I wish. But we’re not on an adventure, are we? 

— More origin story at the beginning of the episode. It’d be funny if the disembodied voice just happens to be the person running this campaign.

— So far, it’s pretty much generic fantasy fare. Of course, it’s what you do with the characters and the setting, but… well, you tell me. After three episodes, has Goblin Slayer done anything remotely interesting other than remind people that there are consequences for being ill-prepared? That there’s a reason why adulthood is not usually as low as fifteen? I’d barely trust a 15-year-old kid to drive a car. Why would I want them to go rescue kidnapped women and murder goblin-kin?

— Elf Girl claims that her ability to curve her arrow is just pure technique. Sure.

— Elf Girl then obstinately refuses to drench herself in goblin blood. Naturally, Priestess is no longer sympathetic.

— So wait, are goblins really all male? Really? Really really? ‘Cause that’s just stupid. Well, what else is new, right? But look, if they’re all male, then they can literally only survive as a species by kidnapping and forcing themselves on other humanoid races. Genetically, that doesn’t make much sense, because the race would obviously dilute itself over time. But of course, this is fantasy so hurr durr don’t worry about it!

— You’d think Priestess would stop dressing up in mostly white. Why even bother to wear such ornate garb if you’re going to have to stain yourself in goblin blood on the regular?

— Oddly enough, Dwarf Guy and Lizard Man don’t seem to be drenched in blood. Oh right, goblins can only sniff out women, children, and elves. How specific. We should just draft old men to go on goblin huntin’ parties then. Hey, it’s for the good of the nation. Do it, ya old bastards.

— Elf Girl sniffs out an advanced trap, so apparently, we’re up against smart goblins this time.

— The party eventually stumbles upon a room where the goblins do their business. And of course, the place has a naked elven girl all chained up. She has obviously been tortured and mistreated. Priestess wants to heal the woman, but Goblin Slayer steps forward with his sword as though he’s going to put the victim out of her misery. But it turns out he only wanted to slay a goblin! Haha, oh Goblin Slayer!

— Lizard Man then summons a skeletal warrior to carry the victim out of the dungeon. I’m just thinking that if I see a skeletal warrior coming at me, I’d probably assume that it’s a threat. But it’s okay, because Priestess wrote a letter to explain the situation!

— I’m kinda surprised that Elf Girl is so surprised. What did she think the goblins were doing with her people? She’s 2000 years old, but this is all new to her? Really? Is this why you schmucks don’t take the goblin threat seriously? Because you’re all this ignorant?

— But this is all just a lame ploy. When they find the rest of the goblins later, Elf Girl’s going to go on a murderous rampage. So y’know, having her act all shell-shocked now is just cheap motivation for her turn in character.

— This is one huge dungeon. Hell, they even have time to pause and set up camp. You can see Elf Girl sitting off to the side, facing away from the party. But again, I’m incredulous, because I find it hard to imagine that someone who has existed for two millennia would be so sheltered.

— Goblin Slayer is all about goblin-killing efficiency, so he comes off as harsh and uncaring. He tells Elf Girl that she should just head back if she can’t stomach the situation. Well, he’s usually a solo player, right? So he doesn’t understand party dynamics. He can be blunt with himself, but this sort of attitude can pull down your party’s morale. And if the morale goes down, then obviously their goblin-killing efficiency goes down. But we’ll see. Either Elf Girl toughens up or Goblin Slayer learns to be less of a jerk. Maybe they both have to compromise.

— Elf Girl says she can’t go back after seeing what they had done to the victim. Welp, there you go. Elf Girl wants revenge. Dwarf Guy then tells her that goblins are mortal enemies to the dwarves as well. Maybe they could convince the rest of the races to take goblins more seriously, then.

— The party eventually comes across a room full of goblins, so Dwarf Guy dances and spews out a fine mist of firewine. Meanwhile, Priestess casts silence. The rest of the group proceeds to kill each of the goblins in their sleep. That’s teamwork for ya.

— Look at Elf Girl go hogwild on that goblin!

— Boy, it must really stink in there.

— Finally, after three-and-a-half episodes, our hero will now have to fight a challenging enemy. Hell, it’s not even a goblin this time! As a result, Goblin Slayer sounds disappointed.

— This guy is like a raid boss. He certainly acts like one.

— According to the Ogre, he was granted an army of goblins. Uh, that’s nothing to be proud of, dude.

— I’m not really surprised that Goblin Slayer has never heard of ogres or the demon lord’s generals. If you think about it, he’s just a country bumpkin who took up a sword in order to avenge his sister. He only goes from place to place in order to murder goblins, so he’s not exactly well-traveled or anything.

— I’m surprised that Priestess’s protection spell kept the party safe. Sniff, our little girl’s all grown up! Wait, no, she’s an adult now, you guys!

— At Goblin Slayer’s behest, Lizard Man summons more skeletal warriors. Father Iguanodon cracks me up.

— So uh… can the Ogre only cast one massive fireball? That’s lame.

— So the party tries to use their different skills and abilities to take the Ogre down, but unfortunately, he seems to have super fast healing. Elf Girl nails the Ogre right in the eye with an arrow, but he just shakes it off. Goblin Slayer then gets smacked into a pillar. Obviously, he’s not used to fighting anything but goblins. Hell, I wonder if he can even hunt deer.

— Uh, one of your fingers is probably bigger than “these females.”

— Priestess rushes to try and heal Goblin Slayer while the rest of the party tries to distract the Ogre. Obviously, they can’t hold out for very long.

— Oh no, skeletal boi! H-he was too good for this world.

— Oh hey, it’s another fireball. So he can cast another one. He was just being arrogant or whatever. And now that Priestess is out of MP, she can no longer shield her party. But whatever, there’s no tension here because I can’t help but feel as though each and every single one of these characters have plot armor.

— Of course, the Ogre threatens to keep Priestess as his plaything if she survives. It’s like the show just can’t help itself.

— But this time, Goblin Slayer pulls out one of his precious scrolls. Suddenly, we see the Ogre get carved up into smaller chunks. Y’know, there’s something lame about this. The party didn’t really beat the raid boss through their own skill or anything. Goblin Slayer had to resort to what is essentially an auto-win button. I mean, sure, it took some ingenuity, but eh…

— Goblin Slayer then calmly walks up to what’s left of the Ogre and finishes the raid boss off. He also insists that goblins are a bigger threat than the Ogre, so I guess that’s some last second humiliation for ya. So… do you even get experience for this?

— In the aftermath, the party emerges from the dungeon mostly safe and sound. But like Goblin Slayer, no one has much to say after what they’ve just been through. Like I said, if you manage to survive in this universe long enough, you’ll just eventually become a Goblin Slayer yourself.

— Elf Girl whines that she still doesn’t like Goblin Slayer very much, ’cause these quests suck. These quests are no fun at all, she says! Well, stop seeing everything as a goddamn quest, then. When bad guys kidnap the hostages, do you think the cops tell themselves, “Boys, it’s time to go on an adventure!” When soldiers have to liberate a captured city, did they proclaim beforehand that they were going on a quest? Elf Girl helped take down a dungeon full of goblins, and she even managed to save one of her kind, but she’s unhappy ’cause it wasn’t fun? It’s amazing that she’s 2000 years old, ’cause she’s about as mature as a teenager.

— Plus, she acts like this is all Goblin Slayer’s fault or something — like he deliberately sucked the fun out of the quest for her. Could he have been nicer to her? Yeah. But when you go into a goblin’s sex dungeon, I don’t know what you expected to find. Cute, little animals and exotic culture? Get outta here.

— If Elf Girl doesn’t like Goblin Slayer, fine. I don’t like him either. But her rant is asinine.

— In the after credits scene, Goblin Slayer returns to his childhood friend. I’m sure he’s never laid a single finger on her, though.