Shichisei no Subaru Ep. 3: Recovering conveniently lost memories

The same thing we do every night, Pinky! Watch more terrible anime! 

— You know how last week’s episode was all about every single guild in Re’Union wanting to get their hands on Asahi? Well, this week’s episode is all about Asahi and Satsuki wanting to get their hands on Haruto… so to speak. God, love triangles are so lame. They’re especially dumb when the person at the middle of the damn triangle is yet another dense anime male.

— Haruto returns to find Satsuki telling Asahi to go away. Basically, the mage doesn’t think Asahi is truly alive. She thinks the loli girl is just residual data. Data that can think and talk like a dumb elementary schoolchild? Man, science sure is amazing!

— In return, Asahi insists that she’s still alive. Satsuki replies that she can’t be alive because she doesn’t have her Prophet Arts. Why? Because she’s dead. Um… I don’t think this logic is airtight. But yeah, it just goes on and on like this. Satsuki blames Asahi for Haruto’s downward spiral over the past six years. As a result, she doesn’t want the girl to hurt him anymore. But Asahi makes a good point. She’s right,  y’know. Don’t lay it all on the dead girl. If Satsuki is such a good friend, how come she couldn’t help the guy out.

— Let’s just say that there’s no chance in the world that this show could pass the Bechdel Test. No chance.

— Anyways, Haruto eventually gets fed up and ragequits the game. It doesn’t take long, however, before Satsuki shows up at his door again. She’s all wet too. From the rain, you pervs. The rain… in their hearts — OMG this show is so sad.

— Satsuki basically tries to justify her actions in-game. She felt that she lost to Asahi six years ago, so she refuses to lose now, especially not to a dead girl.

— But lose what, Haruto ask! What are you talking about? What game are we playing? What’s the prize? Duuuuuhhhhh. God, why do writers love this trope so much? I’m going to shoehorn romance into my story, but at the same time, I’m going to render my main character romantically inert and dense as fuck! Are people really entertained by this bullshit?

— Anyways, the two of them start reminiscing about how they each got actual rings to celebrate their closeness both in-game and in real life! Those must be some cheap ass rings, because I have no idea how a bunch of elementary schoolchildren would otherwise afford actual jewelry that all perfectly fit them.

— Clive is missing from this picture. I guess he’s not allowed to hang out with them? Speaking of which, I also like how there’s almost no mention whatsoever of Clive and Nozomi. They’re pretty much just side characters at this point.

One of them wears it on their ringfinger. I bet that’s Asahi.

— All these flashbacks trigger yet another memory in Haruto, so he hurries to the cemetery. Y’know, it’s taboo to dig up a person’s grave.

— He eventually unearths his ring. Apparently, he and Asahi had promised to exchange rings in real life, but… well, y’know…

— As he and Satsuki go to leave, the girl notices fresh flowers on the girl’s tombstone. The show then cuts to smarmy ass Takanori glaring at his former friends. But look, he has two rings on his necklace! Did he go and steal Asahi’s ring? How would he have even gotten his hands on it?

— We’ve spent a good chunk of this episode in real life, so I guess it’s time to do stupid MMO shit. Like, y’know, farming trees for rare drops. Asahi wants to get her hands on this hunk of junk for reasons that you’ll soon find out later.

— In the meantime, however, the girl has decided get naked. Okay, if you want Asahi to win this stupid love triangle, fine. But you also went and killed her. And by killing her, you also froze her mental maturity for six whole years. So even though Haruto is now a teenager in high school, he has to deal with the fact that his girlfriend still has the mentality of an elementary schoolchild. Anime’s insistent love for lolis knows no bounds. Bravo.

— Some players are about to farm the same enemies, so Haruto quickly uses his own body to hide Asahi’s naked body. He could’ve also hid her behind the giant fucking rock they’re standing on, but who on God’s green earth would pass up an opportunity to hold a loli’s naked body? Answer that!

— After two and a half episodes, Asahi finally expresses her desire to see her family. What took her so long?

— She also tells Haruto how frustrated she got, because she kept trying to log out and it wouldn’t work. This only reminds me that they still haven’t tried to contact the people in charge of Re’Union. No GM call, no email to the support team, no harassing the devs on Twitter, so on and so forth. Gee, my dead girlfriend from six years ago is back! Should I tell anyone from the company about this? Naaaaaaaaaah. Even if they have no answers, I find it mind-bogglingly stupid that they haven’t even tried to get an official answer from the people behind the game.

— Dude, this isn’t even close. Satsuki’s losing this, and she’s losing this hard. This is the biggest blowout since the 2014 World Cup semis. Yeah, you know which match I’m talking about.

— Back in the real world, Satsuki still hasn’t logged in today, because she’s busy remembering why she ever fell for Haruto in the first place. One time, she almost died to some stupid wolves, but our amazing hero took a lot of punishment just to protect her! Why? Because he’s her shield! That’s all it takes, boys. If you want to get yourself a busty Japanese woman, just save her in an MMO.

— Enough about Satsuki. Back in MMO land, Asahi went and turned the rare drop into their old guild ring. Oh boy! Haruto refuses to wear it. Instead, he puts the ring on Asahi’s ringfinger, which quickly angers Satsuki. But of course, Haruto doesn’t understand what the big deal is.

— Honestly, why would you ever choose this boring generic loli over this pink potato? The choice is obvious!

— Eventually, Satsuki goes and makes a ring herself. Unfortunately, she had to put it on her own damn finger.

— Afterwards, the trio decides to revisit the site of Asahi’s death. Y’know, there might be clues or something. In an MMO. Clues of her death in an MMO. Why don’t we start dusting for ‘prints then! Sigh…

— You should know that episode is probably going to feature the same dumb interaction over and over — maybe even multiple of times in one episode: mental midget Asahi will wonder why she can’t be all handsy with Haruto like in the past, and this will trigger Satsuki’s deep jealousy. Rinse and repeat.

— But deep within the dark temple, the mysterious girl from last week’s episode shows up briefly to summon the big, bad boss. Y’know, the one that killed Asahi. If they couldn’t kill it back then with six, how are they gonna kill it now with three? Well, just watch.

— One of my biggest pet peeves with anime in general is how the brightness always takes a dip when things get hectic onscreen. Lame.

— I love how Haruto dashes out of the way here and leaves Satsuki to her own devices. I thought he was her shield.

— Oh no, my e-leg!

— Asahi manages to shoot out the ceiling and slow the big, bad boss down a bit, but…

— …oh no, both my e-legs!

— All of a sudden, Haruto spots a ring… his ring from six years ago. So the game shut down, came back as a sequel, and some random player’s ring has just been sitting here for six fucking years.

— The guy the finally remembers that she had promised to protect him, and in return, he promised to protect her. That’s it. No, really, that’s it.

— And just like that, the guy’s “Sense” returns out of nowhere, he is able to cleave off the big, bad boss’s arm in one move. B-b-but they couldn’t beat it six years ago! And even though Haruto hasn’t been playing the game at all up until recently, he can now beat it by himself? What?

— Aw yeah, sweet-looking action, bro.

— But just when Haruto thinks that his work is done, Asahi beams her future-sensing ability into her friends’ minds. As a result, he is able to avoid certain death.

— What a handsome boy.

— More importantly, Satsuki now believes that Asahi still has her sense. And because she has her Sense, this means her body must still be alive and kickin’. Wait, do you really truly believe that a character can’t have a Sense unless there are brain signals to back it up? Like is that how this really works?

— Whatever. All’s well that ends well, I guess.

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