Looking a little crazy in the eyes there, Apollon.
The bishies finally find out why Zeus has gathered them all here. Despite their protests, the old man will not relent. The next day, all of them have to attend an entrance ceremony to usher in the start of their school year, but a few of the gods play hooky.
• Immediately, Apollon puts the moves on our heroine. He pulls her in by the waist and gives her a peck on the cheek. When Yui naturally freaks out at the gesture, Apollon plays dumb: “I was being polite!” Sure, some Westerners give each other a kiss on the cheek as a greeting. I almost believed Apollon too… but the waist-grabbing part was what tipped me off. C’mon son, nobody does that as part of an innocent greeting.
• Please, give the girl some breathing room:
• He then proceeds to sparkle on his magical flying horse.
• “It’s okay. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Yo, I’m like 200 feet in the air, riding a flying horse at probably at least 60mph with no seat belts or anything. Yeah, you bet your ass I’m afraid for my life.
• So anyway, our heroine and her six bishies are trapped on a floating island in the middle of an endless field of clouds. Yeah, there’s no escaping this predicament. Yui and Apollon have no choice but to return to the academy on the magical flying horse. But y’know, they call it an academy, but I don’t see a bloody soul besides Yui and her six bishies. Well, besides Zeus but he doesn’t really count.
• Thor? Thor? He didn’t even get any screentime in last week’s episode. Pfft, obviously he’s not even legit candidate. Go back to Natalie Portman, jerk. By the way, you know it’s Thor because he has a lightning bolt cut into his hairline:
• And there’s also Dionysos. Instead of being some carefree wine-drinking guy, he just looks kinda… pathetic:
There are also like a billion Greek gods that are associated with fertility, so calling Dionysos the God of fertility is kind of short-changing him a bit here.
• So how does Baldr, our Norse god of the light, feel about Apollon being the god of the sun?
• Susanoo and Loki charge at Zeus, but the old man just slams his staff down once and blows the two of them away with his lightning powers. Zeus then makes all the bishies wear jewelry. Zeus, please… as if their appearances weren’t emasculating enough!
• What authority does Zeus really have though? Who appointed him king of all the gods, y’know? What if, in actuality, this is just some perverted old man who’s kidnapped a bunch of young kids to act out his most carnal desires on some secluded floating island? Yep, this is the anime sequel to Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom.
• Then because we are unable to comprehend anything intangible like the human condition, our bishies’ connection with humanity will literally be measured by some floating container. They have one year to fill it up or these bishies will be trapped in old man Zeus’s garden for… eternity! Now, in ImoCho, we had a liquid-filled meter too. Every time ImoCho‘s heroine got turned on, ahem, her meter would fill up with a liquid of some sort. Now, what liquid would that be here? With all these guys. And one girl. I’m just wondering.
• Then out of nowhere comes Thoth, the Egyptian bishie of knowledge. He’s smart ’cause he’s got a monacle. Monacles mean you’re smart. And that rugged bare chest of his shows that… shows that… uh, well I haven’t got a clue why he can’t button his shirt. Now, what’s funny is that Apollon is also a god of knowledge, but for the sake of this anime, we can just assume he’s an idiot. And we wouldn’t want Saraswati to horn in on Yui’s territory, now would we?
• Oh okay. Old man Zeus slams his staff again and a bunch of students literally appear out of thin air. They’re just spirits. They proceed to walk around and socialize as if it hasn’t occurred to them that they’re trapped on some floating island in the middle of nowhere. I shudder to think how and where Zeus got these spirits.
• Thoth: “Zeus modeled this academy after human schools. … There’s even food available in the cafeteria.” Well, shit, I fucking hope so.
• Yui doesn’t have to worry about her family and friends, because when she succeeds in teaching our bishies how to love, she’ll be returned to her original time period all thanks to Chronos, the god of time.
• THOTH WILL NOT ENTERTAIN YOUR INSUBORDINATION:
THOTH WILL IMPOSE HIS SIZE ON YOU IF HE WISHES.
• Yeah, y’know, teaching bishies how to love is great and all, but you also have to be willfully ignorant of the fact that there exists starving children, sex trafficking, ethnic cleansing, gross violations of human rights, etc. Solving all of these grave issues would be a terrific way to help a bunch of uppity gods connect with the human race. But by all means, please have the gods play The Bachelorette on some fancy fucking island instead. No, I totally get it: this is an otome game, and obviously, this is all just for “fun.” But c’mon, stop throwing the “future of… humanity” shit around because it’s really insulting. There’s only so many times that you can say that the fate of humanity hinges upon the fucking courtship of some boring Japanese girl before it’s like, “Okay, stop… let’s get some perspective here.”
Instead of coming up with some bullshit excuse for why Yui has to teach these asshole gods how to love, just be real. Just say, “Hey, you’re going to attend this school, and it’s full of assfuckingly hot bishie gods. Have fun!” Nobody needs to know why she’s here. Do you think anyone who’s watching this really cares? No, of course they don’t. They just want to see a reverse harem in action. The whole “future of… humanity” bullshit is totally unnecessary, and if anything, it actually ruins the immersion of the show. Zeus totally has a good reason of doing this, y’all! No, he doesn’t, and nobody needs a reason to enjoy some cheap harem action.
• So there’s this thing:
It looks like a leftover from the game that they’ve decided to keep in the adaptation for some reason. I could be wrong, but I doubt Melissa (it apparently has a proper name) will have an important role in the story to play.
• Elsewhere, the gods are already getting naked with each other:
The rest of the characters commiserate over their situation. After sleeping on it, Yui enthusiastically embraces her responsibilities. Yippee.
• I don’t really want to refer to these bishies by their real name. I’m going to stick with their archetypes instead. So Clumsy is the first to greet Yui in the morning…
• Clumsy has never been to school before, so he’s super-excited to learn what the experience is like! But already, he’s jealous of Apollon and wonders if Yui and Apollon have always been this close. Get over it, Clumsy. You didn’t have a clothes-tearing transformation scene at the start of last week’s episode. You’re not going to win this contest.
• Aren’t we moving a little fast even for gods?
• We then get treated to an oh-so-humorous scene in which none of the gods can seem to understand what an entrance ceremony entails. Shit, the definition is built into the name, guys. It’s a ceremony… to celebrate your entry into the school. C’mon now, are these bishies all trophy gods or what?
• Even though Zeus had filled the academy up with random spirits yesterday, these spirits are nowhere to be found the following day. So as our heroine wanders around the gigantic campus in search of her bishies, her surroundings are eerily devoid of life. At the same time, however, there’s this generic, happy music playing in the background. The characters thus continue to be blissfully unaware of the fact that they’re dreadfully alone in this enormous prison of theirs.
• Hades continues to be as dramatic as hell though:
But then again, I’d be pissy too if my big brother kidnapped me from my toasty home and my wife to force me to court some random Japanese girl.
• I hope Jesus turns out to be the villain of the show or something. It wouldn’t be a Japanese game if a Christian god wasn’t the bad guy.
• More montages!
• Then out of nowhere, the spirits appear en masse during the entrance ceremony. But their eyes are all covered up:
So it makes the whole thing seem ominous. Like our bishies are all going to be sacrificed for the sake of some harvest or something.
• Yui: “Apollon-san, you can do it!” It’s a fucking pledge.
• Zeus: “We must weave the future…” Great, now the three Moirai are out of a job too. Will your tyranny never end, Zeus?!
Yeah, I’ve got nothing.