You could say… that this anime is such a hoot!
• I guess last week’s episode was too long, so we’ll just stick a part of it at the start of this week’s episode. ‘Cause that’s fun. I love rewatching terrible anime.
• Raku says to himself, “Of course I could never say it. Not something like that…” Tushie kisses are so hazukashii~
• According to Raku’s best friend, there’s going to be a “Test of Courage” tonight, and it’ll involve boy-girl pairings. But oh dear, this is a harem! As such, there just aren’t enough bland harem leads to go around! What are we to do, guys?
• Good lord, get a life:
Look, anime, I’m gonna be straight with you. You gotta stop putting the hand-holding on the pedestal. We’re not even talking about putting the great Greek goddess Pussalia on the pedestal. We’re talking about Hand-holdeus, the manchild god who’s still living in the basement of his mother’s pantheon.
• Raku and Shu then strike a deal: if the latter manages to draw Kosaki’s number in the lottery for the “Test of Courage” event, Raku will pay his best friend 2000 yen for them to swap partners. Wow, really? Just 2000 yen? I mean, yeah, don’t go around objectifying people and all that, but really? Just 2000 yen? Holy shit, a video game is worth more than spending “quality time” with Kosaki… Well, actually, when you put it that way, I guess 2000 yen is a fair price for her. Nevermind!
• Elsewhere, Ruri tells Kosaki to take the initiative. Otherwise, “nothing’s gonna change.” But that’s the whole point, girl! We don’t want anything to change. I mean, certainly not the show’s creators! Let’s be honest, allowing the story to continue on forever until it becomes a dessicated corpse is worth a hell lot more than 2000 yen to somebody out there!
• In any case, Ruri will trade partners with Kosaki if the former somehow manages to draw Raku’s number. But why bother since Raku’s already looking to buy Kosaki’s time as though she’s a cheap shoujo anyway. But again, just 2000 yen though? There are arcade games that take 2000 yen just to play.
• C’mon, you’re in high school:
Just let your hormones take over. Whoops, I keep forgetting that anime girls are too innocent to have urges. They’re just shiny porcelain dolls for us to gaze at.
• Ho-hum, Raku manages to pair himself up with Kosaki right from the very start, so I guess he gets to save himself some money. But after nine whole episodes of this crap, we already know how this week’s episode is going to play itself out. At first, it’ll look like Kosaki’s winning the world’s shittiest version of The Bachelor, but in the end, Raku will inevitably find his way back to Chitoge’s side. No wait, Chitoge will be directly behind him ’cause an Asian girlfriend’s rightful place is always several steps behind her true love.
• But hey, for the time being, you get to watch the two most boring characters in the show pair up. I’m sure harem dynamics are just like multiplication, i.e. blandness is a negative quality, so two bland characters will somehow be exhilarating together!
• Uguu, were you avoiding me this morning? Uguu, I wasn’t! Uguu, I was afraid you hated me. Uguu, there’s no way I could ever hate you, Blandko, my beautiful Japanese maiden of purity. Uguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~
• Meanwhile, Chitoge gets roped into helping the teachers scare the bejeezus out of the rest of the class. I’m sorry, but I don’t think a blue-eyed, blonde girl holding a flashlight would be very scary to me. If anything, she’s just going to scare herself, which’ll force Raku to swoop in and save the day. Oh look, I was right:
Boy, it’s almost as if harem anime have no creativity to them whatsoever.
• As Chitoge sits there alone in the dark, she starts thinking of Raku. She is tsuntsun about him at first: “Who needs him to save me? I’m totally…” But she’s learned her role well. Like the undefeatable swordswoman who ends up jumping into the arms of the worthless nerd at the first sight of a rat, our heroine can’t wait until Raku shows up to carry her away from this dark, scary forest.
• In the meantime, however, Raku’s still a little busy ‘not-flirting’ with Kosaki. Like flirting, he spews a whole lot of bullshit in her direction, but it’s ‘not-flirting’ because he exudes about as much sexual charm as a slice of white bread.
• There you go again!
Stop putting the hand-holding on a pedestal!
• Oh god: “Onodera’s hand is soft, and… Warm… And I can tell that Onodera’s just a little bit nervous too.”
• Two minutes later, the two of them still haven’t moved from their spot. They’re still just standing there awkwardly. But it’s okay! Their hands are touching!
• But what about Chitoge, man! She’s shaking like a leaf in the forest! Don’t worry, here comes Shu to save the harem. He quickly informs our bland harem lead that Chitoge’s been missing for quite some time now (you’ll notice that Raku and Kosaki still haven’t moved…). Gosh, if only someone would save her~
• Well, obviously, this isn’t really about Chitoge:
Onward, young soldier! Now’s your chance to play the hero! Now’s your chance to save the girl you’ve been negging all episode long! Now’s your chance to make her melt in your white bread arms!
• Raku finally decides, “Dammit… guess I have no choice.”
Yeah, I guess he’ll just have to save the hot girl from her biggest phobia… again. Gosh!
• So Raku goes sprinting off into the forest…
…like an Edward Cullen.
• All tsunderekkos are the same:
Tsugumi just isn’t lucky enough to have a worthless nerd to rely upon. Then again…
• But anyway, the point is that tsundere characters almost always have to have some sort of crippling weakness. You might naively think that this adds a lot of depth to show’s characters, but if rich characterization is really what the show’s creators are concerned about, what’s Raku’s weakness?
• Plus, these moments of weakness always end up helping the heroine realize that she’s been harboring those feelings of ~tru3 ruv~ for the main character all along. Those feelings of ~tru3 ruv~ have merely been buried deep away. Case in point, Chitoge’s latest dilemma reminds her of how that boy once saved her life. No, we’re not talking about the time he saved her from the wild animal. We’re talking about the time he saved her from the bottomless pit when she had somehow fallen down a deep crevasse. Gosh, get your facts straight! So anyway… even though she’s forgotten all about that boy, she just can’t help but think of him now. She just can’t help but fall in love with someone she can’t even remember! Because that’s what true love is!
Falling in love with a specter of your forgotten memories!
• Aw, how romantic:
But after nine whole episodes of this crap, we already know how this week’s episode is going to play itself out. At first, it’ll look like Kosaki’s winning the world’s shittiest version of The Bachelor, but in the end, Raku will inevitably find his way back to Chitoge’s side. No wait, Chitoge will be directly behind him ’cause an Asian girlfriend’s rightful place is always several steps behind her true love.
• It looks like she’s giving him the hardest nipple pinch ever though:
• And in harem anime land, this counts as progress:
Somewhere on Mount Harempus, Hand-holdeus and First-Namea are shedding a tear at this magical moment… right before they get back to watching My Little Pony.
• B-b-but don’t get any wrong ideas, okay? Calling each other by our first names will just make our fake relationship more convincing to outsiders. Uguu, it’s not like I’m in love with you or anything…
• Oh look, by the time they found their way back to the hotel, the “Test of Courage” was already over. Guess we spent all that quality time with Chitoge for nothing. Siiiiiiigh.
• So Tsugumi tells Chitoge that they have the day off tomorrow. As a result, why not go and check out that place where Chitoge claimed to have met her first love? Y’know, that place that Chitoge had wanted to visit before she got sidetracked by this school trip? Y’know, that place that might contain a clue or two about the identity of that boy, thereby forcing this plodding narrative to finally get on with itself already?