I saw a snake bite a hot anime babe, the male love interest had to suck the venom out with his own mouth. Just sayin’…
— He’s doing it! He’s actually doing it! So this is the third time our bishie has found his face in the girl’s crotch, but hurr, he’s saving her life!! But seriously, this is just a sex scene. It’s hardly even a metaphor since he’s literally sucking away inches from her vagina. And the implications here are just as troubling as you’d expect them to be. He keeps shoving his face in her crotch and she keeps rejecting him. When she is in desperate need of help, however, she has no choice but to allow him to put his face back into her crotch. And of course, she’s supposed to be grateful afterwards.
— Oh good, he’s stripped her of her clothes again. But of course, we’re supposed to condone this shit because the guy doesn’t have a single perverted thought in his head. In fact, when he looks at her — more specifically, her ring — he is reminded of his dead fucking parents.
— Shit, Jill is in this flashback too.
— Ah, dude at least has the decency this time of putting a shirt on the girl. Where was this at the start of the anime?
— Bishie: “Just so you know, I’ve never done anything perverted to a girl that can’t move.” Well, that’s reassuring!
— Ange is hungry, so he feeds her. Shit, if the only thing you’ve ever seen is anime, you’d think that the way to a girl’s heart is through her stomach. Anyway, our former princess does the whole tsundere act. Uguu, it tastes like shit… and yet, she opens her mouth expectantly. Naturally, he feeds her sea snake soup. Coincidence? Probably not.
— In the middle of her feeding time, Ange finally realizes that his face was near her crotch again, but this time, she only bites him. So I guess it’s true love already.
— Elsewhere, the Normas are still wasting a lot of time and money trying to recover both Ange and the Villkiss. Again, it doesn’t seem quite consistent. Are these second class citizens with little to no money or what? How can they afford to waste fuel and manpower on such a rescue attempt?
— Ersha tells Hilda that she used to be a lot like Ange. Hilda’s response? “I’ll kill you, too.” Okay then.
— The next day, Ange finds the bishie repairing the mecha. He’s just an expert at it, because “bits and pieces of para-mail wash up here sometimes.” Ange asks why he just doesn’t use Mana. Oh, that’s right! Only girls are Normas… or so they say. Our bishie then introduces himself as Tusk. He then avoids her question. I wonder why he’s being so secretive about whether or not he’s a Norma. I mean, he must know she’s a Norma too, so… what’s the big deal?
— Tusk can at least fix the radio, but Ange believes no one would come for her. Heh. Tusk then takes the opportunity to invite the girl to stay with him “for a while.” Yeah, as if she has anywhere else to go. Nevertheless, the girl smiles at him. Hah, they’re already on friendly terms.
— Aaaaand it’s shitty insert song time.
— We then get a montage of the two spending time together on the island. It’s really quite lame. And of course, what montage is complete without the male love interest shoving his face into the girls’ crotch for the umpteenth time?
— We even have some stupid subversion of a familiar trope: instead of the guy spying on her as she bathes, she spies on him. Then he does the classic wet hair flip. The writers must think they’re hilarious.
— Oh good lord.
— The two were just about to kiss when they see this shit flying overhead. Yeah, that’s a dragon being transported to some unknown location for some unknown purpose. What’s going on, you ask? Oh man, wouldn’t you like to know? After all, this is a two-cours anime. Yeah, that’s right. This story will have plenty of twists and turns from here on out because it’s just the fifth episode out of twenty-plus-episode long series. We had Mahouka, we’re still dealing with SAO, and now, Cross Ange will accompany us into the new year. Shit, I wonder what the next two-cours trainwreck will be.
— The dragon that had caused Ange to crash into the ocean in the first place suddenly flies out from the jungle and after those transport ships. And somehow, this single dragon brings down the entire convoy. This is also hilarious.
— That same dragon is now after Ange and Tusk. Their only solution? Fix the Villkiss now!
— Cross Ange gives us the best angles.
— Luckily for Ange, Tusk manages to fix the Villkiss in just the nick of time. So after having the mecha shoot at the dragon, our heroine leaps onto the poor animal and just goes berserk. Her rage here is kind of fucked up.
— Ange then, uh, rubs her nipples afterwards? What? Seriously, what the fuck is she doing?
— After the gruesome deed has been done, our bishie wistfully concludes that the poor dragon just wanted to help its trapped friend return back to their world. Uh-huh. Why even bother trying to feel bad for the dragon after we just watched the heroine rip its throat to shreds?
— Tusk then tries to confess to the girl, but he gets interrupted by Vivian on the radio. It turns out Ange will be heading back to her prison island after all. As for Tusk?
— Man, he just runs off. Then as soon as he runs off, Ange’s friends immediately show up in a helicopter. C’mon, there’s no fucking way they didn’t see Tusk run off. No. Fucking. Way.
— Oh, so that’s where he went. What a fast runner. Dude then takes off in a vehicle of his own that he had stashed in another location on the island. I hesitate to say that it’s a para-mail, since it doesn’t really look like one. It’s kind of small.
— As for Ange, the rest of the girls are astonished to see how much nicer she is now. And all it took was a boy to tame Ange’s wild side! It’s like they sent her off to obedience school, and now she’s a good and proper… uh, heroine. Yeah.
— Somehow, Ange’s maid will show up on the island in next week’s episode if the previews are to be believed. Anyway, how did you like the bishie, you guys?! Wasn’t he the coolest? Don’t you wish he was a permanent fixture in the story already?