It’s kinda hard to describe Botan Kamiina Fully Blossoms When Drunk, because nothing really happens. So far, we have three characters. Ibuki, the resident adviser, drinks alone because she always hiccups. Anime is dramatic as all hell, so we get a glimpse of a bad experience she had said hiccups. Sigh. Luckily, she soon meets a kindred spirit in Botan, who burps if she consumes any carbonated drink. Somehow, this makes Ibuki comfortable enough to drink with her. Then we have Kanade, who’s a bit jealous that Ibuki is willing to drink with someone else and not her. Sounds like she has feelings for Ibuki. And… that’s it. There really isn’t much to the show at all.

I mean, if you want yuri undertones, there are some moments here and there. For example, when Botan gets tipsy, which usually only takes a sip or two, she starts saying things that can be taken the wrong way. Maybe she gets in your space. And again, there’s the Kanade thing. On the other hand, I expect a show about alcohol to, well, talk a bit about the alcohol. Y’know, what does it taste like? Tell me more than that the sake is fruity. Japan has a pretty rich whiskey distilling tradition as well. Talk about the whiskey that was used in the highball. I know it was probably a cheap one, but still, gimme something. Anything. Midway through the episode, Ibuki starts Botan off with a “simple” wine, but no mention of the characteristics of the grape used in making it or even the vintage. It’s just a really basic show on all fronts. The taste of the wine or spirit doesn’t always interest me, but I’m always eager to learn about the histories and traditions that go into making them. Point is, if the characters are boring, their interactions are boring, and the alcohol facts are nonexistent… then what are we left with? Even the yuri stuff is just a tease.

So is the title supposed to be a euphemism? ‘Cause, y’know, flowers and Georgia O’Ke-… you know what? Nevermind, it’s not important.

On the other hand, The Drops of God might be too dramatic. I know, I know, it sounds like I’m never satisfied. But c’mon, the first thing we see at the start of the first episode is the main character Kanzaki decanting a bottle of wine. Decanting is nothing special. You’re either 1) aerating the wine to make it taste better, or 2) separating out the sediments. Nevertheless, the sommelier Miyabi — no proper sommelier should have her mind blown by someone merely decanting a wine — soon finds herself in a field of roses as she stares slack-jawed at the protagonist. It’s like when Soma feeds people one of his dishes in Food Wars, and it tastes so damn good that they feel as though they’ve been elevated to a higher plane of existence. They then get the biggest (food) orgasm of their life. The problem here, however, is that Miyabi isn’t even going to taste the decanted wine. She’s just mind-blown by the sheer act of decanting. It’s ridiculous. Also, sommeliers don’t typically dress like the waitstaff.

The diner then takes a drink of the newly decanted wine and bewilderedly asks, “Did you put something in this?” C’mon, this guy bought a bottle of fancy wine and doesn’t know about decanting? Okay, I guess that’s possible, but it’s kinda unlikely. The real kicker, however, is that Kanzaki doesn’t even like wine. In fact, he knows jack shit about it. But his father is the wine critic, so our protagonist was pulling one of those, “Oh, I’ve heard about this little trick before. Lemme give it a shot!” And of course he did it flawlessly. Bro, c’mon.

Well, if the other show didn’t have enough drama, this one will give you plenty of it. More than you ever wanted, actually. Kanzaki soon learns that his father has just passed away, and the old man’s collection of prized wine is worth twelve billion yen. But it won’t automatically go to Kanzaki. The old man has instead set up a competition between Kanzaki and his adopted son Tomine Issei. Basically, there are thirteen special wines, and one of them is even dubbed “The Drops of God,” hence the show’s title. Whoever can identify these thirteen mystical wines, their makers, and their vintage will get the old man’s entire collection. But wait, wait, we’re not done yet. Right off the bat, we already have a lesser competition. If Kanzaki even wants to live on his late father’s estate, he’ll have to identify an extra glass of wine. But wait, wait, we have yet another issue. Kanzaki goes back to that sommelier apprentice for help, because, again, he doesn’t know wine. While taste-testing a bunch of different ones, he and Miyabi accidentally knock over a really, really important bottle — a bottle with 100 million yen riding on it. Don’t you know it’s a one of a kind, made by a legendary winemaker!!! So, uh, why did you have it just sitting precariously on a table like this. Y’see what I’m getting at? The drama is over-the-top, but it also feels fucking stupid?

It’s hard to appreciate wine if you don’t have both a good sense of taste and and a good sense of smell. The sommelier will rattle off a bunch of descriptions like… “I have here a medium burgundy. On the nose, you get crisp cherries, cranberries, wild raspberries mixed with spices like cinnamon and nutmeg. When it hits the palate, you get mouthwatering acidity with high levels of chalky tannins. And this will pair really well with the lamb that’s coming up.” Then you go to drink the wine and it’s just like, “Oh, this is a red wine. This tastes like every other red wine I’ve ever drunk.” Fine, fine, there’s a difference between, say, a Syrah and a Pinot Noir, but is it a profound one? Meh, I guess it’s all subjective.

The problem with this show, however, is that they don’t stop at just the tastes and smells. No, they shoot way beyond them. They aim for the moon and land on fucking Pluto. When Kanzaki takes a sip of the wine that will determine whether or not he gets to live on his father’s estate, it seemingly triggers a memory of his… mother, I’m assuming? As a result, he drops the glass dramatically on the floor and dashes out of the room! Ugh, dad, why did you have to go and remind me of her! When Kanzaki later drinks a glass of a 2001 Chateau Mont-Perat — I’ve never even heard of this wine, but I’m no wine expert — he experiences more than just the flavors of the wine itself. He actually finds himself transported back to a 70s rock concert. Not just any 70s rock concert, though. An English one. Bro… that’s stupid. That’s just stupid. Like I get it, some people can taste things I can’t. Some people can distinguish smells I can’t. I will never dispute this. But the wine itself feeling like a rock concert is some hallucinatory, “I just took some LSD” shit.

I’m sure the creator of this series has done their research. They’ve probably forgotten more about wine than I’ll ever know (or want to know). I’m a nobody who enjoys a Riesling on occasions. Maybe a Madeira or Sauternes with dessert. But I feel like this show is taking the piss, and it’s just the first episode. It’s like the Food Wars of wine minus the pervy shit. I can’t help but wonder how much sillier it’s going to get going forward.