Then again, they can’t touch the fairer sex, so I guess this is fine.

— So the secret’s out. The Soma family all turn into animals if they’re sick or come into contact with the opposite sex.

— Orange tabbies are the best, which is why I’m disappointed that Kyo is all orange. I’ve never seen a solidly orange cat.

— Anyways, as you can easily tell, he’s the hot head that Tohru will have to tame throughout the course of the series. He’s the project, the fixer-upper, the bad boy with a good heart. In the real world, your success rate is probably nowhere near 100%. In fact, these well-intentioned relationships can often end in tears and heartbreak. But I guess that’s where fantasy comes in. In these safe spaces, we can explore our desires without any fear of failure. Kyo might snap a table in half and somehow cut Tohru’s forehead in the process — seriously, how the hell did that happen? — but he would never actually lay a finger on her. But if you’re dating an actual bad boy in real life, better cross your fingers.

— Yuki then backhands Kyo for being so violent. Nothing like violence to solve violence. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be laughing at these scenes or what…

— …but I’m leaning towards laughter.

— I mean, how can I not after seeing this?

— Yuki sounds like one of those teenagers who take themselves too seriously. Then of course, I slap my forehead and go, “Duh, he is a teenager who takes himself too seriously.” Nevertheless, I have to wonder… what came first? Did teenagers learn to talk like this from anime? Or is anime just copying reality?

— Thanks to all the morning shenanigans, both Tohru and Yuki are late to school. This, of course, invites gossip and suspicion from all the other girls. Look, I don’t want to hear any sass from someone with that face.

— After school, Yuki decides to have a chat with Tohru privately. She promises him that she would never reveal their family secret.

— Look, I ain’t no rat… no offense to you, rat.

— *gasp* It’s the kabedon!

— As it turns out, making sure that Tohru doesn’t spill the beans is not exactly what Yuki is here to talk about. Rather, he wants to apologize ahead of time for the fact that his family might decide to alter Tohru’s memories. I guess some kids found out about his “condition” when he was younger, so the family had to go MIB on everyone’s ass. He didn’t want it, but there was nothing he could do. Nobody disobeys this Akito they keep mentioning. In the flashback scene, Akito justifies her — oops, I shouldn’t spoil this decades old story — decision, because people would so obviously be weirded out by a family that keeps turning into cute household pets.

— Well, I’d be somewhat freaked out if someone turned into a literal ass dragon. Somewhat.

— The airheaded Tohru keeps grabbing onto these boys despite being explicitly informed that doing so will trigger them. As a result, we now have a rat in the classroom. Luckily, there is barely anyone around them.

— The girl then immediately proves Akito wrong by showing Yuki that she isn’t weirded out by him or his family at all. In fact, even if her memories get erased, she hopes he’ll befriend her again. Look at all those shoujo bubbles around them. Look! Wanna know if the characters are having that warm, fuzzy feeling in their chest? Bubbles.

— So just like that, Yuki turns right back into his human form. I think he got a boner from all her kindness.

— Um, okay.

— Later, when Tohru gets back to her room, she finds that Kyo has patched up the hole in the roof. Uh, wouldn’t it get drafty at night? Ah well.

— Kyo can’t even apologize properly. In the real world, people like him are way too exhausting to deal with. But this is fiction, so it’s cute! Look how hard he’s trying to be a functional human being, haha!

— Shigure then returns with the good news: for some strange reason, Akito will allow Tohru to stay with the boys. Gosh, what might Akito and Shigure be scheming?

— I’ve never seen a rat own a cat this much since Tom & Jerry.

— So now that her place is secured, Tohru proceeds to become the perfect housewife. Yawn.

— Shigure is not done with his surprises, though. We soon find out that Kyo will be attending the same school as Tohru and Yuki, because that’s just like… the law, man. It’s illegal for people to go to different schools in anime.

— Now that they’ll be living together and going to the same school, Tohru laments the fact that Kyo seems to hate her. We all know that he doesn’t. We all know that he’s just emotionally stunted, so he can’t express his feelings properly. Nevertheless, our heroine seems like one of those cloying people who can’t stand the idea of anyone disliking them. And sure, it’s admirable to want to befriend everyone. But you have to be careful. You have to make sure you don’t inadvertently set yourself on fire just to keep others warm. Some people just aren’t worth befriending. Some people are just downright toxic.

— Anyways, we skip right ahead to Kyo’s first day at his new school. Look at all these thirsty girls trying to figure out if the carpet matches the drapes.

— Eventually, one of the girls get a little too close and personal, so Kyo immediately subdues her. So y’know, this is okay. You just can’t hug a girl. Unfortunately, Tohru only has one move in her arsenal: hugs. Then again, I’m glad that the animators can just retrace the same pose over and over.

— I also like how you can’t let anyone find out about you being a furry animal, but it’s totally cool if you jump out of the window of a multi-story building.

— Yuki goes and tells Kyo off. Yuki feels as though he can’t make any friends thanks to the family, so he wants to free himself from their influence. Meanwhile, Kyo keenly feels the pain of being the outsider, so he wants nothing more than to become a part of the family. The two boys are on different sides of the fence, and they refuse to try and put themselves in the other person’s shoes. Most teenagers are naturally self-centered, though.

— When it seems like yet another fight might break out, Tohru does the only thing she can do: give out hugs. She’s such an airhead. Not only that, we’ve seen Yuki backhand and kick Kyo around without any repercussions. But all of a sudden, our girl decides to jump into action here. Shrug.

— Kyo yells at Tohru, so she slinks off. This makes him feel guilty, so he just pouts for the rest of the day. He tells Shigure that he’s just not cut out to live for this sort of thing. Uh-huh… and yet, he wants to be a part of the family? Hmmm. Well, I suppose there’s a difference between family and non-family.

— Still, Shigure gives Kyo a pep talk and encourages him to embrace this rare opportunity to be able to befriend someone with such infinite patience. Look at our perv come through in the clutch! Dogs are man’s best friend!

— So when Yuki says he should walk Tohru home from her job, Kyo volunteers to do it instead. Too bad he can’t tell her about his plans ahead of time or anything. It’s better to sneak up on a girl in the dark.

— Kyo apologizes and our heroine is immediately touched. This one gesture makes up for all of those bad interactions! He’s yelled at her, picked fights with Yuki, broken a table, left a hole in her roof, so on and so forth. But look, this one gesture. When things are good, they’re so good! He seems like an asshole, but you just have to get to know him! And I’m totally addicted to this emotional roller coaster!

— Tohru more or less confesses that she has always loved the zodiac cat. So like with Yuki, she sways Kyo’s heart. Everyone brushes him aside, but she won’t. Blah blah blah, mushy mushy stuff. You can’t tame a stray cat in a day — in fact, you can’t really do it at all once they’ve become adults — but we’ve got… uh, a 2-cour series to work with. Yay…

— And just like that, our heroine’s new life has begun. Sure, Kyo and Yuki are constantly antagonizing each other, but it’ll be fun! Totally!