To our Colorful Soul Relocation Program!

In your new life, you will enroll in the fine Inspiration Academy to hone your craft. Instead of pontificating about the lyrical form of stories, you learn to appreciate life ’cause that’s what makes a great writer. “Father of the Japanese short story?” Yeah, well, where did that get you in your previous life, huh? Nowhere, buddy. But enough about the past. At last, you’re writing stories for the common people. （　´_ゝ`）

For far too long, you’ve shackled yourself to the dinosaurs of the past like that downer Soseki Natsume. Here at the academy, you’ll find highly qualified teachers to mold your raw talent:

Your classmates, too, will become your invaluable muses. See, in your old life, you failed to compartmentalize your characters into recognizable and easily digestible tropes. How else will readers relate to your stories? You can learn a thing or two from the brilliance of anime, Akutagawa-sensei.

I found your “Kappa” short story wordy and pretentious. I’m glad to see you move onto bigger and better things like creepy rape fiction. See?

I’m so flattered you would rape me in a story.

The girl wasn’t even offended. I bet I know what would offend her though… “RASHOMON.” (`ヘ´) Likewise, “The Spider Thread” was rather lacking, but here at Inspiration Academy, we’ll teach a thing or two about threads.

You used to write boring prose like this:

If you had this sort of success, you wouldn’t have committed suicide at 35!

“But oh, how strange it was to see the painter now, standing absolutely rigid before the pillar of fire. Yoshihide — who only a few moments earlier had seemed to be suffering the torments of hell — stood there with arms locked across his chest as if he had forgotten even the presence of His Lordship, his whole wrinkled face now suffused with an inexpressible radiance — the radiance of religious ecstacy.”

Like… snore! — am I right? But after studying at Inspiration Academy, you’ll be tearing it up in no time:

“His only thought was plunging his newborn snake deep into the slick, young underbrush.”

Kudos to you, Akutagawa-sensei! I can’t wait to see your career has in store for us avid readers!