Another week, another slate of harem anime episodes to watch. But before we get started, let’s take a look at last week’s poll results.
Boy, would you look at that… Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance pretty much won the first week in a landslide victory. Will it win the Crown of Shit Anime by the end of the year? Maybe… maybe… Alright then, let’s see what week two has in store for us.
Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? Ep. 2
The characters play card games.
The characters eat dinner (Sanae’s attached to the main character because this allows her to taste whatever he’s tasting).
The girls then transfer into Koutarou’s school where, well, nothing happens. Why do the characters even bother to acknowledge the fact that it’s oh-so-weird how the class will now get four transfers out of nowhere? Like why even bother? It’s not funny anymore. Hell, has it ever been funny? “Haw haw, you’re so right! These transfers are weird!” Then what? There’s never a fucking punch line. That’s pretty much the extent of the joke every single time the same thing happens in any given anime.
Aaaaaand that about does it for this week’s episode. There is literally nothing else for me to write about. If you don’t believe me, you can try and watch the episode for yourself. And if you do, just remember that this is somehow — somehow — based off of a light novel series. Obviously, the word “novel” doesn’t mean anything anymore. You can just vomit words onto 100-plus pages — thereby killing poor, innocent trees in the process — and call yourself a novelist these days. It must be that easy, because I don’t know how else to explain Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!?‘s sorry existence.
Is this anime the most haremy shit ever? No. The truth is it’s just really, really boring. But that brings us to the next dilemma. Should Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance automatically win this week’s contest because it is infinitely more haremy than this show? Or should Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? win instead because it is so unbelievably boring that I couldn’t even write about it? I don’t know. I really don’t. Personally, I’m actually leaning towards voting for Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? myself.
I dare you to watch this episode, however, and enjoy it. I dare you. Oh, but don’t even bother if you think the average anime comedy series is any funny. You’re already a lose cause if that’s the case.
Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance Ep. 2
We didn’t have an OP for last week’s episode, did we? Oh well, if we did, I certainly didn’t watch it. But I am watching it now. I like how our hero gets to look all cool and badass:
But the main love interest has to be all bent over with her ass sticking out. Not only that, there’s a cat perched atop her ass:
Yo, that’s not even where the pussy goes. Alright, that’s enough of the OP for me. Time to skip ahead and watch the anime itself. As you’ll recall, Kamito is here to participate in the prestigious Blade Dance event. Why is it so important? Oh, if you win, your country will prosper for years and years to come. No pressure, though. Not only that, the winner will have one of her wishes granted. Let’s hope nobody here wants to bang her twin brother. In any case, Kamito won’t be fighting for any sovereignty. Rather, he’s in it for a hot anime babe. This is a harem anime, after all. Having said that, we can put the Blade Dance tournament aside for now, because the main character will most certainly have to power himself up over the course of the season. For now, the biggest concern is… his stomach. Can a man get something to eat around here or what?
Sure enough, Rinslet drops by with a bowl of soup. Ah, but there’s a catch! If he wants to eat any of it, he’ll have to bark like a dog and become her slave. Well then. When the guy naturally refuses to, y’know, degrade himself, she calls him a brute. Even so, she offers him a place besides her as her butler anyway. Why would you want a brute for a butler? Naw, y’see, our haremette has already taken an interest in the lead — doki doki — but she can’t just come out and say it! No fair anime maiden can ever admit that she likes boys, sex, or anything related to those two topics! That’s why she leaves the bowl of soup behind anyway and pretends as though her maid had made much too much. It’s not like she wanted to feed him or anything! As a sign of gratitude, Kamito tells her that he’ll be her friend, which causes the girl to blush and be all flustered. God, it’s just a bowl of soup! D-don’t get the wrong idea just because she’s a generous soul!
Rinslet runs into trouble, however, because Claire was also on her way to bring the harem lead a bunch of foodstuff. Why? He’s her contracted spirit, after all! Even though, y’know, he’s not a spirit. But ah well, when have haremettes ever been logical? Anyway, the two girls are about the fight over a guy. As a result, they each pull out their respective Pokemons. First up, we have Rinslet’s dire wolf:
Holy crap, that is an ugly-ass wolf. I thought wolves were supposed to be majestic-looking and shit. Its name is Fenrir, by the way. As for Claire, we already know she has a tiny, little house cat:
Hm, a house cat versus a dire world. I’m not sure this is going to go well for our red-haired tsunderekko. And yes, they’re all tsunderekkos. There’s like some kind of harem law out there that states, “The more alpha male the harem lead is, the more tsuntsun his haremettes will be.” One of these days, I’ll compile a list of harem laws and read them off from atop Mount Fuji… before it blows, of course. And now the battle ensues:
Yeah, those white and orange swirls are the two animal spirits going at it. Meanwhile, the girls are just standing there, fighting over the harem lead. Very progressive. Eventually, Claire’s kitty gets knocked into Kamito’s little shed, putting the whole thing on fire. Whoops. Rinslet tries to put it out with an ice arrow, but she just ends up destroying the entire structure:
Double whoops. There goes the harem lead’s home. Wait, wait, let me guess… he’s going to have to live with one of the girls now, right? To make matters worse, Ellis Fahrenfart now shows up. Yes, she’s a tsunderekko too. And yes, she thinks the harem lead literally destroyed his own home because — gasp! — he didn’t like what she had built for him. The nerve of the guy! Man, this is what you get when you reduce female characters down to a single, dominant personality trait. Then of course, one of those dominant personality traits will become a favorite amongst the average anime fan. As result, you have a ridiculous story where every single female character are virtually the same in the personality department, but it’s not like fans will even care. After all, the only important distinguishing factors are the girls’ hair color, blood type, physical measurements, so on and so forth. Having an actual unique personality is, well, a waste of time that would be better spent churning out volumes after volumes of poorly-written dreck.
Two random girls — friends of Ellis, I’m sure — begin to discriminate against both Claire and Rinslet, which is funny as hell to me. After all, they all look like a bunch of spoiled brats at some well-to-do school. Nevertheless, like a certain terrible series about shitty magicians also airing this season, there’s a hierarchy within this elitist haven. Rinslet is apparently from a family of backwater nobles… whatever that means. As for Claire, she has it even worse! She’s related to a known traitor! Wait a minute? Really? Wasn’t Silvia from Dragonar Academy also related to a known traitor? Not only are these haremettes all tsuntsun in the personality department, they all have the same fucking backstory too. That’s just tells you how lazy these light novels are.
In the end, Claire and Rinslet challenge Fahrenfart and her bigoted friends to an official duel that will take place later that night. Somehow, the harem lead gets roped into the whole sordid affair too. And yes, I was right when I said Kamito would end up staying with one of the girls. More specifically, he’ll be rooming with Claire for a while. Is it okay for a guy to stay in the girls’ dorms? According to Claire, there’s no problem here because he’s a contracted spirit, and contracted spirits don’t have genders or something. Still, I feel like I’ve watched this before…
After settling into his new room, Kamito is still hungry. Well, I guess the bowl of soup from earlier did burn down before he could eat any of it. But like most tsunderekkos, Claire can’t cook. There’s this weird thing in anime where girls are either brilliant at cooking or absolute shit at it. There never seems to be any in-between. And as a corollary, if a haremette is terrible at cooking, the harem lead is almost always brilliant at it. As a result, we now see Kamito cooking up a veritable feast for both him and Claire. As an aside, that’s one useful ass cat:
All my cat does is glare at me when I get home from work because her food bowl is empty. C’est la vie. But put aside the flaming cat for now, because the bathing Claire is suddenly under attack!
…by water tentacles? That’s how dangerous it is to be a female elementaler these days. You’re just trying to shower when, all of a sudden, a wild water spirit will attack. Good thing Kamito was there to save her! Even better, he hands the girl her own panties to wipe her tears with!
Oh, what delightful harem antics. It almost feels like Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance is making up for what Rokujyoma no Shinryakusha!? is lacking.
Afterwards, the anime delves a bit into Claire’s backstory, but like I’ve said, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. It’s a pretty standard “My family name has been disgraced by the actions of a relative” story.
Eventually, the duel between the girls — with Kamito tagging along, of course — takes place in Astral Zero, an alternate dimension that serves as a realm for the spirits. I love how Claire has to explain to the harem lead that sword spirits are best with close-ranged attacks. Naw, really? I thought I could shoot out bolts of energy from my sword like in Zelda. Oh well, it’s time for Kamito to unleash his mighty blade. Strike forth, young harem lead!
Er… I guess our hero has trouble summoning his sword to its fullest length. Must be the pressure from all the female eyes on him, mm-hmm. Just look at this sweet-ass animation, though:
Kamito’s face has never looked better, and it’s just the second episode. Ah well. The battle rages on, and Ellis ends up posing with her elemental waffe, i.e. a lance. The harem lead can’t help but compliment her beauty in the heat of battle, which leads to…
But before the battle can resolve itself, a new challenger appears:
No wait, it’s none other than Kamito’s first contracted spirit! Which is just another anime babe…
And that’s that for this week’s episode. Thank god.
Alright, vote away…