Haibara, our main character, admits that he’s got a stable job at a decent company, and this allows him to live out an ordinary, “gray” life. Basically, he’s got it better than a lot of folks out there. Nevertheless, he wants a do-over, because he has regrets from high school. But this is such an anime thing, isn’t it? There’s this pervasive implication that adolescence is all there is to life. Who cares about adulthood when your childhood sucked! A lot of people want a do-over due to their current situation. Maybe they didn’t study hard, so they’re stuck in a shitty career. Maybe they fooled around too much, so now they gotta pay child support to five baby mamas. Maybe they didn’t take good care of their health, so now they have onset diabetes. Stuff like that, y’know?

On the other hand, Haibara’s life is far from over. Hell, it’s just begun. He can provide for himself. He has a home. He is presumably of good health. It doesn’t look like he’s saddled with debt or money-related problems. As an adult, he has all this freedom to do whatever he wants, meet whomever he wants. He can travel the world! He can pursue a hobby! Basically, he just needs to actually get out there and seize the world by the horns. Has Haibara even tried to enjoy life? Carpe diem, my man. But of course, Haibara’d rather be hung up on his high school years instead. He’d rather be hung up on his high school crush rather than meet the countless number of wonderful women out there in the sea — women who likely have their shit together. No, no, an immature high school girl is truly where it’s at! He’s a grown man, googling a crush from his childhood! Bruh. Get help. Go talk to a therapist.

But again, this is anime, so we can just magically whisk ourselves back to those “halcyon” days of rote memorization disguised as education, living under our parents’ thumb, awkward teen interactions, and raging hormones coursing through our veins. Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to wake up to find a pimple on my nose again! So here I am, watching a grown man stare at his chubby, teenage body in the mirror. Haibara’s prayers have been answered, and he finds himself back in 2014. And what truly gets me is that this is all for a girl. A high school crush. There are so many things you could do if you could go back in time. You could make a killing on the stock market. Be the one to come up with the next big invention and forever immortalize yourself in history! If you’re truly daring, maybe you could foil a terrorist attack or whatever! But all of this for a high school crush? Really?

First things first, Haibara’s gotta lose weight, ’cause you can’t bag yourself an immature high school girl as a fatso! In just a month’s time, he instantly sheds like… I dunno, 15 to 20 pounds? I dunno if that’s safe, but this man will stop at nothing to date a high school chick! And immediately, Haibara starts turning heads. Like his childhood friend, for instance! But also his sister? Okay, weird. But I suppose that’s yet another item that our previously grown ass man can cross off his list: “impress your tsundere blood-related sibling.” Wholesome! Then on his first day of school, all of the girls literally blush and whisper to their friends as Haibara walks by. Who knew there was such an Adonis beneath all that subcutaneous fat! And this is what it’s all about, folks. Stable career? Bah! Having freedom as a adult? Don’t make me sick! What I truly need is high school girls lusting for me!

And then he meets Hoshimiya… again!

I can’t, man.

I’m only halfway through the episode, and I’m already rolling my eyes so hard. Just look at the determination in his eyes. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Yes, Hoshimiya is in my class!” Imagine thinking that as a grown ass man — that’s who he still is on the inside!!! — and not cringing out of your fucking shoes right then and there. Ugh, I’m getting second-hand embarrassment just watching this shit. Afterwards, it’s just ridiculousness piled on top of more ridiculousness.

Yeah, bro, you’re totally fit, bro. I can just tell even though you’re in your uniform, bro! You’re such a fit high school freshman even though you only worked out for literally a month, bro!

OMG LIKE I JUST LOVE ONE MONTH ABS CAN I FEEL YOU UP LIKE RIGHT NOW IN FRONT OF ThE SCHOOL

The most scintillating of conversations! This is what I time-traveled for!

My god, you’re such a hot high school girl! You’re just as hot as I remembered as a middle aged Japanese salarym–… whoa, whoops, what am I saying, haha!

Like I said, the most scintillating of conversations. Who wants to meet actual women when you can listen to anime high school girls gripe about their chests?

Dude, did you fucking memorize her schedule? Even if you weren’t a grown ass man in a teenage body, this would still be weird.

Sure thing, bud.

The climax of the first episode is Haibara taking a pic with his high school crush. I’m gonna hate-watch the fuck of this anime. Look, you don’t need to time travel to get rock hard abs. You can do that right now. You don’t need to time travel to make friends. You can do that right now. You don’t need to time travel to meet women. You can do that right now. Go to meetups. Go try something new. Go pursue a passion. Anything. Just. Try. The only thing Haibara can’t do as an adult (legally) is date a high school girl. So ultimately, this is what the show is about, and that’s pathetic.