I’m such a lightweight nowadays. All I had were two glasses of red wine for dinner — Montefalco Rosso, if you’re that curious — and I feel terrible. So let’s get this over with. Roll out the bad anime already!
Wait, what? Maids? Why?
Let’s backtrack a bit. For some reason, Hitomi and Eruza, aka Cheetah Girl, are hanging out with the Pathetic Harem Lead at his college anime club. Why? Dude, your guess is as good as mine. Oh right, right… so Hitomi has to follow Yuya in order to protect him. And Eruza has to follow Hitomi to make sure she doesn’t cause trouble before the big ol’ Destroyal. That’s the upcoming tournament for these fighting jackasses.
Needless to say, Yuya’s club members act like stereotypical anime virgins.
And the most alpha of them tries to act tough, but apparently, acting tough here just means you gotta cosplay for these nerds. Y’see, they don’t actually want to touch you. They just want you to pretend to be one of their 2-D waifus. So Yuya quickly goes about convincing these two high school girls that they need to cosplay and flaunt their bodies for a bunch of pathetic college men:
You heard him. This is the only way out of this “situation.” What situation? Can’t they just leave?
Luckily, Eruza has no problems convincing Hitomi to play along. Cheetah girl simply tells her that this is a way to practice “partial transformations,” i.e. making your animal ears and tails pop out, but nothing more. But isn’t this embarrassing for Hitomi?
Nah, honey badgers just love attention. They crave it. Afterwards, Eruza drags Hitomi off to get some pancakes. Yuya has no choice but to trudge home alone…
…and bump into the lion dude. I’m kinda surprised he’s still alive, and at the same time, I’m kinda not? I mean, he’s the lion character. Lions are too important to die off in the first episode. It’s a bit weird that all he suffered is an injured arm, but whatever. Anyways, he’s here with his boss:
This is Yoko. She looks like a haremette, doesn’t she? Maybe she’ll become one later. But for now, she wants Yuya to withdraw from the Destroyal. Why? Because Shidoh, the guy who Hitomi just can’t stop going nuts for, is desecrating the traditions of her precious proxy war. Like ugh, leave your sick experiments out of our blood war between four rich-as-fuck zaibatsus! But Yuya is pathetic as all hell, so he obviously won’t withdraw without Hitomi’s permission.
Meanwhile, Hitomi’s enjoying some pancakes with a ton of whipped cream. Eruza is telling our heroine that Yuya’s no good for her. He sucks (it’s true, I agree), and he’ll cause her to lose! Nevertheless, Hitomi will stick by the pathetic harem lead. The reason is very simple: he’s so pathetic, he won’t get in her way. She can do whatever she wants with him as a financier. Man, they’re a match made in heaven. She’s got no respect for him, and he’s scared shitless of her!
I wish they could just cut out the financier part and just have these fighters duke it out, though. At the moment, Yuya is completely useless as a character other than being some dude who has money. But that’s the thing! It’s not even his money!
We return to Yoko and her lion dude. She is forced to leave Yuya’s apartment empty-handed. But she’ll be alright. After all, if she can’t convince Yuya to withdraw from the tournament, she will just have to beat Hitomi herself. Eh, whatever. She’s probably going to be a haremette anyways, so she won’t be destroying anything but her own self-respect. Of course, the story wants you to pretend as though Hitomi is in trouble. After all, they’ll sic this dude on her:
I don’t know what animal he’s supposed to be. They just refer to him as Kido.
After the commercial break, here’s a random scene between two lesbians! Lesbians are all the rage nowadays. They were all the rage before too, but especially nowadays. Now back to our show!
Anyways, back at Yuya’s apartment, both he and Hitomi are informed that they need one more person to join. None of these applicants are desirable, however, because they are not hot anime babes. Sorry, only sexy furry girls may apply.
Alright, sexy furry girl coming right up!
In fact, it’s a bunny girl!
No, really. Unfortunately, Ui doesn’t want to join, because she… uh, sucks.
She has never won a match, and besides that, she just sucks in general. The reason she became an animal-human hybrid is because she sucks as a human being too. She thought becoming half animal would help with that. Clearly not. Gosh, how can we convince her…?
Hm, no, I don’t think yelling at the girl will work. Quick, Yuya, prove your worth!
Yeah, offer her a drink!
…oh I get it! It’s because she’s a bunny, and bunnies like carrots. Clever. Nevertheless, this schtick somehow works. I guess that’s why we need the harem lead. Hitomi can almost do it all, but she can’t woo haremettes to her side.
But before Ui can join the team, someone shoots at her.
Oh no, it’s one of the lesbians from earlier! And wait, she can shoot lasers out of her eye? What goddamn animal can shoot lasers out of their eye?
Well, it turns out that the lesbian is one of those lizards that can fight off predators by squirting blood. Yeesh.
Ui quickly tries to run away by digging a hole.
Finally. I’ve been waiting all episode for one of these “nature is metal” interludes.
Unfortunately, Ui can’t even dig holes all that fast. She really is useless. So it’s up to Hitomi to save the day.
But try as she might, she can’t seem to close the distance. The blood bullets are just coming out too fast. What’s going on! I thought the only thing that mattered in this anime was having the sharpest fangs!
Oh, she said it! She saaaaaaaid iiiiiiiiiiiit!
So Ui decides to lend a hand. Because she’s got giant ears, she can really hone in on all the sounds around her. Is that something rabbits are actually good at, though? I’m not even being sarcastic; I really don’t know if rabbits have good hearing or not. In any case, Ui points out to Hitomi that the extra blood bullets are coming from the other lesbian lizard; she’s hiding behind the first one. Remember, we saw two of them in bed earlier.
And thanks to that information, Hitomi is able to defeat her opponents. Hey, you didn’t even use your fangs! Afterwards, Hitomi spares her lesbian attackers, but commands them to tell everyone that they had been defeated by Ui.
Buoyed by her first “victory” ever, Ui decides to join the harem–… I mean, team. The Destroyal team. Yeah. What a fantastic show.