This week’s episode of Chaika couldn’t possibly disappoint me any less. I know, I know: “You’re such a hater! You never liked Chaika anyway.” Of course you’re disappointed. You’re disappointed by everything!” But seriously, I was actually getting into the battle between Claudia and our heroes. It’s kind of silly that we rarely saw all three of them attack Claudia at the same time, but for once, it actually felt like we’re getting a tense, close battle. This sort of thing is such a rarity in anime, so you can understand why I’m actually interested in watching a Chaika episode for once. Then how does the battle resolve itself? By having Fredrika distract Claudia in her cat form. Yep, that’s the key turning point that allows our heroes to get the upper hand on the powerful wizard. Fredrika’s character is so bullshit. Ever since she was introduced to the story, she’s been nothing but one walking, talking asspull. Remember when we all thought she died in the previous cour? Whoops, it turned out she didn’t die! She can just shed her body like some kind of anime lizard! Granted, she’s a fucking dragon, but come the fuck on. Does this look like a dragon to you? Plus, this sort of thing happens all the time. They constantly put the heroes in a difficult situation, then proceed to have no clue how to pull our heroes out of said difficult situation. As a result, asspull time.

Psst. Psst. Did you know that Toru is one hot piece of irresistible manmeat? Yeah, me neither. But apparently, all of the girls want him. Well, most of the girls. Even though Fredrika was the one who distracted Claudia in the heat of battle, the latter feels the need to praise Chaika for her wonderful resolve. Y’see, Toru had acted as a decoy, so he got hit by one of Claudia’s spells. As a result, he was in great pain, and this stirred deep, powerful emotions in Chaika. As a result, she was… uh, able to shoot a distracted Claudia. Yeah, not too compelling, but the point is that Chaika is like, oh my god, so in love with Toru! Isn’t that amazing! Fine, the heroine likes the hero. Big deal. I wouldn’t care if the story stopped there. But guess who’s back? Yeah, it’s Red Chaika! Oh, did I say Red Chaika. I really meant to say Fanservice Chaika. Obviously, the Chaikas are different from each other in a lot of ways. Fanservice Chaika wants revenge, she’s angrier than White Chaika, you could say she’s consumed by rage, etc. Too bad I can’t shake the feeling that Fanservice Chaika also exists to show us a sexier side of Chaika. Oh, White Chaika is so pure and innocent! Wouldn’t it be cool though if we had another Chaika who constantly shoved her ass and vulva in our face? And oh yeah, her outfit shows off her side boobs too, and we all know how much we love side boobs!

But worst of all, Fanservice Chaika is also obsessed with Toru. Really now? She spent like what? A couple days with the guy, right? And now she wants him too. So White Chaika wants Toru. Akari always jokes about wanting Toru, but there’s very likely a grain of truth in her jokes. Fredrika constantly tells Toru that he should make a pact with her so he can become her dragoon cavalier or some shit. As a result, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m just waiting for Fredrika to admit that she’s one giant tsundere dragoon who wants Toru to ride her all the way to the skies. I mean, what’s next? Shit, Vivi’s already a half-Chaika. Maybe half of her can want Toru, and the other half can blame our hero for Alveric’s death. This way, we can fantasize all about the wonderful hate sex they might have. Seriously though, why do we need to turn every single story into one giant harem? There’s a reason why I can’t just sit back and enjoy Hitsugi no Chaika’s simpler “Let’s go on an adventure!” narrative, because it’s jam-packed with these jarring animeisms like how 90% of the important female characters are inexplicably obsessed with the male lead. And look, if this sort of thing happens in a show like Shingeki no Bahamut: Genesis, I’ll lose respect for it too. I’ve got nothing personal against this anime or any anime. It’s not my fault it just can’t help having so many of these lame-as-fuck elements.

The rest of the episode basically repeats itself. Vivi and Curren talk about how they never found any documents regarding Gaz’s magical techniques and whatnot shortly following the war. Those same documents might, however, be found on some island where Gaz’s fortune is also hidden. Guess what? Guy also tells Red Chaika all about said fortune, so she’s headed there too. Then surprise, surprise, Claudia has one long talk with White Chaika about the same exact thing. I hope you liked hearing three different conversations on the same topic. Near the end of the episode, White Chaika has a bad dream where she sees herself being beheaded by one of the heroes of the punitive force. She can’t help but wonder how she can have such a memory if she’s currently still alive. I’m hoping Gaz simply split his personality into several different female homunculi, giving rise to the many Chaikas that we see before us. Congrats, Toru. Your diminutive lover is really an ancient ass wizard. But I digress. Point is, White Chaika is now full of existential angst and shit. Is she the real Chaika? And if not, then what is she? Well, let’s go look for the Emperor’s fortune and find out! As a result, our Chaikas are on a messy collision course for each other.

When this is all said and done, provided that they don’t kill each other, our Chaikas should get together and do a sitcom spinoff. You can even call it Two and A Half Chaikas. I’m sure it’d be a blast. Then White Chaika can get involved in some real life scandals, thereby forcing her off the show. I’d watch it.