Oh my…

Episode summary: Takeshi’s sword is giving him bad dreams. Not only that, it’s also sapping him of his “magical” energy. By the way, his sword is a shoujo — a pink-haired shoujo. Heh. So anyway, if he doesn’t force his pink-haired shoujo of a sword to submit, he will die. So he does just that. The end.

Notes:

• The very first thing I see when I start up the episode:

Even when the bland shounen hero is removed from his natural habitat, his instinctive need to grope a female body kicks in. Despite floating upon a bed of blood beneath a purple moon — so purple that it would make Prince shed a tear — the furtive male stretches his arms out in desperation. The grim spectre of breasts casts a pall over Takeshi.

• As if summoned, an anime female screams Takeshi’s name as she runs to him:

Upon closer inspection, however, one realizes that she is not a female at all but a simulacrum of one. All the anatomical parts are there. All the organs are there. Except… the brain.

• And then, tentacle rape:

‘Cause lulz it’s anime!

• Don’t worry, y’all. It was just a dream. Even better, his sword turns into a pink-haired shoujo ’cause, again, it’s anime. The more girls the merrier. You might be wondering why a phallus symbol would turn into a girl, but look at it this way: the girl makes his sword rock hard and ready for battle!

• So even though Mui’s bro had been mind-controlled for practically most of the series thus far, now that he’s back on the good side, let’s have him instruct the students! No worries!

• Girl presents pink, heart-shaped box to boy. Boy stares at heart-shaped box. Boy asks, “What’s this?”

• Again, girl presents pink, heart-shaped box to boy. Girl’s brother asks, “Do you like him?” Girl emphatically replies, “No! You can just leave right now, Brother!” Girl’s brother then goes back to the Trailers. Oh how I hope…

• Boy sees all of this unfold. As boy is holding the pink, heart-shaped box that he had received from girl, he comes to this brilliant conclusion: “I never knew Tsuganashi-san had such a sister complex.” Yes, boy, this scene was all about someone else’s sister complex. Mm-hmm. Just go back to having wet dreams over the tentacle raping of your childhood friend.

• Jealous blonde then appears out of nowhere. Jealous blonde also presents boy with a pink, heart-shaped box. Oh dear, both girls bought chocolates from the same catalog. How embarrassing. Boy gets type-2 diabetes from all the sweets. Rest in peace, boy.

• I’m just kidding. Boy goes, “Huh? Is this…?”

• It turns out girl and jealous blonde both made their chocolates together. Two girls, one chocolate batch. Mmmm, the kitchen must’ve smelled nice that day! So far, this episode sure has been a pile of chocolate, I’ll tell you what.

• “Though you don’t seem very excited to get my chocolate…” accuses the jealous blonde. Boy says, “That’s not the case. Thank you!” But you’ll notice, however, that his eyes are looking off to the side:

Still, jealous blonde blushes anyway. This empty gesture placates the envious beast lurking beneath her tsundere facade.

• “I-I want marshmallow,” demands jealous blonde, “Marshmallow from Telmar! And you can buy a gift for Mui there too.” Oh the best laid plans of mice and anime female simulacra.

• Look at Takeshi’s dainty hands:

Look! That’s all I wanted to highlight. Let’s continue.

• Takeshi has another nightmare that night. This time, it involves Mui and a giant flan pudding. So when he dreams of Kurumi, she gets tentacle raped, but when he dreams of Mui, she just falls out of the sky when she tries to dive into a giant flan pudding. Alrighty then.

• I’m beginning to think Mui’s bro has no right eye…

• Oh no, it turns out Takeshi has the ability to see the future through his silly dreams. The very next day, he learns that Mui tripped and fell down a flight of stairs in her hurry to get — you guessed it! — pudding. Oh dear, so a tentacle raping is in the cards…

• Upon hearing that his friend injured herself, Kazumi goes, “Nice!” I agree! Nice!

• Takeshi then faints outta nowhere. Exhaustion from fapping all night to his dreams, probably. He wakes up briefly to receive a scolding from the school nurse, then goes back to sleep. Riveting storytelling right here, guys. This time, he dreams of that bespectacled dude from last week’s episode. Y’know, the one that was fighting the school’s headmistress. No, I don’t know who they are either. In any case, the evil dude isn’t alone; Takeshi’s sword girl is there too. Ooh, mysterious.

• Takeshi starts to half cry, half grunt in his dream or something, and this freaks the school nurse out. She then proceeds to slap him hard repeatedly in an effort to wake him up. Like, really hard.

• She then scolds him some more: “How long?! How long have you been having nightmares?! Why didn’t you come to me sooner?” Yeah man, why isn’t a grown boy running to the school nurse every time he has a scarewy-warey dream? How could he have not realized that nightmares in the Ruined World can… *ominous music* …KILL YOU?

• So the school nurse proceeds to give Takeshi — and us by extension — a lecture on nightmare magic. For some reason, the camera panned to her legs which are in stockings:

It’s relevant to the discussion, I’m sure.

• Oh no, Takeshi’s dreams will come true! Watch out, Kurumi! Well, I should say it’s more like “Brace yourself…” Our hero also learns that his sword is sapping him of his “magical energy,” and that he must not allow his sword to have free reign any longer! Hehe, energy-sapping sword…

• Enough kidding around! If his sword saps Takeshi of all his energy, he’ll grow hair on his knuckles and lose his eyesight die! And we wouldn’t want him to die, now would we? So why not just take his sword away from him? Why not just make him find himself a new Aspect? Nah…

• That night, Takeshi ignores his nurse’s orders and sleeps with the sword by his bedside again! It’s just like, “Lulz, fuck her; I do what I want!” But seriously, he just wants to see those prophetic visions even if he can’t change the future. So the headmistress of the school gets involved, and she’s all like, “Yo, if you wanna solve this problem, you’ll have to do battle with the girl in your dreams.” Is there a solution in anime that doesn’t involve doing battle? Pfft, only if this was an eroge.

• Man, the headmistress quickly relented. At first, she was like, “OBEY OR I WILL CONFISCATE YOUR SWORD.” She even threatened to stab our hero in the neck with a pen or pencil when he talks back to her. Classic Asian mom technique. But within a span of a couple minutes, she’s completely changes her mind: “It’s okay; you can do battle with your sword and I’ll make sure you don’t die. I PROMISE.” Y’know, I’m not even mad. That’s impressive flip-flopping.

• School nurse casts “Pillow Wave.” Yep, that’s a spell name.

• The anime always cuts to one of the bad guys lurking on the school campus, usually behind a tree or some shit. Goddamn, why not hire some security guards or install a camera or two? Do you guys even care about the safety of your students? No wonder so many of them get mind-controlled…

• So Takeshi enters his dreams to do battle with his sword and Mui tags along too. Because she insisted. Nobody else bothered to object. What would be the point of objecting anyway? She insisted. Consider the matter settled.

• They go through a doorway and find themselves on a sunny beach. All of a sudden, Mui is in a bikini. Awesome!

• Then Takeshi trips and falls upon her, which causes her bikini to come undone. As you can see from the screenshot directly above, and the screenshot at the very top of this post, Mui’s bikini is both tied in the front and the back. Wow, such innovation. Anyway, are you sure you’re not an eroge, Mahou Sensou? Maybe we won’t have to do battle after all…

• In the distance, our hero spots his sword girl sitting on a swing. Time to kick her ass! Ah, but if only Takeshi’s mom didn’t appear out of nowhere to ruin the fun. Fucking Oedipus complex.

• And now Gekkou shows up too. Aw man, a dude in my dream? What is this? And his sword is even stronger than mine: “It can pierce even the strongest shield!” Quit overcompensatin’, lil bro.

• So Twilight finally enters the battle and our hero’s all like, “I will make you obey me!” Geez, dude…

• Anyway, Twilight’s about as interesting as every other monotone Rei-clone ever, i.e. not very. I get it; she’s a personification of a weapon so she doesn’t have much of a personality. Uh huh, so why do you have to make sure she’s such a cute-looking shoujo? Why bother detailing how she looks, but not how she acts? Pretty telling, isn’t it?

• When Takeshi swears he won’t give up, Twilight attacks Mui instead. As a result, Mui’s magical powers are now slowly draining out out of her. If Takeshi doesn’t give up now, his friend will die. Wow, how could we have prevented this from happening? Maybe… maybe we shouldn’t have allowed a student to tag along on such a dangerous mission… Oh my bad, I forgot that Mui had insisted. You can’t argue with that.

• But he can’t give up, yo! The headmistress told him that his relationship with Twilight is like that of parent and his child. She’s his daughter, yo! You wouldn’t abandon your cute, pinku-haired daughter, would you? Naw dawg, that would be a horrible waste of a perfectly functional shoujo. Raise her then marry her. That’s how we do it!

• Takeshi then goes, “I’m sorry. I never gave you the thing you wanted most.” So Twilight replies, “I am a sword, dumbass.” Okay, so she didn’t call him a dumbass, but you can totally tell she wanted to. Anyway, she continues, “I do not have a heart or wishes of my own.” Yeah, dumbass. Swords don’t have wishes.

• But Takeshi counters, “That’s not true. You do have a heart.” ‘Cause you’re a real anime girl, Pinocchio! And then our hero proceeds to solve everything by… by?!

• Takeshi: YOUR NAME IS ETERNA. NOW WHAT’S YOUR NAME!
Twilight: IT’S TWILIGHT KINTE.
Takeshi: I know you understand me, and I want to hear you say your name. WHAT’S YOUR NAME, GIRL!

• Yatta! He did it! Then a month later, he buys marshmallows for his girls. See? He knows how to treat them right.

• The opening guitar riff at the end of the episode kinda sounds like Seinfeld. If only.