Why couldn’t the Olympics last forever? Why can’t I escape this harem nightmare? Oh Lord, if thou art in heaven, strike these harems down now! Strike them down, Lord. Let these puerile tales taint not another mind!

Anyway, here’s a quick recap of our first four entries in case anyone’s forgotten, but c’mon, who could ever forget something as riveting as Harem Hill?

KKK! — 10745
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 8950
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 5960

For any newcomers to Harem Hill, I had been measuring the utter shittiness of a handful of shows before the Olympics had to come and muck everything up. Fanservice, plot stupidity, overused anime tropes — these are all qualities that I am tracking. For every instance of utter shititude that I deem worthy, I will assign an anime points (that don’t matter). Who put me in charge of grading these shows? Well, you’re always free to watch all five of these shows back to back to back to back to back.

Now, what is the KKK! alliance for our newcomers? Y’see, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate and [K]ampione! couldn’t just suck; they were also bad at being bad harems. There’s nothing worse than being dreadfully mediocre. Few expected Kono Naka ni Hitori, Imouto ga Iru to be such a shitty harem though. Incestuous, heteronormative and probably misogynist to boot, Imouto has taken the easily-amusing aniblogging world by storm. The lesser harems were just all too eager to hop aboard the train to the nadir of human achievement.

Still, the KKK! alliance has one keen disadvantage: a lack of nipples. It’s not as though our lesser harems lack fanservice. Oh no no no no, you will get all sorts of underboob, overboob, side boob, inner boob, spiritual boobs, ecumenical boobs… but alas, the nipple is missing. That peak represents the epitome of sexual expression in anime, and boy, do Dekinai and Estetica have nipples in spades.

Okay, that’s enough of an introduction. Let’s get started by revisiting an old friend, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate. Ah, perhaps the most mundane of the five, Chocolate is your Mitt Romney of harems. Bland and undaring, this harem aims to to win by default. Whereas other shows will eventually cross the point of no return for utter harem depravity — the Shitschild Radius — Chocolate will emerge victorious when anime fans can only shrug and admit, “Well, it wasn’t as bad as the other shows….”

Like this very post, Chocolate opens with a recap: “To save the Food Research Club, the invaluable place where he could spend time with his closest, long-time female friend, Oojima Yuuki decided to take part in the [student council] election.” Ah yes, because in anime, friends cannot hang out after school. Nay, once you leave school grounds, you must return home post-haste! As such, only clubrooms exist as sanctuaries for our wayward potential lovers. Why else would one run for student council president? For the love of the school? For the love of the student body? No, it is for my friend who I see every morning, every day, and every night! For the clubroom, I say, the clubrooooooom (500). Why, Chocolate is nothing more than a modern-day retelling of Macbeth: “All the Pocky sticks of Akihabara will not sweeten this little hand if I may not munch it in my clubroom!”

But what’s this? Baking? A pink apron? Say it isn’t so, Yuuki. What is all this femininity I’m seeing? I’m sorry, sir, but only females are allowed to cook in harems. You let them bring bento boxes to you, not the other way around! This flagrant disrespect for my masculine needs will not be ignored (-100)!

Some girl — I am told that she is Mifuyu but I am destined to forget this little nugget of info — laments that because she was held back as a result of her illness, all of her classmates are very respectful around her: “It was both stressful and painful.” The horror (100)!

Do you remember how the fourth episode ended? A girl had her panties stolen by bullies. Yep, I’m not joking: in Japan, even bullies will sexually harass you. So do you think the anime will decide to continue this plot thread? Do you think the anime will decide to go with a story with any sort of urgency (even if it’s a little hammy in execution)? No! Instead, have a baking montage instead. Yes, why ramp up the tension and keep viewers glued to their seats? Clearly, we are already riveted by Oojima’s ability to roll shit up. Chocolate is the special kind of shit harem in that it is agonizingly boring (250). A perfect mix of drama, intrigue and love my ass.

It isn’t until halfway through the episode that our bullying victim shows up. She tells our hero that she has been assigned to work with him: “It’s an amazing coincidence that I was matched up with you when there are over a hundred candidates.” Over a hundred candidates (250)?! What? Sadly, my nation of over three-hundred million people can only manage to trot out two candidates every four years for our student council top job!

For twelve whole minutes to start the episode, we do not even leave the clubroom. That’s how sanctified it is! That’s why the hero has to do all he can to save the clubroom even if this means taking a job he’s unqualified for! Perhaps if you, dear viewer, gaze at this clubroom long enough, you’ll understand too. That’s why half the episode was wasted on it, after all (250). It’s not because the story is just shit. When the anime does change its scenery, we’re treated to a primary election event that seems eerily similar to an anime convention:

The rest of the episode is just bland humor. Bland like Mitt Romney.

Misc. rundown: the anime thinks it’s Oojima-Ooshima joke is funny for the umpteenth time; it’s not (100). More yaoi jokes aplenty ’cause homosexuality is just one big joke (100×3). Boob-planting (250) from a faculty member because young female teachers have no lives outside of seducing sexless anime protagonists (250). Look at Oojima’s face though… “Bwaaah, a woman on my lap. It’s like I’m in an adaptation of a shitty eroge!” Later on, there’s pointless cosplay just because it’s anime (100). Shameless cosplay too (100).

Oh look, 2350 points in just one episode. Usually, I let Chocolate pure-strained dullness slide, but for ruining my Friday morning, you get all the points!

KKK! — 13095
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 8950
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 5960

Last time we left off, Dekinai managed to close the substantial gap between it and the KKK! alliance, but can it continue the momentum?

It’s time for Cule to join the harem. Sure, sure, it was fait accompli, but at least we’ve made it official now. After all, even if Ryosuke shamelessly gropes his haremettes and drools over their bodies, he’s not a bad person ’cause he cares. And just by listening to some deranged childhood friend, Cule naturally falls in love with our perverted hero (250). What woman could resist such a heroic figure? He’s so hot, he melts her popsicle (maybe he’s a California boi?):

Most of the episode follows Ryousuke’s haremettes as they observe him “training.” You see, he has to practice imagining perverted shit to generate energy for Lisara. How does one practice one’s imagination? Ryousuke pretends that he has an invisible dictionary. Yes… (250) This all comes to a head when our hero uses his amazing imagination to save the day. Wait, you say, I don’t see anything. That’s ’cause you’re not feeling it!

C’mon, try harder. C’mon… don’t use your logic. Just use your doting female heart:

Ta-da (250)! Of course, different people see different things. Here’s what Mina sees:

So why horses for Cule? Does she clop? Our hero is focused, however, at the task at hand. He must save the day by pretending that he can see naked girls everywhere (250+150):

But when Lisara still can’t beat the monster, the anime trots out the cliches: Ryousuke has some legendary sword within him that can destroy the enemy in one hit. Somehow, a mysterious figure is watching the entire thing unfold because magic (100). He also says our favorite anime word: “Omoshiroi” (50).

Misc. rundown: Here’s Cule doing her best Edward impersonation (100). As usual, we have some tentacle monster to humiliate Lisara not once but twice (250×2). There’s also some unspecified amount of breast physics that I am not going to waste my time counting (300).

Dekinai weighs in at 2200 points, which would normally be respectable, but Chocolate was extraordinarily boring this week and beats it.

KKK! — 13095
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 11150
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 5960

The gap between the top and bottom are growing, and it may grow even still with Campione! and Imouto left to bat for team KKK!

But aside from a lurid shot of Erica to start things off (250), the episode is barren of fanservice. We only get a bit of skin at the end when Yuri is bathing, but alas, no male is there to ogle her but the audience (150). Rather, as I’ve mentioned before, the episode is just full of light-hearted fare, and this usually means tropes, tropes, and more tropes. For instance, is a high school boy ashamed to even hold a woman’s bra? You bet (250)! Is there a mysterious figure in the dark planning to do evil things instead of getting some proper lighting for his dwelling? You bet (50)! Will a girl make a giant-ass bento for a guy she barely knows because women are born to cook for men? You bet (50)! Will the hero squirm as a girl sits on his lap? Of course (50). Will the haremettes squabble over a guy too dense to realize that people are in love with him? Naturally (50).

Does this provide anime with yet another opportunity to pit the chaste, prudish shrine maidens of the East against the loose, slutty women of the West? Awesome (250). And there’s no other way to have this drama play out than to have the characters play baseball, the most boring of the major sports (50). Oh, Erica is too strong for our dainty maiden of Nippon? Fear not, weeaboos. When it comes to the bento battle, no one can ever beat a true Japanese woman of anime:

If all of that looks like it would take hours to make, it’s because it probably does! But it’s okay, wasting hours to cook for a male friend is normal behavior (250). Everyone can then coo, “Oiiiiishiiiii” (50). The rest of the anime was so lame, I’ll just start tabulating Campione!‘s points now: 1450. Hm, not bad. The sheer amount of tropes ended up giving Campione! a solid result in shittiness.

KKK! — 14545
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 11150
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 5960

Uh oh, that lead is growing. What are you going to do now, Estetica?

Other than some perfunctory shounen dick-waving to start things off (100), the fifth episode of Estetica is strictly about buying bras. I don’t think I really have to get into the “story” or the dialogue. Rather, just enjoy the onslaught of fanservice that is about to ensue. Patronizing head-pats (150):

The main heroine lamenting her giant boobs:

She’s going to spend much of this episode topless, so let’s just give her 1500 points right off the bat. It’s a good thing then that the hero has been creepily watching her the entire time. Peeping is cool (350). No time to worry about that though. Clearly, the bigger issue here is how the heroine accidentally managed to tear the bra she was trying out (250). Out of nowhere, a member of the student council shows up in bondage gear (250). Why? Because it would be harder for our panty-stealing hero to swipe. Y’know, instead of telling him to stop doing something so inappropriate, the responsibility rests entirely on the female to protect herself. May as well wear a chastity belt (250).

Nevertheless, the episode is about how to get out of paying for a bra: how will the hero convince the store lady that Myuu wasn’t responsible for tearing it? Easily. By poking the back of her neck (250), cracking some of her bones (100), and judiciously molesting her breasts in front of her friends and strangers (350), Ousawa will make her boobs bigger. He thus proves to the store lady that she had given Myuu a bra that was simply too small. Girls, if you are insecure about your chest, just let some creep manhandle them and relieve your stress. Stress can literally make your bra size go down (250). In the end, Myuu isn’t even outraged. No, she’s sad that she has been a bother to the man who just groped her boobs (250). We — as in the guy who killed the demon king and stole me back to earth while I was naked — are all family, after all.

But wait, there’s more! Myuu is now humiliated because her underwear is see-through. What ever shall we do?

Really, if you actually watched this episode, go back and look how the girls react. They just stay completely still with their mouths shrinking and enlarging while they moan. Top notch (350×3+250). I guess I don’t get it. Are there people out there watching all this panty-stealing and slapping their thighs, “Oh dat Ousawa! He’s dunnit again, hyuk hyuk! Them girls never saw it coming!”

In the end, Estetica grabs 5350 points for itself.

KKK! — 14545
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 11310
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 11150

One harem to go: Revenge of the Imouto.

(Click me.)

“Do you remember how I came to see you at your father’s funeral?” No, I don’t remember that. Sure, sure, the possibility of the unreliable narrator exists, but in Imouto (100)? Eh, I dunno…. In any case, why does he not wonder if it’s still Konoe fucking with him? Instead, he just takes her penis joke with stride (100). Well, I guess he considers it for a split second, but then brushes it aside just as quickly.

Unfortunately, the rest of the episode is incredibly boring. The Imouto continues to call Shougo early in the morning, leaving him exhausted for the rest of the day. Here’s a solution: TURN THE PHONE OFF (250). But that would be too convenient. The rest of the episode deals with the bespectacled Mei and her maid cafe. None of it is interesting or shocking.

Rundown: Shougo imagines cream puff girl in one of those naked aprons (150). Miyabi nonchalantly shows off her bathing suit under her skirt (100). Naturally, Shougo has to act like a typical anime protagonist and turn away (50). When he tries to pull her skirt back down, the skirt is made of tissue and falls right off. Since we’re just getting more of the same fanservice, however, whatever. Moments later, Shougo freaks out at the sight of a completely clothed girl sleeping (50). There’s some nude shower scenes later (150), but it’s all marred by bloom (-100).

Imouto has really disappointed me. For once, its companions do more of the heavy lifting. Still, despite the paltry 850 points that the anime racked up, KKK! continues to stand pretty.

KKK! — 15395
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 11310
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 11150

With a healthy 4000-point lead, the lesser harems are giving our AT-X shows a good beating. To be fair, however, Estetica did gain the most ground this week. Still, with two Imouto episodes slated next week, perhaps we’ve found a runaway horse. After all, if either Dekinai or Estetica suddenly decide to focus on plot, they may not have the chops to catch up. And boy am I excited to waste my life away on such shitty harems.