Winter 2014 Harem Hill, Week 6: Drown yourself in man love!

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Despite what the image above says, don’t get your hopes up. In any case, I want to speed these Harem Hill posts up some. No, it’s not that I want to slack off and cut corners. Rather, I think the highlights from each episode are all we need. I’ll still give you guys the general gist of what happens in each anime so that the highlights have some context, but I’ll try not to bog these Harem Hill entries down in minutia anymore. Unless, of course, people prefer the old way. If that’s the case, then let me know.

* * * * *

Nourin Ep. 5

Not really a harem episode, so I’ll just give you guys the highlights. At one point, our group of four friends run out of miso paste, so they have to go up to Class 2-B to ask the Biotech Division for a refill. There, Bio Suzuki is more than willing to part with her deluxe miso so long as Kousaku and Kei perform an experiment for her. She wants to test out a yogurt’s effect on a person’s skin, so she gives the two boys water guns filled with said yogurt. And, well, let the games begin:

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Bio Suzuki makes sure to remind the two friends how to bukkake properly…

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After all, you wouldn’t want to waste a single drop. Kei gets a little too excited about the whole thing, which leaves our harem lead in quite a sticky mess…

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Oh well, it’s all just fun and games, right?

Later, the group ends up in the forest for some reason. Bio Suzuki tells Kousaku that Class 2-F is on the move, but I have no clue what that means, In any case, the four of them run into the Forest Division, a class of manly but lonely guys. Y’see, they’re so manly from living out here in the forest and working with their wood that they don’t understand why mamby-pamby losers like Kousaku gets all the female attention. Whatever. We’re here for the highlights. You guys have seen Minori plenty throughout these posts, right? Y’know, she’s the childhood friend who pines for the harem lead, but he brushes her off in favor in Rin? Well apparently, she’s supposed to be chubby. That’s what the anime tells us, anyway:

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Sure Nourin, you’re totally right. What a total chubster. If only girls would police their own bodies some more…

What happens next with Class 2-F isn’t very interesting, so let’s just keep the train moving. Out of nowhere, Rose Hanazono — it’s really a guy, by the way — absconds with Rin. When Kousaku shows up to rescue her, the representative of Class 2-E challenges our hero to a game of chicken… but with Pocky!

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But despite Kei’s best efforts to warn his friend about the dangers of said game, Rose successfully tricks Kousaku into kissing him. Not just any kiss, however; we’re talking about Kousaku’s first kiss. Oh no, how horrible. A man’s lips touched mine. I’m hetero, which means I have to act as if anything remotely homosexual is the worst thing ever. In any case, two of the three encounters with the Farming Top Four have been about how being gay is humiliating. I’m too hopped up on emot-catdrugs at the moment so I’ll just let you guys decide what this means. And with that, we’re done with Nourin for at least a week.

* * * * *

Nisekoi Ep. 5

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Last week’s key term was “indefinitely deferred” and nothing’s changed this week. Being the gentleman that he is, Raku eavesdrops on a conversation between Kosaki and her friend Ruri. The two girls are basically discussing the former’s reluctance to pursue a guy who’s already got himself a girlfriend. So you’d naturally think, “Wow, this is a crucial bit of information that Raku needs to hear if he ever wants to get the girl of his dreams.” But by now, you should know how harems work. In harem reality — as opposed to our reality — Raku has a hard time hearing what the girls are saying whenever they’re actually talking about something important. So he didn’t hear any of that stuff about how Kosaki is interested in him. Rather, he suddenly gets perfect hearing when Ruri changes the topic to a discussion about the key in Kosaki’s possession. Yes, anything to do with that damn pendant. That’s what Raku can hear with perfect clarity, not the bit where Kosaki is actually in love with him. Classic harem move.

So what is this episode about? Ruri is suspicious of the fake relationship at the center of the show’s premise, so she intends to expose the truth for Kosaki’s sake. Honestly, though, what is so good about Kosaki? She seems pretty dumb to me:

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If that’s the feminine ideal, I want no part of it. In any case, Ruri’s plans somehow involve everyone teaching Kosaki how to swim. And thanks to that, we get lingering shots of every girl’s body. Oh boy! I fucking swear if I got a dollar for every time the camera cuts to a close-up of one of the girl’s crotch, I wouldn’t need to work for a living. That’s for damn sure.

Meanwhile, the target audience gets to dissociate itself into two distinct personalities: the average, bland but safe Raku and the super perverted best friend Shu. Raku will pretend like all the half naked girls around him doesn’t even get his blood rising one bit. He’s the good guy! That’s why all the girls love him! On the other hand, we’ll just stick all of our debased proclivities into Shu instead. He gets to be bold; he gets to straight up ask one of the girls whether or not he can rub sun lotion on their skin. He’ll act out all of our perverted desires without tainting Raku’s image. So ingenious!

But say, where’s Claude? Oh don’t worry. He’s right here:

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He’s just busy simultaneously crying and getting a nosebleed at the sight of his half-naked lady. My, my, what a guardian. What girl wouldn’t feel safe with him around!

At one point, Chitoge shows up in a standard one piece swimsuit. She had worn a two piece just the day before, so Raku felt the need to point this out. In response, the girl teases him, “Oh wait! Or could it be that you wanted to see me in my bikini, darling?” How does our hero react to this harmless banter? Like a true gentleman!

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Haha, you’d be so cute if you hadn’t dared to tease me. I do the negging, alright? Me! I’m the negger. You’re the neggee!

Nisekoi is really getting old at this point. Every week, the show follows a strict formula. Raku goes on and on about how awesome Kosaki is… until a flaw peeks through Chitoge’s flawless exterior. So what brings Raku and Chitoge closer together this time? Compatible personalities? Shared interests? NO! Her flaws! The more she fucks up, the better of a candidate for love she is! Case in point, despite all the hullabaloo over Kosaki’s inability to swim, it’s Chitoge who ends up drowning in the pool. Why? ‘Cause in her arrogance, she refused to warm up. So in the middle of a swim, both of her legs cramp up and she’s in dire straits:

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So Raku, ever the man of action, springs forth to save the helpless maiden, but not before he gets one last neg off:

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Last week, our harem lead had to comfort Chitoge when out of nowhere it turned out that she’s incredibly afraid of the dark. Now, Raku gets to save her life! And this is quite important because the anime had just made a big deal out how well Chitoge can swim just earlier in the episode:

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Yes, she’s excellent at it! But if you’re a girl, fuck your excellence! You won’t win the harem lead’s heart if he can’t spend all day lecturing to you about how you’re fucking up at something that you’re really quite an expert at! So tear it down! Tear everything that is good about yourself down! In fact, let yourself drown in a shallow pool! Then afterwards, the harem lead can give you CPR and reassert his manhood all at the same time:

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Two birds with one stone. Nice. But don’t feel bad, Chitoge…

…psst… if you want, we could just say this is an example of a brutal character letting down her defenses. I mean, if it would be less humiliating for you… we could pretend as though we’re not being sexist at all.

In the end, Raku was so gallant in his act of heroism, that the girls must naturally ask:

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Kosaki denies it, but the girl totally would drown herself if it meant she could be in Raku’s arms. I mean, who wouldn’t! It’s for true love, after all. Doki doki. Anyway, we’ll leave off with some awesome continuity errors brilliance from Shaft. Ruri puts her hair into a ponytail:

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Yet no ponytail on Ruri here:

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But ponytail on Ruri just shortly afterwards:

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But alas, no ponytail:

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Wait, it’s back:

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Y’know, maybe Ruri’s just neurotic and she has to redo her ponytail three times before she’s satisfied with it. Or maybe she’s always had her ponytail and I’m just on emot-catdrugs

* * * * *

Saikin, Imouto no Yousu ga Chotto Okashiinda ga. Ep. 6

When we last left off, Mitsuki had fallen ill so Hiyori grabbed the opportune titty (according to Day) to seize control of the poor girl’s body once more. And now, Hiyori has the golden chance of a lifetime:

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You go, girl! You screw the brains out of that… brother… of yours… But as you can tell, Mitsuki’s body is nowhere to be found in the screenshot above. Yes, Yuuya sees Hiyori instead of his stepsister! What could this mean? But before we can answer this crucial question, Mitsuki returns to her normal self and collapses from her fever. Quick, get her some help! Wait, I don’t care how sick she is; let’s take a peek at the girl’s ass first:

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Okay, now get her some help.

The following morning, Mitsuki re-iterates that she’s done with Hiyori, to which the ghost responds,

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Oh woe be to me. I can’t get into heaven because this girl won’t fuck her stepbrother! But cut Hiyori some slack. She just “couldn’t help it.” After all, God told her to never give up. Yes, the Almighty himself! With His voice booming down from the heavens above, God steels Hiyori’s resolve:

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In any case, despite seeing a complete stranger on top of him just the night before, Yuuya decides to stick with the split-personality theory. He thus asks Yuki if it’s possible for a person’s personality to change when they’re in a new environment. Our harem leads are such geniuses. I mean, what else could explain MItsuki’s bizarre behavior? Why else would a girl suddenly wear a chastithong?! And then it hits him:

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A-plus logic, my friend. A-plus! The guy even goes, “That would make sense.” Yes, what mother wouldn’t give her daughter a chastithong?

To Yuuya’s credit, he does finally come to the conclusion that this theory is too ridiculous. I mean, it’s completely batshit insane that he even came up with it in the first place, but hey… maybe he’s on emot-catdrugs too. In any case, he needs a new theory. So… what about that strange girl he’s been seeing around MItsuki? Y’know, the one that was just on top of him the night before?

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“She left suddenly yesterday…” Are you serious? So there was a stranger in my stepsister’s room — a stranger I’ve never been introduced to before — she even got on top of me, tried to have sex with me, then she just “left suddenly” without me even realizing where she had gone. I’m telling you guys… it’s the emot-catdrugs.

“Was she there to visit since [Mitsuki] was sick?” Yuuya wonders. This guy, man, this guy. “What was she doing in that dark room,” Yuuya asks himself as the hamster wheel continues to spin futilely in that tiny noggin of his. “I get it,” Yuuya finally exclaims!

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Yuki interrupts Yuuya’s train of thought, however, and asks the guy, “Who do you think influenced me to change the way I was before?” Y’see, Yuki was a major tomboy before she moved away. It’s obvious she’s now become a girlie girl for Yuuya’s sake. Girls always change their personalities wholesale for the D, so pfft, stop asking such frivolous questions. Back to daydreaming about your stepsister’s bare ass…

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So when Yuuya gets home, it turns out Mitsuki is still asleep. But wait a minute, if she’s still asleep, then why is she begging that both she and Yuuya take a bath immediately? Ah, it turns out Hiyori has decided to escalate things. She’s not even going to wait for Mitsuki to be awake anymore before possessing the poor girl. She’ll just wait until Mitsuki’s asleep, then use this window to seduce Yuuya. That… that seems fucked up, but I think we’ve gone beyond any possible classification of rape. Like what do you even call it? “A ghost takes advantage of my sleeping self to fuck my own stepbrother” rape? But don’t forget, poor Hiyori had no choice! God told her to do this! And it’s all for Mitsuki’s sake too! After all, if this bizarre rape scenario doesn’t play out…

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So I ask you… if Hiyori doesn’t deserve an eternity of bliss and happiness, then who amongst us does? Who, I ask? This is about the survival of the strong, and the culling of the meek! And Hiyori won’t allow something as pathetic as “Rape is bad” keep her from getting into heaven.

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Attack on Titan‘s got nothing on Imocho‘s inspiring story of survival at all costs. The chastithong is a force of nature, and the ghost must do what she can to break its chains of fate! If Mitsuki’s body gets used against her wishes, so be it. We have no time for morality’s petty concerns.

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Don’t falter now, Hiyori! Don’t falter now! Charge on without any inhibitions!

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But unfortunately, Mitsuki had to wake up and ruin all the fun. All of a sudden, Yuuya tells Mitsuki that she doesn’t have to come out of the closet if she isn’t ready to do so. Wait, what? Yes, he still thinks she’s a fucking lesbian. But look, he’s magnanimous about it; he’s totally tolerant of her queer lifestyle:

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But he continues on, “But you know… I wish you’d hold back a little on… flirting in the house. I mean, I’m living here too, so…” I get it, I get it! You don’t want my harem lead dick! But you don’t have to rub it in my face or anything!

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I’m telling ya, it’s the emot-catdrugs.

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3 thoughts on “Winter 2014 Harem Hill, Week 6: Drown yourself in man love!”

  1. Damn, mate, you sure love those CAT DRUGS!!! haha!
    I like the new style. I liked the old one too, but this is breezier and considering the shows you’re talking about it’s not like they deserve any in-depth look at the details. This isn’t Kill la Kill or Pupa, it’s just harem crap we can enjoy mocking.
    Nourin: This is either going to end with more episodes of semi-shitting on homosexuality (between men, because it’s sillier/ickier that way), OR this ends with the protagonist going gay.
    Considering the latter would make this harem show hilarious (or at least it’s finale hilarious), it’s probably the former. Shame.
    Also, what is WITH anime and “chubby cute” girls? I’ve read manga and there’s plenty of artists who can draw a visibly chubby and cute girl, yet in animation most studios must get too scared to show any real “meat” and so they give them circular heads, big breasts, and a vaguely thick waist (which loses weight significantly once the top comes off for the inevitable swimsuit/sauna/hot springs/accidental-shower-peek episode.

    Nisekoi: “That’s what Raku can hear with perfect clarity, not the bit where Kosaki is actually in love with him. Classic harem move.”
    I think it might be really fun if a harem show tackled all of these idiotic tropes and cliches in a slightly meta-textual sense. Could be funny, if the gags weren’t run into the ground.

    “…psst… if you want, we could just say this is an example of a brutal character letting down her defenses. I mean, if it would be less humiliating for you… we could pretend as though we’re not being sexist at all.”
    Very subtle, you. haha! I get it. Though honestly I would’ve admitted to this being totally sexist anyway. THIS is NOT what I was alluding to last time, just to be clear. I agree this show is showing a genuinely sexist trend and how it treats its female cast doesn’t help one bit.
    Cute girl: naive to the point of stupidity
    Not/Semi-Cute Girl: Because she has a personality and teases him, she is a “gorilla inside”
    Also, Raku is objectively an ass.
    Good of you to catch on to Ruri’s crippling OCD.

    ImoCho: WOAH Hold on, what? “We’ll both go to Hell.”
    What?
    WHAT?!
    Is this a sudden revelation or did I miss something you explained earlier? You mean that creepy rapist ghost bitch not only got Mitsuki into this mess but actually got her a one-way ticket to HELL thanks to her selfishness?
    wow
    I can’t even begin to… That’s even more messed up than the incest. That’s one of the worst thing’s I’ve ever heard as part of a horrible anime plot. That poor damn girl…

    Anyway, despite his idiocy, it is interesting to juxtapose Yuuya’s attitude here with the events of Nourin. I’d even take it as a seed of change in the (anime) times, along with the much better done (so far) introduction of the subject matter in Inari. I would, that is, if Nourin and that other show didn’t exist. You know, the one where all the girls got kicked out of the spa because the gay gang rode in and their leader released a steam that turned guys gay from his body?
    …Unholy shit, dude, just writing that out felt like I was explaining a 1950’s propaganda piece!

    1. Also, what is WITH anime and “chubby cute” girls? I’ve read manga and there’s plenty of artists who can draw a visibly chubby and cute girl,

      It’s not just anime. People out there just have a really distorted idea of women’s body sizes.

      Very subtle, you. haha!

      Just ribbing ya a bit for last week’s discussion.

      That poor damn girl…

      This can’t be overstated. ImoCho shouldn’t be a comedy. A girl is being forced to do illicit things with her brother or die. Yet there are people who guffaw at this show…

  2. “So in the middle of a swim, both of her legs cramp up and she’s in dire straits…”

    Of course, what makes this even more idiotic is that if Chitoge is a strong swimmer she wouldn’t need her frigging legs to swim anyway – you only get at most 15% of your force in swimming from your legs.

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