Okay, it’s not really a sequel, but I don’t want type out Aldnoah.Zero Second Season every single time I refer to the show. Anyway, let’s see how everything turned out.
— If I recall correctly, I was called pointlessly cynical for assuming that the main characters would survive the first season’s finale episode. Gosh, let’s just see if my critic was right.
— We’ve jumped nineteen months in the story, and that’s quite a long time to skip. I certainly hope the story doesn’t try to make up for that by feeding us a ton of exposition to fill us in on what we’ve missed.
— The episode kicks things off with some action in an asteroid belt. If you didn’t watch the first season or have somehow forgotten all about it, there’s an asteroid belt this close to Earth because the moon was blown up.
— Anyway, Aldnoah.Zero’s action has always been pretty slick. The story kinda sucks, but at least we’ll always have the battle scenes to watch.
— Oh hey, it’s our good ol’ buddy Slaine. The other characters ever call him sir! Has he been knighted?! But by who? Oh man, don’t tell me Saazbaum also survived. ‘Cause if he did, then c’mooooooon. How can Inaho be dead if Saazbaum is still alive and kicking? Anyway, you’ll be happy to know that Slaine is still obsessed over the princess. I can’t believe there are actually people on Team Slaine. Inaho might be autistic, but Slaine is mega creepy.
— Speaking of Asseylum, we see have give a speech in which she condemns Earthlings for not appreciating their own planet. That… that doesn’t sound like our princess at all. Yeah, the person giving the speech looks and literally sounds like Asseylum, but the real princess is too much of a goody two-shoes to say such a thing. She’s hopelessly, boringly good. This is not exactly an original story.
— What are the good guys up to, then? Sunbathing. That’s a good start.
— Unfortunately, the good guys seem to believe everything that they see with their own eyes. This is, however, the future where all sorts of digital trickery is possible. Of course, Rayet never liked Asseylum, but still, I’m certain that smarter characters would realize that the person giving that speech is not really the princess.
— There’s a lot of ass shots for a show about a war between two planets.
— Nineteen months, man. Nineteen months is nearly two whole years. And yet, these characters still look absolutely the same as when we last saw them. Would it have hurt to give one or two of them a different hairdo? Or to age a few of the characters just a tiny bit?
— “It’s a miracle he made it back alive,” they say. Ho ho ho, who are we possibly referring to?
— But we return to Slaine, who has come back from his successful mission. And of course, a perfectly alive Saazbaum is there to greet him. Well, that’s lame.
— A princess? So there’s a sister. She has a sister. If Asseylum will not be turned to the Slaine side, then perhaps she will. And also, is she bound to that chair? I hope not, because it seems like every mecha show must rob some poor girl of her legs.
— And yeah, Eddy is back with the bad guys. Like that’s a surprise. You can’t take the bigotry out of the bigot.
— This is some awkward exposition coming out of nowhere: “I have never bene pleased with the blood flowing in my veins.” Can you just randomly drop that nugget in a conversation? Anyway, she’s supposedly just a tool because she, like any member of the royal family, can activate the Aldnoah Drive.
— Back on Earth, our heroes are attacked by an Martian who seems to spread winter wherever he or she goes. A large problem with the first season was that it felt like a Martian of the Week struggle until the last few episodes. It just wasn’t very compelling to watch as we’d see Inaho constantly save the day by defeating enemies that never displayed any sort of personality (much like the main character himself). One can only hope that the second season can avoid these same pitfalls, but that’s doubtful. In any case, take a good look at the bad guy, because you won’t be seeing him again after this week’s episode.
— I mean, it’s possible if we have a new main character. For instance, a lot of you guys hoped that Rayet would take the lead for the second season… but I suspect a certain someone will be rearing his ugly head soon enough.
— Wait, what can this guy do? Reeeeally? Welp, whatever you guys say…
— So far, the long established pattern is holding true. At first, the good guys will throw a bunch of nobodies at the enemy. These nobodies have trained for a long time as soldiers, but alas, they will fail. A few more important — but nevertheless a second tier — characters will then step up and try to fight back. Their efforts, however, is predictably futile.
— Then when all seems lost, our savior cometh:
Oh man, how we’ve missed that monotone cadence of his! Good ol’ Inaho is back! Wait, wait, before we continue with the rest of the episode, let me quote that guy from months ago:
I just think it feels kind of pointlessly cynical to dismiss these characters as OBVIOUSLY NOT REALLY DEAD.
— Anime… anime never changes.
— Besides, Inaho has always defeated the Martian of the Week without fail, so why would he stop now? Dude would literally come back from the grave just to Gary Stu this shit up. With both Mahouka and SAO 2 being shows of the past, someone has to step up and fill the void. Who else but Inaho?
— After nineteen months and a direct shot from Slaine, our grizzled war veteran still looks… looks… looks exactly the fucking same as he did before he joined this war effort. Welp.
— Oh, but he’s totally changed, guys. He’s got a bionic eye now and everything. Yep.
— Oh come the fuck oooooooon:
— And just like that, the Martian of the Week is dead. One of the girls screams out Inaho’s name as the enemy mecha blows up. But at this point, ain’t nothing going to kill this Gary Stu.
— But wait! Our Gary Stu has changed! He can, uh, make small talk now. Slaine stole his girl and subsequently shot the autism out of him. That’s quite impressive, actually.
— We now get to see how everything had unfolded nineteen months ago. Slaine kept Saazbaum around in order to keep Asseylum alive. Supposedly, only the count had the means to do this.
— As for Inaho, he had taken a bullet to the head. Even so, the guy is so fucking overpowered, he had absorbed Asseylum’s Aldnoah activating powers somehow. And as a result, the unconscious hero still manages to save the day by getting the Deucalion to lift off. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
— The flashback is over, and Inaho is now watching the princess’s speech. Naturally, he’s the only person in the room smart enough to realize that he’s not watching the real Asseylum. We soon see that the Asseylum onscreen is none other than her sister. Just some trickery required.
— Well, we’ve seen Slaine, and he’s now a knight. We’ve seen Inaho, and he’s now Bionic Gary Stu. All that’s missing is Asseylum. The real Asseylum, that is. Where is she?
Ah, well there you go…
— Such a fucking creep.
— I suspect that Lemrina, desperate for approval, will fall in love with Slaine, but Slaine will remain forever obsessed with Asseylum. And of course, the Gary Stu never loses, so you know who Asseylum will favor… but that’s just the pointlessly cynical me talking again. So disregard everything you just read. This anime series is awesome!
— Say, whatever happened to that old dude with the PTSD…?