Well, damn…

Episode summary: News of an alliance between Takeda and Uesugi cause widespread panic in Owari. Jeanne gets a War Armor of her own to pil–… I mean, she gets a War Armor of her own to orchestrate, but unfortunately, she can’t seem to activate her Regalia of p-p-purity anymore since last week’s battle. Nobunaga commands her to stare at him and, well, that literally did the trick somehow. Our manly hero then delivers a speech to his people, steeling their resolve for the upcoming war.

Notes:

• Da Vinci salvaged Caesar’s War Armor, and has renamed it Orleans! In fact, Jeanne now gets to ride it into battle. The girl is so excited that she can now actually contribute to the story rather than just standing on the sidelines. Meanwhile, someone’s being a lil’ sourpuss:

Jeez, what’s his problem?

• Elsewhere, we see Uesugi Kenshin singlehandedly defeat scores and scores of War Armors. Upon his command, the ground opens up and swallows his enemies whole. We know Nobunaga commands the power of lightning, fire, wind, and — with Jeanne’s help — a maiden’s p-p-purity! Lemme guess, Uesugi has the Regalia of earth? And when Nobunaga defeats this guy in battle, he’ll be able to summon Captain Planet, right? Or is he going to be Captain Planet himself? I await this anime’s developments with bated breath.

• I’d ask where the Regalia of water is, but I’m afraid it’ll just involve water sports somehow. Hey, you never know with anime!

• Uh, apparently Caesar is still alive and is now seeking to ally himself with Uesugi.

• Meanwhile, Mitsuhide is having nightmares where the late Nobukatsu haunts him. Hey, he deserves it. The guy later tries to justify his crime by thinking, “After many sacrifices, the Oda clan is finally uniting under Nobu’s leadership.”

Or, y’know, he could’ve just done a better job sniffing out the traitors lurking in the War Council, ousted them, and had Nobunaga rule anyway but without having to murder Nobukatsu. Instead, Mitsuhide discussed the assassination with nobody, took it upon himself to make “sacrifices,” and now those two traitorous idiots are still murmuring about Nobunaga behind everyone’s backs. So way to go, Mitsuhide. You really did a great job!

• In what universe can a society develop War Armors, a.k.a. giant, walking mechas of death, and yet its people have never heard of this mystical contraption called a speaker? This one, apparently.

• Oh look, the overplayed trope where one of the hero’s many love interests turns out to be horrendously bad at cooking. That’s right, the childbride can’t cook for shit. You’ll notice that there’s never any middle ground when it comes to anime characters’ cooking skills. They’re either incredibly brilliant at it, or incredibly bad at it.

• Somehow, even though whatever she’s cooking smells super bad, it has — and I quote — “quite a rousing flavor!” But just in case you’re not sure what “quite a rousing flavor” entails, the anime has taken the liberty to include a shot of Himiko’s womb with action lines:

Then as she runs off looking for Nobunaga, she squeals, “Please quench this burning sensation of mine!” Welp.

• According to da Vinci, “War Armors are not operated, but performed.” Whatever you say, man. We then get treated to Jeanne being all klutzy in her War Armor. Did we see this with Nobunaga? Nope. ‘Cause he’s a manly man! As we all already know, when a manly man hops into a War Armor, it’s just like putting your feet up at home and lighting up a fat cigar. Now, if the insides of Orleans had been shaped like a kitchen…

• But don’t you worry, Nobunaga’s here to catch the falling Jeanne in his manly War Armor arms:

• Back on the Star of the West, the Knights of the Round Table reconvene to feed us delicious exposition. Much like the childbride’s latest culinary concoction, this exposition is quite rousing in its storytelling flavor: “When twelve wielders of sacred power are assembled, the great Holy Grail shall appear, and the world will be saved from the brink of oblivi–” *snore*

• As for Jeanne and her wacky hijinks, it turns out that she is unable to activate her Regalia of p-p-purity on command. She probably needs to feel dokidoki in her kokoro in order to activate it or some stupid shit like that.

• News of an alliance between the remnants of Takeda and Uesugi are causing the people of Owari to flee in droves. Flee to where though? Plus, who knew Uesugi was this strong? And apparently, he’s beautiful too, according to Caesar. I guess he switch-hitter.

• Oh look, those traitorous idiots are still attempting to hatch a plan against Nobunaga. Gee, who would’ve guessed that merely killling Nobukatsu and not Nobunaga’s actual enemies wouldn’t have done the trick? Naturally, Mitsuhide is all, “Hayashi and Shibata cannot be allowed to continue.” Oh, now they cannot be allowed to continue. Not before. Uh-huh. Ichihime stops by to, uh, I guess talk Mitsuhide out of staining his hands any further, but the guy’s probably more in love with Nobunaga than the actual girls in this show: “I do not need the light. There is someone who is deserving of greater light… I merely build the foundation for his brilliance.” Yeesh, dude needs to get out more. There are plenty of pigs on the farm, y’know. Don’t have to tie yourself down to just this hog.

• Avert your eyes, young ones:

Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

• Meanwhile, Hayashi and Shibata’s brilliant plan is to just submit to Caesar. Some genius thinking right there.

• Jeanne still can’t activate her Regalia, so she requests additional training from Nobunaga. Apparently, this involves having our Savior-Pig fire an arrow right at our heroine’s head. She has to perceive mortal danger or something in order for the Regalia to come alive, I guess. But to give Jeanne the proper motivation, the following exchange occurs:

Nobunaga: “I don’t remember asking you to protect me!”

Allow me to interrupt these two briefly to remind you that our hero would’ve died in last week’s episode had she not intervened.

Jeanne: “That’s…”
Nobunaga: “I only know how to move forward. In both past and future, my feet exist only to propel me forward. I will go forward to the ends of heaven and earth and unify them under my rule. And yet, will you simply indulge your selfish to desire to protect me?”
Jeanne: “Selfish desire…”
Nobunaga: “Open your eyes and look! Look at me! Look at how great a man I am!”

And — I shit you not — Jeanne gasps as she stares right at Nobunaga. Stirring music begins to play. Images of the universe appear behind Nobunaga. It is a vision so captivating that Jeanne’s Regalia awakens!

• Then afterwards, Nobunaga delivers a “rousing” speech to all of his people thanks to the magical powers of speakers! It is so “rousing” that Nobunaga tears his shirt off in front of his own War Council:

In the end, the magnificent sight of Nobunaga’s chiseled pecs forces even the traitorous idiots to bow their heads in shame: “Uguu, we’ll lift more! We swear! And we won’t skip leg day!” Then Ichihime gives Nobunaga a fucking bowl. No, wait, it’s not just any bowl. It’s the Bowl of Emptiness!

• Here, before I end this post, have one last look at Nobunaga’s manliness:

Cherish it. You won’t see this again for at least a week.