Rail Wars! Ep. 11: Oh good, it’s the penultimate episode

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Y’know, as a kid, I always thought penultimate meant five times as ultimate. But I digress. We’re here to see how an anime about trains is really an anime about boobs… for the 11th time! Man, have we really watched ten episodes of this nonsense? Oddly enough, however, Rail Wars! gets the most views out of all my posts. Now, I can understand why something like Sword Art Online gets the most views, because the mighty Gary Stu really does bring the community together. No matter your race, your age, your creed, etc., we can all laugh at Kirito’s insistence that a haremette is already inside him. But Rail Wars!? The train anime gets the most views? Maybe you guys are just tsuntsun for the anime after all. As for me, well, c’mon, I just know where my bread is buttered. Alright, enough chitchat. Time to see how the story with the reverse trap resolves itself.

— I had already forgotten the reverse trap’s name, so I had to dig up my previous post just to find out what it was.

— So Bernina grabs onto Naoto and tells him not to get hurt just for her sake. Well, I don’t know what to tell you, but that’s kind of his job. Somehow, the reverse trap’s voice has taken on a particularly whiny inflection to it that makes her rather grating to listen to.

— Aoi tries to ruin this romantic moment, but just for that, she gets a swift kick to her side. Never interrupt the harem lead! But the mohawk guy is back, and I guess he wants to see more of Naoto’s ahegao. Why else would he be armed with nothing but a stun gun? See, if you were actually serious about assassinating the prince (should I start calling her princess now or what?), you’d actually bring a gun or at least a goddamn knife. I mean, the least you could is bring a knife. But like I’ve said, he’s only here to force our hero into a dangerous game of erotic electrostimulation, which is apparently a thing.

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— But not if Aoi has something to say about it! So at the start of the scene, she had been swiftly kicked away by the bad guy. And now we see this. All I can think is that the girl picked herself back up, ran as fast as she could into the room, then instead of tackling the mohawk guy out of the way — y’know, the sensible thing to do? — she opts instead to jump in between the stun gun and Naoto. Uguu, have my ahegao instead~

— Aoi musters all her the strength she had left, and goat-kicked the mohawk guy out of the room. She then collapses all over Naoto, showing her shiny tush to the world. Okay then.

— But it’s a time to share, and as a result, even the mohawk guy must show his o-face. But y’see, that right there is Sho doing all the hard work. What about the harem lead? Well… couldn’t be better, I suppose. I’m not sure why they couldn’t make Naoto at least somewhat capable. Instead, he can’t seem to do anything but drive a train, and he’s not even good at that. But despite Aoi and Sho getting the job done again, Mari tells Naoto that he sure does pull into some crazy stunts! Look at his shit-eating grin in this frame. That’s the face of someone who knows he didn’t do jack shit.

— Unfortunately, all is not well. Haruka has gone and gotten herself kidnapped! See, she didn’t want Naoto to feel bad, so she’s made herself useless as well. But really, I don’t know what the heroes expected. Who should we put in Bernina’s room as a decoy? The girl who can at least fight back? Naw, let’s use Haruka, whose only contribution to this anime is her giant breasts. And uh, she can read train manuals really fast. In any case, the bad guys won’t give Haruka back unless they get Bernina in return. Aoi replies that they don’t negotiate with terrorists. Yeah!

This unnecessary shot of Nana’s ass is supposed to be titillating, but I’m just following the two shiny dots on her ass as if they’re eyes bobbing from side to side.

— And in more ways than one!

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— I don’t even know what Aoi and Naoto are arguing about. Is Aoi mad that Naoto called up Nana for help? She then insists that Haruka can take care of herself. Uh… I think someone’s just jealous. Mari’s only contribution to this scene? Gosh, I’m sweaty! Let’s shower, Aoi!

— Uh, is this what girls do? Oh no, a friend of ours has just been taken hostage! Lemme strip naked in front of you, uguu. Even so, Aoi thanks Mari for cooling her off. With what? Her vagina? So Aoi, in her graciousness, tells Mari to stick close to her “prince,” ’cause he’s sure to protect her! Sounds like a death wish, if you ask me.

— So nothing kind of happens for the next few minutes. The funniest thing is that they’re on a moving train, so there’s really nowhere for the bad guy to hide with a suitcase big enough to fit a hot anime babe. Despite this, however, our heroes can’t locate either him or Haruka whatsoever. Meanwhile, Bernina has pretty much all but disappeared from the anime. Seriously, she just drops from the story like a rock.

— By calling Naoto a prince, however, this has given the harem lead a wonderful idea. They’ll definitely trade the prince for Haruka… except Naoto will be wearing Bernina’s clothes and pretending to be the prince. I like how he can just put on Bernina’s clothes and they’ll magically fit. I also like how the hostage takers want to kidnap the prince, but they don’t even know what “he” looks like, so they will somehow be fooled by Naoto’s shitty plan. Last but not least, I like how the prince is a goddamn foreigner, so some nipponjin wearing the prince’s clothes will be a dead fucking giveaway that something’s up, but no, no… this is going to work, you guys.

— Sho tries to say something to keep his friends’ spirits up. Aoi quickly decides to take a shit on his efforts. This is probably why he stays quiet all the time. I would too if I had to work with these assholes.

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— Naoto recalls a conversation he had with Bernina right before she left the train: “It’s our job to make sure you enjoy your journey. And if someone wants to get in the way of that, no matter the reason, we have to fight back.” Something about this just strikes me as silly. Yeah, they’re trying to kill you, but we will make sure you enjoy this fucking train ride! Also, that’s the best balled fist I’ve ever seen, harem lead. Keep it up!

— Look at this! I knew it! Bernina is like an entire fucking head shorter than the guy. How on earth would Naoto fit in her cloth–… it’s Rail Wars! Actually, the animation here has fucked up; it looks like Naoto has grown some really wide and broad shoulders out of nowhere.

— How is this exchange going to go down? Why, by having Haruka in the sexiest pose possible, of course!

— Ah, of course, the bad guy instantly realizes that the prince is really not the prince. Way to go, Naoto. Your plan definitely worked. I don’t know what the bad guy is looking at, though. It’s like he’s gotten an epiphany upon realizing that he’s been bamboozled. W-what am I doing with my life? What would my mom think if she knew I was a petty thug? In any case, this small distraction buys Aoi enough time to shoot the gun out of the bad guy’s hands. Why wouldn’t just shoot him in the fucking head?

— Thanks to Aoi not killing the bad guy for some reason, Naoto chases the thug with the shitty Steven Segal ponytail into the conductor’s car, where I’m sure they will now fight to the death for Haruka’s life.

— Haha, nah. Sho saves the day once again. I’m tellin’ ya, Naoto doesn’t do shit. But who gets all the love? This guy.

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— All’s well that ends well, right? Nope. There’s still one more bad guy. He just didn’t help out in the hostage exchange because… because reasons, yo. And somehow, the controls to the train got shot up… I don’t even remember when this happened.

— The good guys will use signal flares to flush the bad guy out of his hiding! Now, if only they could remember where the signal flares are… Haruka puts her hand on Naoto’s hand so they can mind-link or some shit, and instantly, she recalls something. See, I told you guys. All she can do is read manuals and defy physics.

— I love the eyes in this show. They’re fucking hilarious. Naoto calls for Aoi, but it looks like he’s got his laser-focused stare locked on her ass. As for Aoi, who the fuck knows what she’s even looking at. Probably having an epiphany of her own too: “Damn, I do have a sweet ass.” That screenshot instantly cuts to this one. Their faces. I lost it. What is Passione doing next? I definitely need to catch their next anime. They’ve made me a fan for life.

— So Aoi shoots some pipe-thingy, and it causes white smoke to fill up the area. Still, the bad guy continues to fire his gun. But it’s okay, because we all know white smoke absorbs bullets. This way, Aoi can just run up to the guy from the front and kick his ass.

— Final boss subdued? Can we finally go home now? Naw, we can’t. Our heroes are on yet another train that is going way too fast. C’mon, guys, just hang off the side of the train, and use your feet to slow it down. This worked before!

— With none of the controls working, Naoto makes the oh-so-hard decision to detach the engine cars from the passenger cars.

Sweet animation, bros.

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— Unfortunately, Aoi had hurt her leg in the previous fight, so she can’t jump from one train car to the other one. Naoto then makes his second oh-so-hard decision: he’ll stay behind with his haremette! D-don’t get me wrong though: “I was just too scared to jump.”

— Again, awesome animation.

— For some reason, Aoi decides that this would be the best time to take off her stockings. C’mon, you can’t make a sexy pose look sexy with that face.

— What’s going on here, you guys?!

— He’s just bandaging up her ankle, you sick fucks.

— Aoi blushes and says, “Don’t stare. I don’t have pretty legs.” Our harem lead replies with, “You think? You’re pretty enough to me, Sakurai.” Smooth. She’s pretty enough. That’s the key right there. We wouldn’t the girl’s ego to get out of control, bro. Gotta neg and put her back in her place.

— Aaaaand now the bandage on Aoi’s left ankle is gone. Yes, the bandage was definitely on her left ankle. Go check the previous screenshot if you don’t believe. Animation!

— It almost looked like the harem lead and his haremette were about to have a tender moment, but Captain Gonou just had to show up and save their lives. Ugh!

— Naoto then explains to us in a rather dry way how this rescue is going to go down, but we don’t even get to see it. Literally, the next thing we see is the guy carrying Aoi from a stopped train. The girl still promises that she’ll always protect him, though. Aw!

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— Well, that’s it, folks. Tune in next week for the exciting Rail Wars! finale! Will Japan’s coveted rail system resist privatizatio–… ah, who am I kidding? That has never and will never be the anime’s story.


9 Replies to “Rail Wars! Ep. 11: Oh good, it’s the penultimate episode”

  1. “But it’s okay, because we all know white smoke absorbs bullets.”

    For some reason I just lost it when I reached this sentence, I oersonally do want to see what else Passione animates, it’s like playing where’s Waldo with bad animation.

    1. Animation quality in the industry as a whole as gone down quite a bit. And writing itself has seen a steady decline for a couple of years now.

      But Rail Wars! has both in spades. So much so that we’ll be remembering this show alongside classics like Yumeria and Girls Bravo.

  2. “As for me, well, c’mon, I just know where my bread is buttered. Alright, enough chitchat. ”
    Well played, sir.

    But nah man, I love these articles. I’m of the opinion that 10% of all anime that have ever been released are watersheds and masterpieces which showcase the unique strengths of the medium, while 90% straddles the Mendoza line and 10% of that 90% are magnificent disasters.

    I love it when you focus the latter shows. It somehow makes me hopeful for anime and the community. I literally found you by googling “moe sucks.” I wanted to find some well-thought-out negative opinions on moeism (because the positive ones are everywhere in bad form.) Instead, I found this hilarious and often thoughtfully-written blog. It took me completely away from that debacle of a subject and got me watching anime for fun again.

  3. And this is why I hate harems. The douche-bag gets all the chicks while the guy with actual charisma and DOES work get a cold look. I don’t even like this show and I would watch it for the Sho guy

    1. It’s just pathetic 30-year old virgins with a little too much wish fulfillment (and zero writing know-how) bottled up inside.
      I can’t help but think the writer subconsciously creates the “harmless no-threat-to-harem bro” because they personally knew someone who ACTUALLY got the girls. You know, the IRL dude-bro who actually took the “writer’s” girl’s attention away. Like, semi-NTR.

      I’m betting that’s how the archetype started but then it pretty much became a staple to harem anime. The harmless eunuch guy friend is as valuable as the tsundere violent Amazon role, meaning it’s worthless.

      Whatever. Fuck harem show writers, I got no sympathy for any of them.

  4. I can’t remember any anime in the past ten years that I’ve watched that missed the mark of the show’s supposed theme. Actually, “missed” might be too generous of a word. It’s more like a game of darts, where the writer was drunk as fuck and had swirly vision. He gave a half second glance at the bull’s eye. Then pretty much started chucking darts with his eyes closed and one hand in his pants while doing a full retard-monkey dance. Of course, the darts either hit the wall a foot away from the dartboard or pretty much fell out of his hand. What an athlete.
    And this show is particularly egregious because it had an interesting premise. Even if it had harem elements, if the show actually followed through with the whole “alt-uni Japan railways” then it could’ve been at least more interesting than something like Bladedance.

    But man, for the second to the last episode, there sure was a lot of NOTHING. At least the stellar writing was consistent week to week. I am thoroughly looking forward to the finale to promptly place the show where it belongs: in an oblivion where no one remembers or cares about it.

    1. Someone said a while back that the studio had a falling out with the author. Maybe he wanted them to adapt the more serious parts to his light novels, if they even exist. But let’s be honest. Even if Passione had gone with the whole privatization of the railways storyline, I doubt they would have had the chops to pull it off. So they opted for a harem-ish adaptation, which will likely sell a few quick blu rays if nothing else.

  5. “Haha, nah. Sho saves the day once again. I’m tellin’ ya, Naoto doesn’t do shit. But who gets all the love? This guy.”
    That’s why I hate Naoto, he got my vote in that poll as worst male character, he sucks at everything, even at driving trains like you mentioned, Naoto is the total opposite of a Gary Stu like Kirito and still get all the hot chicks, I detest Kirito, but at least him getting all the love makes sense cuz he’s an “absolute dream”.

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