Phrasing, Haruka, phrasing! And yeah, I usually start these posts off with the eyecatches at the end of each week’s episode, but it didn’t really make much sense this time around. After all, this is the finale episode! This is the last Rail Wars! episode we’re going to see for a long, long time (unless we are blessed enough to get a sequel). And you can’t tell me that an eyecatch like this one is good enough for a finale episode. But enough about that. Let’s send Rail Wars! off the only way we know how.

— Did we ever find out what happened to Bernina and her family? No? Hm, guess her tragedy wasn’t that important, huh?

— Right off the bat, Nana crawls onto the harem lead’s bed in order to wake him up, ’cause let’s face it: real men can’t wake themselves up. Testosterone allows us to be manly men, but it also knocks us out cold after a long day of harem leading it up, if you know what I mean. Wait a minute, Nana’s the one waking him up? But she’s neither his imouto nor his childhood friend! As such, she’s not allowed to invoke this harem cliche! But there Rail Wars! goes again! It’s always breaking all the rules! Rail Wars! is truly the rogue harem anime, trying to pretend that it’s a show about trains and everything.

— Naturally, Naoto can’t even wake up without faceplanting into Nana’s breasts. But does she get offended? Of course not! She even gives our sleepyhead that boys-will-be-boys smile. Yo, if you don’t sexually assault someone the first thing you wake up, what are you even doing with your life?

— After the OP, Naoto drools over some rare train that, according to our hero, looks like a bulldog: “Its hood is quite rare. Some people call it ‘Dog Face’ or ‘Bulldog.'” Looks more like a gopher to me, but I know nothing about trains so I’ll just defer to our resident train otaku. In any case, what are we even doing talking about trains? C’mon, people, this is the last episode of Rail Wars! As such, where are all the harem antics? I mean, you’re not going to switch gears and suddenly focus on trains at the last minute, are you?

— Of course not! Elsewhere, we see the rest of the girls have come to work early just because they’re excited to see Naoto. I gotta see him, man, I just gotta! Not only that, everyone has gathered in the locker room to talk about — who else? — the harem lead!

Gonou: “Nana called me.”
Haruka: “Did something happen to Takayama-kun?”
Aoi: “Did he get involved in something again?”

Must… protect the harem lead… my very existence depends on it… The girls are also getting very catty about it.

— Speaking of Naoto — and we’re always speaking of Naoto — he did get himself into some more trouble. Y’see, he heard a strange sound coming from the train. Oh no, baby, what’s wrong! Naoto thus immediately leapt to his feet to investigate the problem.

— Our hero basically admits that he sits around all day, listening to sounds of various trains: “I love the KiHa 381. One of my friends records the sounds of the railways, so I had a chance to listen countless times to the sounds she recorded. But I’ve never heard something like this before.” Unfortunately, the train driver is too proud to listen to Naoto. He’ll rue the day he ignored an otaku!

— Naoto proceeds to call Mari and Haruka for help regarding this little train pickle. It’s just a pure coincidence just happen to be wearing nothing but a towel when he called her. It’s funny how every time we cut to one of the girls, they’re always in some form of undressed. They just can’t keep their clothes on in this anime. But as I recall it, Mari was practically naked in front of Aoi in last week’s episode. For some reason, the girl feels the need to cover herself up in a towel even though she’s in the privacy of her own home. C’mon, Rail Wars! At least be consistent with your fanservice.

— And oh yeah, Aoi is jealous that the harem lead didn’t call her. What? You don’t think a trigger-happy battleaxe would know how to diagnose a train?

— So what’s even wrong with the gopher train? It turns out one of the fan belt had worn out. It also turns out Naoto had tried to… wait, you’re kidding me. He really tried to replace it while he’s riding the train? Are you fucking serious?

Naoto: “Once Koumi-san investigated it, she said the heat-absorbing fan belt may have been worn out.”
Nana: “But it’s only common sense that you can’t remove the engine of a running train. It’s very dangerous.”
Naoto: “Sorry.”

Holy shiiiiiiit. In the real world, this guy would be the poster child for the Darwin Awards. But in magical anime land, this genius gets to be the harem lead.

— Foiled by, y’know, a hot-as-hell train engine, Naoto decides that the better course of action would be to just look for a replacement for the worn-out fan belt. Lo and behold, Nana even has to pause and consider one of her panties.

— Still, Nana’s pink panties somehow gives Naoto the brilliant idea of using… really? Pantyhose? Who the fuck wrote this shit? You seriously think pantyhose would work in place of an actual heat-absorbing fan belt?

Nana: “Will this really be a suitable replacement?”
Naoto: “Koumi-san did research about it for me. She said it may manage to hold out until we reach Tokyo.”

What are these magical fucking pantyhouse, man? Naturally, Nana doesn’t have any spare on hand. We just gotta use the one she’s wearing right now. Plus, what is this show’s obsession with women taking off their pantyhose? This is probably the fourth or fifth time I’ve seen a female character go through the painstaking process of sliding them off her legs.

— The train proceeds to stop at a station where I assume Naoto handed Nana’s pantyhose to some poor guy and told him to use it to temporarily fix the train: “Even the driver said that the train brightened up.” Goddamn, is the train a fucking pervert too? Plus, the story’s also telling me that this station has nothing suitable to use as a fan belt. Nothing at all that remotely comes close to pantyhose. Fuck me, man. Fuck. Me.

— Uh-huh. I wish you could have a not lop-sided face. Nana proceeds to talk about the history of the train they’re riding on. I suspect Passione ran out of time, and just chose some random side story to adapt. Seriously, we’ve dealt with bombs, assassins trying to target a member of royalty, so on and so forth. But what do you give me in the last goddamn episode? A lecture about how a train used to have a very lively shop. Hoo boy, Passione is pulling out all the stops, huh?

— Oh dear, oh my… I dare say that this train is too hot… getting too hot in here! So take off all your clothes, Nana! Seriously though, what is this? Did Passione suddenly come to the realization that there isn’t enough fanservice for Nana?

Animator A: “You guys, we’ve never had an episode focus on Nana! She’s a haremette too, right?”
Animator B: “Uh, sure, yeah, whatever.”

— The train is too hot, because the air conditioner isn’t running; it turns out the service power is down. Yo, I think I know why this train is so rare: it fucking sucks. It’s literally breaking down as they’re riding it. Yeah, it’s time to take this ol’ bulldog out back.

— Once again, Naoto calls Haruka up, who proceeds to just read the train’s manual. Yeah, that’s all she ever does. She gets naked and she reads train manuals, which, by the way, is enough to to figure out how to fix these damn trains. Who needs trained professionals? Just break out the manual, bro!

— One look at the circuit breaker is enough for Nana to see that the breaker for the air conditioner was tripped. Oh no! What do we do? Obviously, you throw pantyhose at it. Pantyhose is the goddamn duct tape of this universe. It’s what binds us together. pantyhose keeps our nucleus from coming apart!

— Nah, I’m kidding. This is all it takes. THIS IS ALL IT TAKES. WHO NEEDS ELECTRICIANS?

— Nana wonders if Naoto’s loved by the Goddess of Troubles since he’s always, well, getting into trouble. Immediately, the anime cuts to Aoi, who’s having a sneezing fit. Yeah, yeah, we already know she’s in love with him. In return, she blames her sneezing on the harem lead: “I’m sure he’s cursing me.” Yeah, with his dong. You know it’s true, because Haruka is not the least bit amused. It’s too bad the show is about to end, because it really feels as though the competition for the harem lead’s love is about to heat up.

— Oh dear, our heroes hear yet another strange air noise. It turns out they didn’t manage to fix the air conditioner after all. It’s so hot, Nana sweats through her damn shirt. It’s funny how Naoto keeps his jacket on the entire time, though. We wouldn’t want to see through his shirt and potentially spot man nips, after all.

— Yeah, lady, you’re a big help. Big, big help.

— Look at the fucking gopher. Yeah, it’s in a shitty harem anime, but it’s so happy. Ain’t nothing gonna get this gopher down. It’s the best thing about this entire episode.

— So how did Naoto fix the air conditioner? We’ll never know because the story immediately jumps ahead to after the problem has already been resolved. I guess the writer ran out of ridiculous solutions after a big count of, uh, two.

— For some reason, the episode makes a big deal out of the conductor chief bowing to Naoto and thus letting loose her long, golden hair. Okay…? Yo, you already have Aoi, Haruka, Mari, Noa, Bernina, and apparently Nana as well. If the show had continued on any longer, I’m sure Gonou would’ve have joined the list. Hell, Sho would probably get so fed up with never having any lines, he’d get a goddamn sex change and become a haremette just so he can have something to say besides, “OH MAN, I’M SO HUNGRY.” My point is, does Naoto really need yet another haremette? Are you that much of a player, bro? Leave the conductor chief alone! Shit, we don’t even know her actual name!

— I think Nana’s breasts are getting bigger and bigger with each passing second. That sounds dangerous.

— See? Even Naoto has to remind the rest of the cast that Sho exists. But yeah, they return home to an empty office. Naoto feels a bit melancholy, since he won’t be able to see his haremettes until next week. Awww…

— We see the harem lead riding the subway home alone, ordering taiyaki and eating it on a park bench by himself, and calling Mari only to get no answer. Uguu, this is too depressing! Can a girl — preferably a famous and busy one — drop everything in her life and come running after this poor, lonely harem lead?!

— Oh, there we go. How nice of some idol to just stroll by… It’s even her first time shopping, you guys. And she did it all for the harem lead! Then Mari shows up! More girls! More!

— Yeah, the haremettes all decided to gather in Naoto’s room. Why not, right? I mean, it’s not like young, beautiful girls — one of them’s even a famous idol — have anything better to do with a three-day weekend…

— Yo, shut up, Sho! I don’t want to hear from you until you have massive breasts too!

— But that’s it, you guys. There’s no more Rail Wars! from here on out. I hope you all have taken away something valuable from this experience. I know I have!

Your final moment of zen: