Winter 2014 Harem Hill, Week 7: I wish it was all just a dream

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But no such luck for me. Alright, alright, here’s the belated update.

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Nourin Ep. 6

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Actually, this was a boring episode about the students taking advantage of both otaku and fujoshi interests in order to sell farm-related produce. For instance, moe eggs and something about how mushrooms resemble penises. Well, the commentary’s not supposed to be boring. In fact, we’re supposed to think, “Oh man, what a clever commentary Nourin is making on the commodification of the anime subculture!” But unfortunately, it was neither insightful nor was it funny. Why? ‘Cause Nourin doesn’t have the balls to be incisive. What you end up getting is a rather limp introduction to a topic that anyone with even half a clue about anime already knows all about. So that’s that.

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Nisekoi Ep. 6

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• “So my lunch isn’t exactly ordinary…” argues Chitoge. I’ll say! She’s got caviar, foie gras, truffles, lobster, shark fin spring rolls, fried sea urchin and filet mignon all in a single bento! But you know what she doesn’t have? Vegetables. Now, I don’t want to say that girls should only eat salads, but someone — regardless of their gender — who only eats those ingredients for lunch would probably have a difficult time… hmm, how do I put this delicately…? …basically, she’d have a hard time taking a shit, okay? And her blood pressure must be through the roof. All I’m saying is don’t hate the salad! Vegetables are awesome! Plus, who the fuck fries sea urchin? Who the hell shaves truffles and sticks them into a side compartment? You don’t eat truffles by itself! You eat truffles with something rich! Like pasta! Or risotto! That’s the problem right there: they can’t even stereotype a rich person correctly. And letting foie gras sit all day in a bento until it’s lunch time? Tsk tsk.

• Wait, what? Chitoge doesn’t actually know who saved her in last week’s episode? Are you serious? Oh Nisekoi, you’re really playing the tsundere angle hard, aren’t you? Our maiden then goes from bitching about the guy to blushing profusely upon the realization that she owes him her life. Oh dear, I hope she takes responsibility… But there actually comes a point when you can ‘tsundere’ too hard, y’know? Like when Chitoge exclaims, “And in the first place, why should I thank a guy like him?” Does anyone actually think girls act this way? No, of course not. Most well-adjusted girls do not act this way. But it’s clear that the harem lead doesn’t want the average girl. He wants this weird caricature of a girl that will maintain her tsundere-ness even after he saves her life.

• But man, that Raku sure is a pick-up artist: “Still, you better keep an eye on that stomach of yours.” Wow, dude… just wow. Can you go a day without negging the girl? He continues, “You eat way too much meat, every single day.” Hey, that’s what I just said! I should be the harem lead!

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• So Chitoge’s first attempt to thank Raku goes down in flames. I didn’t know why it is so hard to say, “Thank you.” In her second attempt, it looks as though she wants to make him his favorite meal or something. Y’know, you could just send him a letter. Or a card. That would work too. I mean, it’s not like you guys are dating or anything…

• Chitoge: “I guess I… You’re actually more manly in some ways than I thought.” Tsundere characters practically write themselves.

• Naturally, the guy misunderstands Chitoge’s intentions. She simply wants to thank him for saving her life. He thinks she’s talking about their kiss. Misunderstandings are so endearing! A failure to communicate properly is so cute, guys! You know what else is adorable? Violence! Therefore, we get to see Chitoge hit Raku for the third time in just the first ten minutes of the episode! Oh man, it’ll be so cute too when he hits her back for not having dinner ready…

• So I guess the cat’s out of the bag: our blonde heroine thinks she’s good enough friends with Ruri and Kosaki that she can just reveal to them that her relationship with Raku is a sham. As a result, Ruri wonders if Chitoge will have a problem with another girl hooking up with Raku. The latter proudly proclaims, “Oh please, I’d hand him over on a silver platter with a ribbon on top!” Boy, I bet she’ll regret saying that.

• So this latest bit of news emboldens the typically shy Kosaki. She wants to confess her true feelings to Raku before she loses the chance yet again. But like I’ve said, Nisekoi follows a strict, unchanging pattern. First, things will look like they’re on the up-and-up for Kosaki, but then the pendulum will violently swing back in Chitoge’s favor. Just you wait and see.

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• Somehow, Raku manages to not notice that he had dropped his Godzilla of a pendant onto the ground.

• Chitoge ridiculously asks, “…then why did you rescue me? I thought you didn’t like me?” Can you imagine someone actually acting like this in real life? Some dude looks at his paramedic and pouts, “U-uguu, why did you defibrillate my chest? You don’t even know me… :(”

• So here comes Chitoge’s fourth attempt to thank the guy, a.k.a. apologies in the English language are so moe!

• Meanwhile, Kosaki still can’t quite spit the words out even though she told her friend she’d confess her feelings. Whatever happened to slipping a letter into a guy’s shoe locker? C’mon anime, remember your roots!

• Oh no, here it comes… here it comes…!!! …nope. A baseball ruins the moment by crashing through a nearby window. Indefinitely deferred, remember? And somehow, Raku is already halfway out the door before he remembers that the girl was about to tell him something heartfelt. Why does Kosaki like him again? It can’t be because he’s intelligent. Oh right right, he’s prone to freak out just because he thought she was having a fever. What an amazing quality for a guy to have.

• Raku even walks away thinking, “Man, those words… and her body language… you would think she was trying to confess to me! But haha, no way!” Mensa’s just itching to get their hands on this guy.

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• What’s even more outrageous is Kosaki rationalizing that she’s glad she couldn’t confess. I repeat, she’s glad: “I’m hoping that what we have right now will last a little longer…” Who the hell thinks like this? Oh right, girls in a harem anime where plot development is forever indefinitely deferred until its creator just can’t milk the cash cow any further.

• So Chitoge finds and repairs Raku’s locket, returning it to him by the end of the episode. And with that, she thinks to herself, “Now we’re even.” Yes, a pendant is about as valuable as a life in anime logic.

• And then it turns out Chitoge once made a promise with a boy when she was young too! Oh my god, who saw this coming! And just like that, you can’t deny that Chitoge’s back in the lead. After all, if she’s that childhood friend, then she has to win. ‘Cause who cares about befriending a nice girl, dating her for a couple years, then marrying her? Pfft, talk about lame, grandpa. We all know true love is all about a stupid promise made by a pair of grade schoolers so long ago that their puny little minds can’t even remember whether or not the event had occurred. Now that’s romance!

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Saikin Imouto no Yousu ga Chotto Okashiinda ga Ep. 7

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• Say, didn’t Nisekoi open with a bento box? ImoCho‘s opening with one too! Oh my god, the harem anime are in cahoots! It’s a worldwide conspiracy!

• So Ayaka teases, “It’s about to get colder, so if you don’t exercise, you’ll get fat before you know it!” Wait what?

• But it turns out Mitsuki doesn’t like to exercise. In fact, she’s really bad at it despite that one time Hiyori took control of her body and ran incredibly fast! ‘Cause muscles ain’t real, man. Magical ghost powers are where it’s at.

• Hiyori vehemently disagrees with the idea of Mitsuki joining a club because it would “take away flirting time with our big brother!” Poor Mitsuki. If she doesn’t comply with the ghost’s demands, she goes to hell. If she does comply, she can’t even do anything fun on her own. What a wonderful life.

• So we get to see Mitsuki awkwardly attempt to play sports in the myriad of after-school clubs. The gist is that Mitsuki sucks at sports, but Hiyori is magically awesome at it… somehow. Normally, this would be a praiseworthy thing, but in ImoCho, Hiyori is only athletically gifted so that she can finish the matches quicker. Why does speed matter? So that she can rush home and flirt with her big bro, of course! So actually being athletic isn’t a boon whatsoever. It’s ostensibly a bad thing if it keeps you away from cultivating an incestuous relationship.

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• In any case, the anime’s just being incredibly repetitive right now. Uguu, I suck at tennis. Hiyori, please take over! Done. Uguu, I suck at soccer. Hiyori, please take over! Done again. Rinse and repeat for practically half an episode. And since this has nothing to do with Harem Hill, I’m just gonna fast forward…

• Actually, Hiyori nearly signs Mitsuki up to the Soccer Club, but she reneges at the last minute only because it would mean moving into a dorm and going abroad for competitions. In the real world, people would jump at the chance to make new friends, see new places, and experience new things! In anime world… you’d rather have your brother’s dick inside you instead of all those wonderful things I just listed. Yep.

• Meanwhile, Yuuya is also looking to join a club. It just so happens that he and Mitsuki manage to visit the Kendo Club at the exact same time! Oh boy! And hey, Yuki’s here too! What a coincidence! As a result, Hiyori wants to have a match against her rival in hopes that Yuki embarrasses herself in front of Yuuya. Typically, whether my girlfriend wins or loses in an extra-curricular competition has little bearing whatsoever on how I feel about her. But ah, how could I forget! This is anime land! If Yuuya sees Yuki defeated, he will totally think, “What a pathetic woman!”

• Unfortunately, the protective mask stinks too much for Hiyori to even compete. As a result, Mitsuki is forced to take the brunt of Yuki’s attack, which quickly knocks the weak girl to the ground. By anime logic, however, this is a win for Mitsuki because big bro is being all protective and shit: “What were you doing, getting serious with a beginner!”

• In fact, Yuuya’s really getting into it:

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Yeah man, she’s someone‘s little sister, alright? I’m not saying you have to respect her or anything, but if a big bro’s feelings are involved, then you better step back, son! Just think of how inconvenient those lecherous come-ons will feel to her brother.

• Shotaro (addressing his sister): “Besides, if I’m stupid, then genetically, that makes you stupid too!” Yeah… uh, I don’t think so.

• Anyway, Mitsuki doesn’t have much luck with the cultural clubs either. Apparently, the girl isn’t good at anything. Man, if only she wasn’t possessed by a ghost so that she could spend her free time cultivating a personal hobby that will help her grow as a person… I’m just kidding! This is anime so her only sense of worth lies in how moe she is. Fuck hobbies!

• In any case, Mitsuki and her big bro meet up again at the Theater Club. In fact, she sees him up onstage. What’s the play, you wonder? “A love story of a man torn between his step-sister and his girlfriend.” Yep.

• The acting is incredibly bad, but hey, I realize that this is on purpose, so don’t get on me about it. Rather, despite the fact that the acting is purposefully bad, Mitsuki thinks to herself,

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It’s just that easy to make a girl jealous. Then somehow, they manage to stick Mitsuki into a wedding dress unbeknownst to Yuuya himself. Mitsuki is then thrust onstage to act as though she’s marrying her big bro. Why did she agree to this, you wonder? Wasn’t she embarrassed by the fact that she had to flirt with him, you ask? Well, you can conveniently forget the girl’s last six episodes of character development because a single shittily-acted play is enough to drive the girl jealous enough to do something as ridiculous as this.

• And so Mitsuki, who doesn’t even know her big bro all that well, blurts out, “Don’t fawn over someone who isn’t your little sister!” Jesus Christ.

• It’s also rather conspicuous that — all of a sudden — Hiyori is nowhere to be found.

• But wait, Mitsuki hasn’t yet humiliated herself in a sexual way this week! That’s okay, the anime hasn’t forgotten. Somehow, Shotaro’s sister trips and falls, causing not only Mitsuki to fall over, but the poor girl’s dress to be torn right in half:

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But then we see Mitsuki wake up from her bed as if it was all just a dream. What’s this? A harem anime taking pity upon one of its heroine?!

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Wait, that’s not right. This must be a dream too! So we see the poor girl wake up again… this time to a genderswapped Hiyori:

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But it turns out that this too is a dream. When will the girl finally wake up? Don’t worry. She eventually does. Not only that, she gets a text message from her best friend that pretty much confirms that Mitsuki did expose herself to every single person in the gymnasium that day. Phew, and here I thought the anime was going to show Mitsuki the tiniest bit of pity, but I should’ve known all along that any sort of sexual humiliation is as real as can be.

• You got that right:

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4 Replies to “Winter 2014 Harem Hill, Week 7: I wish it was all just a dream”

  1. You know what’s truly terrible? ImoCho is getting a live action movie. I feel bad for the poor girl who’ll have to be Mitsuki.
    I looked around and even found this “The role will require both her(Tenka Hashimoto) and gravure idol Mayu to appear fully nude for the first time.”

  2. Nisekoi: Mate, this show is awful, but your reviews keep on giving.
    “Therefore, we get to see Chitoge hit Raku for the third time in just the first ten minutes of the episode! Oh man, it’ll be so cute too when he hits her back for not having dinner ready…”
    Burst into laughter on this one and that paramedic line. haha!

    I have a theory about Raku’s character, though. What if he’s a stupid dick on purpose? Like, not that he’s doing it because of reasons but he was MADE that way on purpose for sales?
    Think about it, this show is clearly not targeting the fairer sex. So, in order to make money, they make waifus, and in order to cheaply endear the viewers to the waifus they make them endure the idiocy and negging from Raku. Now the target audience is meant to start thinking, “Damn that Raku! I could be a way better husbando to that kawaii tsunderkko!” And so out of outrageous jealousy for the 2D, they set out to buy sheets, pillow cases, figures, etc. in a doomed attempt to claim the waifu they hold dear.

    …Or maybe the writers are just following a check list of every blatant harem trope they know of and are just ticking it off per episode.

    And what romance-anime character hasn’t made a childhood promise? Since when did it become a thing that a promise you made as a kid MUST hold so much concrete value?
    And God help the poor bastard who carved his name into a tree during that promise! That miserable fool has shackled his fate for the rest of his life…

    ImoCho: The balls they must have to do a double-wake-up scene after ALL of their nonsense. I’m just… Wow.
    And the sick thing is, you just know that the “comedy” rapings would, with a male ghost, be turned into “sexy” ones, cause anime’s gotta anime, right?
    It’s like the writers think that if they throw enough stupid and sexual humiliation our way we’ll forget this is a cruel torment for the protagonist, but no, no we don’t. We don’t forget, and we never will.

    Wait, Mitsuki had a chance to flee this awful situation via soccer, but that horrible bitch ghost didn’t let her? I can’t say I’m surprised, what with her being a selfish rapist bitch and all, but that’s just horrible to add to the story. Why would you even do that? Is it supposed to be funny that a chance at a fun, new chapter in this girl’s life was shutdown by her captor? It must be funny to the writer since they pulled this “Oh, no, it was all just a dream. It’s okay-NOT!”.

    How can this anime end, though? Will she finally be freed? What will she do then?
    I just can’t imagine how this show will end without it being
    1) a massive [bad] joke
    2) the siblings holding hands, confirming their “love” for one another (and
    3) this ending like Drag Me To Hell

    1. And what romance-anime character hasn’t made a childhood promise? Since when did it become a thing that a promise you made as a kid MUST hold so much concrete value?

      It’s romantic, I guess. People always think their first love is the end all, be all of romance. In reality, however, few of us are ever lucky enough to have found our life partners before college.

      Wait, Mitsuki had a chance to flee this awful situation via soccer, but that horrible bitch ghost didn’t let her?

      Well, it’s not as if Mitsuki would’ve agreed to it anyway. She’s incredibly lacking when it comes to athletic prowess.

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