Rail Wars! Ep. 6: Dumb and Dumber

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Alright, alright, let’s see what Naoto and his boobettes are up to this week. I never even intended to blog this show, but you guys asked for it. And you know I can never disappoint my five readers.

— “Dealing with Sakurai can really drain a guy.” You don’t say…

— Apparently, after the events in last week’s episode, everyone’s being detained in their homes. Naoto has nothing better to do than to play with his miniature train set. Meanwhile, one of his haremettes is busy exercising hard at a gym because she wants to be useful!

— Haruka goes on and on about how the body metabolizes fat and glycogen, but it seems like she’s staring at her breasts and thinking, “If I don’t change, I’ll just be a burden.” Oops, did I say exercising in the gym? I really meant getting sweaty enough to justify a hot shower scene. Did I say shower scene? I really meant symmetrically docking with my superior for no particular reason other hurr durr skinship.

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— Nana wonders if Haruka is only working out for Naoto’s sake. The girl blushes profusely. Naturally. Sigh, since last week’s episode was all about Aoi, I guess this week’s episode is going to be all about Haruka. Don’t worry, guys, I’m sure one of these weeks will be all about trains… one day…

— What’s the story this week? Naoto had received a suspicious-looking letter in the mail. The letter says something like, “Today could be your last day…” Yet another accomplice is out there? And he’s targeting the protagonist? You’d think the dumbass could just open the letter and read it carefully before jumping to conclusion, but no, that would be too smart of a thing for Naoto to do. He thus calls Haruka up so they can meet and discuss the contents of the letter privately.

– They’re having trouble finding a private place to have a chat, so Naoto grabs Haruka’s hands and drags her from location to location. I really don’t think it’s that difficult to find a quiet place to talk, but that’s anime for you. Plus, if he doesn’t do this, then Haruka wouldn’t suddenly be reminded of the time her grandfather held her hand. Yes, her grandfather. How very romantic.

— So after running around for god knows how long, this is the location our hero finally settles upon:

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Yes, right outside a bar. Excellent choice, buddy.

— The two of them then call Aoi to warn her about the accomplice. But when Aoi answers her phone, a gust of wind was so strong, it made her drop her cellphone and scream all at the same time! Yes, a gust of wind. No, y’see, it was going to blow her skirt up, and you can’t hold your skirt down with just one hand. Just more brilliant Rail Wars! logic for you. In any case, Naoto and Haruka are now under the impression that Aoi is in danger.

— If you’re wondering about Sho and what he’s been up to lately, he apparently entered a curry-eating contest and won it easily. Good for him…? Still doesn’t get you any lines in any of the recent episodes, though.

— Aoi now walks out of a store (she had to replace her phone) and spots Naoto and Haruka gazing into each other’s eyes. Uh-oh, drama! Christ, why don’t you just call Haruka back and ask what’s going on?

— Aoi goes, “[Naoto’s] not just spineless. He’s using it to get her in the sack.” So the red-head proceeds to whip out her handgun… yeah, in broad daylight in a civilian area. She even tries to aim the gun at his head as she says, “Good thing I got my gun back, so I can put a bullet in his brain.” T-that’s a reasonable response. First, I’m amazed the other two haven’t noticed Aoi just standing there, brandishing a gun in the middle of the streets. Secondly, love the sex-shaming. Trying to court Haruka? Hah, take hot lead, bastard! Third, this is anime, so she’s just jealous.

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— A penguin mascot then bumps into Aoi from behind, and a shot actually goes off! The safety wasn’t on! She actually intended to shoot the guy!

— The other two, being the idiots that they are, think they’re under sniper fire. Haruka’s immediate reaction is to dive into Naoto’s manly chest.

— Aoi then has the nerve to get mad at the mascot: “Shut up! You made me shoot at them!” I don’t need to leave the safety on! I wasn’t going to shoot at them! She then gets mad at her friends: “And why’re those two getting the wrong idea?” You. Have. A. Cellphone. Use. It.

— Instead, she tries to jaywalk, so a traffic cop yells at her. Naoto and Haruka are literally just across the street, but they don’t see or hear any of this. Just a pair of Japan’s best train employees in action.

— Naoto notices that someone — it’s Aoi, but he doesn’t realize this — is chasing them. Good! He notices something for once! Let’s see what Haruka thinks: “Don’t look back! Just focus on running away!” Man, it’s so difficult to do two things at once. Who on earth can run and look at the same time! Then again, you’d think Aoi would’ve just called her friends by now…

— Haruka tears her dress trying to climb over a fence. Naoto trips and falls on her. Japan’s best train employees in action!

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— The two of them try to call Nana, but they can’t reach her. When a flower pot falls over, Naoto thinks they’ve been found. But how! Haruka suggests, “They must have triangulated your location via that cellphone!” Excellent deduction from the best and brightest train employees in Japan! So she tells him to get rid of the phone! Even better! The camera then pans up to reveal the true culprit!

— Dumb and Dumber finally find the time to catch their breath in some carpark. Dumb expresses her happiness that she can help the hero out. Yes, you’re really helping him out. All of a sudden, however, they are beset upon by an army of cats! Man, what the fuck is this? It’s one thing to have fanservice on and around trains, but this episode literally has nothing to do with trains. Literally nothing.

— When a cat leaps for Dumber’s head, Dumb bravely pushes him out of the way with her head. Watch out! Those cats are even more dangerous than a trigger-happy, jealous redhead! Naoto rewards himself with a little upskirt action.

— Dumb: “I’ve read in books that people can train dogs as assassins. Maybe that’s what these cats are!” What fucking book was that? Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure you can even read?

— Oh. My. God:

Rail Wars! - 0615

The truth is that there was just the scene of canned fish on Dumb and Dumber’s clothes, so that’s why they were being chased.

— Even without dangerous assassin cats chasing them, Dumb can’t help but tear her skirt more and more. It’s really difficult to walk, man.

— So Dumber sneaks the girl into a Transportation Museum: “Maybe they’ll forgive us when we explain it’s life-or-death.”

— But the assassin cats are back! Dumb decides to strip down even further to distract the cats. Good thinking!

“Uguu, Dumber, you have to take care of yourself. If something happens to you, I… I…”

— Dumber then sees a poster for a restaurant, then proceeds to reminisce about the time he and his parents once ate there. Uh…

— Elsewhere, Dumb and Dumber’s superiors get a phone call alerting them to the alarms being tripped at the Transportation Museum, so we know there’s someone there with them. Still, when the anime cuts back to Dumb and Dumber, the latter’s just going on and on about the place. They nicknamed a steam locomotive “The Lady!” Isn’t that just fascinating!

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— Dumb can’t help but grab on to a corner of Dumber’s shirt like so. I-it’s just so they don’t get separated! You gotta hold on tight, too! All these people at this closed museum might force them apart!

— All of a sudden, Dumb asks Dumber about a time exactly eight years, three months, and fifteen days ago. That’s… that’s oddly specific. But Dumb is very serious about this. This is her trying to purse her lips. Y’see, a single chance encounter eight fucking years ago is enough to make the girl fall deeply in love with the train-loving Dumber forever. That’s how love works, guys.

— Aaaaaand here are the bad guys. They’re completely unrelated to the “suspicious” letter, of course. In fact, it’s just a complete coincidence that Dumb and Dumber have run into them.

— Still, the bad guys are now chasing after Dumb and Dumber, but it’s okay! Aoi and company have now made it to the Transportation Museum themselves!

— One of the bad guys grabs onto Dumb’s shoulder, but when Dumber knocks the bad guy out of the way, somehow this causes Dumb’s shirt to get ripped off cleanly. CLEANLY.

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When we see her again, she’s completely lost her top and… her bra too? Or was she just not wearing a bra the entire time? Wait, c’mon, you’re not telling me a girl that endowed has been running around the entire episode without a bra on.

— Dumber can’t believe his partner is now completely topless. I can’t believe it either, Dumber. I can’t believe it either…

— Dumber then locks Dumb away in a closet; he intends to fight the bad guys all by himself! Luckily for him, his superiors are here to beat up the bad guys. And Aoi is here… to beat him up.

— Meanwhile in the closet, Dumb thinks back to that day from eight years and three months ago. Dumber had protected her loli self back then too! Luckily, she wasn’t naked at the time. Rail Wars! may not be about train, but at least it doesn’t have naked lolis. Still, never grow up kids. When you do, you just keep losing your fucking clothes.

— Welp, time to free the naked girl from her prison:

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Wait, what did he even do again? But it doesn’t matter, ’cause Aoi gets even madder. That’s basically the harem dynamic in a nutshell. Get with one girl, the other girl gets mad at you. Get with the other girl, the first girl stabs you in the gut, then chops off the other girl’s head.

— In an attempt to explain himself to his superiors, Dumber hands over the threatening letter… which turned out to be just a promotion for life insurance. Hey, can you blame him? Dumber can’t read! Is it a crime to not be able to read?!

— But despite being stripped down to just her panties, Dumb feels as though she had a fun day with Dumber! Yay, all’s well that ends well in Boob Wars!


13 Replies to “Rail Wars! Ep. 6: Dumb and Dumber”

  1. This series just went from stupid to gloriously stupid. Please call them Dumb and Dumber from now on. Also, “and Dumber” is apparently an suggested authorial option on Android cellphones after dumb.

  2. There’s so much nothing here that it’s hilarious. Really? Is this REALLY about trains? You know, the intricate and professional nature of the Japanese rail industry; perhaps the BEST rail-based transportation service in all of Asia maybe the world? I don’t get WHY the theme (I mean, gimmick) of trains was even chosen by the writer, who I’m now 99.5% certain knows about as much as trains as he does the physics of wormholes.
    Sure, there’s a certain appeal and romanticism about trains that exists in anime. One great example is Makoto Shinkai’s Act 1: Cherry Blossom in 5 Centimeters Per Second. Now that’s about trains; hell, it’s basically train-porn aesthetically and thematically. But no, this writer pulls bullshit out of his ass with the weakest harem garbage with almost non-existent connection to trains of all things. Act 1: Cherry Blossom is more focused and emotionally fulfilling than a dozen seasons of Rail Wars! can try and scrape up.
    That’s just part of the reason why I’m scratching my head over this. Trains aren’t exactly the most exciting thing to revolve a LN, manga or anime about. But it’s original and potentially interesting by that virtue itself if the core theme is actually about the Japanese rail system. If the writer commits to the train theme, they should be otaku-ing HARD about trains. Educate your viewers while also providing entertainment. It should be in the same vein as the sports genre. The primary focus is the sport and the characters should be modeled to support that focus.
    Explore the time-sensitive nature of a train conductor and the pressure it has on him or her knowing full well that thousands of salarymen (essentially Japan’s economy) depend on them to go back and forth to work. Think about travel and tourism via trains. Want some excitement? What about an episode about finding a suspicious package under a seat and how security deals with that (in a non-bullshit anime Gary Stu way)? What about belligerent passengers and how to settle down that situation? What about a Goddamn cameo with Densha Otoko? See? There are some things to do with trains.

    But this thing? How would this story play out if instead of trains, its gimmick was the trope-typical ecchi aliens and, angels and demons or a supernatural setting? Probably nothing; it’d probably play out the exact same way. It’s been pretty set-in-stone by now that there’s no logic, no real effort to exploit the railway-theme, and really all we’re seeing now is just more cookie-cutter harem fare that have burned themselves out YEARS ago.

  3. There seems to be a trend these days for romance scenarios to be modeled after a series of misunderstandings and bouts of miscommunication. Putting aside the abundant similarities between the respective figures, scenes and situations in these so-called ‘different works’, I wonder if this is more a reflection, of the authors’ attempt, on the unexpected nature of love, or if it’s a jig on its complications. Drama is drama, after all. Then there’s padding…

    And that redhead is a hundred-percent psycho, man. I wish the show would end with her going over the edge and taking train passengers as hostages. Then Dumber is forced to kick her off the train. While it’s still moving. I mean, seriously, what the fuck?

    Of note at least, is another emerging trend… The women never seem as sensible as the MC in these kind of shows. Par for the course, I suppose.

    1. But the chicks got a pretty face, big tits and ass, and crudely fitted with a niche fetish personality. That’s pretty much all they need right? Our MC will guide their hips and show them the light.

  4. there is no way this ep was not purposely bad. Someone on the creative team is purposefully making a stupid show, and kudos for them being able to pull it off in such hilariously bad fashion. I refuse to believe this wasnt intentional because my god was this ep unbelievably stupid. I laughed my ass off the entire time; this is true entertainment

    1. There’s “it’s so bad that it’s good”, but this show is a clear example of “it’s so bad that it’s so bad”.

    2. there is no way this ep was not purposely bad.

      I’m sure it is purposefully bad. But purposefully bad is still bad unless you make some sort of commentary with it, which doesn’t appear to be the case.

      I laughed my ass off the entire time; this is true entertainment

      Well, there’s the difference between us. Wasn’t bad enough for me to laugh at.

      1. so did you feel it was the kind of bad that pissed you off or that it literally just wasnt bad enough to make you laugh? I agree that this ep was bad regardless of being done purposefully because there was no real meaning behind it this ep being terrible…or is there? perhaps the commentary was in regards to other animes that create these nonsensical situations in which characters get into these sexually awkward moments or inappropriately fabricated moments as an excuse to create romantic development…………..perhaps im just thinking about this too much. Either way, this ep was laughable.

        1. so did you feel it was the kind of bad that pissed you off or that it literally just wasnt bad enough to make you laugh?

          I’m not pissed off. It’s just not done with care. Something purposefully bad should still be done with care and effort.

  5. It doesn’t help that these characters are visually boring cardboard box cut-outs.

    The MC always has mid-length black hair and the plainest looking face anyone can draw. Like sure, I get that it’s supposed get the MALE viewers to relate? Besides that being innately superficial, it fails every single time. Why? Because 99% of the male protags in the last ten years look exactly like each other. Dumber is just a nothing and nobody. How about this? Draw the MC however you like and then give them a PERSONALITY. You know, the thing that real human beings latch onto to actually relate to somebody?

    Don’t get started on the girls. They’re just fucking Power Rangers. Just different hair colors. Like really? Japanese girls with natural red and PINK hair? Do you really need the color code the girls? Is the writer admitting to themselves that they can’t tell their own characters from one another otherwise? Giving them weird and quirky hair doesn’t make them automatically interesting or anything of value at all.
    Oh, but boob sizes are very important though. How else will we get the viewers coming back for more? Oh, we gotta spice it up somehow. Oh, yeah, let’s go the risque and less travelled road. REDUCE THE BREAST SIZE DRASTICALLY. Quota met, let’s go to lunch.

    And holy shit. “You saved me again”. Really? BITCH, GO LEARN HOW TO DO SHIT.

    1. Maybe because I’m a girl I don’t understand the sex appeal behind these boobs, but seriously guys, this is attractive?

      Some do, some don’t.

  6. what makes this so funny is the author of the this writing piece (Rail Wars! series) to describe the episode as dumb and dumber, but the author is even more dumber than the whole series and we are only at episode 6.

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