A quick disclaimer: I know nothing about this anime. Oh sure, I read the synopsis weeks ago like everyone else, but it must not have been a very remarkable synopsis, ’cause I’ve already forgotten what it said. As a result, I’m going on in dry.
— Aaaaaaand… it’s a great start to 2015, boys.
— Okay, so it seems people can conjure up weapons, and this dude over here looks cool as hell!!!
— First things first, our hero’s name is Thor. Yeah, Thor. As such, I expect him to wield a fuck-off hammer. Here, you can see him shaking hands with Imari, but she’s not the main haremette. She’s probably just one of the many haremettes. Here’s the main one. I don’t know what her name is supposed to be, but considering how Thor just awkwardly stared at her for a few painful seconds, she must be hot or something. But according to the cold opening, they’ll be fighting each other at some point. Oh, what a tantalizing hook!
— Rich, fancy academy where they’ll learn to fight in this coliseum, blah blah blah.
— The school president is a gothic loli.
— That’s an appropriate outfit for a school. She’s probably a teacher or something too, huh?
— Whoops. It turns out Imari is not hanging around for long, because the school’s screening test dictates that the students must battle the person sitting next to them. If you lose, you will have to go home. As you might have guessed, she and Thor are sitting next to each other. Anyway, what a dumb test. What if two of your best students just happen to be sitting next to each other? As a result, the school has no choice but to send one of its best students home just because whoever wrote this story wants to grab the viewers’ attention right off the bat.
— It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that Imari’s going to lose to the main character of the story. The only question is whether or not she’ll return at some later point in the story to get her revenge.
— The characters in this show cannot vogue to save their life. She looks positively bored with life. Tsk tsk. Basically, everyone has a “Blaze,” which is a weapon that they can conjure up from… from…? I don’t know? A pocket dimension or whatever. And as you can see here, the main heroine has two long blades.
— Lookin’ good, boys. Lookin’ good. Tear up that assembly hall.
— As Thor witnesses all the carnage, he gets triggered. No, really.
— So everyone has a weapon, and as such, you must be dying to see Thor’s weapon, huh? It’s a fuck-off hammer, right? We first see Imari conjure up a sword of her own, but enough about her. Let me see what Thor can bring to the table!
— So Blazes are always weapons… until they’re not, of course. Because Thor is such a unique snowflake, he’s an — wait for it! — Irregular. What’s even funnier is that Imari’s going to lose to someone who doesn’t even have a weapon.
— Thor anticlimactically blocks Imari’s attack, then punches her with his free arm. The gothic loli then announces that time’s up, so he basically wins by default.
— May the force be with you too, gothic loli. Or the odds be in your favor. Something like that.
— Imari: “All that fancy fighting and no one even got hurt.” D…did you want to die?
— You’d think Imari would be torn up or something, or maybe even resentful. But nah, she’s just standing here, chilling with the main character. It doesn’t look like we’re going to get our revenge story. Instead, her breasts bounce as she encourages Thor not to hold back next time. You only lose once! YOLO!
— Meet Tora, the midget. Apparently, he and Thor go way back. Also, every harem needs a beta best friend to make the harem lead look good.
— And now that Imari’s out of the way, Thor’s relationship with the school’s apparently hottest chick can start in earnest. Like every other anime you’ve seen, her classmates whisper simply because she entered the room.
— Yeah, yeah, we’re already staring and blushing at each other.
— That lady in the cleavage-bearing maid outfit and bunny ears? Yeah, she’s their homeroom teacher.
— Finally, the bishoujo introduces herself as Julie. Oh. It really is just Julie. Yeah, I saw the main character say Julie in the cold opening. I just didn’t expect her to have such a boring name.
— The students here apparently get an allowance of 100,000 yen per month. And as the show’s title suggests, everyone will pair up. Naturally, the main character gets to room with the hot girl, a fact which he mightily protests.
— Welp, that was fast.
— Julie’s from Scandinavia. Just Scandinavia in general. No specific place in Scandinavia. And yes, she’s well aware that Thor is a Norse god of mythology. Somehow, Thor has this name and he doesn’t know it.
— Oh no, a cute girl is all up in my face. W-What do I do?
— Julie wants Thor to teach her his special move. Y’know, that boring punch that he used to lay Imari out. Our Scandinavian bishoujo is all like, “Yo, teach me that shit.” You mean balling up a fist, pulling your arm back, then punching someone really hard? Are you serious?
— Yes, we’re very serious: “Sorry. That move puts way too much strain on the body.” Oh, okay. Naw, it gets better: “If a girl used it, it’d destroy her.” Well excuse me, Thor of Japan. I had no idea your punches were so masculine.
— Instead of just yawning like a regular person, Julie wobbles back and forth until she instantly falls asleep face first into Thor’s crotch. He thus has to carry her to bed and tuck her in. Well shit, if girls can’t even put themselves to bed, I guess a punch is out of the question.
— And with that, the credits roll. Afterwards, there’s a short scene where Julie wakes up and they both enjoy some apple tea, but uh, yeah…
— All in all, what a terribly generic opening episode. As I expected, Absolute Duo is absolute crap.