Oh my word… we’re in an MMO! We’re finally in an MMO. Hallelujah, you guys! SAO has finally done it! After four goddamn episodes, the main character has finally set foot in GGO. T-they said it couldn’t be done, but I knew all we had to do with sit through three agonizingly slow episodes of people sitting around, talking to each other about their mental problems. I… I like to thank God… and my family… without you guys, I never would’ve been able to watch this anime!
— Huh, what’s with that long lock of hair? Is Kirito going to be GGO’s Fabio?!
Uguu, I’m a girl! But of course, this comes to no actual fucking surprise. Unless you’ve been living under an anime rock, both the promo materials and the OP have pretty much screamed at the top of their lungs what Kirito would look like in the sequel. But seriously, imagine if SAO hadn’t dragged its feet. Imagine if Kirito had entered GGO in the first episode, i.e. the one episode that doesn’t have the OP. Then for people who had never read the light novels, Kirito becoming a girl might have actually come as a complete surprise! But A-1 Pictures can’t even do that. It’s not like you couldn’t have Kirito enter GGO, then go back and show us all the mundane bullshit we’ve been watching in the past three weeks. Storytelling 101 is just that hard, I guess.
— The falsetto version of Kirito’s voice was pretty unintentionally funny though, I gotta admit. “Huh… HUH?!” Bro, who are you trying to fool?
— It would be something if Kirito learns a thing or about what it’s like to be a woman in online game (probably not). It would be something if people actually watched this, and started feeling bad for how they or their friends have treated women in online games (again, probably not).
— By the way, nothing about GGO’s setup makes much practical sense. First, you log into the game and you just get randomly assigned a character. Has nobody involved in the creation of this story ever played or followed MMOs whatsoever? Because if they had, they would know that MMO players would never agree to this. People want to customize how they look. Every time a new MMO comes out, a significant section of the user base will scrutinize the character creation process. This is, after all, their online persona that they’ll be adopting for the next… oh, I don’t know… the next few months. As a result, you have to at least like what your character looks like! I mean, you can’t seriously tell me a gamer out there is actually happy to play as this gap-toothed yahoo:
Come on, give me a break. Secondly, these avatars aren’t even on equal grounds. Kirito has himself a rare F-1300 type. No fucking userbase out there would be happy with this. Why? Because it’s pure luck. If I know my MMO peers, they absolutely hate it when luck is a factor. If you’re going to ever get your hands on a rare anything, it better be because you raided for eight hours a day, everyday, for the past five months. Meanwhile, GGO hands out rare user avatars randomly. That would piss so many real players off, but in fantasy SAO world, the gap-toothed yahoo treats Kirito like a curious, fascinating specimen. Right. C’mon, SAO, you claim to love MMOs, but it sure as hell feels like you know nothing — nothing — about how MMOs or MMO communities work. People would flip their lid if someone logged in and randomly got themselves a super rare avatar they can sell on the market for tons of gold. You mean I’ve been grinding every single day for hundreds of thousands of gold, and this fucker over here instantly got one as soon as he logged in?
— The gaptoothed yahoo offers two mega credits for our
Gary Mary Stu’s account. What’s the exchange rate on two mega credits? 50 pretty unicorns?
— Apparently, if Kirito’s model is really a guy, then it’s even rarer! Male privilege at work once again, folks!
— I don’t know why Kirito grabs at his chest and thinks his flatness is sufficient proof that he isn’t a girl. Wow, dude, you think pettankos aren’t girls? Way to be a shitlord!
— Oh man, look at all these guys catcalling our hero:
Hey, it’s easy. Just make it so that your chat window filters out the /say channel. This way, you can ignore people who aren’t your friends or fellow guild members… oh wait, this is SAO, so you probably can’t do something that every MMO has had for the past decade or more.
— Despite all its flaws, however, GGO does have weird-looking cats sleeping in its alleyway. Oh yeah, that’s the most important thing for an MMO to have: cat immersion.
— Look how Kirito’s eyes light up at the sight of a new candidate for his harem.
— Kirito: “Damn, she totally thinks I’m a girl.” If everyone thinks you’re a girl, dude, just go with it. You’re supposed to be undercover, anyway. You’re here to investigate a potential homicide. Why the hell, then, would you care so much what your avatar even looks like? Seriously. Other people should care. They play for fun. On the other hand, this is your job.
— Why would you just come out and say you’re entering the Ballet of Bullet event? Don’t you think you’re potentially arousing suspicions quite a bit? Oh, I’m new to this game, but I want to PvP against its top players right off the bat!
— Christ, do I really have to listen to Kirito’s female voice for the rest of season?
— Kirito has focused his stats into strength and agility… hey, that’s pretty much the ideal stats for GGO! What a coincidence!
— All these guns though… look at our Mary Sue’s face as he imagines himself not using a badass sword for the first time in his MMO career:
I-I’ll have you know I was an expert dual-wielder in my fantasy MMOs! Therefore, I demand a sword in this gun-focused MMO!
— According to Sinon, the starting 1,000 credits won’t even be enough to get Kirito a used revolver. Why can’t Sinon just craft our hero a decent gun to start out with, then? Wait, does this game even have crafting? Do you really just buy and sell guns that you get from drops and drops alone?
— They really couldn’t give Kirito a hacked account with a lot of credits on it, huh?
— So there’s a game within this game where you have to run down a long corridor and dodge bullets:
If you succeed, you get all the money players have put into the game since… well, apparently, nobody has ever beaten it before. I’m inclined to think it’s rigged, but obviously, our Mary Sue will get the job done. After all, he’s in a hefty need for credits. Predictable much, SAO?
— Great, Kirito runs like a Narutard too:
Seriously, you can’t tell me you can keep your balance when you’re bent over like that.
— Y’see, the problem other players run into is that they don’t dodge until they see the predictive bullet lines, and as a result, it’s already too late. Our Mary Sue, however, is a genius who realizes he should start dodging long before the predictive bullet lines even show up! Yes, in the history of the game, no has ever thought to be elusive 100% of the time. Only a Mary Sue could ever think of such a tactic.
— Haha, he even does a dramatic flip to end the game.
— Sinon: “What kind of reflexes do you have?!” Baby, why don’t I show you later in my private e-room…?
— Kirito knows nothing about guns, which is understandable. No, really, it is. Nevertheless, Sinon goes, “You don’t even know that, but you have those ridiculous dodging skills?” I’m sorry, but since when did dodging and knowledge about guns go hand-in-hand? They’re not even intrinsically related to each other. You can hit a three-point shot, but you don’t even know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch? What are you!
— “It goes back to the American M16…” Please… please don’t start doing this. Don’t start telling me details about assault rifles. I don’t care.
You’re goddamn right, it doesn’t.
— There we go! Kirito spies an energy sword, and he just can’t resist! The only thing more precious to Kirito than his haremettes is his trusty penis extension!
Whoa there, boy! Keep it in your pants now!
— Sinon: “Yeah, but no one uses them.” You just did it. You just gave our Mary Sue a reason to be the super special snowflake.
— Kirito wonders why nobody uses energy swords in this game. Sinon explains, “Well, because you can only strike at point-blank range…” But c’mon, even FPS games in my real, mundane world have melee weapons, ’cause guess what…? People panic when you get close to them. Their aim suddenly becomes erratic. You can have an advantage at point-blank range if you know what you’re doing. Sinon then adds, “…by the time you get that close, you’ve already been blown apart.” Au contraire, my future gun-fearing haremette! Will you be blown apart if you can use this energy sword to deflect bullets like some kind of shitty Jedi wannabe? ‘Nuff said, girl. I’m going to buy this energy sword! PAIED!
— Wow, it even hums like a lightsaber. Fucking RIP.
First, he anticipates bullet lines like a Jedi Master. Now, he wields a lightsaber. All that’s missing is the Jedi mind trick.
“You will be my haremette…”
“Yes, Kirito-chan… I will be your loving, doting haremette.”
“Wow, I didn’t even say you had to be loving or doting… I am the king!”
— By the way, have they even introduced themselves to each other yet? Y’know, learn the other person’s name?
— Hey, they could’ve called the bad guy “Darth Gun!” Alas, another missed opportunity.
— Sinon: “She looks surprisingly good with that.” Man, don’t you listen? He’s been going on and on about how he used to play a fantasy MMO, i.e. a game that’s likely full of swordplay. It’s not hard to put two and two together.
— 150,000 credits for an energy sword, good lord. Maybe RMTs have gotten to this game’s economy, too.
— Holy crap, this episode is hilarious. We’ve literally spent half of it just shopping. Not just any shopping, though. MMO shopping. MMO Shopping with the girls.
— Oh good, now we’re at a gun range. Let’s see if our Mary Sue is a crackshot as well.
Pfft, step your game up, son. Tatsuya of Mahouka would’ve hit it by now, and I don’t mean the bullseye.
— I love how Kirito and Sinon are now 10 minutes away from missing the BoB registration deadline entirely. Not only did Sinon, a veteran of the game, wait until the last minute to register, but apparently, Kirito’s bosses allowed him to enter the game without any clue whatsoever that he had only a limited amount of time to enter the contest. As a result, we now have this contrived race against the clock.
— No teleporters in GGO. No fast movement of any sort to speak of. Again, what a shitty MMO.
— No time to waste, baby. Hang on tight!
I knew owning a motorcycle in real life would pay off! Now I can ride in-game!
— She goes on to say, “…almost no one can handle them!” No one! Are you serious? Even Kirito’s ability to ride a bike is fucking unique. El-oh-el, guise, these bikes have just been sitting around collecting dust because no one can ride one! What’s next? Kirito’s the only person who can bullseye a womp rat on his T-16? As an aside, I like how the girl is groping Kirito’s chest already.
— The patented “bury my face in your back” anime move.
Noice. The seduction of Sinon has begun. Give yourself to the Mary Sue, Sinon. It is the only way you can save yourself.
Well, that was quick.
— Sinon: “Hey, faster! Go faster!” Keep this PG, girl.
— Boy, that was an exciting episode! What’s next? Eating e-caeki with my BFF? Accessorizing my cute armor with my BFF? Don’t hold back now, SAO!