Black Bullet Ep. 8: Time to form an A-Team

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Oh, this screenshot? Just loli-master things… After spending an entire arc on just the madness of a woefully misunderstood and misguided Cursed Child — one that Rentaro successfully and thankfully brought back to the light — we finally return to the Gastrea threat. It’s like, “Oh yeah, there are these giant-ass bugs we have to worry about. I totally forgot about them because Tina Sprout-o was such a captivatingly tragic figure!” So what crazy shit are these bugs up to nowadays? A Stage Four Gastrea has attached itself to a Monolith and is somehow melting the damn thing to the ground. As a result, the Tokyo Area will be ripe for a full-on Gastrea invasion. Unless our heroes do something about it, everyone will die! Everyone! As such, Seitenshi has given Rentaro the responsibility of forming a task force of only the brightest and most capable loli-masters. Together, these loli-masters and their lolis will hopefully intercept every last invading Gastrea until the powers-that-be can erect a new monolith. Oh, don’t you worry! I’m sure Rentaro’s erecting a new “monolith” right now at the mere thought of these congregating lolis!

But wow, this is totally super heavy. Can’t we pull back a bit and add some much needed levity to the storyline? Alright, let’s do that! As I’m sure you’re well aware of, Rentaro has been looking for a new school for Enju for quite some time now. Unfortunately, it is just so difficult to find capable teachers these days. They’re always like, “Are you really a teenager in charge of a young girl?” and “I think Enju could probably use a real authority figure she doesn’t feel the need to possess sexually because she’s afraid of abandonment.” Haha, those crazy people and their concern for Enju’s welfare! As a result, Rentaro has decided that he’ll teach Enju himself. In fact, he’ll teach all of the Cursed Children himself, including Tina Sprout-o! Yeah, a teenager who hasn’t even finished high school is totally capable of forming a curriculum and following through with it. ‘Cause y’know, the Cursed Children could really use a teacher that constantly has to go on dangerous missions and thus may never return. It really teaches the lolis that life sucks, and the people you care about may die at any moment. That’s why you may as well try to seduce your masters now just in case you never see them again. Enju does it all the time and look how well-adjusted she is!

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In fact, both Enju and Tina Sprout-o are super well-adjusted. Lately, Rentaro has been all sad and morose that everyone might die, even the people who hate his precious lolis. Thankfully, he’s got a pair of mahou shoujos back home to remind him that he’s in a fantasy world full of precocious little girls who constantly want to marry him. Mm-hmm, thank god for anime! In fact, Rentaro finally has a kindred soul to discuss the magical wonders of anime. Hey man, I love anime too! Can I join the sleepover? Unfortunately, I’m not a bland harem lead. Furthermore, I’d probably feel too awkward about a contrived situation in which a little girl starts calling me “onii-san.” After all, I never was quite into that whole “Let’s feel superior to the female gender by making them all little kids who depend on me for their well-being” sort of thing. But whatever floats Rentaro’s boat… Afterwards, he and Tina Sprout-o giggle over Enju saying random shit in her sleep. Hehe, just loli-master things. You wouldn’t really understand unless you’ve got a bevy of little girls seeking your approval.

Tina Sprout-o: “The Tina Sprout that was rank 98 has already died once, in that battle with you, Onii-san. The life I have now is a new one. Do with it whatever you wish.”

See? Mega well-adjusted. In fact, when Kisara shows up the next day, Tina Sprout-o emerges from beneath the covers to confess, “Wasn’t last night fun, Onii-san? It was a little scary at times, but I was happy that you taught me new things.” Haha, pedolicious jokes are so funny. It’s not like we really want this in real life or anything. Oh no, I’m sure anime fans hardly want to possess a young, blonde girl of their own. And this is what makes the situation so funny! It’s irony man, irony! It’s kind of like when we make jokes about black people. It’s not because we’re actually racist! We’re just trying to derive humor from an abject situation! Likewise, this shot of Rentaro’s head between the young girl’s bare legs totally doesn’t mean he want to bang his lolis. It, too, is pure and delicious irony! This is where anime is working on multiple levels far beyond any Western cartoons. After all, public opinion of the Cursed Children are at an all-time low. Some loli — misunderstood, I’m sure — just had to go and kill one of her oppressors. As such, the New Gastrea Law will likely never come to pass! People are just so high-strung nowadays. That’s why we gotta make a few pedo jokes here and there. Y’know, to make people laugh and soften their hearts when it comes to these downtrodden, little girls.

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Anyway, like I’ve said, it’s up to Rentaro to put together an A-Team of just the best and brightest loli-masters much like himself. We’ll just happen to take a short detour where we go shopping with Tina Sprout-o. Yep, yep, imminent Gastrea threat that can wipe out the entire Tokyo Area got you down? Why not play dress-up with your very own little girl? I mean, you already got one in Enju, but she’s not a blonde. You haven’t really played dress-up unless you’ve got a blonde Barbie of your own. Afterwards, you can get the girl all wet at the fountain. Then, you can win a shitty bear for her in a crane game, but she’ll treasure the damn thing anyway ’cause hell, ain’t no one but her loli-master has ever given her a fucking stuffed animal before. Obviously, Ayn Rand was never really the cuddly sort. Finally, you and your loli can encounter another loli in the mean streets of Tokyo. But this ain’t no ordinary loli. This is a loli that has poured lead into her own eyes! Woagh shit! That’s so creepy, man. In fact, I’m going to post about how creepy and disturbing this is on the internet webforums! I mean, I can’t think of anything more disturbing than a poor loli maiming herself! But this just shows you the plight of the lolis. Balk all you want at the disturbing implications of a young man being in charge of his harem of little girls! The alternative, however, is lead in the eyes! LEAD IN THE EYES. I’D CRY BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE I’VE GOT LEAD IN THE EYES.

After spending an entire day of mirth and merriment — except for the whole “lead in the eyes” dealio — Rentaro and his blonde Barbie finally make their way to the first loli-master and his loli that Rentaro would like to recruit. It’s just too bad that not everyone’s quite as magnanimous as Rentaro himself. This new guy wants to turn tail as soon as he hears that 2,000 Gastreas are prime to invade Tokyo Area in just four short days. Not only that, all the civil officers hate Rentaro too! This certainly makes negotiations a bit harder. Whoa, whoa, calm down there, Tina Sprout-o. Sure, this guy is laughing at Rentaro, but it’s okay. They’re just jealous, so you don’t have to defend his honorino. After all, this is just two loli-masters puffing up their tails, trying to see which of the two of them is the bigger alpha dog. As a result, we’ll just have a little fight. You can rest assured that that Rentaro will smack this rank 1,850 bitch down like no tomorrow. Hey, just the best and brightest loli-masters for the A-Team, y’know? Hell, look at this sick-ass animation:

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…hahaha… you can’t be serious… hahahahahahaha!–… I mean, fucking sweet action shot there, bro. But yeah, Rentaro wins and thus his A-Team of loli-masters manages to grow a pair that day. But that’s nothing compared to how our hero’s own heart grows three sizes just from this touching moment alone:

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Let’s do it, bro! Let’s defend Tokyo together with our lolis!

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3 thoughts on “Black Bullet Ep. 8: Time to form an A-Team”

  1. Tthis show is like pokemon but with action loli’s instead. I usually have a high suspension of disbelief/tolerance when it comes to animes but with this creepy pedobear pandering I had to drop it at episode 3.

    I know it’s been said before but what why is it that only little girls can be “infected”/super-powered for some contrived reason. And what’s with the whole forced racism against them, it makes the mutant hate thing in x-men look subtle in comparison.

    1. at least it makes more sense than “blooms” and “weeds” divided by some arbitrary cut-off point in test scores.

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