Harem Hill Week 11: One harem down, four more to go

The queue for Guild Wars 2‘s World vs. World is taking forever to pop, so I’m bored enough to do another Harem Hill right now. Plus, I’ve got a ton of football to watch tomorrow so getting this post out of the way just makes perfect sense.

When we last watched Dekinai, the world was in bad shape… which is why Ryousuke’s mom trots back into the picture no worse for wear. Where has she been hiding this whole time? Ah, who knows, who cares. It’s all about Ryousuke, the one character with the penis, am I right? Right (250). We only care about saving the hero.

(By the way, if you want to draw Ryousuke’s mom, just take his head, tint his hair brown, give him some eye lashes and lipstick, a wrinkle here and there, and voila!)

In fact, that’s exactly what our heroines set out to do. Everyone gathers in the living room to formulate a plan on exactly how to save that little molesting scamp. I mean, I can’t even believe this is an arc let alone the final arc. What are we going to do about the fucked-up world? Ah who cares, let’s go save some ecchi asshole instead. The episode is thus aptly subtitled, “Love Comes True” (250).

Well actually, there’s this world around yo…u… actually, you know what? I didn’t want to live on this planet anymore anyway. Most of my readers have played Persona 3, right? Remember how the last couple of in-game months was super depressing because everyone was morose over the fact that Nyx was going to fuck shit up. Yeah, it’s sort of the same thing here except none of the characters are likable. But hey, tits!

I like how in Ryousuke’s final days, he makes sure to tidy up his dirty magazines. Ah yes, gotta keep these cum-stained rags in mint condition (250). So the girls hatch this plan to put Ryousuke and Mina, the childhood friend for those keeping track, on a date. After all, she’s the special specimen! And if her power kicks in, it will definitely save Ryousuke. How? Why? The power of fucking love, man (100). Do you even need to ask? So there you go… I’m sure Dekinai is almost done with. This has to be a 12- or 13-episode series at best, and the 11th episode is a fucking date between the main character and his well-endowed childhood friend (250).

Let’s have fun, Mina says, in our radioactive green world that is pretty much empty of any life except, of course, the most important women in Ryousuke’s life. The harem never dies. The harem is unending. Whoa, wait, I spoke too soon, because out of nowhere, a weirdass-looking dog (what a tiny head):

Maybe the couple will play with the dog because pets are awesome. Studies have even shown that pet owners tend to live happier, longer lives! Wonderful, isn’t it? Which is why Cule decides to shoot a tiny, blue prawn into one of the poor dog’s ears (yes, you read that), causing it to go rabid, and attack our couple (100).

‘Cause nothing says romance like a visit from Cujo (250). No, really! Ryousuke pulls Mina out of the way and… well, look at her face:

Should we keep our wits about us? Keep our eyes peeled for the rabid dog that just flew by literally a second ago? No, the sheer power of the romance in Ryousuke’s single action — that sexy pull — leaves Mina awestruck (100).

Y’all can’t even hold hands right. I don’t normally entertain the thought of forced sterilization, but I’m not sure anymore! So we cut to Debbie Downer — some four-eyed girl that just showed up an episode ago so I haven’t learned her name — telling Ryousuke’s mom that he’s going to die no matter what. She even re-iterates that from her experience, Lisara’s plan will 100% fail. What say you, Ryousuke’s mom? It’ll work. ‘Cause love. Love owns.

Back to our loving couple, we find them running through an abandoned mall, which is — I must add — fully operational. In fact, when they enter the movie theater, the PA system announces, “Due to the nation’s condition, your film may experience technical difficulties at times.” Wow! A near cataclysmic event has rocked the nation, but Japanese malls are still airing movies! In fact, they’ve even recorded a message for such contingencies! What a hard-working nation (250)!

In Dawn of the Living Dead, putting zombies in a mall serves as a commentary on American (or perhaps modern) consumerism. In Dekinai, our star-crossed lovers retreat to the mall because… because fuck, that’s where teens go and I can’t write for shit (250). It’s okay. We’ll just make up some bullshit analysis since that’s what we do here on anime blogs.

Y’see, love in the 21st century is dead. Dead, I tell ya. Even an earth-shattering event cannot derail the inanity of which the contemporary mating ritual entails. Come hell or high water, we are still trapped in this little dance around the Hallmark ideas of what constitutes a proper date: going to the park, going to the mall, etc. This is why Ilia, who’s observing our couple from afar, feels the need to chime in with the following comment: “A proper date, wouldn’t you say?” Love is static; it cannot adapt. The characters know that Ryousuke isn’t likely to live much longer, but instead of finding ways for him to live his life to the fullest, he is trapped within this cruel, rigid pattern of what constitutes a “proper date.” Dekinai is thus the modern anti-Cupid of our times, with its caustic, sardonic look at modern couples! Yase, yase, I think this analysis will do quite well.

Anyway, there’s really nothing else to talk about. The couple window shop, play a crane game, play dress-up with Mina’s comically large breasts (150), eat ice cream… we’ve gone from psychedelic soldiers riding flying red prawns to… well, this:

The show should get 1000 points alone for being such a giant flaming ball of shit melodrama. Predictably enough, Ryousuke doesn’t return Mina’s feelings. When Lisara demands to know why, he tells her that he really loves her instead. That’s not the funny part. This is the funny part: Ryousuke confesses, “Our first encounter was the worst, wasn’t it? You stabbed me out of the blue. You were quite brazen.” Yup, no mention of his crotch-staring, boob-grabbing self. She, on the other hand, was such a little spitfire (250)! Then Ryousuke collapses. We all know he’s not really dead, but one can always hope… maybe Santa is real…

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 31650
KKK! — 30245
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 23360

And with that, Dekinai flies to the top of the shitheap. We’re so close to finding out summer’s King of Shit Harem, so let’s move right on to Estetica. When we last left off, Ousawa was still locked in battle with the dastardly… Phil. With a name like that, it’s just natural that he’s allied himself with an equally menacing white/pinkish dragon that looks like it has Mickey Mouse hands (100):

But Ousawa’s too alpha male for this shit, poisoned or not. Still, Myuu hatches a plan to buy her man some time, which includes a pointless wind attack and copious breast physics if she so much as moves an inch of her body (150). What follows is the power of friendship as both Kuzuha and Chikage show up to help Myuu. Even though Chikage was hit with a critical attack, she seems to be okay now. All you really need is a few bandages hastily applied to your head, after all (150). She then proceeds to pull off said bandages to reveal… *drumroll* …no wounds whatsoever (250)! Ousawa is forced to accept the two girls’ help. Ho ho ho, is our alpha male being emasculated already?

Cue a bunch of boring ass action. I’m not going to bother commenting on that shit. Ah, except for this part: “Using magic, I concentrated the hydrogen in the atmosphere, then ignited it with magical sparks.” Yase, the bountiful hydrogen in our atmosphere. Y’know, all 0.55 ppmv (parts per million by volume) of it. If I haven’t made myself painfully clear, lessee… carry the one… that equates to 0.000055% of our atmosphere (1000). Oh yeah, here’s Myuu right before charging up a super mega attack:

Here’s her mid-cast:

Why did a black ball appear around her crotch? Why did it continue to blacken as she continued casting (250)? Whatever. The bit characters lose because only Goku Ousawa can save the day at the last minute. In the meantime, the dragon uses its tentacles (yes, it has tentacles) to restrain Myuu and accentuate her ample bosom (350).

Fuck it, we’re so close anyway so let’s move onto the final episode. Ousawa’s sword disintegrates to add some fake tension to the final battle (100). Myuu begs him to stop fighting as if there was any other alternative (100). What was he going to do? Just tuck tail and run? With the help of his friends (this includes the vice student council president despite the fact that Ousawa has done nothing but torment and steal her underwear) and their “power rings,” his sword comes back and he cleaves the dragon in two… and then the whole fucking thing explodes!

Or maybe the dragon was just made of concentrated hydrogen, I dunno! Either way, Michael Bay would’ve been proud (250). How do you send off this awesome climactic fight! By having a room full of shady characters say a bunch of vague shit (50) about a Y Plan, a Scarlet Dusk and the Light of Babel. We’re even told that the Y Plan must be carried out at all cost. Not only that, fantasy video game land reports that they’re being attacked by demons. You know, this same world that has barely been in the story at all except for the first episode and some bit scenes scattered throughout the last twelve episodes. What happens to it now is actually super, super important! Sweet! I love having critical plot elements being introduced in the final episode! So many loose ends! Do I smell a sequel, guys? Oh man, please tell me there’ll be an Estetica 2, because how can I live in a world without this:

I knew Estetica wouldn’t let me down. We opened with sexual molestation, so it’s only natural that we close with it too (350). And with that, our friends lock hands and beam off to fantasy video game land to battle demons (250).

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 31650
KKK! — 30245
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 26710

Ah, what a pity. Even though Estetica racked up an impressive 3350 points in its last two episodes, it still loses to Dekinai, which hasn’t even finished airing. Do the numbers add up though? I think so. In the end, I must grudgingly admit that if I was forced to make a choice, I’d rather watch Estetica over the shitheap that is Dekinai. But is Dekinai such a shitty harem that it’s even worse than watching Campione!, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate, and Imouto back-to-back-to-back? We shall see.

And thus begins Imouto‘s 11th episode; Shougo wakes up from a terrible nightmare! How do I know it’s a nightmare? Look at the screencap above — how could it be anything but! When we last left off, a girl by the name of Yuzurina had barged her way into Shougo’s life and claimed to be his sister. Even worse, it seems as though she’s planning to shame our rich playboy. And worst of all, nether cleavage!

The sight of it alone is enough to send our poor hero into a painful coughing fit (250). Before you know it, Shougo’s imagining his half-sister in a naked apron (250).

Yes, she’s likely not his real half-sister, but you think the dumbass knows that? Nope. Even better, he fantasizes about himself as well. Way to look all weird and shit in your dreams, bro (250):

Yuzurina’s just running circles around Shougo in a game of smarts, and it’s not because she’s a criminal mastermind or anything. Shougo’s just that stupid. Oh right, didn’t some voice claim to be Shougo’s sister at his father’s funeral? Wouldn’t Yuzurina know anything about that? Yuzurina is actually a little perplexed by Shougo’s questioning, but that alone isn’t enough to arouse his suspicion whatsoever. Rather, she’s able to deflect the issue by asking, “Wasn’t that a prank?” This guy, man… this guy is going to be a head of a very powerful group (250). I’d say sell your shares now.

Cream puff girl lives up to her name:

Back to Yuzurina, Shougo and their riveting dinner conversations, Yuzurina feeds Shougo the bullshit that Konoe was really at his father’s funeral. Wait, wouldn’t that mean Konoe lied? Well, surely I’ll believe this strange girl who claims to be my half-sister — using evidence from a lady who we know is scheming against me, by the way — over a friend I’ve gotten to know (250). Shougo… he’s gotta be missing a chromosome or two. So when he sudden gains this epiphany later on in the episode, it’s like what?

It just isn’t very believable. What did Shougo realize anyway? Probably something to do with Miyabi and the entrance exam, but I’ll leave that to people who actually give a damn about the plot to dissect. Honestly though, besides Shougo’s initial bit of stupidity, this episode is surprisingly lacking in much to pillory. What follows is a boring ass montage of a date between Shougo and Miyabi, but there’s nothing there to take note of unless you’re interested in a plot discussion. With the dramatic reveal at the end about Yuzurina, there can’t be more than an episode left, right?

Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 31650
KKK! — 31495
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 26710

Campione!, however, can’t be ending any time soon as it introduces Ena, yet another girl for Godou’s harem (250). Before we get into the anime, have a look at her description on a certain online encylopedia: “She is a beautiful black haired girl and has a voluptuous body with curves, breasts, and buttocks….” Wow, thanks for being so thorough, guys. I never knew a body could have breasts and buttocks! As Estetica has keenly demonstrated, however, just because there are… oh, a gajillion loose ends doesn’t mean squat. We can end our story whenever and however we please and you’ll just sit tight for the equally shitty sequel. But anyway, we were talking about the neverending haremettes…

There’s really no bright side, huh? With sister-fuckers (Imouto) and unrepentant sexual molesters (Dekinai and Estetica), you might think Campione! wouldn’t have to do much to emerge from the shitpile smelling a little rosier than the rest, but no. Campione! is literally about a guy with a bunch of subservient child-wives at his beck and call (350); he could put Mormons to shame. So pick your poison, ladies? Do you want incest, rape, or servitude for the rest of your life? Or, y’know, stuff yourself with chocolate everyday because you can’t get over your brother’s death…

Even better, Erica shows up and tells the other two girls to get out. How do they respond? They simply obey (250). Yeah, yeah, there’s a historical context here in that men have had multiple wives in various Asian cultures. I also don’t give a shit. You’re not going to convince me that this is all cool and dandy in an anime about contemporary characters pretending to fight mythological gods.

Godou’s haremettes (besides Erica, of course) are then depressed because he only considers them to be his friend. Fixing this problem somehow involves going on a date with Erica, and as such, we’re treated to yet another one of those amazing montages of two people full of chemistry having a fun day on the town (50). That makes that… what? Three dating montages already? Boy, anime series sure like to differentiate itself from other series.

First, I have no idea what’s going on with Ena’s hair (50). Second, just look at the subtitles there (250). Yeah, she just crashes the date to fight for Japanese purity. Awesome. More awesomeness: Ena’s grampa yanks Godou into an “intermediate” world, whatever that means. Oh oh oh, lemme guess. Godou needs to get the grampa’s blessing in order to add Ena to his harem, right? ‘Cause y’know, since we’re already dealing with one antiquated ideal about love and marriage, why not throw another one onto the pile? We’ll find out next week if this is the case.

KKK! — 32695
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 31650
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 26710

Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate… it’s really not Harem Hill material, but it’s also hopelessly dramatic.

The latter half of the series may as well have been some sappy Korean live drama instead. Chisato wants Yuuki to be her replacement brother, but Yuuki is afraid that he’ll be abandoned by her if she gets over her grief, so he abandons her first! Oh the twists and turns! The days of our lives! All of this is framed by a tens of billions of yen conspiracy involving the school, an attempted murder, an operative trapped in a coma, and a dear friend willing to sell out his values in order to save her life~! And this all started because some dork decided to run for student council president just to save his crappy club from being closed.

Yes, a lot of people will enjoy this dramatic escalation from a silly story to… this web of “intrigue” that we’re currently watching, but I find the whole thing rather ridiculous and overwrought. I mean, just look at Mifuyu’s “drama.” She’s embarrassed about the scar on her stomach, but she wants to share Chisato’s pain. As a result, she’s going to bare her midriff. Let’s see that unsightly, totally-embarrassing scar!

I mean, c’mon, are you fucking serious? But of course, Mifuyu shakes like a leaf. Chisato has to bearhug her friend before Mifuyu can show the world what a disfigured freak she is!

Look, I don’t mind political intrigue; in fact, I love that shit. This episode wasn’t bad. Actually, I’ll just come out and say it was kinda enjoyable to watch. I’m even going to go as far as to admit that escalating from “dork who wants to save his food club” to “high school embroiled in corruption” is a premise with a ton of potential. It’s just… I can’t forget those shitty episodes of Yuuki baking pastries for literally half an episode or eating dinner at his teacher’s house. They should have cut all of that pointless nonsense out and just focused on the political drama. Had that been the case, I might’ve even enjoyed Chocolate in its entirety. As it stands, however, there’s probably about an hour’s worth of watchable content buried beneath a mountain of crap. How many people out there stuck it out this far? Just answer that question.

Oh yeah, Morishita retrieves Kana, the comatose operative, from the hospital, plays Kana’s harmonica, and this wakes Kana up. Yup. Again, while I sorta enjoyed the episode, that doesn’t mean Chocolate isn’t still chock full of cheese and cornball.

Again, no points added or deducted. Frankly, I think that’s giving enough respect to Chocolate for what it has become.

KKK! — 32695
Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai — 31650
Hagure Yuusha no Estetica — 26710


13 Replies to “Harem Hill Week 11: One harem down, four more to go”

  1. Chocolate should have been a post election President Oojima struggling to bring his reforms to reality with the help of his friend zoned Childhood friend Chisato and the connections of his rival and now girlfriend, Satsuki, against Oosawa and reactionary elements of the Kitahara faction, while acting to prevent an impeding financial deficit. With the story of Chocolate in brief, tolerable flashbacks of the high point. And with lots of politics, and written by Urobuchi

    1. and written by Urobuchi

      You do realize that this doom the story to end in insanity, betrayal, corruption, and death, right?

      …come to think of it, that would be awesome! Chocolate no Uta! Chocolate of Inferno!

    1. That was probably the only redeeming thing about the battle. Then I go to anime forums and see people praise the show because they just love the shit out of the alpha male main character.

  2. Chocolate is on my personal shit list just because of that scar bit. The fact the scar is THAT is both hilarious and pretty offensive to me as someone who has scars of their own. That’s not a scar but a paper cut, which is only made to seem that much less horrible because it’s on a perfectly washboard belly devoid of any other human blemishes.
    -I wonder if Dumbass (protagonist) from “Imouto” ends up with his real sister at the end. Considering the current popular trend and how stupid the protagonist is, it could happen. Imagine? There’s the wedding, all nice and going off without a hitch. Then it fades into the first time the happy newlyweds get an ultrasound of their bundle of unborn joy, only for the screen to show a flipperd fish-like abomination perpetually screaming at the angst of its own existence. Dumbass screams all Higurashi-face style and it immediately cut to credits, which play out happily as if a crime against human decency and common sense hadn’t just been committed.
    You know, much like the entire show, really.

    1. -I wonder if Dumbass (protagonist) from “Imouto” ends up with his real sister at the end.

      He’ll pick nobody, leaving open the possibility of a sequel. His mom confesses to him that she’s not really his mom. He goes off to college. One of these hot professors could be his real mom! What will he do? Kono Naka ni Hitori, Okasan ga Iru! Mister X makes a return as an undercover dean of student affairs and whacky hijinks ensue.

        1. Plausible? It’s practically guaranteed! Having a relationship would mean character development, and how would the target audience ever identify with Shougo if, unlike them, he actually got a girl?

          Harem leads are like The Joker – always trailing just behind some goal (sex and/or boyfriend-dom) without a clue what they would do if they actually got it. The horrible truth is they’ve been teased and tempted for so long that it’s all they know, all they ever wish to know. That’s why they feign prudishness and defuse any situation that becomes too romantic with ludicrous excuses as soon as possible. They’re terrified of what lies beyond the ecchi boob grab; the shower walk-in; the unruly bikini string. For all they know, next could be the part where you cuddle a bit too hard and the following morning an alien explodes out of your ribcage.

          Such is the terrible nature of the harem. It’s not blandness that keeps the status quo – it’s fear.

        2. Not merely fear. Money. So long as these shows remain profitable, they shall abide, to the dismay of all of us, and to the benefit of the Harem Hill.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.