Oh my word, this isn’t even the last episode. Alright, let’s get this over with.Let’s just see how dumb this show can get.
— Alright, when we last left off, Ryota finally learned that Neko was his Kuroneko. Aw, how very sweet. Too bad Valkyria is here. Too bad Chisato is here too! Alright, the jig is up! Time to hand over the haremettes! Well, actually, Kotori’s the only one he wants. The others can die for all he cares.
— Ryota tries to distract Valkyria so that Hatsuna could disable the evil Neko-lookalike. There’s just one small problem…
Hmm… Oh well, you’ve gone and made Valkyria mad.
Oh come on, there’s not even anything to censor.
— It’s good to see, however, that Arms is sparing no expense for this adaptation. Here, you can see Chisato looking cool as he takes in the scenery.
— Seeing as how his plan has failed, Ryota thus tries to reason with the bad guy, i.e. the same guy who has killed a countless number of witches without remorse: “Have you ever thought about the feelings of the witches who get killed?” Y’know, I think we can safely assume that Chisato doesn’t really give a shit about the witches at this stage in the game. In fact, Chisato replies, “Do you think about the feelings of each bug you kill?” Oh boy! That’s the psychotic answer I want to hear! Anyway, there’s no point in analyzing Chisato’s words. He has nothing profound to say. It’s just your typical madman narcissism.
— For whatever reason, Valkyria is really attached to Neko. Twinsies?!
— This super-mega-powerful S-rank witch with eight different abilities at her disposal has already been knocked down to the ground twice by a bunch of chumps because she apparently lacks any awareness. Alright, alright, I’ll concede that Hatsuna ambushed her from behind. Kotori, however, literally walks out of vision from right in front of these two idiot baddies, then tackled Valkyria from the side. C’mon, Mewtwo, step your game up.
— Even the most heroic moments in this anime end up looking goofy as hell:
— Why does Valkyria stop, though? Alright, Ryota saved Neko for a brief second. That doesn’t mean Valkyria is out of commission. Blow the rest of them up! Uh, are you going to blow them up or not? Nope. The bad guys take a breather to allow the rest of the witches to run to Ryota’s side. Good job. It doesn’t matter anyway. We all know no one’s going to die here. After all, wouldn’t Kana have seen their deaths coming?
— The best part here, however, is that Kana actually typed out Ryota’s name! C’mon, man, the harem lead just got seriously injured! I don’t care if you’re fucking paralyzed. You’re going to call out his name whether you like it or not!
— As if this bullshit couldn’t get any better, Nanami somehow appears before him. Yes, she edited herself into his memories. She has also created a vision of herself that would only trigger if Ryota had somehow lost all hope. No, wait, wait, it’s even crazier than that: “Don’t speak. You can talk to me just by thinking.” She has somehow edited her consciousness into his brain. How magical is that! Maybe the truth is even more fantastic than I had previously thought! Is that the yung Obi-Wan Nanami?
— And yes, if you’re keeping track, the bad guys are still just standing there and watching some poor sap in his death throes. You gotta wonder why they were so hellbent on killing the witches to begin with if they’re just going to sit back and chill for the next few minutes.
— Nanami decides to reveal now — yes, only now — that Neko is actually stronger than Valkyria! She’s so powerful, they couldn’t control her power, so they sealed it up! Alright, I get it. There’s a 99.9% chance that Neko would die if you unlock her true potential, so Nanami didn’t want them to use this strategy unless it is absolutely necessary. Even so, I’m sure she could’ve trusted Ryota with this bit of information long before he got a huge chunk of his abdomen blown away. Oh look, he’s passing out.
— Ugh, the witches mourn Ryota’s fate some more.
— Ryota then awakens somehow to tell Neko exactly what she needs to know. Jesus Christ, is he dead or not? Is this scene going to last forever or what? Well, duh, this is not an asspull in any way, shape, or form. It’s magic! This is a show about witches, after all!
— The best part is when all you have to do to unlock Neko’s true potential is by pushing the top button on her harnest! That’s it! It’s just a button! Boop! Wow, now you’re even stronger than an S-rank witch! SS-rank?!
But seriously, you literally could hit that button in a multitude of ways. Friend walks up to put an arm around your shoulders–… oopsie, you’re now stronger than Mewtwo! You lie down to have a quick nap–… oopsie, you’re now stronger than Mewtwo! You’re not minding your surroundings, and you lean back against the edge of a table–… oopsie, you’re now stronger than Mewtwo! These assholes are investigating alien technology, and this is the best countermeasure they could come up with for Neko’s apparently uncontrollable destructive powers.
— Nevertheless, Ryota uses every last ounce of his energy to say this incredibly long-winded and and needlessly-detailed sentence: “I can’t push the button that has a 99.9% chance of killing you.”
— Alright then! Four whole minutes after Valkyria’s last attack, Chisato finally gives her the kill order once again. Good lord.
— Oops, it seems as though the bad guys have wasted too much time, allowing for Ryota’s back-up plan to show up just in time to disable Valkyria’s magic:
And yes, that is what they look like. Thankfully, this is the second to the last episode, ’cause I have a feeling things will just get dumber and dumber from here on out. Let’s just hope, however, that the rest of that shit stays confined to the manga. I know you guys enjoy watching just how bad this show can get, but I think a season is more than enough for me. If we’re going to subject ourselves to bad anime, let’s at least adapt new stuff every season instead of rehashing the same, tired bullshit year after year.
— Alright… so how are these guys managing to disable Valkyria’s powers? You can thank this guy:
Yeah, it’s a guy. Fittingly enough, he neutralizes all women in his presence.
— Then just as quickly as the “Initializer” is introduced, Chisato pulls out another gun and shoots the kid. This then allows him and Valkyria to just disappear into thin air. Oh yeah, he took Kotori with him too. Well, so much for that…
— Still, there’s just a small matter of Ryota bleeding himself out on the floor. Kazumi says, “What the heck? Now everything’s meaningless. What’s the point of me living if Murakami is gone?” Really? The bland harem lead means that much to you?
— But hey, we’re all about asspulls, so apparently, Hatsuna can save the guy by using her powers! Just look at those wiggly things coming out of his wound:
That just tells you the magic is working!
— Hatsuna then melts in the process. Kazumi then goes, “Not only was Murakami not revived… Hatsuna melted…” No one thought to tell the girl to stop before she died, huh? But it’s okay! Here comes the power of CPR!
— Thanks to the power of teamwork and his haremettes, our harem lead is back in action! Alright then! Ew, what about this pool of dead witch over here, though…
Yeah, we might want to get that cleaned up.
— Anyways, according to these new guys, the slimy shit inside the witches’ harnests will eventually grow to devour the witches’ bodies. They will then threaten humanity or some shit. This just keeps getting better and better.
— Back in the bad guys’ headquarters, Chisato refers to Kotori as Rena. W-who’s Rena? It’s none other than his sister! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
— One of the shadowy figures in Chisato’s flashback goes, “Our objective is to create the race of humans who are the true rulers of this planet.” Really? We aren’t already the rulers of this god forsaken hellhole?
— M-m-more exposition! At the 11th hour! Aliens created humans! The ability to reset Earth can be found in our genes! The “Grane” inside Kotori’s harnest will melt the cells of all living things on this planet if it awakens!
C’mon, buddy, that’s not the right attitude to have. In fact, our harem lead is not happy: “Screw your resistance! You’re not doing anything different from Ichijiku!” Yeah, man, there’s a chance the alien shit will awaken and wipe out humanity, but c’mon… these are my haremettes.
— In any case, both sides will still want to locate Chisato’s secret hideout and thus either retrieve or kill Kotori. We are then treated to a scene in which Kazumi tries to use her hacking powers to discern the bad guy’s location. But wait, there’s another witch on the other end counterhacking Kazumi! Truly, this is a battle of the wits. Too bad she gets to look cross-eyed in the process:
— Aaaaand it seems that Hatsuna still can’t die:
Uh, are we sure she’s not actually the most powerful witch here?
— More exposition time with Chisato, our favorite crazed scientist. He’ll do anything to revive his imouto. Anything! Imoutos are worth their weight in gold, apparently. But why is he bothering to tell Kotori all of this? Why is he bother to tell her anything? After all, she’s not his Rena. Even if she was his Rena, I really doubt she would approve of his actions. In engaging Kotori in a pointless conversation, all Chisato ends up doing is accidentally reveal that he cares nothing for Valkyria. Man, when will villains ever learn that it’s foolish to open your mouth?
— Whoops, it looks as though Kotori’s Grane is going to hatch.
Rest in pieces, humanity. Do you really need a stupid name for everything, though? Even better, the anime decides to show us what this phenomenon would look like from outer space:
Fantastic. Another quality episode of Brynhildr in the Darkness.