She’s right, y’know. She’s not cute at all. I’m going to streamline these posts for my own sanity. From now on, I’ll just try to highlight the stupidity in these shows instead of doing detailed write-ups.
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Nourin Ep. 7
• I’ll just give you guys this screenshot without context. Trust me, it’s better this way:
• Kousaku: “The crunchy texture and mild sweetness [of pear] goes great with curry!” Please stop adding fruits to curry. What an abomination. Yes, I’m aware that’s how they do it in Japan. I just happen to think it’s nasty.
• In fact, I think this whole episode is best covered by just context-less screenshots. Case in point:
• Here’s another:
Basically, they’ve been eating too much, and as a result, everyone’s put on quite a bit of weight. I have no clue why the guys have suddenly lost their weight so quickly though. Hmm, it’s as if people think weight loss is only important to girls. After all, fat apparently makes you delusional: “Call it ‘fluffy,’ ‘pleasantly plump,’ ‘curvy’ — anything that’ll trick yourself into thinking otherwise.”
• It’s like fat-shaming, the anime. If this is supposed to be a joke or a parody, I’m not seeing it:
Minori: “I’ll never get married with a body like this! What’ll I do?”
Kosaku: “Married? It looks like you’re already pregnant.”
Yeesh. Look, I’m not a subscriber to HAES or anything, but unless someone’s belligerent about his or her weight, e.g. this sort of bullshit, I really don’t give a shit what people choose to do with their bodies.
• All of a sudden, the fat-shaming segues into how the soybean plants are afflicted with mold. A natural progression, I’m sure.
• The general gist of the episode now is that their soil has been ruined by something called the “southern blight.” I’m too lazy to look up whether or not this is a real thing. What’s important is that Ringo falls into a depression over this and stops eating. Kosaku then gets to wax poetic about the art of agriculture or some shit. Again, I’ve been told that this is supposed to be a parody.
• So now the tomatoes go bad, and Ringo doesn’t understand why no one’s depressed about it: “And now they’re ruined. Why aren’t you upset?” I mean, I don’t even know what Nourin‘s going for anymore. Is this touching? Nah. Is it funny? Nah. Is it insightful? Nope. It’s just all really boring.
• Ringo ate Kousaku’s vegetables and it blew her away or something: “Earthy, bitter, tough somehow… but a gentle flavor. … I knew that that was the taste of life. That you’d share life with me. … …I teared up for some reason, and I found the will to keep on going.” And that’s why she decided to retire from being an idol to transfer into an agricultural school. Makes sense.
• But it turns out Kousaku is even weirder than we had initially presumed him to be. He literally sent Ringo nothing but vegetables. Imagine how you would feel if you just got cucumbers in the mail one day. Still, Ringo says she got letters addressed to her from a Kousaku, so what’s up with that? It turns out Minori was the one writing to Ringo. She only did it because she didn’t want the idol to think Kousaku was weird or anything. Boy, talk about unconditional love. So in the end, since it had been Minori’s letters that Ringo was reading, she embraces Minori instead of Kousaku. Oh boy, what a twist. My sides… they are in orbit or something. Nah, they’re not. This anime still sucks.
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Nisekoi Ep. 7
• So we get a new transfer student and his name is Tsumugi. Everyone’s wondering whether the transfer student is a guy or a girl, so this pretty much confirms it in my mind that we have a girl in disguise. ‘Cause let’s be honest, no one would really care if it was really just a guy. When a girl cross-dresses, however, stop the presses! We must make note of this momentous occasion that has never occurred before in anime!
• Naturally, all the girls think Tsumugi’s the hottest piece of ass in town.
• When Tsumugi sees Chitoge, she… ahem, I mean “he” dives straight for her. Yep, it’s a girl. ‘Cause c’mon, if it had been really been a guy, everyone’d be like “Uguu, this is so hazukashii, ne~” Plus, Tsumugi has a beauty mark. When it comes to the world of 2-D, we all know only girls are allowed to have beauty marks.
• And since Tsumugi’s really a girl, wanna take bets on how long it’ll take her to fall in love with Raku? It won’t take long, I’m sure. Raku’s no Kirito of SAO fame, but don’t underestimate his bland harem charm. By the way, who here’s excited for the SAO sequel? I know I am!
• Shu’s pretty smart. Well, as smart as one can reasonably expect from a harem anime character. It’s just too bad he’s relegated to being the perverted best friend who has no game.
• Tsumugi: “But now that I’m seeing you in person, it’s obvious that you’re such a reliable-looking person.” Trust me, this is the highest of compliments that a harem lead can receive. When you’re milquetoast, nothing beats reliability!
• But for now, Tsumugi wants to kill Raku ’cause it turns out the former’s got a super clingy and creepy love for Chitoge. Not that Raku himself isn’t creepy, but this girl takes it to a whole new level. But then again, this is anime so people find yanderekkos totally endearing or something.
• As it turns out, Raku’s not fit to be Chitoge’s lover because he’s weak and he’s got slow reflexes. I mean, Chitoge’s an ojousama so she demands protection, after all. Do you know how many people would love to see her dead? This is thus not creepy overprotectiveness whatsoever. It’s just good ol’ fashioned paternalism!
• Tsumugi: “…to be honest, I’m absolutely sure that I love Young Miss more!” Yep, every hot girl in anime is always a breath away from engaging in yuri acts. Naturally, Tsumugi has also made a very important childhood promise to her ojousama, a promise that she can never forget. Childhood promises are ironclad, son.
• MEET ME AT THE FLAG POLE AFTER SCHOOL. BE THERE… OR BE SQUARE.
• Chitoge blames Raku for this whole ordeal. I don’t like the guy, but even I think this is pretty ridiculous.
• Raku: “So he’s been training that hard to get stronger, to protect Kirisaki, huh? For ten whole years… And it didn’t seem like Kirisaki wasn’t into him. Don’t tell me that deep down, Kirisaki wants that guy to win…?” Even if this was actually the case — and you know it’s not because Raku’s the harem lead — I’ve no clue why Raku would even be surprised by this. Shit, he insults her every chance he gets. She should hate his guts. But uguu, why would she want me to lose? It was just good-natured ribbing! Like calling someone a gorilla!
• But as expected, Chitoge is really rooting for Raku instead: “Don’t even think of losing. N-Not that I’m worried about your welfare or anything…” She claims that this is merely for the sake of their respective yakuza clans, but she wouldn’t be blushing so hard if this was actually the case. Ah, harem anime honestly just write themselves.
• Chitoge continues, “…I’ll never forgive you if you mess up.” Yeah, ’cause he’d be dead.
• Jesus Christ, that uniform can’t be school-approved:
• Raku reasons, “[Chitoge]’s not such a wuss that she’ll be happy to sit tight while someone protects her, is she?” Hm, surprisingly progressive from a harem ani-… “Call yourself a man? Then be a rock for her, and watch over her!” Oh c’mon, what’s the fucking difference? Either way, you’re still being a condescending jackass who thinks a woman needs you to watch over her.
• Somehow, Raku wins the duel by tricking Tsumugi into diving headfirst into a pool. So much for being trained as a killer hitman.
• B-But he can’t just leave Tsumugi in her-… I mean, ‘his’ wet clothes. The ‘guy’ might catch a cold! Better take them all off just to be safe…
…dude, you gotta get those tumors checked out.
• All that hitman training and Tsumugi still acts all embarrassed and shit when a guy sees her half-naked. Pfft. In fact, she proceeds to sit there in the middle of the locker room, frozen from this abject humiliation she’s suffered. Give me a break.
• Tsumugi: “I have no idea why, but for years, I’ve been mistaken for a boy time and time again. It mystifies me to no end.” Hurr hurr hurr.
• “How pathetic,” bemoans our cross-dressing wannabe assassin, “I’ve lost to someone of your lowly caliber… What made me think that I could protect Young Miss.” Yeah, all they would have to do is strip you down to your underwear, and it’d be like, “Oops! I can’t move anymore!”
• According to Tsumugi, she’s long abandoned being a girl in order to have the strength to protect Chitoge. Well, that’s just stupid. I won’t even get into why it’s stupid. You guys can figure that out on your own, I’m sure. But anyway, Raku thinks this is such a shame because Tsumugi is pretty cute. Why would you ever want to abandon being a girl when you’re so damn cute, y’know? And just like that, this is all it takes to completely flip Tsumugi’s world upside-down. A… a guy thinks I’m cute? Well shit! Better start lubing up my vagina in anticipation!
• Fuck harems.
• Chitoge: “You are a girl, Tsugumi, so you have to dress like one.” Fuck harems.
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Saikin Imouto no Yousu ga Chotto Okashiinda ga Ep. 8
• Mitsuki can’t get any sleep at night ’cause Hiyori’s been repeatedly massaging her breasts. Why? Because we all know groping a person’s breasts will make them grow larger. It’s just science, man. Mitsuki’s boobs are like plants, and Hiyori’s hands are like fertilizer. In other words, her hands are shit. Basically, Hiyori’s shit.
• Still, I can’t help but imagine someone out there actually likes that bit of written dialogue. Like, they just watched that scene and giggled to themselves, “Oh my, what sort of ‘fun’ are you girls having, hmmmmmm?” Brr, gives me the heebie-jeebies.
• Upon seeing Mitsuki, Shotaro straight up asks her, “Wanna trade places with my little sister?” What a fucking creep.
• Mitsuki finds a gravure magazine and thinks, “I thought only weirdos looked at things like this…” That sure sounds like a healthy attitude to have. But anyway, even though it’s really Shotaro’s magazine — ’cause let’s face it, Yuuya’s the pure sort of harem lead who’s just absolutely clueless about sex — the magazine’s existence nevertheless gives the girls the false impression that Yuuya’s into big breasts. As a result, Mitsuki just has to allow Hiyori to grope her breasts later.
• Wait, no… we have an even better solution:
So if Hiyori could do this from the very start, why did she still feel the need to grope Mitsuki every night? ‘Cause she’s a goddamn rapist, that’s why.
• Naw, we’re just kidding. That was all just a dream sequence. ‘Cause y’know, last week’s episode ending on two consecutive dream fake-outs wasn’t enough. We gotta do it again at the start of this week’s episode, because it’s such a fresh and original narrative technique.
• I’ve never seen someone so excited to go to the aquarium since Zetsuen no Tempest.
• Y’know, this is just as much Yuuya’s fault as it is Hiyori’s. I would never let my sister grab my arm in such an affectionate manner. But of course, establishing appropriate boundaries would be no fun whatsoever.
• Fish-gazing montage!
• Hiyori: “No fair! You can’t just jump back in now!” Yeah, what’s the big deal, Mitsuki! It’s not like it’s your body or anything, geez.
• Now, while I think it’s dumb that Yuuya allows Hiyori-as-Mitsuki to hang all over his arm like she’s his girlfriend, I also think it’s ridiculous that Mitsuki thinks going to an aquarium resembles some sort of date-like event. Goddamn, a brother and his sister can’t go to an aquarium now?
• And then somehow, her clothes disappear because she’s embarrassed?
• But as you’ll soon find out, it’s not embarrassment that she’s feeling whatsoever.
• Rather, her crotch is tingling:
All because this trip to the aquarium might look like date. Just the mere thought of being on a date with her brother gives both girls a fucking orgasm. Oh my god why am I even watching this shit?
• Honestly, you’d think Japan wouldn’t have all this trouble they’ve been having lately with sex if it was actually this easy to get girls off.
• Mitsuki: “Wait, am I stupid?” Yes.
• Even Hiyori begins to feel all weird and shit too. It’s like the two girls are connected at the clitoris or something. Shrug, feel free to come up with your own mystical anime bullshit explanation for this phenomenon. And as expected, the gauge on the chastity belt fills up ever so slightly.
• It turns out Mitsuki’s mom used to work at the aquarium. No, I didn’t think any of you guys would care either. But like, uguu, Mitsuki never had any friends as a kid, so the dolphins at the aquarium became her friends. Doesn’t just warm the cockles of your heart? No.
• Hiyori: “The truth is, I don’t even remember my own name.” That’s just fantastic. Can the episode be over already?
• So these tiny fishes are biting away at Mitsuki’s feet, and oh how it tickles her. And since the chastity belt is being extra sensitive today, you guessed it!
Fuck it, I’m out. See you guys next week.