Rail Wars! Ep. 2: An explodingly good time

Rail Wars! - 0201

Wow, really? A terrorist attack in this anime as well? Well, alright then! The more the merrier! Unfortunately for our heroes, they have to stay behind and watch over Tokyo Station. But hey, all sorts of excitement await them. For example, they have to tell a kind, old lady where to find the platform for the bullet train. As Naoto helps the old lady out, the tsuntsun Aoi studies him carefully. Uguu, what a wholesome male lead! And yes, wholesome is the name of the game, and you won’t find a more wholesome anime than this “edutaining” series about trains–…

this is an anime about trains

God, can’t you give that .gif a rest? That was then (the first episode)! This is now (the second episode)! We’ve got to put our past behind us! After all, our four friends are now looking for a crying kid’s mother! It doesn’t get any more wholesome than that–…

Rail Wars! - 0203

Okay, one boobilicious image! One! Is that all you’ve got?

Rail Wars! - 0205

W-what? You’ve never heard of train workers taking a break to eat dessert specially frozen by liquid nitrogen before?

Okay, okay, we’ll have some excitement now. It turns out the search for the bomb at Yokohama Station was nothing more than a wild goose chase, and the real bomb has been planted at Tokyo Station. You happy? Our heroes are thus in a mad rush to find the bomb before it goes off. Of course, they could just pay the 100 million yen ransom, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists–…

Rail Wars! - 0206

Oh come on! Work with me here!

Nana: “As a JNR employee, your first priority is always the customers’ safety.”

F….FINE! We’ll be mature adults then! In all seriousness, however, Nana gives our foursome a little leeway. The bomb is set to go off at 3:00 PM. As a result, our heroes have until 2:50 PM to find it. Otherwise, they’ll do the lame thing and pay the bomber. That’s pretty much how I’d describe this anime right about now. I mean, just look at Naoto’s response to Aoi when she asks him why he’s so gung-ho all of a sudden: “I just want our customers — everyone — to be able to ride the rails safely.” Oh my god, please. I know you guys are all about safety and responsibility and all that jazz, but c’mon, this is anime. Live a little. Are you telling me the only morally grey thing you’ll do is creep on the girls? Speaking of which, look at how hard that skirt is riding Aoi’s ass. But that’s the thing! The only iota of excitement in this entire anime is the fanservice! I thought this was called Rail Wars!, not Rail Bores!

Rail Wars! - 0207

Aoi continues to stare at our hero even harder right after he said that last line I quoted. Like wow, this guy was a total loser before, but look how hard he cares about the public’s safety! I’m getting wet just thinking about it! After wasting their time looking through 368 coin lockers, Aoi finally suggests the obvious: let’s look for the bomb where we’d least expect it! Yeah! Let’s think like a terrorist. Whoops, none of us are terrorists. Well, what now? Haruka suddenly gets a fortuitous call about the lost-and-found dog. Apparently, it won’t stop barking. Oh, you can see where this is going. That’s right! The bomb is in the dog carrier itself! Naoto immediately tries to get rid of the bomb, but Aoi yells at him. Duh, don’t you know that bombs are always rigged with traps! Therefore, you can’t do anything funny with it or it might go off! That’s why we’ll just…

Rail Wars! - 0208

…sit the bomb precariously atop two thin pieces of strings that we’ve hung from the ceiling… um…. what if the dog gets overexcited and jostles the carrier? What if either of those strings snaps? Aoi then crawls beneath the bomb and slices the bottom open with a box cutter. Oh c’mon. I thought she just said that the bomb could be rigged with traps. How the hell does she know she won’t be triggering any of those traps by cutting into the carrier? That’s not even the biggest problem, though. After all, how the hell is she even remotely qualified to do this? Did they train these kids how to defuse bombs at the academy as well? Not only can they handle firearms, they can be on the bomb squad as well?

Aoi: “My dad taught me how [to diffuse bombs], at least.”

Welp, there you have it. Daddy, daddy, what are we going to do today? Aoi, my darling daughter, we’re going to learn how to diffuse bombs! Yaaaaay. But hey, this is a tense moment. I didn’t quite expect this from the anime. One wrong move and they could both die! This is serious, you guys–…

Rail Wars! - 0209

If you can’t tell, that’s Naoto’s left arm firmly wedged between Aoi’s breasts. Yeah, y’know, bomb or not, you can never pass up a moment for some quality fanservice. Afterwards, Aoi is stumped. She doesn’t know which of these many wires to cut next, so she asks Naoto for his opinion, Our genius hero over here suggests that she cut the pink wire because pink represents cherry blossoms, and Aoi’s family name just so happens to be Sakurai… so, uh, y’see, that’s the trick right there. Naturally, Aoi ignores him and cuts the red wire. Unfortunately, this only causes the countdown to speed up by about two minutes, so Naoto goes, “Just cut the pink one already.” Aoi replies, “It’s too late. If I cut it now, it’ll blow up.” Yo, you didn’t even know which wire to to cut. How do you know now that the whole thing will blow up if you cut the pink wire?

With less than five minutes left on the timer, Aoi leaves Naoto to hold onto the bomb so that she can run off and… do something. Meanwhile, Haruka asks our hero if there’s anything she can do for him. There’s less than five minutes left on the timer, mind you. Hardly enough time for the girl to leave and do anything meaningful. Nevertheless, our hero looks straight into her eyes, smiles, and says, “Our customers come first.” Oh. My. God. But whatever, there is now only a minute left on the timer. You’d think Naoto would be sweating bullets. You’d think he’d be crying. After all, he’s going to die in a minute unless Aoi can perform a miracle! In reality, however, the guy merely has a slightly perturbed look on his face:

Rail Wars! - 0210

“Who… who ate the last donut?” Naoto then closes his eyes and sees the magical train in the sky. No, I’m not even shitting you:

Rail Wars! - 0211

And inside the train, Naoto is happily driving the train like he always wanted.


Of course, Aoi returns just in the nick of time with a cannister of liquid nitrogen. She’s going to freeze the bomb! Yo, you didn’t think we’d have a dessert scene for no reason, did you? Hah, Chekhov’s caeki! Sakurai is thus able to freeze the bomb in just the nick of time, i.e. five seconds left on the timer. Meanwhile, the dog’s just sitting in the carrier, thinking, “Wow, my ass feels pretty nice right about now.”

Rail Wars! - 0213

Just look at that smug face. But y’know, I thought the authorities were going to pay the bomber the ransom money at 2:50 PM? So what is even the point of all this? Shouldn’t the bomb had switched off ten minutes ago because the kids’ bosses would never risk their lives like this? Not only that, any significant damage from the bomb would probably cost more than 100 million yen to repair. And hey, let’s not forget the PR campaign you’d have to run in order to convince the public that it’s safe enough to ride the trains! Sure enough, we don’t see the attempted hand-off of the money until after the bomb has been diffused. Therefore, their bosses did decide to endanger these kids’ lives. But hey, we saved some money.

Rail Wars! - 0212

Afterwards, Aoi slumps over into Naoto’s arms — shiny ass firmly sticking out, of course. Are we already at the deredere phase already? That’s right, she wants to be in his arms. And just like that, Naoto has been promoted to deputy squad leader. Nana tells him that he had really proved himself today. By, y’know, doing… doing… wait, what did he do again? He didn’t discover the location of the bomb. He didn’t diffuse the bomb. He didn’t even catch the bomber. Honestly, what did he even do? Oh right, he held onto the bomb. Silly me! Also, he cared really, really hard for the customers. Like customers number one! That’s worthy of a promotion if I may say so myself! What about Aoi, you ask? Y’know, the girl who magically knew how to diffuse a bomb? Eh, women don’t need promotions in Japan! They’ll just get married and be stay-at-home wives anyway! Promote the guy instead!


8 Replies to “Rail Wars! Ep. 2: An explodingly good time”

  1. If Naoto was holding the bomb while Sakurai sprayed it with liquid nitrogen, wouldn’t that fuck up his hands as well? Hell, even the dog’s feet wouldn’t be in the best condition afterwards, presumably.

    1. Depends… did it pour the nitrogen DIRECTLY on his hands? Otherwise, you’d probably not be too much at risk… the thing evaporates too quickly to do any lasting damage. I’ve always been told it can be painful, yes, but to get a frostbite you really need to have your hands splashed with it (touching cold metal is another risk though). Of course every time I’ve handled it I still wore huge gloves because frostbite is still a big can of NOPE.

      More importantly, would it be enough to defuse a bomb? Without even knowing what explosive is in? I wouldn’t be necessarily sure.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s